New baby in-laws won't visit as we chose to move away

[dragonflyden]

We have a 12 week baby who in-laws have yet to meet because they won't come and visit as we chose to move away and in their words we made our bed by moving away.
I didn't feel up to travelling the 4 hour journey to begin with to see them but was happy for them to come to us but they refused.
Now with Christmas around the corner I could do the journey in theory but I invited them to us as I thought it would be easier to be at home with all mine and babies things but they have said no they will not be putting themselves out because we decided to move away so we either go to them or not at all.
Not visiting them will mean they don't meet their Grandchild AIBU to think if they can't come and see us then never mind and not bother to travel 4 hours for them to meet their Grandchild?

They haven't visited your baby in 12 weeks, that alone says they don't deserve the Grandparent title. Selfish cunts.

In that case just leave them to it. Visiting works two ways if they were very elderly and in poor health and unable to drive or take public transport but they are being both ignorant and ridiculous.

For context MIL 86 was going to get the train up to us for DS’s big birthday last week. Well the journey involved a taxi and two trains and would take over three hours. In the end due to the bad weather she didn’t come but we visit her as much as she visits us (although she usually travels up with SIL).

Really, there doesn’t need to be.

Some people are just self-absorbed and think the world revolves around them.

Dealing with a narcissistic ex has taught me that some people make decisions that are bafflingly self-centered to most people for no reason other than they cannot be bothered to go out of their way for another person.

I cannot count the number of times I’ve relayed my ex’s latest antics to people and their reply starts with “But surely…” As in “But surely it would be easier on everyone if he rented a place closer than an hour from your home?” “But surely he could just set up an automatic payment for regular shared expenses rather than leaving you to pay for everything then chase him up?” “But surely he understands that feeding the kids takeaways all the time isn’t good for your daughter’s reflux?” etc etc

With some people, there is no “But surely there’s a reason for this other than their own selfishness/petulance/laziness.” Sometimes you just have to accept that some people don’t care all that much about others.

God Cornwall is horrible to get to from anywhere.

Their loss.

Oh, and for context, I have a disability and travelling is difficult for me, but it’s a damn site harder for a baby. They can’t be in the seat for long, they have to be fed, they get fractious, need changing. Some people are just selfish fuckers, and it sounds like OPs in-laws fall into that category

As it would be for the op with a very young baby!

Gosh!
I moved 300 miles from my parents. My dad never visited me, but gosh did he make efforts for his grandson.
Summer 2022 when the heat wave struck, trains all cancelled. He was gutted as was my mum. Next thing, the car is packed and he drove almost the length on England for one night!

Give out invites, but don't travel to them. Their loss. Enjoy your special early months with baby.

OMG - my husband and I travelled to California to see his first grandchild! It took us 5 years to pay for the trip (we did combine it with an additional 2 weeks touring holiday after a week in a beach rental near them ) but we've never regretted it. Your IL sound seriously weird...

The devil in me would want to suggest in the springtime, when it suits you, to offer to meet them half way for a weekend in say Bristol…..just to see what they say then 😊

JFC.

My mum drove 200 miles on the day I gave birth to meet ds, and came again a week later, we were incredibly chuffed that she came and was very welcome.

My in-laws lived 10 minutes away and in the first 6 years of his life DS saw my parents probably 4 times more often (from 200 miles away) than the in-laws.

4 hours is a bit of a trek but they really are cutting their noses off to spite their face here aren't they?

As pp say, return that energy. Nowt so queer as folk

Leave them to it. It's their loss. Enjoy your new baby.
All you can do is invite, then it's in their hands whether they want to come.

4 hours really isn't difficult, a very young baby doesn't need very much, we brought our 4 week old back to UK, flying both ways, with no problems. Of course on MN one isn't allowed to make motherhood sound anything other than the hardest thing on earth!

Honestly, stay at home. I ran around the country in the first few months of my baby’s life and it’s a massive upheaval. There’s nothing worse than being up at 3am feeding and being in someone else’s house or an Airbnb. I remember being stuck at my in laws in a bedroom that was without heating, trying to feed my baby and work out how the fuck to turn the radiator back on/ wake up my DH who was sleeping in a different room. Bastard miserable times.

You are probably used to this toxic behavior having grown up with them, but don’t subject your child to it. They either want a relationship with their grandchild or they don’t. It should not be conditional.

If 4 hours isn't really difficult then why aren't the grandparents visiting? It isn't difficult with a newborn so surely it really isn't difficult for adults in their 40s.

OP, they are weird. I suspect this is a control thing.

A young baby shouldn’t be in a car seat for more than 2 hours.

Leave them to it, it’s their loss. My late 70yo in laws came from Australia to see my newborn. If they really wanted to, they would.

I'm sure there is more to it than that. Do they have other family nearby whom they usually see, and are expected to?

What shit grandparents they are. In fact they don't deserve that title really.

Is it really worth digging in about this and falling out? Depriving your son of his grandparents? If they are not regular ‘out of county’ travellers, there could well be some deep seated psychological reason why they do not want to visit - for one, or both of them.

My mum in law has done something similar. When I was pregnant wi th our first child, we toyed with the idea of moving near her, even saw a few houses. Then the economic crash of 2008 happened and we couldn’t sell our flat so stayed living in London. As a consequence, she has not visited us in 15 years, despite the fact she could get a direct train and we would pick her up and drive her to our house. She says that we ‘chose this’ too. I used to be upset about it but agree - give back the same energy. We travel up to see her about twice a year now and our teenagers are under no illusions about her.

I find this whole attitude bizarre my in-laws drove down from Pontefract to Warwickshire to see there first grandchild.

At the hospital. She was still warm 🤣

I would be tempted to go visit them this Christmas. You then have been the bigger person. It's also easier to take a baby who doesn't actually need that much than a one year old next year, when you can say your turn to come to ours.

You can buy a lie flat car seat.

We played baby chicken after DC2 was born.

DH lost - he gave in after 6 months and we rented a house near his family 3 hours away. We then spent the weekend providing them with all meals and snacks, despite the fact they all lived within a 10 minute radius of the rental. I really, really can't be arsed with them now.