Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

I agree with this.

I bet the MiL is no older than I am (early 60s) and I'd never do this crap to my DS and his gf! I mean, how pitiful and ridiculous is it to say no to the perfectly acceptable alternatives offered by OP, her DH, and her SiL, and insist on making your ill adult DS, who has his own family responsibilities, take you fucking food shopping in supermarkets for the whole of Christmas Eve morning?

I'd be too embarrassed to insist on something that self-absorbed if my adult DS didn't want to do it and needed to be guilted into it.

And that will stay the same when I'm older than now. I know how to use a laptop for orders & deliveries, taxis, cars ... I don't substitute that with mithering my adult DC. We are all ill at the moment, and I'm managing as best I can without forcing an ill person to drive.

She’s 66 and acting as though she’s 90. If I were your husband I’d tell her she can add her stuff to your shop or pay for a taxi.

He doesn’t want to do it, though. I agree OP has a husband problem — he should stand up to his mother and tell her the truth — but its not very kind of MIL to block every alternative then dump an unwanted task on her son.

It's really up to your DH to decide whether he does this or not. I get that she seems extremely inflexible, and I wouldn't dream of taking my children away from their family on Christmas Eve to do something as hellish as food shopping. It would be different if she was wanting to get together to do something nice like lunch out or a show or something. But working families are so busy these days, they have to fit in their food shopping in the evenings and whenever they can, and the whole thing can be exhausting and stressful at Christmas. Why on earth would someone want to put one of their family through that if they didn't have to?

So while I think she's actually being unreasonable and should be thinking of her busy family more, I think it's your DH's situation to solve and not yours.

Are you seeing her on Christmas Day?

I don't think you're unreasonable at all.

If your DH wanted to take her then yes, you can't stop him but he shouldn't feel he has to. She is unreasonable to expect it.

Your kids are only kids for a short time, you should be able to spend the time all together.

I really hope he brings her. She is his mam, she wants to pick her own foods for her Christmas dinner. it's Christmas, show some bloody kindness. Mortified for you.

You have a DH problem not a MIL problem.

@Bookitonlinenextyear are you quite sure he doesn't want to do it? Or could he be saying that because he knows you're angry with him/MIL and resentful of this arrangement?

Because if he actually does want to do it (which is fair enough - it's his mum and it's nice to look after her a bit at Christmas time), but also wants to be at home with you and the children on Christmas Eve, then I do think the solution is to move it to the 23rd.

That way MIL gets to have the time with her son, and you all get to have Christmas Eve together as a family without extra stress and hassle.

Bloody hell, not exactly elderly and infirm!

I don't understand why you're getting all this grief OP - I'd be very pissed off too.

Luckily I have a very independent and unselfish MIL who wouldn't dream of commanding her ds's whole day on Christmas Eve. She sounds like a monumental pain in the arse.

But ultimately you have a dh problem, it's up to him to tell his DM "no".

YANBU. A few things here for me:

1. It’s tentative at the moment whether DH will truly be feeling well enough anyway - makes more sense for MIL to make other arrangements;

2. Does MIL really want to catch whatever bug you’ve all had?;

3. Alternatives have been offered/suggested but MIL is choosing to say no;

4. Sounds like DH does this every year. 1 year off is not unreasonable. SIL sounds willing to take MIL but after work understandably. MIL is being stubborn.

5. If your children have been unwell too it’s been a rubbish start to the Christmas hols. Understandably if you are all feeling up to it on Christmas Eve you’d want to spend the time doing something you’d enjoy.

6. If the shopping trip was just a case of get in, get what you want and get out that’s one thing. MIL stopping and talking to everyone aka dawdling is another.

7. DH is not really spending quality time with MIL doing this. He’s being a chauffeur/personal assistant. Food shopping on Christmas Eve is not a pleasurable experience.

Where’s the kindness shown by MIL to her ill son and his family, when he’s tried repeatedly to find ways not to do this hellish chore that she’s foisted on him three years in a row?

