Cancer attention seeking?

[Mais444]

Hear me out.
My mum had bowel cancer in 2019. She had an operation and is now absolutely fine. It was all over within a few months and we were all there for her and supported her.

Ever since then, it's like having cancer has become her entire personality. She tells pretty much everyone that she's got cancer when she literally doesn't have cancer anymore. She has had countless tests giving the all clear. She's also always laughing and saying things like 'well the dog will outlive me'
'I'll be dead by then anyway' which is just really morbid and awful to hear. I've tried to talk to her about it and she just gets annoyed saying I'm insensitive.
Her Instagram bio is 'cancer queen, living live whilst I still can,' which I find odd as she's not had cancer for a long time.

Am I being nasty?? It really, really grates on me that she does this. Please be honest.

I'm not the type of person to be open with my private life on social media or to people I don't know, so to me this behaviour seems really weird.

She sounds human.

She's been honest and is asking here for help around her feelings. An "utterly heartless" person wouldn't do that.

Your mum needs to realise how lucky she is and appreciate her life. My dad caught bowel cancer early last year. Despite the GP refusing to refer him fora while he still caught it stage 2. But he waited 5 months for his op. And in that time it became stage 3. So he needed chemo he shouldn't have needed. That chemo nearly killed him. He beat the cancer anyway. He waited 10 months for his colonoscopy bag to be reversed. He caught an infection from the op and died. A few months before he died mum was diagnosed with Stage 4 out of nowhere and died. I lost them both in months. Your mum needs to live the life safe has been blessed with

Op, you are lacking any understanding of just how frightening a cancer diagnosis can be.

When you are told you've cancer, your very first thought is that you are dying, that you are going to leave your children and family. That all your plans for the future will not now happen. It haunts your every waking moment. The fear is overwhelming. Fear of dying a slow and painful death that no-one can prevent.

Then you go through years of unpleasant treatment, and have legions of tests. Then if you are very lucky, you are told you are NED. This means no evidence of disease. It does not necessarily mean you are cured because no doctor can be sure of that. There is no absolute test. No-one ever tells you that you are cured.

After that, for months, every twinge, every ache and your first thought is that IT is back, that it has spread, that this time there will be no reprieve. The fear lingers. It's like waiting for the sword of Damocles to fall, all day, every day. If you get through the days ok, the fear surfaces at night. It's exhausting.

Psychologists reckon it takes up to ten years to get over the shock and fear resulting from a diagnosis. Some people never get over it.

I'm 3 years and 4 months in. I don't think about it much. I seldom talk about it and only with my closest sibling, but I am a positive, optimistic person, single, independent and self sufficient. I also have a full on career and a teen to keep me very busy. Don't imagine I've forgotten about it though. Others will take longer to regain their balance.

If you can't be kinder and more patient with your mum, then perhaps see her less. She almost certainly cannot help her behaviour. She is expressing her worries, telling you she is afraid. She needs your support, not your impatience and irritation.

@bowbelles9 I'm sorry for your losses, but telling someone who is struggling to recover their confidence after suffering cancer, that she should realise how lucky she is, is spectacularly unhelpful and totally lacking in empathy.

I hope you are never on the receiving end of an attitude like yours.

You’ve no idea how you would react if it were you. If I’d had something as serious as bowel cancer I think I’d be thinking my days were numbered too, card marked etc. It’s her way of dealing with it, the cancer could come back at any time. Sounds like she’s using dark humour to get her through.

We all react differently, I don’t think she’s doing it to hurt you.

This is a good analogy of what it's like to be diagnosed with cancer.

https://x.com/RheaCrighton1/status/1117364358126952448

No she isn't.

What op has described is a completely normal reaction and well within the timescales for recovery from a cancer diagnosis.

Op, try searching Macmillan Psychological and Emotional Support.

They explain it much better than I can.

Also note that your mum's distress can have an impact on you, so don't underestimate that either.

What kind of victim blaming is this?

