Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd choosing friend over our outing together

205 replies

Whatsthepointhey · 22/12/2024 15:40

Dd is 6.
She’s not been well for a while, but started to get better in the last few weeks.
I arranged to go to a special Christmas show as a treat, booked the tickets, we read the book and she got a fancy new dress. I was really excited about this special mother/daughter outing as it’s something I’ve always wanted to go to and to take dd felt really special.
I started to get ready earlier and was asking her to get dressed, whilst I did my make up and would do her hair. She was running around saying she was playing etc. I then heard her calling to her friend over the back, who comes to stay with her auntie some weekends.
She came running upstairs saying how she didn’t want to go to the show, wanted to play with this friend and could she please play with her as she didn’t want to go to the show, she said sorry and pleaded.
What would you have done?

OP posts:
MumblesParty · 22/12/2024 18:38

OP kids this age live in the moment. They want to do what they want to do right now. They can’t see that advanced planning is needed - ie if I do X now, I won’t be able to do Y later. Would you miss a flight because your daughter wanted to watch a particular programme on TV?!!

Ablar · 22/12/2024 18:38

Whatsthepointhey · 22/12/2024 15:47

Sorry, to explain further, she still feels sick some days and has been saying she doesn’t want to go out anywhere (yesterday we offered to take her to the local Christmas village with ice skating) and she said she just wanted to stay at home
Earlier today she was saying she didn’t want to go anywhere out of the house

If she feels too sick to go to the show, then she doesn't play with the friend. Can't pick and choose when she feels too unwell to do something she doesn't want to do

InSpainTheRain · 22/12/2024 18:42

I say let's arrange for you play with friend next week (or whenever) but we are off now to our show. No way would she be not going to the show so she could play with her friend, kids are impulsive and they don't think stuff theough. If she said she didn't feel well I'd say well let's try as we have tickets and see how yiu feel.

Iwishiwasagiraffe · 22/12/2024 18:42

I can’t understand why you wouldn’t take her to the show. She’s 6. She’s seen her friend and wants to play- totally normal. However you have pre booked a play and you’ve paid a lot for it. So it’s tough- she goes to the play and sees her friend next time. It’s important for kids to make their own choices sometimes yes. But it’s also important for kids to respect pre made plans that they helped make and the importance of sticking to them. Also, if she’s well enough to play out with friend then she’s well enough to sit and watch a show surely?

Wonderi · 22/12/2024 18:47

Ablar · 22/12/2024 18:38

If she feels too sick to go to the show, then she doesn't play with the friend. Can't pick and choose when she feels too unwell to do something she doesn't want to do

Show quote history

Exactly!

If she’s too poorly to go to the show, she’s too poorly to see her friend.

So she either goes to the show and sees her friend afterwards or she stays home and doesn’t go to the show or see her friend.

What happens if the friend has a day off school, will you also let her have a day off too?

Why are you letting her walk all over you OP?

You may think you’re being nice but you’re not because kids actually need boundaries and they need the parent to be the parent.

Cattyisbatty · 22/12/2024 19:02

She'd come to the show. Friend can play another day.

NoBodyIdRatherBe · 22/12/2024 19:19

I’d make her go. So many adults back out of plans at the last minute because they can’t be arsed or something better comes up. I think it’s terrible behaviour to let others down. She needs to understand that you follow through on plans unless it’s completely unavoidable.

5128gap · 22/12/2024 19:20

I'd have made a judgement call on whether she was well enough for the show and that would have been the only criteria I'd have used. I wouldn't have allowed a 6 year old to unwittingly deprive herself of something special that I knew she'd enjoy, because she lacked the maturity to see the big picture and was choosing based on the immediate gratification you'd expect at 6, but without understanding what she was missing. At a similar age, my DS tried to insist we stayed at the hotel playground at Disney World because he didn't want to go to the Magic Kingdom (first day, he'd never been before)He was obviously glad I overruled him.

WhimsicalGubbins76 · 22/12/2024 19:29

op, I’ve just read all your posts, and I’m just going to summarise the gist of them all…

Your daughter has been off school a lot. As a treat you booked for you both to see a Christmas show. She’s now decided she wants to play with her friend-you obviously caved and let her dictate the day hence the “aibu”

When told you are being unreasonable, you say that she’s too sick to be in the car or go out anywhere. Which is why you let her dictate.
Now, if that’s the case, then why did you book tickets for a show in the first place? And why the need to post the “AIBU” if you decided she’s too sick to go out? The friend thing is completely irrelevant.

