New baby in-laws won't visit as we chose to move away

[dragonflyden]

We have a 12 week baby who in-laws have yet to meet because they won't come and visit as we chose to move away and in their words we made our bed by moving away.
I didn't feel up to travelling the 4 hour journey to begin with to see them but was happy for them to come to us but they refused.
Now with Christmas around the corner I could do the journey in theory but I invited them to us as I thought it would be easier to be at home with all mine and babies things but they have said no they will not be putting themselves out because we decided to move away so we either go to them or not at all.
Not visiting them will mean they don't meet their Grandchild AIBU to think if they can't come and see us then never mind and not bother to travel 4 hours for them to meet their Grandchild?

We have similar. For some reason my husband's family are allergic to travelling and all live near each other about 5 hours away. They all have awful car sickness apparently. We go to see them most years but they never come here.

It really isn't good for a 12 week old baby to be spending 4 hours in a car seat, let alone doing the whole thing again a few days later. Tell them you have to put the baby's health first.

There’s a phrase that’s been bouncing about : Let them.

Let them sulk.
Let them not come and see the baby.
Let them do what they want.

You focus on you and the baby. If they want to be petty, fine. It’s not your job to make them be grandparents

Op I so recognise the leaving an area and some people think you need a passport! My recommendation is just stick to your guns some people can’t imagine life outside their small town and I think it’s often jealousy

My family are like this I moved away 25 years ago from their small town. I’ve had 25 years of must travel to them at Christmas (even though all capable of travel ) years sleeping on airbeds on the floor - two married couples DM and DF and DB and his DW (eventually DN). 7 beds between them never managed to muster a spare bedroom. It was all my fault for moving away.,

Spent years feeling guilty, doing my best. Now I’m getting to the age where apparently they were too old to keep travelling! Well my DM now gets visits when it suits us! She made her bed she can lie in it too!

That might be - but standard guidance is 2 hours in a 24 hour period

https://babysafeltd.com/safety/2-hour-rule/

elht.nhs.uk/services/maternity-and-newborn-services/keeping-your-baby-safe

They are younger than me! I travel right across Europe to see my dd! We regularly travel 2000 miles (bike rather than car)

I guess they won't get to know their grandchild then. They are being dicks. Let them. Enjoy your first Christmas with your baby at home. You don't need the hassle of a long trip with a newborn

Just enjoy peace with your new baby..Fair enough if theve got health issues.. but I'd move Heaven and earth if I had grandchildren.

I would have killed for a DIL like you who invited us to get involved. They’re so lucky and rejecting the opportunities. There’s nothing more you can do. Just hope they see how stupid they’re being.

I have mobility and major health issues! My stepson and wife planned their family and decided that Bristol was the perfect fit for them! We are in Essex about 3.5 hours drive (or 6 hrs for us as I need regular breaks!) So we bought a motorhome (which we make full use of for other journeys and trips, lol) and we drive down to see them 4 or 5 times a year! We go to a site nearby and then arrange good time for them for us to visit! We are retired, they are just starting out in life! They do come down to see us and other family occasionally and they do regularly call us via video to chat to the grandson but we make it work for the sake of the child!

Don't visit until it's summer and you WANT to go to Cornwall and have a place to stay in

Meet like for like. They have made their beds by choosing not to visit their grandchild. Why would you put a baby through an 8 hour round trip to visit people who aren’t interested in spending time with him/her? Invest your energy where it’s worth investing.

