Cancer attention seeking?

[Mais444]

Hear me out.
My mum had bowel cancer in 2019. She had an operation and is now absolutely fine. It was all over within a few months and we were all there for her and supported her.

Ever since then, it's like having cancer has become her entire personality. She tells pretty much everyone that she's got cancer when she literally doesn't have cancer anymore. She has had countless tests giving the all clear. She's also always laughing and saying things like 'well the dog will outlive me'
'I'll be dead by then anyway' which is just really morbid and awful to hear. I've tried to talk to her about it and she just gets annoyed saying I'm insensitive.
Her Instagram bio is 'cancer queen, living live whilst I still can,' which I find odd as she's not had cancer for a long time.

Am I being nasty?? It really, really grates on me that she does this. Please be honest.

I'm not the type of person to be open with my private life on social media or to people I don't know, so to me this behaviour seems really weird.

To be honest, I've never had cancer but the thought of it is terrifying and I've known enough people to be told 'all clear' only to get a few years down the line and it's back. So I see that once you've had cancer that fear and the thought that one or two rogue cells might've been left behind will never leave you. Can't you just say something sympathetic like "We're all so glad you made it through the cancer Mum" and move on. Or if she said the dog will out live her just say "I do hope not Mum". It sounds like anxiety to me and she needs some reassurance.

The thing is that you’re never cured of cancer, just “in remission”. There is always a chance of it coming back, and that increased risk lasts a lifetime. So she is still anxious about that, and dealing with that anxiety through dark humour. She probably could do with some counselling to talk it through and see if she can put it behind her. But to be honest you also need to come to terms with it. It is her lived reality, it’s not ok for you to demand she never mentions it because it makes you feel awkward. So I’d recommend you get some counselling too to help understand where she is coming from.

Actually whilst her behaviour is extreme I do understand the underlying issues. I had breast cancer 10 years ago and have what I describe as 'post cancer hypochondria'. I am convinced that the cancer is within me somewhere and will reappear when I least expect it. Once you have cancer it makes you realise at a fundamental level that you're not invincible and in reality I do believe it's what will probably get me in the end.

However I have never voiced any of the above to anyone. I do google symptoms and convince myself I have stomach or colon cancer but then talk myself round and no one knows what I've been thinking. In reality in many ways it's had a positive effect because I never put off what I can do today and make sure I have plenty of adventures etc because you just don't know what's round the corner.

What a horrible post.

The more time that passes by without your mother suffering a recurrence, the less likely it is that the cancer will return.

However, no one who has had cancer can be 100% sure it won't return. 2019 is not that long ago. A friend of mine recently died of breast cancer, 15 years after she was given the all-clear.

Cut your mother some slack, she has suffered a nasty experience with this diagnosis, surgery and treatment. She is obviously still scared (with some justification) and needs some sympathy and understanding.

I think you know your mum best, so you know if it's likely to be attention-seeking or if there's something deeper going on like health anxiety.

My mam had leukaemia back in 2018. She got treatment and has reached her 5 year survival last year. She does still bring it up regularly, and often to people she's just chatting to out and about. She can have some attention-seeking behaviours, as well in other ways, too. So, I do attribute some of it to her attention-seeking.

However, whenever I find myself getting irritated, I take a step back and remind myself what it was like back then. What an absolute punch to the gut it was for all of us, especially my mam. How terrified she was and that her first question to the doctor was "Am I going to die?"

That kind of stuff stays with you. Those fears linger, even as the years pass. I remember when she was going through treatment, my mam crying and saying to me that she just wished she could get a new body. She was sick of being sick and living in fear.

I think I've realised that even though it's "over" and she's doing exceptionally well, the issues that having cancer caused still linger and her little comments are her way of letting out those issues. It can sometimes be frustrating because I sometimes just want to forget all about that horrible time in all our lives but then I try and remind myself that whilst it was hard for me and the wider family-it was a nightmare for my mam and a nightmare she couldn't escape from.

It could be that your mam just needs to talk out these issues and feel safe exploring her fears. It's possible that she may feel that it's taboo to discuss these kinds of things with her family-but the anxieties still linger and this is how she shows it. I'm always living with the temptation to try and sweep it all under the carpet-but it's not my burden to do that with.