Do you think people who die from cancer weren't positive enough?

I hate this kind of rhetoric around diseases.

My dad had bowel cancer.

It came back three times - so that's three lots of chemo and ops - before it killed him.

He had a check up every year after the first time, and the reason they do the checkups is because it often comes back.

Ive incurable cancer. Sometimes its active, but on the whole the 93 treatments Ive had in 5 years holds it back to an extent where I live a reasonably normal life. It will kill me though. I am aware that cancer is an umbrella term for many many different subtypes, types of cancer and everyone is different.
There is also some strange stigma attached to the disease around 'fighting' and 'battling' and people like me who have metastatic cancer are called 'warriors'. There is also a large cancer community on SM about cancer and if you let it, the slcial media will suck you into its narrative.
I chose not to identify as a cancer patient as I find myself tiresome and to be honest, I havent found tbe chemo that bad. Irksome yes but not terrible. However many people find it gruesome so I am lucky.
No one but my close friends, family and manager know about the cancer and I dont involve anyone in my treatment or appts.
However is is v traumatising and your mum is probably on alert all the time in case it comes back. Your lives may have moved on but she is stuck in a world where she feels the rug may be pulled given her own cells let her down so badly.
I have found the best remedy is distraction. Going to work, xmas shopping, sorting out my mum etc all take my mind off cancer. I also like dark humour and to laugh about it makes it less of a burden.
Your mum needs distraction, talking therapy, support, diluting the social media narrative in what she perceives is an uncertain time
Cancer queen made me chuckle. Its one up from 'pink sista'

Somebody was like this where I used to work, she hadn’t had cancer in years, yet it was all she would talk about. Even her young children knew all about it and her 4 year old daughter told me ‘Mummy’s going for tests today to find out if she can have more children’. Was so weird, I feel for you OP the conversation must be debilitating.

I think you might be in denial yourself about how seriously ill your mum was. She was very ill,at a relatively young age. She must have been terrified.
And for her it wasn't all done and dusted in 5 months. For her,she still relives it. A pp says she needs help as she is mentally unwell. That's unfair. She may need counselling to help process it all. But she isn't seriously mentally unwell.
And the provocative remarks like saying the dog will outlive her ,show her fear. She has good reason to be scared. The cancer may come back,and she knows it.
Be kind, try to understand how she feels.dont dismiss her fears as they are not unfounded. Everyone who has or has had cancer deals with it their own way. And you should take your lead from her. She is not superwoman.she is a mortal like the rest of us. Allow her her feelings.

they may well be living scan to scan and worrying just as much as your mum in their own way.

absolutely this! My DH would get really stressed leading up to his annual scan, and would even get phantom psychosomatic pains, which completely disappeared as soon as the scan results were sent with the all-clear. I just let him talk about his fear to get it all out, and it definitely seemed to help him cope. I didn't care how many times he mentioned it, he was at the centre of the problem.

OP maybe if you acknowledge your Mum's concerns more, it will have a positive effect, because she just needs the reassurance. It might reduce her need to seek attention, in a good way. It is a natural part of coping with that awful disease.

Given that the the recurrence rates is between 30% - 40%, I’d say you’re being pretty pig shit ignorant

I worked with people with cancer and while it is a known reaction, in my experience it is not a normal one. Of course, it does happen, but I would argue that someone living in the shadow of dying every day is not happy and would benefit from some mental help, whether or not it is "normal" for people in their condition.

@bowbelles9 I'm sorry for your loss but OP please ignore this advice. Your mother isn't lucky to have had bowel cancer just because someone else had it at a more advanced stage. She may however need support and an honest conversation about where to find that. Try Macmillan. The nurses are great.