Just let them be. They've made their choice. They're not infirm or incapable of travel, they're just bloody minded, so play them at their own game! When my kids were little my dh had a job where we had to move around the country. We lived all over the UK, 3 months here, 6 months there, 12 months somewhere else. We used to travel back to our home city every single weekend to visit our parents, and so they could see the kids but ONLY because dh's parents couldn't drive and public transport was as dire then as it is now, and my father was in ill health and couldn't travel. But I have to say it was a nightmare! Every Friday night, driving anything from 2 hours to 6 hours to get there, and then the same on a Sunday night to get back home. It wrecked us both. If our parents had been as young as your in-laws, and perfectly able to drive themselves, things would have been very different! I would have said to you that you could have alternated visiting, but as they've categorically said they won't do the journey, then that's your answer. It's their loss! I'm in my 60's now and I travel a couple of hours each way a couple of times a month to collect a grandchild or two for the weekend, then their mum does the journey at other times. But even if she wouldn't or couldn't take her turn, I'd still do the journey because I would do anything to be a part of my grandchildren's lives! I cannot understand your in-laws mentality in that regard! How they can even consider missing out on meeting, and getting to know, their grandchild is beyond me. Just let them stew in their own misery.

Do they think he got a new job just to spite them?

I really feel for you OP. Just remember yoy have done nothing wrong by moving a few hours away. It's a perfectly normal thing to do.
Being able to travel to see a grandchild and choosing not to, that seems the strange thing to me.
I only know, we can't control how other people think & behave. We are all different and have different priorities. And, honestly, sometimes I absolutely cannot understand the choices people make. I just think, well, from their point of view, I'm the weird one. And I can't change that.

So do what feels right for you and don't ever let them pressure you into making decisions you are not comfortable with.
My best wishes to you.

Your reasoning is strange. It's not a 'competition' of who moved, and what people say about parents who move. Grandparents who are in their 40s should, bar where there are exceptional circumstances, have sufficient interest in their grandchildren to travel 4 hours, and enough interest in their well being not to expect tiny babies to weather a 4 hour journey. Why miss the chance to bond with grandchildren over something as silly ad 'who moved'?

I think this is unfair. OP has moved four hours away - that's a considerable distance - and presumably didn't worry too much about being able to see friends and relatives 'left behind' when they did so.
So I'm with the grandparents on this one - though, I probably would have made the point a little more kindly.

Respectfully, 25 mins away is a bit different to four hours away.

Also, I'm confused by those suggesting that four hours would be a 'long drive' for the OP... but the in-laws are being berated for not wanting to do a similarly long drive. Either it's a long drive or it isn't!?

I'm still with the in-laws on this one - OP chose to move away, so the onus really is on them to visit if they want their child to have a relationship with its relatives.

We moved a significant drive away from DH's family over 20 years ago (not four hours but far enough). If he wants to see them, he goes to them. Always has, always will.

A lot of missing information here. Is it a 4 hour round trip, or 4 hours each way? If it's a long journey, have you invited them to stay the night??

For a couple in their 40s, four hours is not a long journey. I drove from Winchester to Leeds the week before Christmas and drove back the following day. And worked the other four hours of each day. I'm in my 60s. Why do people think it's such a big deal?

Four hours for a new born however, is a big deal. How long is a baby supposed to be in a car seat without a break? How can OP cluster feed while driving? OP is still recovering from the birth.

Where is your DH/DP in this, as they are his parents? I wouldn't beat yourself up about this. Many people have to move for work and their behaviour is just odd.

A bi simplistic thinking. What about important details, e.g. age, mobility, previous history between the parties. What was the reason to move. Were you previously close? And finally, the whole attitude "if they can't be bothered blabla". Can be applied to both parties. But overall, it is difficult to judge without knowing details.

It's a strange, insular attitude. Many, many people these days leave the area in which they originally grew up. It's by no means unusual.

My DH left to go to university and never went back. This was partly owing to work circumstances and partly by design, for self-preservation reasons, as his family are the sort who would cause trouble in an empty room. That particular insight never occurred to them.

His family took his leaving as a personal affront and still alluded to it many years later. I don't think he was ever fully forgiven. DH has visited them 2-3 times a year since he left at the age of 18 - I didn't meet him until he was 28. But naturally, of course, the low contact between them is all my fault ...

I would return their energy. They are showing the cannot be bothered with their grandchild so that’s on them. Just live your life and forget whether or not they meet their grandchild.