Dd choosing friend over our outing together

[Whatsthepointhey]

Dd is 6.
She’s not been well for a while, but started to get better in the last few weeks.
I arranged to go to a special Christmas show as a treat, booked the tickets, we read the book and she got a fancy new dress. I was really excited about this special mother/daughter outing as it’s something I’ve always wanted to go to and to take dd felt really special.
I started to get ready earlier and was asking her to get dressed, whilst I did my make up and would do her hair. She was running around saying she was playing etc. I then heard her calling to her friend over the back, who comes to stay with her auntie some weekends.
She came running upstairs saying how she didn’t want to go to the show, wanted to play with this friend and could she please play with her as she didn’t want to go to the show, she said sorry and pleaded.
What would you have done?

Punishing her because she is ill?

I understand why you did it, but I think you're storing up problems for the future if you let your 6yo make the decisions.

With respect to her feeling sick for a while, it must be hard with a 6 yr old to tell if they really are feeling sick or they just don’t fancy something. I know it would have been with mine!

It all sounds like a total non event and very normal behaviour. The normal reaction would have been breezily to say no we’re off to the show, maybe you can play tomorrow.

her feeling ill is a separate thing and I would have probably tried going with the thought of leaving at the interval if she was genuinely ill.

Why is that a punishment?

If you're unwell, you need to be in bed, resting.

@Lillixyng no because if you're ill, the best place is in bed resting.

Sounds like its upset you. Why?
Would you have liked to be taken out like this when you were 6 years old?

Your daughter was just being a normal 6yo, there isnt any bad intentions towards you.

Why did you let a 6 yo have a choice?
I don't get it.

I think a 6yo can certainly decide what they want to do for fun.

It’s hardly asking a 6yo, Should we buy solar panels or a heat pump for the house this year? Or hmm, 🤨 should I max out my pension contributions or start an ISA?

I never had any problems with mine growing up because they were able to decide what they wanted to do or did not want to do with their free time.

You have just let a six year old dictate to you. Good luck on the future with that one.
She is six, she does as she us told.

Is your daughter’s recent illness PANS related or is she actually physically unwell? Just how much school has she missed? Is she just saying she is feeling unwell and not going to school or is she actually unwell?

Please consider when allowing children to dictate things like this that they have to conform into a class of 30 at school.

The answer should have been no. We've got tickets that cost money plus the trip is important to me. Oh and you'll have a great time!

PANS/ PANDAS is so uniquely horrible & traumatic, for lots of reasons - when I first read your post I thought of course id tell DD she was coming with me, until I saw that. With PANDAS, it's more about just whatever gets you both through the day. With my DD, PDA-type behaviours were a big part of it, so making her do anything would just equal a horrible day for everyone, and it would just spiral and spiral.

Solidarity & love - DD started exhibiting PANDAS symptoms on Boxing Day 2022 and though I don't think either of us will ever fully get over the trauma, I can't tell you how much better our lives are now.

You do whatever you need to to get you both through, people who haven't experienced it are unlikely to understand

Told her to get ready and taken her to the show. What else?
NB Why are you asking her to get dressed? Tell her.

No, pointing out that pre-arranged events cannot be overturned on a whim and that if she doesn't want to go to the show playing with her friend is not an option.

Even if you already had tickets and so would lose money as a result of their decision?

I am actually disbelieving of this.
6 year olds don’t get to make these kind of decisions.

When she is a tween and completely out of control……please remember - you did this

Yes, but if they said "yes I want to see the show" on Monday and you booked the tickets and said "we're going to the show on Friday, hooray" and the they decided on Friday morning that "no actually I want to play with Katie".
You would make them honour their first arrangement. You might be able to chuck £50 at something and let your child change their mind at the last minute and be happy to suck up that loss, and allow an impulsive 6 year old to drop plans and people for a better offer, costing you £50.... But 99% of us wouldn't.

Why are you even asking? The answer is ....the show.

This wasn't a case of free activity one with Susie, or free activity two with mum. If it was, I'd agree with you.

But OP had already booked and paid for tickets for an activity - in which case the six year old gets told "tough, you're going".

'it’s something I’ve always wanted to go to'

what was this show - that you have allowed her not to go to so she can stay at home and play with a friend

What is the relevance of some of these questions?

JFC, she is 6, and infant. Good luck when she gets to 13 with this attitude.

Don’t be so ridiculous. You are the adult and you decide what a 6 year old is doing.

if she isn’t well enough to go she’s also too ill to play with her friend.

like any normal parent, tell her to go and get ready as you are leaving soon!