Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

This woman doesn't want to do that. Why can't a son facilitate his mother? It's only a few hours - the family has the rest of the day and Christmas Day!

I understand your frustration with having part of Christmas Eve commandeered every year without your input. But remember. you'll have your DH for Christmas Eve afternoon and evening, and all of Xmas Day. It sounds like the shopping is some time she gets over Christmas just to do something with her DS. Surely you'd like the same, if you were widowed? I think this is a bite-your-tongue one, and don't have a go at him if he gets home an hour later than you think he should! If I were her, I'd be trying to have a coffee with him in the cafe, too, before we start. Quality time. He's her child, she's widowed, and it's Christmas.

I'm a similar age to you, with a mum in her 70s and MIL in her late 60s and none of that rings true...

Can't he take her in the morning so he's back for noon?

@thepariscrimefiles and most of that info wasn't in the OP, it was drip fed when she realised people were sympathetic to her MIL

I haven’t read the whole thread but from what I have, I am with you OP. MIL is only 66 and as far as I can tell has no health issues!

For context, my DM is 87 years old and online shops.

MIL hasn't behaved well as far as early days and the OP marrying her son.

Not interested in children?? It's not any old children, it's her grandchildren. Her loss is all I can say

No - she's not disabled. Just less mobile and confident than others her age.

Not to the complete exclusion of the woman who gave birth to you and reared you. Your mother is close family ffs!

I'm guessing this is MIL's tradition over the years and she wants to keep that up because that's what has always worked for her. It's only a few hours.

It's not young either. Plenty of people have health issues by that age. Some people do. But in my experience the reasonable ones don't want to be a burden to anyone as they know they are relatively young, and do their utmost to be independent. To do online shopping, use taxis etc. She doesn't need a carer by the sound of it. She just wants to take her son away from his wife and children on Christmas Eve.

But I get your point yes.

My point was the age isn't really relevant as some have health issues/anxiety/other issues at all sort of ages

I'm guessing this is MIL's tradition over the years

No, it's only been 3 years.

Well maybe she wants her Xmas Eve with her son. Why not include her in your Xmas to mitigate this.

Why does her tradition trump OP and her husband being able to create their own? The MIL could live another 20 years. OP's children will be grown up by then. Is this what Christmas Eve is going to be for the next 20 years? Everyone sitting waiting for Dad to come home from running round after his mother because she refuses to do it any way but hers?

She refuses to join them for Christmas Day.

Dows anyone else not just think DH needs to stand up and just tell his mother what he wants to do?!

If he is up for it that's great but if not can he not just say sorry I want to be with family.

I wgt the "feeling torn" but honestly... this is up to DH to sort imo

I don't think that's her reason for it. I think it's probably what she used to do with her late husband. The woman is on her own and it's Christmas - have a heart!

I'm 5 years younger and I'm not as mobile and confident as I used to be unfortunately. I do everything for myself though.

This lady has lost her husband which has probably dented her confidence a lot. She seems to make an 'occasion' of this outing.

Excuse typos*

All traditions have to start with the first year!

You misunderstand, i was replying to the poster saying you can't change someone's ways at that age, but that is not true, plenty of older people can change.

Oh well, I guess people are always going to be different. My experience of people round that generation is that they think like that. Obviously you’re different to them

Yes - since the death of her husband who presumably took her shopping on Christmas Eve up until then!!!

I think it's awful to refuse this courtesy to your bereaved mother.

The OP said He's offered to go earlier but she insists on being picked up at 10am.

The dh then has to go in and have a cup of tea before they set off. Then on returning he makes her lunch and puts her shopping away.

He has told the OP he is "dreading it" as it also involves driving for an hour there and back in Christmas eve traffic, and battling through the crowds in the shops.

His dm also likes to stop and talk to everyone and squeeze and check
each item of shopping. The OP has said he's gone most of the day as it's very time consuming, due to the MIL's military-operation like schedule. Oh, he's also had a cold/flu and isn't feeling well.

He's offered to take her on the 23rd but that's not good enough for the MIL. Ditto doing an online shop for her.

But the OP is the one who's controlling and selfish according to some batshit posters on here!

MIL is the selfish one. Why does she get to dictate how OP spends her Christmas Eve every year. She has been offered alternatives but still expects your husband to leave his wife and young child on Christmas Eve, for the 4th year in a row, to spend the day with her. Why does MIL get exactly what she wants but the OP is selfish to want to spend Christmas Eve with her family?
I don't care how it sounds, I would tell my husband not to go. He should prioritise his young child, not his mother, on Christmas Eve.

Some can, very many can't/won't.