I'll be honest, I'm a very private person and the only one who hears regularly about my condition are my partner and those who ask who get very neutral updates. My family behave as though it's old news and they're sick of hearing about it too, less than a year since surgery and I haven't even had a clear scan. Try and be constructive. There is a lot of misunderstanding. The possibility of recurrence hasn't gone away (although I hope it never comes back for her) so she isn't worrying about nothing. Some people's way of coping is to outwardly manage those fears. Hers is a biggie. Some of my friends post and complain about every small thing. Just because you don't want cancer to be a thing for your mother anymore doesn't make that the case.

And I think the constant jokes and comments about the dog outliving her are are upsetting for you. I get that. I think those should be discussed. But in the context of finding out what support she needs to find an outlet that's helpful. The dark humour may be part of it but if you'd like her to tone it down with you, at the same time as finding a way to process her experiences, I think that's fair.

I read your post and was confused with how I thought about it. Your mum had cancer. Yes she's had it removed. But she's still within the period of it coming back. She won't get the all clear until after 7 years. The chances of the cancer either coming back in the same area or migrate to another area is quite high. I'm not saying you have to indulge her. But for most people even the word "Cancer" can instill fear. We are better at curing it now. But that doesn't mean that it hasn't frightened her. Having empathy doesn't come easy to some people. And perhaps you don't have a good relationship with your mother.
Maybe take a step back and see what's going on for you. As your reaction isn't the result of a loving caring relationship with your mum.

This x 1000. There is no such thing as "all clear" but it’s a phrase people band about. Medics don’t use it. Scans and blood tests can show NED, no evidence of disease.

My ex was like your mum - had cancer and now it became his whole personality. I could see the boredom in people's eyes when he started going on about it - long after his op and treatment had finished. They wanted to sympathise of course, but not to have the whole spiel every time they saw him.

I ended up being mortified but guilty for feeling that way as obvs I only was his carer, I didnt have cancer so it is taboo to say "shut the hell up mate, you've turned into a cancer bore"

16 years down the line and (I presume) he still bangs on about it if what the kids say about his FB/instagram/tiktok accounts are to be believed. Thank goodness for divorce.

I was diagnosed with cancer in 2023. I have NOT been told I am cancer-free and I doubt that your mum has either. My last scan showed 'no evidence of disease' - it is not the same thing as cancer free, and doesn't feel like it either. I'm still taking medication to reduce the risk of it coming back, but there is still quite a high risk of that and my oncologist suggested I might like to take early retirement.so - for me - I am still under the care of an oncologist, I am still taking cancer meds, I still have loads of side-effects, I still have 6-monthly CT scans, I still feel like a cancer patient. I am retiring 2 years early, next July. I do have a reduced life-expectancy, as she probably does. She probably also has long term effects from her treatment which aren't great. Yes, SOME people just bounce back and can have a normal life after cancer treatment but for others they may have physical or mental health issues for the rest of their lives.

I understand that it may be annoying to hear her going on about it, but it means that it is still very much on her mind. How about a bit of understanding rather than showing your annoyance?

I’m sorry for your losses. I cannot imagine. 💐
It is possible to appreciate your life and be traumatised by your medical experiences. I have been fortunate enough to not have cancer but I had a life threatening illness and it was very traumatic. Well-meaning people telling me I was lucky to be alive actually prolonged my mental illness (I had diagnosed PTSD) because I was already beyond grateful and appreciative and I did try to live every single moment. However, at the same time, I was still processing something horrific. They hadn’t been through what I’d been through so they didn’t know. I continue to be grateful to the medical professionals, modern medicine and the luck of the draw but it was an immensely painful time too.

Despite, outward impressions, your DM may not be feeling 100% well and carries the physical and mental scars of her experience as well as the fear of the cancer returning, and needs that to be acknowledged by those around her. If her close family are not being sensitive to that then maybe she has decided it is time to be blunt with you all.

This maybe unfair as you were still very young when she was diagnosed and she may have shielded you from some aspects of how the cancer was affecting her, especially mentally, at the time, but she needs you now as an adult to know.

Talk to your dad. He will have a better idea of whether suggestions of counselling are appropriate - for you as well as her.

This absolutely this.