Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cancer attention seeking?

172 replies

Mais444 · 22/12/2024 21:52

Hear me out.
My mum had bowel cancer in 2019. She had an operation and is now absolutely fine. It was all over within a few months and we were all there for her and supported her.

Ever since then, it's like having cancer has become her entire personality. She tells pretty much everyone that she's got cancer when she literally doesn't have cancer anymore. She has had countless tests giving the all clear. She's also always laughing and saying things like 'well the dog will outlive me'
'I'll be dead by then anyway' which is just really morbid and awful to hear. I've tried to talk to her about it and she just gets annoyed saying I'm insensitive.
Her Instagram bio is 'cancer queen, living live whilst I still can,' which I find odd as she's not had cancer for a long time.

Am I being nasty?? It really, really grates on me that she does this. Please be honest.

I'm not the type of person to be open with my private life on social media or to people I don't know, so to me this behaviour seems really weird.

OP posts:
VeryStressedMum · 23/12/2024 17:27

TheEllisGreyMethod · 22/12/2024 21:59

I think life after cancer is hard, you go from this intense environment with lots of support to being told you're ok and crack on, but the psychological scars are still there. She's recovering from a trauma, I would try to broach some counseling with her to come to terms with life after cancer. I work with oncology patients and this scenario is unfortunately quite common and due to the lack of support post being all clear

Totally agree with this. My daughter had cancer and although she's been in remission for 7 years I think I'm still half traumatised by the whole thing.

tothelefttotheleft · 23/12/2024 19:14

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 23/12/2024 00:09

If she carries on like this fate will lend a helping hand she won’t be alive much longer.

This one of the most disgusting things I've ever read on here.

It's utter bollocks.

tothelefttotheleft · 23/12/2024 19:18

@bowbelles9

No she doesn't. It's not for you who haven't had cancer to tell someone how they should deal with it.

bowbelles9 · 23/12/2024 20:49

Meadowfinch · 23/12/2024 02:36

@bowbelles9 I'm sorry for your losses, but telling someone who is struggling to recover their confidence after suffering cancer, that she should realise how lucky she is, is spectacularly unhelpful and totally lacking in empathy.

I hope you are never on the receiving end of an attitude like yours.

I'm sorry for you loss but I'm going to show no empathy while calling you names. Thanks. You have no idea what I'm going through either.

bowbelles9 · 23/12/2024 20:50

tothelefttotheleft · 23/12/2024 19:18

@bowbelles9

No she doesn't. It's not for you who haven't had cancer to tell someone how they should deal with it.

No it isn't I'm just really really struggling right now. I don't know hot deal with losing both parents to cancer in a matter of months especially so suddenly. I just wish they were still here

bowbelles9 · 23/12/2024 20:56

Actually suicidal. Leaving

bowbelles9 · 23/12/2024 20:57

Thanks for pushing me

CulturalNomad · 23/12/2024 21:02

No it isn't I'm just really really struggling right now. I don't know hot deal with losing both parents to cancer in a matter of months especially so suddenly. I just wish they were still here

That is a huge loss and understandably a lot to take in. My condolences.

Do you have access to counseling or any kind of bereavement support? I was always skeptical about how helpful bereavement counseling might be, but I benefited immensely from just a few sessions earlier this year.

Again, I am sorry for your loss. Please take care.

TopOfTheCliff · 23/12/2024 21:21

@bowbelles9 please get some help from the Samaritans or Macmillan for yourself. You have been through a lot.

OP I have had two separate cancers in four years. I had 37 doses of chemo as well as three operations and radiotherapy. I was very worried how the diagnosis would affect my adult DC. I would be delighted if they were bored of me talking about it now rather than terrified they were going to lose me (while a bit sad they could be that shallow). Quite honestly most of us who have been through this particular gruesome circus and come out the other end alive are grateful for the joys of everyday life. I have little tolerance for the nonsense talked about Brave Warriors but everybody gets through the shitshow in their own way. Don’t let’s judge! Just be happy and be kind. None of us know what our future holds.

PaperbackWrighter · 23/12/2024 22:47

Ah, wow, your mum's only 51. I don't know but I imagined you were both older. I totally get where she's coming from in terms of the fear. Unless someone's experienced a cancer diagnosis themselves they have no idea of the terror you can feel of it coming back. Someone else has said here that your peace of mind goes, and it's so true. You don't necessarily think/talk about it all the time, but it's always somewhere at the back of your mind. And if your mum is talking and thinking about it a lot, again someone else said maybe it's her way of dealing with that fear.

If she's 51 now then was she only 46 when she was diagnosed? That's really young to face your mortality. Believe me, you don't expect it. I think you're being pretty harsh tbh. Counselling could well help her, but I think that's a choice she needs to make for herself.

PaperbackWrighter · 23/12/2024 22:53

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 23/12/2024 00:09

If she carries on like this fate will lend a helping hand she won’t be alive much longer.

Wt actual f?!

You know there's no link between stress/anxiety and cancer, right? Check out the Cancer Research UK myth-busting section of their website.

Also, you're talking about the OP's mother here 'won't be alive much longer' - talk about insensitive!!