All that aside, in answer to your question, I’d have been a parent. That’s what I would have done.
I firstly wouldn’t have booked a show if my child was sick. And if they weren’t sick, I wouldn’t let my 6 year olds whims change plans I’d made

AlexaSetATimer · 22/12/2024 19:34

Whatsthepointhey · 22/12/2024 16:20

But if she doesn’t want to leave the house as feels sick and hasn’t done for a few days?
Under normal circumstances, very different

Oh she saw you coming. She's figured out if she says she feels sick, she'll get to stay home. And it worked didn't it.

You need to parent her! And don't let her renege on paid for things - unless she's definitely unwell (evidence, not just her saying so because she wants to play with a friend).

Porcuporpoise · 22/12/2024 19:35

Whatsthepointhey · 22/12/2024 16:20

But if she doesn’t want to leave the house as feels sick and hasn’t done for a few days?
Under normal circumstances, very different

If she feels that bad then she's not well enough to play with a friend. I'd guess that she's feeling better but wanted to stay with her friend because her friend was right in front of her. Small children aren't that good at delayed gratification.

Bumcake · 22/12/2024 19:49

I don’t understand why you posted this then did the opposite of what 90% of posters advised.

Your daughter has got you wrapped around her finger, and the sad thing is that won’t benefit either of you.

Lillixyng · 22/12/2024 19:52

This is another of those threads where a a lovely mum, trying to do her best, asks for help with a dilemma. People are entitled to post their opinion but maybe it should be done in a kinder way. Lots of posters disregarding the ops updates and predicting a spoil brat will be the result of choosing to listen to her DD.

You sometimes need an iron armour to post on here.

MsGrumpytrousers · 22/12/2024 20:04

I'd have said no.

It's a skill parents need to have.

devilspawn · 22/12/2024 20:19

I would have called the show to find out if they had any last minute tickets and could squeeze the friend in as well.

But if they didn't have anything, for the sake of £25 on 2 tickets and a dress, I'd have just left it. If the tickets were £25 each it would be different.

lunar1 · 22/12/2024 20:24

Absolutely no way would my child have been allowed to go play in these circumstances.

The options would have been to go to the planned and paid for activity, or if not we'll come quiet activities at home. You're setting yourself up for some very difficult years.

Biffbaff · 22/12/2024 20:28

It's a bit emotionally immature of you to be nursing a wound over her "choosing" her friend over special mother/daughter time. She won't have understood it like that. She just wanted the immediate gratification of what was directly on offer there and then. Letting her do that is on you and you shouldn't hold resentment to her over it.

Grammarnut · 22/12/2024 20:38

TimeForATerf · 22/12/2024 17:41

JFC, she is 6, and infant. Good luck when she gets to 13 with this attitude.

Edited
Show quote history

I assume @Jumell has money to burn, too!

SD1978 · 22/12/2024 20:44

I would have expected her to come with me to the show, or to go to her bedroom and lie down. If she wasn't well enough to go to the show she sure as hell isn't well enough to play. I don't know about the previous PANS posting you e done, but you've retained my pandered to her. She shouldn't get to use I feel sick and a possible diagnosis to manipulate which is exactly what she's done.

woodlandwanders · 23/12/2024 10:46

@Whatsthepointhey she's a million times better, no big flares in the past year. Antibiotics helped the most, though she had to be at rock bottom for months (if she was an adult she would have been sectioned 100%) for them to ever prescribe a short course. Even then, I was told it was pointless & any improvement was coincidental (though I had letters from her school & therapist that said she improved exponentially within days of starting to take them). I was made to feel like a conspiracy theorist by the NHS & nobody was willing to listen, which made everything so much scarier. The fact that there are no NICE guidelines yet (whereas it's a recognised condition in the US/ elsewhere in Europe) & so doctors are generally reluctant to treat medically is the hardest part.

Therapy helped a little, though this was mainly because her therapists were amazing & very supportive - they got her school to put in accommodations when the SENCO was refusing to listen to me. Exposure therapy etc didn't actually help - she'd just make massive leaps whenever she was taking antibiotics.

But she still struggled even when not significantly flaring until we moved house last Christmas. Our old rental was very mouldy & damp (I cleaned the mold but it was in the walls so the spores would still be there) - within weeks of moving, the change in her was so massive that I realised the mould must have been having a massive impact too.