Not everyone has Maria Von Trapp as a mother, you know.

She's only 66? She seemed much older from the way you describe her.
Why does she need help? Is she unwell?

Would she agree to go at 8am before the shops get too busy and sell out of food things? If so I'd be ok with DH taking MiL shopping. I'd be less empathetic if she wanted to set off at 12 or 1pm when the shops are rammed.

Doesn't he? I'm not convinced the 'do it online' is his idea.

You're right about him being the problem though, as him being in the fence is why this is an issue. He either needs to say a firm no to his mom, or make it clear to his wife this is something he will be doing, so there are no grey areas.

She is 66, this has been happening for the last 3 years, so since she was 63.

Why doesnt she drive herself, does she have any disabilities that mean shopping is a struggle? How does she manage her shopping for the rest of the year?

It does sound like she just wants everything her own way and wont compromise..wont come to yours to see dc, wont shop on 23rd, wont put some stuff on your online shop so there are just a few things to pick up herself on 24th, wont wait until the afternoon on 24th to go shopping with SIL…isnt concerned about DH and family all being v ill and dragging him out to the shops, wasnt concerned about dragging DH out to the shops when OP had a 6 day old baby

is she like this over other things, its sounds a bit like a straw that broke the camels back

OP. Reading between the lines a bit, I think you should stand your ground and help DH find his way out of the FOG.

Just imagining life in which my husband ‘forbade’ me from spending time with my mum over the festive period …

I think the majority of people would (rightfully) see that as a significant red flag.

BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T WANT TO DO ONLINE. It’s not just about the items. It’s the whole process of getting them, wandering about having a look.
For you shopping may just be a case of click click click pay, but for many older people it’s a huge part of their week and i deed their Christmas.
You are being selfish. Let her have an hour in the shops and spend time with her son.

Old woman?? She's 66

Her son is a person, not an accessory. He doesn’t want to go.

I thought there was a back story where you felt in competition. The thing is, your DH clearly loves his mum. The best way to handle this is to be reasonable and accommodating with in certain boundaries. Putting your foot down will just cause resentment, at the end of the day it’s your DH’s mother and if they want to do this as a thing together then it should be ok.

if you had pre booked an expensive trip then that would be different. Or if you were seeing her on Christmas Day I’d get it. But this is time your DH spends with his side of the family. As long as it’s only a few hours I’d suck it up and have a nice lazy morning with the kids. You can plan something nice for the afternoon.

She became incredibly needy when I met dh, she begged him not to move out and when he did she was always having ‘migraines’ and ‘attacks’ and ‘feeling faint’ just constantly. I get that she’s lonely (FIL died in 2020) but she makes it clear that she thinks I took dh away from her

You start to do things with DC and he can join in when he gets back. She is his Mum not a random stranger he's helping. When you get old you might want your DC to help you but how would you feel if their partners said no?

You've said it takes all of Christmas morning. So that leaves all afternoon and evening on Christmas Eve and all Christmas day for your DH to be with you. It seems very mean of you to try to put and end to her tradition.

Are you not part of a community locally? For many people, doing the last Christmas shop and chatting as they meet neighbours is a festive outing. They meet acquaintances they probably wouldn't see at Christmas otherwise. Getting the actual groceries is only a small part of it.

I also hate anybody else picking out my vegetables.

@Bookitonlinenextyear I don't think YABU, but your DH needs to say no to her. He doesn't want to do it, she's hostile to you (his wife) and she's being extremely inflexible. All valid reasons not to do it but your DH needs to tell her and be firm that he is willing to take her tomorrow (if he is) but that's all he can do as you have plans. If she says no then she's had the option and will need to get herself there and back or wait for SIL. If you do tell her, it will only add to the hostility.

She's not old though. She's 66!
I think your DH needs to man up and tell her he can take on the 23rd but not Christmas Eve.