New baby in-laws won't visit as we chose to move away

[dragonflyden]

We have a 12 week baby who in-laws have yet to meet because they won't come and visit as we chose to move away and in their words we made our bed by moving away.
I didn't feel up to travelling the 4 hour journey to begin with to see them but was happy for them to come to us but they refused.
Now with Christmas around the corner I could do the journey in theory but I invited them to us as I thought it would be easier to be at home with all mine and babies things but they have said no they will not be putting themselves out because we decided to move away so we either go to them or not at all.
Not visiting them will mean they don't meet their Grandchild AIBU to think if they can't come and see us then never mind and not bother to travel 4 hours for them to meet their Grandchild?

"Suffer" ?

We are talking about meeting a new grandchild. How is that suffering ?

I mean, I'd have visited to get to see the house, to get know the area my ds and his wife were now living in and, yes, just to see them, as a couple, even before the baby was born, but I'd have been up to meet the new baby as soon as the parents said it was okay, and would be offering to be back soon afterwards too. They change so much when little.

jellyfish2121 As a grandparent of five I totally disagree. It is so much easier for these young grandparents to travel than the poor parents. If the grandparents are controlling like this no wonder the young couple moved away.

No way would I travel 4 hours with a 12 week old baby. Stay home and enjoy the peace. I would consider going next year or the year after depending on how the baby is with car travel.

To be honest both of mine were so terrible in the car (screaming non stop that would drive me demented and probably cause an accident) that I didn't go anywhere over 2 hours until the youngest was 2.5. I did shorter journeys but it could sometimes require a lot of stops.

Travel will be easier in a few years, in the meantime they should come to you.

I can't imagine my parents preferring me to travel for that long with a baby when they could just come to me.

Put your foot down and say you won't be doing it. If they want to get into a routine of taking it in turns to visit, that's fine, but you won't be travelling that far with a baby at the moment.

As someone who has not given birth but does have assorted nieces, nephews, grand nieces and grand nephews, THIS. Esp so soon after giving birth.
And WTF is wrong with them in their 40's unable to travel? I drove 1300kms round trip (alone) last year aged 61 to visit. Is Cornwall stuck in the 17th century?

No she didn't say that. She said
I'm not as invested in seeing them as I would imagine they might be in seeing their first grandchild.
Pretty sure we all know the difference between seeing our parents-in-law and seeing a new grandchild. Then add on the difference between travel for 2 new parents with new baby vs fit healthy 40-something grandparents, and we all know what this situation is.

Let them! It’s entirely their loss. I’d swim an ocean to meet my new grandchild and I’d want to do anything possible to make sure mum/baby were happy. It sounds like this is a bigger issue than this one trip. If they haven’t been bothered enough to see them in 12 weeks I can’t see them playing a huge role in their life as they grow up

I remember what it was like travelling with a young baby. I'd go to the grandchild myself.

I don't forget a few comments I saw when it was the Brexit referendum from parents who should have had more sense saying they liked the idea of limiting their children's choices about moving abroad because they literally wanted them always living 'on the doorstep' as adults. I rather hoped at some point these kids all sodded off to Canada or Australia etc - as parents you need to being your children up to have the confidence to do whatever- and then support them in those choices - not insist they are living on the next street ad infinitum

One of two things is going on. Either

a) they do want to see their grandchild but they also want to control you. Once they eventually realise they can't, they'll come and visit (with many complaints), or

b) they don't really want to be grandparents - their loss, not yours

Enjoy your Christmas at home

Safety experts agree a baby should only be in a car seat max two hours. This means you cannot bring your baby all that way. End of discussion.

Whenever I see the term parents in law, I immediately picture people my own mother's age - mid-eighties. It came as a jolt when I realised here we are talking about people who are very nearly young enough to be my own children. 😬

The move was done so their own SON could step up, probably benefiting his family with the career move.

If there's no disability in play, OF COURSE they can get off their arses and visit.

https://www.motherandbaby.com/baby/safety/how-long-can-baby-be-in-car-seat/

If the grandparents are controlling like this no wonder the young couple moved away.

Exactly, I seriously doubt this is the first time that this “our way or the highway” attitude has shown up.

Selfish, controlling fuckers. They are punishing you for daring to do somethig different to what they wanted. Leave them to it.

For context, I moved to a different continent and have a 4 month old. My parents spent 4k and travelled for 36 hours to come meet my baby. They used their entire annual leave for the visit. They wanted to meet their grandchild and too see their daughter become a mother and NOTHING would stop them.

I do think if you move that far then you have to expect some people won't be able to travel often or at all.

For example, do they have dogs, health issues, other children? Are they working all week? Have you offered to put them up for a few nights? Are they confident drivers and at driving on motorways?
If any of the above apply I understand why it is harder for them.

But wouldn't you at least make the journey to meet your DGC for the first time. And then maybe be stubborn and expect the people who moved to travel more (I don't agree with that thought but for your arguement sake). But expecting your children and newborn GDC to do a 4 hour journey is unreasonable tbh.

As other posters have said though OP - they will be the ones missing out.

My in-laws travelled 12,000 miles to meet my dd and she wasn’t even their first grandchild.

If they don’t want to make an effort for their grandchild or child then they have made their own bed, leave then to lie in it!

Honestly you will probably save yourself many a MIL posts.

When I had my DC, I lived in London and my parents lived in Plymouth. They were in their early 50s (younger than I am now, sob!) and although my dad was away, my mum came up on the train within a few weeks of DD1's birth. The first time I went there she was almost 4 months.

If your in laws were bothered, they would make the effort. In my experience, if you want to see someone, you put yourself out to do so. Last year, my uncle died and I went to his funeral, even though it meant an overnight flight, attending the funeral, staying at an airport hotel and flying back the next morning. My aunt was thrilled that I made the effort and kept telling everyone there! My cousin kept reminding his mum that since he lives in Australia, he'd travelled twice as far!

It may not be their 'fault', but it is still much easier for 2 adults in their 40s to make the journey than OP with a small baby.

It does reveal that her PILs are not really bothered about meeting their new grandchild so that will damage the relationship.

They sound awful!
My 90 year old gran is coming to us for Xmas this year as I'm due a second baby in 3 weeks and family are an 8 hour drive away. She's an angel I know!

Arseholes!

My ILs are similar...have only met my DC a handful of times and she's 17 months. Their loss. Even if they were closer they wouldn't be very good grandparents anyway.

This. Two can play at that game - focus on you and your child and it is their loss if they choose not to visit.

I have the similar issue. Due to work and love I moved across the world. My parents (now deceased) never met their grandchildren. Their choice.

Not really sure that’s in the best interest of the baby. I certainly wouldn’t be shoving a 12 week old into a car seat to do a 4 hour round trip.

Wish my ghastly mother in law understood this.

It's their loss. Stay home only worry about yourselves this Christmas. I bet you're knackered and doing Christmas and all the stress that brings isn't worth it.