I try (and often fail) to remind myself that just because something is technically "cured" it doesn't mean that the psychological damage has been cured or dealt with. Maybe speak with her, one on one, and try and let her have free rein to say what she feels. Don't try and remind her that she's cured. If it is anxiety, logic often won't puncture that. She needs to feel heard and listened to. Maybe she does need some counselling.

Lots of people live like that everyday with chronic life limiting illnesses. It is not that unusual an experience. And they suffer lots of symptoms while someone with cancer in remission may not (I know there can be life long side effects).
I can tell you if you go around talking about any other life limiting condition that could kill you in the next 10 years, no one is interested and everyone will avoid you. Only cancer is treated differently.

Thank you all, your posts are all very helpful. It's been good to hear from those who have an experience with cancer themselves and I now see more where my mum is coming from. ❤️

I’m sorry if this is your experience 💐. But the answer to that is that everyone should be more open about and sympathetic to all kinds of illness and disability, not that cancer survivors should be silenced. I had cancer in 2020 and it still impacts me daily. I also have a lifelong pre-existing chronic condition that also has ongoing symptoms. I am open about and talk about both regularly, although by no means daily as most of the time I prefer to talk about happier things. Some people are surprised I’m so open at first, but they get used to it. I’ve never lost a friend because of it and i’ve had many of my staff say it’s really helpful to have someone senior talk openly about health struggles.

My mum was diagnosed with bowel cancer in 2017, had an operation and was ‘cured.’ Less than 2 years later it was back and had spread. She died on Christmas Eve 2020.
Your mum’s fear is real, please support her.

@AirborneElephant I'm open about health issues and it gets me nowhere

I'm severely neutropenic, please don't bring Covid/cold near me "oh you're being ridiculous, it's fine you look fine blah blah"
I explain what it means and how it affects me

If I said "I have cancer, don't come near me with Covid" then people would likely understand

Blood cancer U.K. have actually been really helpful even though it's outside their usual remit but trying to explain it's lifelong it's so hard so no I won't be ok next year or the one after. The side effects of GSCF are killing me but again, no empathy from anyone

Having cancer is one of the most terrifying things in life. Survivors are often deeply traumatised and unable to live the way they once did for fear it will return. Your mum is coping with this her way. Her remarks about still having it and early death are basically saying it won't 'get her' by surprise a second time. She knows and she's ready. Similarly her cancer queen persona is likely to frame herself as a winner in the battle, and to an extent is learned behaviour as this is the role cancer patients are given, brave, heroic etc, so shes playing the part the way shes seen it done. Try not to let it upset you or to dismiss her as attention seeking, as she has been through a terrible time.

I agree with this. A friend of mine had treatment for cancer which was totally successful but which rendered her infertile and brought on a premature menopause, and she felt like she'd been totally abandoned once the all clear was given.

Her mental health took a complete nosedive and she's still not out of the woods.

@fivebyfivebuffy My experience too. I have had IV chemo drugs as well. While cancer patients were given it on reclinable chairs in a pleasant room, I had it in a tiny clinic room sitting on a hard chair as staff walked in and out getting supplies.
The only person who has taken it seriously is my partner and a manager whose mother died of the same illness when she was a child.
I do understand getting cancer for someone who has been healthy must be traumatic. But I have had elderly relatives get cancer who already have a lot of health problems, and frankly cancer was the least of their worries.

Your mum had cancer. Yes she's had it removed. But she's still within the period of it coming back. She won't get the all clear until after 7 years

This simply isn't true. Cancer can come back at any time and there is no such thing as "all clear" at 7 years.

"No Evidence of Disease" is not the same as "cured". It means there's no evidence of cancer at this time. It does not mean that the cancer will not return. The same is true of the phrase " cancer-free". You can be "cancer-free" until...you're not.

People develop coping mechanisms to deal with the fear surrounding recurrence - dark humour, denial, faith, activism, support groups - it differs from person to person.

A dear friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer once told me that "people have no idea what cancer has stolen from me". She was right.