The PANS/ PANDAS Facebook group is amazing & super supportive, I'd definitely recommend taking a look.

Lillixyng · 23/12/2024 12:37

SD1978 · 22/12/2024 20:44

I would have expected her to come with me to the show, or to go to her bedroom and lie down. If she wasn't well enough to go to the show she sure as hell isn't well enough to play. I don't know about the previous PANS posting you e done, but you've retained my pandered to her. She shouldn't get to use I feel sick and a possible diagnosis to manipulate which is exactly what she's done.

I am very glad for you that you do not suffer from this type of illness. As an adult suffering from something similar, I can tell you it is not as easy as sucking it up. Nor is she ‘choosing what activities to partake in. I have only had this in recent years and I am past 70. Fortunately I have a brilliant GP who, in no way classifies me as a hysteric. With the help of the NHS over the last two years I have no been prescribed medication that works. For me, to be free, of this, is like winning the lottery.

The amazing cruelty which you have written about this child really is the worse thing I have ever read on here.

Original poster
Whatsthepointhey · 23/12/2024 13:02

woodlandwanders · 23/12/2024 10:46

@Whatsthepointhey she's a million times better, no big flares in the past year. Antibiotics helped the most, though she had to be at rock bottom for months (if she was an adult she would have been sectioned 100%) for them to ever prescribe a short course. Even then, I was told it was pointless & any improvement was coincidental (though I had letters from her school & therapist that said she improved exponentially within days of starting to take them). I was made to feel like a conspiracy theorist by the NHS & nobody was willing to listen, which made everything so much scarier. The fact that there are no NICE guidelines yet (whereas it's a recognised condition in the US/ elsewhere in Europe) & so doctors are generally reluctant to treat medically is the hardest part.

Therapy helped a little, though this was mainly because her therapists were amazing & very supportive - they got her school to put in accommodations when the SENCO was refusing to listen to me. Exposure therapy etc didn't actually help - she'd just make massive leaps whenever she was taking antibiotics.

But she still struggled even when not significantly flaring until we moved house last Christmas. Our old rental was very mouldy & damp (I cleaned the mold but it was in the walls so the spores would still be there) - within weeks of moving, the change in her was so massive that I realised the mould must have been having a massive impact too.

The PANS/ PANDAS Facebook group is amazing & super supportive, I'd definitely recommend taking a look.

So glad she’s so much better, we’re in the same situation. How many times were you prescribed antibiotics and for how long? What was the underlying infection do you know? Was it strep?

OP posts:
Grammarnut · 23/12/2024 14:46

Biffbaff · 22/12/2024 20:28

It's a bit emotionally immature of you to be nursing a wound over her "choosing" her friend over special mother/daughter time. She won't have understood it like that. She just wanted the immediate gratification of what was directly on offer there and then. Letting her do that is on you and you shouldn't hold resentment to her over it.

Nor should OP let her do it. The show is booked and paid for. She goes if she is well enough, if she is not well enough then she is not well enough to have a play date.

Aligirlbear · 23/12/2024 17:22

Whatsthepointhey · 22/12/2024 16:20

But if she doesn’t want to leave the house as feels sick and hasn’t done for a few days?
Under normal circumstances, very different

Simple then, she isn't well enough to see / play with her friend. If she is too unwell to go out she is too unwell to play and needs to stay by herself quietly. As a parent you need to make the decisions / set boundaries, not allow a 6 year old to dictate what they would like to do and when.

JennyBG · 23/12/2024 18:47

Whatsthepointhey · 22/12/2024 15:40

Dd is 6.
She’s not been well for a while, but started to get better in the last few weeks.
I arranged to go to a special Christmas show as a treat, booked the tickets, we read the book and she got a fancy new dress. I was really excited about this special mother/daughter outing as it’s something I’ve always wanted to go to and to take dd felt really special.
I started to get ready earlier and was asking her to get dressed, whilst I did my make up and would do her hair. She was running around saying she was playing etc. I then heard her calling to her friend over the back, who comes to stay with her auntie some weekends.
She came running upstairs saying how she didn’t want to go to the show, wanted to play with this friend and could she please play with her as she didn’t want to go to the show, she said sorry and pleaded.
What would you have done?

You are the parent, ergo you parent. A six year old does not dictate to a parent, they do as they are told. Is this how you mean to go on, letting your child call the shots? Grow up, and be the adult here.