New baby in-laws won't visit as we chose to move away

[dragonflyden]

We have a 12 week baby who in-laws have yet to meet because they won't come and visit as we chose to move away and in their words we made our bed by moving away.
I didn't feel up to travelling the 4 hour journey to begin with to see them but was happy for them to come to us but they refused.
Now with Christmas around the corner I could do the journey in theory but I invited them to us as I thought it would be easier to be at home with all mine and babies things but they have said no they will not be putting themselves out because we decided to move away so we either go to them or not at all.
Not visiting them will mean they don't meet their Grandchild AIBU to think if they can't come and see us then never mind and not bother to travel 4 hours for them to meet their Grandchild?

I can understand it if they, and you, don't want ro travel 4 hrs at Christmas especially if it's 4 hrs each way or would require an overnight stay.
But if/when my DD has a baby there would be no keeping me away for 12 weeks!

Leave them to it, they sound like idiots.

Seriously it’s their grandchild and their son moved for a job not on a bloody whim. They are late 40s, baby is 3 months they should travel for babies sake

This is an issue for your DH, his wacko parents.

Just make it clear they are always welcome then leave any further discussion on the subject to your husband - they are his parents

You’ve just had a baby! If you were my relation, I’d be clear that you come first and you need to be where you are most comfortable and sorted = at home. Having never had children, but having seen sibling and close friends parenting young children, I do think parents, new parents in particular, need caring for by others. And caring includes putting your needs first and others putting themselves out as needed.

Your parents are being massively unreasonable. So basically they're going to never meet their grandchild because they'd have to leave their sacred Cornwall? My parents lived in my native Netherlands and still managed to see us several times a year, being retired and able to afford it. My ILs lived in the US and came over to see us every year! It's called 'giving a shit', and sadly your parents don't.

Do you live near a mainline train station? If they don’t want to drive, your DH could suggest they get the train and make a long weekend of it. I doubt they’re “wacko” as suggested above, but probably just anxious about going anywhere new, particularly if you’ve moved to a large city.

Please don't feel you need to stick your 12 week old in a car seat for a four hour journey out and a four hour journey home. It's really bad for their health as well as the driver having to listen to hours of screaming - which is bad for the driver's health.

Newborns are boring anyway and only need to bond with you and your DH. Not seeing their grandparents until they are quite a bit older isn't going to hurt them at all.

No way I'd drive 4 hours with a newborn for someone who can't be bothered. Maybe in the future you can meet halfway but at the moment id just leave it.

Mad. It's so hard for the generation coming up to buy locally in Cornwall anyway, they must have known you might one day leave for one reason or another.
Your baby's tiny and it's bloody hard to go all that way with one so small - take it from me having trekked Bristol-Cornwall at 6 and 12 weeks post partum. The traffic can make it a lot longer than predicted too. They should be accommodating you. If they aren't I think you need to start thinking hard about why that is and what it says about them.

They are biting off their noses to spite their faces. This is 100% on them and their loss. Guess they don't care about the baby, sound like a couple of jerks!

Do they have transport? Do they have pets they have to consider? At under 50 and otherwise fit, there must be more to them not visiting than ‘you made your bed’

Hugely fuck them!
im not much younger than them with a new baby 😂
Parents who aren’t excited for their child to move away are weird. To punish your DH for moving away for work is just bizarre. Enjoy your first Christmas

It doesn’t sound like they want a relationship with their grandchild unfortunately. I know it might be disappointing but not nearly as disappointing as living in the same town and never seeing them. Yes the relationship with grandparent and grandchild will be different because of the distance but it can still be there. It sounds a bit conditional to only have a relationship with them if you lived in the same area.

Potentially you could make an exception this time as your child will be to young to remember if it goes sour and then invite them to yours next time you get together. But only if you feel there is a relationship to be build (and rebuild between yourself/partner and then).

I had this when I got married and had children. My mother was always saying “well it was your choice to move away…” I moved to do my nurse training, met DH who was in the RAF so we moved a lot. The roads only seemed to go one way, as did phone lines, but they had no problems visiting their friend in Asia, and still go there. It’s a choice thing. It’s one of the reasons our relationship is fragile.

I’m a granny to DGS who will be one on Boxing Day. DS2 moved 3hrs away to go to university, met DDIL and never came home. We go to visit them every 6 weeks or so. We always stay in an Air BnB since DGS has been born because they don’t need us intruding on them overnight and extra bedding to wash etc. I cook, take baked goods, help with stuff that needs doing.

They do come here too, because MIL is about an hour away and it’s on their way home, so I’ve bought everything they would need for DGS eg, highchair, buggy, travel cot, bowls & cutlery, to make their lives easier. I remember what it was like to pack the car to the rafters for a weekend visit and I don’t want that for them.

I can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to meet their grandchild or go to visit them. It makes no sense to me that someone will stubbornly sit waiting for the world to come to them and miss out apron their beautiful newborn grandchild. It’s their loss at the end of the day, but I’d never forget it.

I live a 7 hour journey from my parents and see them about every two months on average. Often for a week or more at a time.

That is their choice.
full stop

so be it.

do not spend any more of your time and energy thinking about it.

We live overseas and flew back to visit the new grandchildren when they were born. It takes much longer than 4 hours each way but why wouldn't you when you're a new grandparent.

Are both of them equally stubborn or is it FIL putting his foot down about travelling? Seems very odd to me as an excited granny. We're expect a new grandchild next Spring and I'm looking forward to the trip already. 😊

Bloody hell.

Selfish fuckers. You're honestly better off without people like this in your life, as upsetting as it is.

Probably because transporting 12 week olds is a faff, before you even get to the steriliser, pram, nappies etc

Match their energy and do nothing. The beauty of this situation is you have all the cards and the control. They can’t make you do anything

4 hours is too long for a small baby to be in a car seat. They sound very selfish.

Okay nah, fuck them. My parents would have driven four hours in their 70s to spend Christmas with their grandchildren.

We have this with DH’s parents. They live about 2.5 hours away and did come and see both grandchildren at a few days old. But visits in general are something of a bargaining chip. This was a huge issue when kids were small as eldest was hugely travel sick and had a max journey time of 40 minutes until he was almost 4. Sometimes he would be sick on shorter journeys but once we got to 40 minutes sickness was guaranteed. MIL was largely disbelieving on this point, seemingly of the opinion that I made it up to be awkward.

nowadays it is hard to find time to visit them with all the hobbies (DC 8 and 10) - we have things scheduled both weekend days, and most evenings, and that doesn’t include things like birthday parties or sports fixtures. They are welcome here whenever, but seem to operate a turn taking system. They won’t visit unless we’ve been to see them, but I rather think they believe they shouldn’t need to visit them and we should do all the travel.

my parents live in Cornwall and don’t visit - that is to do with health issues. But I don’t mind so much as they live in a good holiday spot.

Blimey, what were they like as parents?
I'd have thought thar if you raise kids in Cornwall, you'd be prepared for the fact that they may relocate for both work and affordable housing.