My colleague is like this - had cancer several years ago (pre covid) and it's genuinely all she can talk about, despite being cancer free for many, many years. Cancer is her whole personality. Any topic being discussed, she'll crowbar it towards cancer. No matter how unrelated it is. We completely understood and were sympathetic for MANY years but where on earth do you draw the line to where it gets ridiculous?

Odd question but do you think she's consuming (or consumed) a huge amount of content from cancer influencers? You can go down the list of people she follows on Instagram to see what sort of accounts are in there.

Making cancer your personality is commonplace in the health instagram community so she might not even realise how odd it is. People always put their diagnosis and cancer status in their social media bio. The vast majority of cancer bloggers/influencers will write about their illness in every single post, including years after entering remission or being NED. If you consume enough of those blogs/accounts then that sort of thinking and behaviour becomes hugely normalised.

If she has tendencies towards covert narcissism or neurodivergence then it would also explain some of the behaviour. ND people can hyperfixate on their own health. It's not typically hypochondria (= fear of contamination or more sickness) but more of an intense obsession with their own health status. It becomes all they think or talk about and of course it might seem a bit intense for those who know them. If you have been close to someone with ASD, you how they will always try to bring up their special interest or simply talk about it regardless of what context the conversation is. What your mum is doing sounds very similar.

Have you ever had a major health complaint ? I guess not. Earlier this year a friend went into cardiac arrest at home, 3 times they shocked her before they could get her to the hospital. Thankfully she lived. A few weeks later i had a heart attack followed by another one months later. A mutual friend of us both was having a little dig to me about the friend that had CA, saying it was ridiculous that she wouldn't stay at home on her own anymore because she was scared of going into CA on her livingroom floor again. I explained that it is bloody frightening but she scoffed. Fast forward a few months and the complainer had chest pains when out walking, she managed to get home and phone an ambulance. Guess who doesn't want to be out walking on her own now ? Lesson learned. Until you have something really major happen to you something that threatens to take your life, then don't judge others. I hope you are never given the news your wife was given.

@ChristmasKelpie it is common after a heart attack to be frightened of things. It is why there are cardiac rehabilitation courses to help you live healthy, but also to give you reassurance that you can live your life again.

Cancer is a frightening experience .I have finished 6 sessions of Chemo at the end of August .Then had a scan on my liver which had shown a mild abnormality.Thankfully all fine .Go easy on Mum ,she has only just reached the point of being in the clear .I have a scan coming up ,and an appointment with the Consultant .feel nervous.There is an excellent group for Cancer patients at our hospital ,for anyone who has received treatment at any time in the past.Very friendly and welcoming, talk about lots of things as well .She may like something like this .Also MacMillan charity has a telephone counselling service Both of these are free .Just a jar to put money in .

OP please don't start armchair diagnosing your mother with personality disorder and/or neuro diversities.

With respect, your evident level of understanding of cancer (not inappropriate for one with no clinical background) would make you ill equipped to do so. Please don't go down this route at all. It may be that she's consuming such content but she would still require support processing what is still a source of uncertainty to her.

People who have had cancer or similar can hyperfixate on their own health. It's quite understandable when you give it a second's thought.

I feel for your Mum here so much. I had cancer 6 years ago. It changed my life at the moment of diagnosis and I will never be the same again and I know I'm not alone in this. Even though I am now well and cancer free - it is the most terrifying thing.
It must be her way of dealing with the trauma of what happened to her. I agree with pps to suggest counselling. I needed it myself a few years ago and it helped. But, I would never criticise anyone about how they deal with their life after a cancer diagnosis. No-one knows what it is truly like until they have had a diagnosis themselves. Be kind to your Mum and a gentle reminder that she is well when she brings it up will be the best thing I think.

I am took about 10 weeks to go out on my own. 14 weeks after my first heart attack i travelled abroad on my own, i had to do it or forever be too frightened. Cardiac Rehab was great.

@ChristmasKelpie glad to hear it worked well for you. My FIL was frightened after his heart attack and did not want to go anywhere alone or push himself with physical activity. It helped him regain his confidence as well.