Dd choosing friend over our outing together

[Whatsthepointhey]

Dd is 6.
She’s not been well for a while, but started to get better in the last few weeks.
I arranged to go to a special Christmas show as a treat, booked the tickets, we read the book and she got a fancy new dress. I was really excited about this special mother/daughter outing as it’s something I’ve always wanted to go to and to take dd felt really special.
I started to get ready earlier and was asking her to get dressed, whilst I did my make up and would do her hair. She was running around saying she was playing etc. I then heard her calling to her friend over the back, who comes to stay with her auntie some weekends.
She came running upstairs saying how she didn’t want to go to the show, wanted to play with this friend and could she please play with her as she didn’t want to go to the show, she said sorry and pleaded.
What would you have done?

Is she better now? How did she get better?

OP, I agree with a pp that the suspected PANS/PANDAS is extremely important here.

The general response here is correct if there was no background - tell her you can’t play now because you’re headed to the panto but we can play tomorrow. At that age children are largely focused on the fun thing immediately in front of them. They really struggle to weigh something that they know is fun right here and now (playing with this friend) against something that requires some waiting like going out to a show, especially when they can’t really picture what that delayed thing will be like. And they aren’t considering commitments for to others or things that have been paid for yet. As a parent I’d consider that choice above a 6 year-old’s level and make it for them.

But PANS/PANDAS changes this entirely and I’d feel far more uncertain about forcing the issue and how that can be done in a way that’s actually beneficial. Has your DD/family been able to start CBT or with psychiatric services?
I know that persistent avoiding behavior can be a problem after the initial illness and can take work to overcome but not much more beyond that.

Going to a show is so much more demanding then pottering around your own garden.

Who is the parent?

@katepilar Yes, maybe it’s too early to book these types of things. I was just disappointed I suppose and feel selfish now, I just wanted a bit of normality back

Don't know the history of her illness but if she has been housebound for a while she may feel uncertain about going out somewhere unfamiliar. Playing with a friend at her own house or next door may feel like a safe, fun thing to do in comparison. It may also feel like a legitimate reason to her for turning down the thing she is a bit worried about. Go big on your empathy, kindness and firmness and see where you go with it. No point making black or white decisions until you know the score. Hoping you get/ got your lovely trip out together. x

Take her to the show. You have bought tickets.
It's not unusual behaviour for a 6 year old to suddenly say she wants to stay and play with a friend instead if going out. She isn't choosing a friend over you, a 6 year old doesn't rationalise things like that.They think in the moment.
But that shouldn't make you change your plans. She will probably enjoy it when you are there

The relevance being that it is a uniquely oddly worded thread AND given your previous thread on your daughter, it would be helpful to know the context of her missing significant amounts of time at school.

Sorry I don't understand the question.

Children of that age often go for the bird in the hand so to speak. They can't weigh up something fun right now and something that might be even more fun later. I would've taken her to the
Show but if she's missed out on friends recently ,spoken to neighbour and arranged a playdate for tomorrow

I’m sorry, who’s the adult in the relationship?

Quite.

And that's why society is going to hell in a handcart!!

"Independence in decision making" - she's fucking 6!!!

I would 100% make her go.

Are you sure she's actually feeling sick or has got used to using it to get her own way of things?

This.

have you missed the show?

She’ll probably ask later when the show is, and will cry when you tell her she missed it.

100% this

Excuse me???

@CountessWindyBottom What are you on about?

Ditto

Does she have more complex health needs? We're you concerned about how she'd cope being taken out if she's had to miss school? I'm not familiar with the history here.

I can't believe you stayed home. She's six, and you'd spent money. She'll be running circles around you in no time.

Yup.

Of course you go to the show. You teach your daughter you can't just change your plans if something better comes along.

Kids can struggle to think about the future.

If there is something happening now that’s fun, they will want to do that instead regardless of what else might be happening later on.

It’s like when kids don’t want to leave the park, even though they may be doing something just as fun afterwards but all they can think about is that moment.

Of course she’s going to want to see her friend.
But I would have told her that she’ll have to see her when she gets home or that you’ll arrange a play date at a later time because you already have plans.

I wouldn’t even consider not going to the event.

I would have made a time that suits for the friend to come and play- whether that was after you come back or tomorrow or next weekend or whatever - and taken her to the show.