Cancer attention seeking?

[Mais444]

Hear me out.
My mum had bowel cancer in 2019. She had an operation and is now absolutely fine. It was all over within a few months and we were all there for her and supported her.

Ever since then, it's like having cancer has become her entire personality. She tells pretty much everyone that she's got cancer when she literally doesn't have cancer anymore. She has had countless tests giving the all clear. She's also always laughing and saying things like 'well the dog will outlive me'
'I'll be dead by then anyway' which is just really morbid and awful to hear. I've tried to talk to her about it and she just gets annoyed saying I'm insensitive.
Her Instagram bio is 'cancer queen, living live whilst I still can,' which I find odd as she's not had cancer for a long time.

Am I being nasty?? It really, really grates on me that she does this. Please be honest.

I'm not the type of person to be open with my private life on social media or to people I don't know, so to me this behaviour seems really weird.

I hope your FIL has found his feet again. Merry Christmas.

@bowbelles9 I'm so sorry for your losses. I hope you are doing ok xx

I have a life limiting illness. In the past, I have been critically unwell - in a coma, ventilated, brain injury, family being called to the hospital as I was not expected to survive. I am extremely lucky to be alive. There is not a day goes by when I don’t do my best to live my life to the fullest. I work hard and I play hard. I celebrate even small milestones and achievements. That doesn’t mean I haven’t been through periods of really struggling with the emotional impact of what happened. You say “seek help” and I agree but I found it hard to find help. I was in the privileged position of being able to pay for it. PTSD and anxiety that arises from illness can be really hard to overcome especially if you are retraumatised every time you step foot in a hospital or find yourself in the back of my ambulance. I didn’t choose the physical illness but neither did I choose the subsequent mental illness. I had to work hard to physically recover and mentally recover.

This is an excellent answer and specific cancers are some that quite often never leave, bowel cancer being one.

What utter nonsense.

True, but it still does not mean you will die young. As I said on this thread already, my neighbour got bowel cancer at 60, and then no signs of cancer until 88, she died at 89. This was beyond average life expectancy for women her age.

I had a brain tumour. Diagnosed in 2011 removed completely 2013. It was such a traumatising time. It made me think I wasn't going to live past 30 even though I'd had it completely removed at 22. When I got to 30 I was amazed. It was a massive part of my life. The most terrifying thing I've ever been through. When other new important life milestones happened its made it a lot easier as I had new things to be the focus of my life I.e bought house, had baby. Also being discharged as an outpatient ten years later helped. It's a memory now. But it took a long time to get over it.

Anecdote isn't data (as the say). Great for your neighbour - but the stats are that the the recurrence rates are between 30% - 40%, for this type of cancer. And it doesn't necessarily tend to wait 28 years to recur

Nearly all recurrences happen within 2 to 3 years with 95% happening within 4 years. So after 5 years, the chances of it recurring are small.

This isn't the data given in peer reviewed studies!!

What stage was it? Maybe she thinks it will come back.

Stage 1
Around 90 out of 100 people (around 90%) with stage 1 bowel cancer will survive their cancer for 5 years or more after they're diagnosed.
Stage 2
Around 85 out of 100 people (around 85%) with stage 2 bowel cancer will survive their cancer for 5 years or more after they're diagnosed.
Stage 3
65 out of 100 people (65%) with stage 3 bowel cancer will survive their cancer for 5 years or more after they're diagnosed.
Stage 4
Around 10 out of 100 people (around 10%) with stage 4 bowel cancer will survive their cancer for 5 years or more after they're diagnosed.

Most of these recurrences occur during the first 2 or 3 years after treatment. About 95% of recurrencesTrusted Source happen within 4 years of surgery.

https://wjso.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12957-021-02207-4

You're very young. When I was very young I'd probably have been the same as you. I'm 55 now, at 23 I'd have wondered why she couldn't just put it behind her & got on with life.

probably still in my 40's and I would never have thought I'd change so much, but 'life happens' and we change. Menopause causes a lot of changes in most women (but not all). I'm much more snxious than I ever was, I'm much less enthusiastic & much seems pointless these days, small issues become large.

I have an underlying heath issue and covid hit me really hard. I'm still scared of getting it because I would end up in hospital.

I had an accident and ended up having some reconstruction surgery. That all went pretty much ok, but living alone you really realise how vulnerable you are. For weeks I couldn't even put knickers on, couldn't shower, couldn't cut up food, hang washing out, one person for 15 minutes a day was all the official help I got.

i was lucky I had one neighbour who would have done anything she could have for me, but I didn't like to ask. But it was good knowing she was there. It was all very complicated for quite sometime.

it makes you feel incredibly vulnerable.

your mums situation isn't mine, but I know if I'd had cancer, I would still be feeling scared & vulnerable.

At 23 I don't expect you to understand, but I hope you can take on board what everyone is saying & maybe understand her POV a little bit more & fin it a little less frustrating.

But I do understand. My mum grew up in a very situation after her mum died when she was 7 & she's always been very unsure of her self and worried about every little thing. It drives me batshit when I was younger. it still does but I can understand a bit better now.

I know for me that' there's not really anything you could do to help. Just try not to get too frustrated & not dismiss my feelings because they're mine, not yours.

purely anecdotal.

This study is also only based on resectioned patients.

You are never cancer free just NED (No evidence of disease).

Like your mum I only needed surgery (not bowel) for cancer but was in my early 30's. The only one in my friendship groups who ever have had cancer. It's very easy to black humour the situation to make it easier for those around you. My cancer was external so it's very obvious that I've had it. Sometimes when people talk about inviting you to plans a year or so down the line it's easy to say "hopefully it won't have come back" or "hopefully I'll still be in remission". That can make people feel awkward and it's not often done out of spite. Of course some people do still over time play the patient despite years of NED. When you have a cancer diagnosis you are passed between many medical people, you are looked after if you may. Suddenly when told NED you are dropped. Sometimes people get follow ups, many like myself haven't seen anyone associated with my care since December 2021.

When you are told you are NED. The feelings of secondaries or the primary returning are still real. Even if you are ten or twenty years down the line it will always be on your mind. You don't mind of skip into the sunset declaring you are free and will live into your 90's. It's an every day thought for a lot of us that it'll return you can't just switch that mental process off.

Bowel cancer operations can be permanently life altering, cause pain and challenges etc. As can removal of lymph nodes and other aspects of treatment. It can make one feel like you are still living with the disease, or rather the aftermath of it, even after cure. It might be annoying but it isn’t necessarily attention seeking.

Some people get major main character syndrome about being sick. People call them brave and talk about how inspiring they are just living their life. It can absolutely become their personality and it’s really infuriating. Especially when that person is not, is no longer, or (in some cases) was never sick at all.

Cancer is a difficult one as PP have pointed out. She might be living with the real fear of it coming back and compensating. I think regardless some real therapy wouldn’t be a terrible thing.

God yeah - those cancer patients are so infuriating, aren't they. Especially when they go on to have a recurrence and die

Some of these responses are absolutely wild.

In particular, what's the deal with those who have had relatives with cancer (but not themselves) feeling they are the authority on how one should or shouldn't respond to such a deeply affecting illness. Especially when, as a PP points out, for many types, the main worry isn't another primary, it's a metastasis.

Bereavement from cancer is awful and requires it's own healing and potentially therapy but doesn't place someone to dismiss the worries of a patient. That's in really bad taste.

@Avastmehearties

I think yours is a great post

This☝
It sums up just how I feel about some of the posts too.