Dd choosing friend over our outing together

[Whatsthepointhey]

Dd is 6.
She’s not been well for a while, but started to get better in the last few weeks.
I arranged to go to a special Christmas show as a treat, booked the tickets, we read the book and she got a fancy new dress. I was really excited about this special mother/daughter outing as it’s something I’ve always wanted to go to and to take dd felt really special.
I started to get ready earlier and was asking her to get dressed, whilst I did my make up and would do her hair. She was running around saying she was playing etc. I then heard her calling to her friend over the back, who comes to stay with her auntie some weekends.
She came running upstairs saying how she didn’t want to go to the show, wanted to play with this friend and could she please play with her as she didn’t want to go to the show, she said sorry and pleaded.
What would you have done?

I'm 67 now but I remember doing a similar thing when I was exactly 6 years old. My mum had booked tickets for a "Christmas on Ice" show. I'd really wanted to go, it looked so exciting but some children who I rarely saw and liked a lot knocked on the door and asked me to go out to play with them. They were staying with relatives in our village much like the child in your scenario. I kicked up one hell of a fuss and my mother threw in the towel and let me go out to play instead of going to the show. The kids disappeared after about an hour and my mum said the show was no longer on offer. I'd made my choice. I was absolutely bloody inconsolable. Lesson learnt.

She's 6. Yes, she's been ill but this is a treat now she's better. If she's too ill to go to the show, she's too ill to go and play with her friend.

Also she needs to learn about commitments and agreeing. Money was spent. She agreed to go. Plans have been made. Nice dress was bought etc. If she doesn't go to the show, then she doesn't get the dress. She doesn't get to pick and choose.

If you let her do this now, when you can literally pick her up and put her in a car, how are you going to react when she is 14 and you've spent thousands on a holiday and she refuses to get on a plane?

You are not her friend. You are her mum and you have to set the rules and the boundaries. She won't always like it but this is how you bring up children to understand that the world doesn't revolve around them.

But on this occasion she isn't unwell she's playing with next doors niece?

Staying home because she's unwell is a whole different conversation

I don't want to be unkind but you seem a bit inept and passive

This is wild. If she's well enough to want to play with her friend, she's well enough to leave the house and go to a show. Can't believe you wasted the money/experience and didn't go. I'm baffled by this decision.

I'd acknowledge what she wants, because at that moment she was having lots of fun and didn't want it to stop. But chances are, she'd have enjoyed where you were going too. So if have just lightly said "ah wouldn't that be fun! I'm so glad you're having a great time. We have to leave in 15 (or whatever) but luckily it's the holidays so you'll have loads of time to play another day."

My kids often didn't want to stop whatever they were doing, even if it was for something objectively more fun like an outing or treat, just because they didn't have the insight yet to think outside of the enjoyment they were getting from what they were doing. Once we'd moved on, they were fine and enjoyed it.

If it was something run of the mill, like a trip to the library or whatever, by all means be flexible and give t a miss.

6 year olds just want whatever exciting thing is in front of them at the time. She's not in charge, you are. She will have a fantastic time at the show, and she can see her friend another time. No problem!

And yes, very normal child behaviour.

You are the adult. Tell your daughter that she can play with her friend next time she comes. She needs to learn who is in charge and not be allowed to get away with having her own way. You will make a rod for your own back if she does. Children of that age need firm but gentle structure. Tell her how amazing the show will be and she can't afford to miss it. She can tell her teacher and friends about it later.

Are you the lady with the child who has suspected PANS / PANDAS?

That. If you didn't go, you've made a huge rod for your own back in the future. Total madness.

If you thought that maybe she wasn't well enough to sit on a seat and watch a show, she sure as hell wasn't well enough to go off and play with friends.

You're going to have to to tighten up or you're going to have a nightmare when she's a teen.

If she feels sick, then she doesn't get to play with another child and infect them right before Christmas. Why are you not getting this?!

If she is well, she goes to the show as planned. If she is not well, she stays at home. None of the options should involve playing with her friend.

Then she stays home and goes to bed.

She doesn't stay home and play with her friend

If she is feeling that sick, I'm sure the friend's family will love you for encouraging their child to stay and play 🙄

How much did you pay for the tickets and new dress. If it cost a lot money I think I would have made her go.

Well if she feels sick she shouldn’t be playing with anyone in case it it’s infectious and someone else gets sick for Christmas. She’s not sick if she is well enough to play is she?

Someone is trying to make out that you are an egomaniac because you used the pronoun "I" five times in your post, even though the majority of the uses of that were describing factual things from your point of view.

It's true that you had the "temerity" to tell us that "I was really excited about this special mother/daughter outing as it’s something I’ve always wanted to go", which for the person who called you out is evidence of this egomania. 🙄

Ignore them. But also, as PP have said, don't worry. Your daughter just sees two immediate alternatives (the show or playing with her friend), and cannot be expected to understand all of the subtleties (e.g., how much effort you put into organising it, the cost of the tickets, etc) that make going to the show the right choice. Tell her how great the show will be, promise her that she can meet up with the friend asap and that the friend will also love to hear how good the show was, and you'll be fine. 🙏

This. Too sick to go to the show too sick to play.

Obviously you take her to the show.

"Not today Jennifer. We've got tickets to see Show."

Obviously go to the show.
Don't let her grow up into a flaky and spoilt brat.

So you didn't go to the show and instead let her play with a friend even though she is 'sick' and may pass her illness to her friend over Christmas.

Yes, how did you know

Its nothing contagious

Around £25 total

If she is well enough to be running around the house asking to go and play with a friend then she can't be very poorly now - thank goodness!
I would have taken her. You are the adult, she is the child. It's difficult to know sometimes when to take them seriously but you have organised the event and she should be going with you as planned.
Of course, we can't see your DD, take her temp, or know how ill she has been so you need to make the call really.

Just a hunch, but I do think it's pertinent to your question.

Given the recent situation, I think I'd have let her do what she wanted to (she's probably missed out on so much so I'd have been led by her). Although of course very frustrating when you had something so lovely planned.

PS: I'm not a stalker but after reading a prior thread I read up on the condition as I'd never heard of it and I just had a feeling you were the same poster. I'm glad your DD seems to be on the mend.