Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

I don’t blame you OP. She sounds like she’s being awkward on purpose, and she’s not old she’s 66. I felt you were being mean as I thought this was a 90 year old until I read she’s 66 and that she’s commented you e taken her son away. She’s not elderly. She’s capable,she has options to go later or on 23rd, she’s being awkward and being funny. Everyone saying you’re being controlling - pot kettle black at the MIL!!!

Aye that's fair enough, but your MIL is also your husband's family and he has obligations to her too.

It's only a morning. Most of us do our Christmassy stuff later in the day. Plus they get all of Christmas Day to themselves as a family.

I've never come across anyone who thinks different to me! All my friends are 60s and 70s and whilst they throw a fantastic Christmas spread, we all moan together about what a chore going to the supermarket is.

I have one more small shop tomorrow, dreading it.

Many posters have encouraged the OP to show Christmas spirit and empathy, but each time the OP has responded with a variation of "I just want my DH at home all day on Xmas Eve this year." I think the extent to which OP resents her DH spending the morning with his mum is controlling. But what can you do, OP asked for advice but isn't budging one bit, so that's that. And MIL will be packed off to Australia for next year! 🤣

Some people are just like that.

It's not really normal for someone of 56 to not be able to take a train alone if it's not a physical disability. Unless it's a mental health issue such as severe anxiety. Or they've had a stroke or brain injury.

OP mentions none of these things so we can only assume she's playing the helpless old lady card, when actually she doesn't really sound that at all.

As many posters have already said, it’s a decision your dh needs to make. On his own. Sounds like he’s piggy in the middle being pulled one way and the other, and is being controlled by both you and his mum. If i was him, next year I’d take myself off on Xmas eve to do something for himself instead of being ordered around around like a child.

She's 66, not 96!

Guess your family is different to mine then ( and all my friends families).

You'd spite your children who wanted to spend Christmas Eve with you just to avoid saying no to your own mother?

And presumably DH won’t have a say in that either…..

She has huge anxiety about these things. She is hugely capable and does a lot on her own but I was just trying to compare her and my MIL who are near 15 years apart.

Again, trying to say the age isn't really relevant to everyone saying 66 is capable to go shopping alone.

Apparently 55% of over 65 year olds online grocery shop

And I understand that, but she wants him from 10am until about 2pm, which means the family can't really do anything as a family (and she doesn't want to join in with the family, she wants to have her son all to herself l, on Christmas Eve.

Fair enough if she wants to join in stuff, or if she wants to have some time alone with him at some other point, but she's being stubbornly awkward that it must be for shopping, that it must be in Christmas Eve and that it must take up the 10-2 slot!

Ridiculous.

Yeah, whether she wants to go or not!!!

I did a lot of things for my mother when at times it did get on my nerves, but boy am I glad looking back that I jut rolled my eyes behind her back and got on with it. I admired my DH for supporting his late mum too. I think it's a lovely quality in a person, loyalty.

The number of posters who seem to think a man should abandon their mother when they get married is astonishing.

We don't know that. I've read all the OPs posts and she hasn't said that.

Why is it awful to refuse 'this courtesy' on Christmas Eve, but offer the day before and be refused by his mother. I think that is what is awful.

I would not dream of being so demanding of my adult DCs/their partners time. It's selfish.

Which leaves 45% who don't!

I work with one or two women in their early 60s who never shop online for anything!! They won't even try, and they struggle with tech in work too. Personally I shop for everything online!

If you were the OP''s MIL you would have been invited on Christmas Day, like most MILs are to their adult children's houses. You also would have refused because you think the grandchildren are too noisy and you want to do it your own way. Are you planning on being that difficult when you become a grandparent?

I think he's being unfair there.

He said he didn't want to do it, but was being guilted into it.

He needs to own his own feelings and tell his mum he doesn't want to do it because he wants to spend the day with his young children.

It sounds like he's planning to blame it on you with his mum.

And I would not dream of preventing my DH to take his mother to do her Christmas grocery shopping at a time of her choosing.

If I was DH I think I would just bugger off somewhere alone too!

This is up to DH and MIL to discuss.

If it were me I would be a little pissed off but I would say to DH it's up to him but to try and plan it so he isn't gone all day.

Nice thing to do regardless of MIL BEING 22 OR 91 but the fact here is imo OP should stay out of it.

Not trying to sound harsh but it sounds like DH is just getting ear bashings from everyone and needs to have a backbone and say this is what I want to fucking do and that's that.

The man has his own family and children. They are his priority. His mother can pick any other day, she was offered other options and doesn't want, she insists on one thing she clearly sees nobody else enjoys but her.
What kind of tradition is one which only one sides enjoy but everyone else really doesn't like?

His mother is your family.

It's just the morning. Op has Christmas eve afternoon and evening with him. It's also a good example to set to the children, seeing their dad help his mum.