PaperbackWrighter · 23/12/2024 22:58

BeLilacSloth · 23/12/2024 04:13

Somebody was like this where I used to work, she hadn’t had cancer in years, yet it was all she would talk about. Even her young children knew all about it and her 4 year old daughter told me ‘Mummy’s going for tests today to find out if she can have more children’. Was so weird, I feel for you OP the conversation must be debilitating.

Edited

She hadn't had cancer in years! But guess what, it can come back, so why not have a bit of compassion?

tothelefttotheleft · 23/12/2024 22:58

@PaperbackWrighter

I reported that post but Mumsnet obviously think it's fine to let it stand.

PaperbackWrighter · 23/12/2024 23:06

tothelefttotheleft · 23/12/2024 22:58

@PaperbackWrighter

I reported that post but Mumsnet obviously think it's fine to let it stand.

Well that's just great. Thanks Mumsnet! Truly nasty and inappropriate comment.

Compash · 23/12/2024 23:13

Tired88p85 · 23/12/2024 00:18

My mum had very aggressive breast cancer in 2017. It shook her to her core. She still goes on about it. Yes, it's tiresome, but I have no idea what it's like to be told you may be dead by the end of the year. It's truly awful in a way that is hard to comprehend.

And society loves to highlight people who are really positive about cancer, who have such positive lives now, who survived and then went to win the Olympics or some shite. Many cancer survivors live in fear and with enormous anxiety and with certain physical challenges they will never overcome.

Yes, this - the media loves a narrative of 'cancer heroes' who bounced back and did a marathon with a headscarf on and dressed as a giant tit... 😆

Most people are whacked out by it physically and mentally, churned through an intense medical treatment, then chucked out the other end with nothing to sustain them except the knowledge that their body did let them down, and that they have an increased chance of getting it again. Meanwhile everyone wants to think they're 'all done' with it because it's easier to take (and fair enough, it's not your battle. But it is hers).

I was too superstitious to even mention cancer before I got it. Afterwards, being able to mention it calmly and openly is part of the strength I've earned - facing down the reality of it like that.

I guess your reaction is normal, but I think hers is too. 🙂

AmyDudley · 23/12/2024 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NiftyPeachDreamer · 23/12/2024 23:49

It is attention seeking and that’s natural to an extent. We all want to be made a fuss of sometimes.

It would grate in me too. My mum is like this with arthritis, it’s all she talks about. But when I tell her ok mum we get it she’s not so bad.

Can you spend less time with her? How often do you see her? Ignore all the cancer talk so she knows you won’t engage with it.

saraclara · 23/12/2024 23:58

Speaking as someone who lost her DH to bowel cancer, this makes me particularly angry. If her cancer was over in a few months, then it's likely she didn't even have chemo. My neighbour had bowel cancer that was resolved by surgery alone, and he's very grateful for that.

To have someone make this fortunate (in cancer terms) outcome into their attention seeking raison d'etre, makes me angry. My DH never made a fuss or even mentioned his cancer unless asked, despite being diagnosed at stage 4, ensuring surgery, a stoma, chemo, and later radiation for brain metastases.

I realise I'm overreacting, but still...

SparklyGreenWriter · 24/12/2024 00:11

.

NiftyPeachDreamer · 24/12/2024 00:13

SparklyGreenWriter · 24/12/2024 00:11

.

Edited

Yes the reply to LL99887 is horrible and I hope will hidden or deleted soon.

tothelefttotheleft · 24/12/2024 00:23

@saraclara

But you are making it into cancer top trumps.

Not having chemo doesn't mean having cancer has affected you less mentally/ psychologically.

echt · 24/12/2024 00:33

Excellent username @tothelefttotheleft Grin

SparklyGreenWriter · 24/12/2024 00:45

tothelefttotheleft · 24/12/2024 00:23

@saraclara

But you are making it into cancer top trumps.

Not having chemo doesn't mean having cancer has affected you less mentally/ psychologically.

You seem to like taking people down without understanding the nuance of individual experiences. It was hell to watch my sister go through chemo. It made her so ill much beyond the original op. It's not top trumps it's many people with differing trauma and you are replying with spite and zero empathy again and again and again. We are all trying to deal here but you just like to score points. Please go more easily

Kitkat1523 · 24/12/2024 00:54

TheCrenchinglyMcQuaffenBrothers · 22/12/2024 21:58

She has had countless tests giving the all clear

Not sure how that can be if she had cancer in 2019. You’re only considered cancer-free if you remain in complete remission for five years or more after treatment, so surely she’s only just got to that point?

You are never considered cancer free….. only NAD ( no evidence of disease)

Kitkat1523 · 24/12/2024 00:56

Mais444 · 23/12/2024 13:17

Thank you all, your posts are all very helpful. It's been good to hear from those who have an experience with cancer themselves and I now see more where my mum is coming from. ❤️

Cancer fucks you up in all kinds of ways…. And the reality is it could very well come back….. you never trust your body again….. health anxiety is way off the scale …. Cut her some slack eh

Swipe left for the next trending thread