Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

If the MIL wanted to start a 'nice tradition' with her family perhaps she could try actually spending time with her grandchildren on Christmas day, instead of not bothering to see them because they are too noisy?

Exactly. And let's not forget the son is spending Boxing Day with his Mother, and it could have been Christmas day too

You don't get to 'let' him.

She's part of his family and he's part of hers. As are you all. That time she spends with her son is important to then both and you may find that yourself too, one day.

If he feels ok to go and do it, he should go ahead.

This is what I’m sensing. It’s less about her actual age but the point in life she finds herself at with her own DH gone, one child the other side of the world and another whose marriage makes it difficult to see a place for herself occupying. I think her life does sound empty and depressing personally.

don’t get me wrong, I’d find her insufferable but I don’t think I’d cope much better with the OP either. There needs to be some effort from both the OP and MIL to find some way to actually be the family they are. My sympathies lie completely with the OP DH. He clearly loves both and is trying to give both what they’re demanding.

Yes you’re right my phrasing was really not great I acknowledge that .

So let me get this straight.

The Op is controlling bc she wants her dh to say no to taking his dm shopping as they have young children, they're ill, it's Christmas Eve which the MIL has commandeered for the last 3 years AND MOST IMPORTANTLY- the dh himself has said he doesn't want to do it but feels he has to?

BUT the MIL who:
Is insisting her ds take her shopping on Christmas Eve despite the fact he's been ill, has young children and a wife whom he would prefer to spend CE with, has been offered to go shopping on the 23rd instead of the 24th
Has been offered an online shop organised by the OP
Has had the offer to leave earlier so dh can be home earlier but insists on only leaving at 10am and then being taken home and made lunch and having her shopping put away for her
Has been invited on Christmas Day but declined with the very rude reason that she finds her dgc's too noisy
and has declined all efforts to find an alternative arrangement because she only wants to do what SHE wants to do with strict timings and conditions
Even insisted her ds partake in this palaver when he had a 6 day old baby
(Not to mention the fact she has been spectacularly rude to the op in the past and even on her wedding day nastily accused her of stealing her ds)

but THE OP...THE OP??? Is the one who's nasty and controlling?

Right then 🤣🤣🤣

Have you missed all of the posts about online shopping?

Time for a fact check. 66 is currently state retirement age. Most 66 year olds are not still working.

However, I am a mother and a MIL. I have a lot of sympathy with OP, largely because she told MIL they would not be able to do it this year, even before they all came down with cold/flu. Also it's not a good idea to go spreading germs in a busy overheated supermarket straight before Christmas.

You couldn’t make it up could you!

I'd be making sure it's a one way fucking ticket too.

ffs, a potato is a potato, whether it's been lovingly chosen from amongst its doughty fellows by a mother gently caressing it while thinking of her baby boy, before placing it carefully into the shopping basket he, as a big strong man is nobly carrying, with his other arm protectively tucked into her elbow to help her an ancient and haggard 66 year old, shuffle pathetically along, than by a spotty teenager zooming around the shop doing online picking.

if "cooking is love" then wouldn't it make more sense for the MIL to go shopping with the daughter she's actually going to be cooking for, rather than with the son who isn't going to eat any of the food she's buying, because, again, despite apparently being so sad and lonely she's rejected the offer of seeing her grandchildren either on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day itself...

nope she only wants her son to act as her chauffeur, not to actually spend any quality time with him or her family.

In any relationship where you “let” your partner do something, is abusive IMHO.

Who in their right mind would go supermarket shopping on Christmas eve if they didnt have to?

What’s wrong with picking them on the 23rd?

It was a bad choice of word I acknowledge that

Your post seems kind, but really isn't. There really isn't a kind way to tell the OP that as she never had a relationship with her own mum, she will never understand the pull of a bond between an adult child and their mum.

I can only refer you to excellent post from @BonfireToffeeto another poster saying the same insensitive thing to OP.

'Are you a qualified trauma therapist, or are you just making horrendously rude and patronising assumptions about the ability of looked-after children (and the adults they become) to understand and empathise with family bonds.'

Anyone who’s ever done it and knows the shops are usually empty. They’ll be mayhem tomorrow, hit peak madness about 5 and then be tumbleweed on Christmas Eve.

That's my reading of it too. I'm amazed at the responses. A woman in her 60s, who apparently doesn't want to spend Christmas with her DGC because they are too noisy is perfectly reasonable to insist that her son takes her shopping for hours every Christmas Eve at exactly the time she specifies, when he doesn't want to and has said so clearly in advance, and despite him having a young family, and the DW is the controlling one. How bizarre!

@Mrswhatsit40 it's by boat....

i don’t think she wants her ds to act as chauffeur but I do think ‘acts of service’ is her love language. Think of it as an act at Christmas that confirms that he cares for her. The OP is requesting similar…. Unfortunately they’ve both landed on the same date as the one of importance.

Not in my experience.

You used the word, "nasty" not me, but not "letting" her DH do something is absolutely controlling.

I imagine this is a ritual the MIL has been in the habit of for years. When FIL, her son took his role. My mother was pretty set in her habits and she died years before reaching 66.

She sees it as a social event. Her life sounds very lonely. She doesn't want to shop online. She wants to be out and about and meet people. She wants to choose her own produce. She wants to go in the morning so that things haven't run out. She doesn't want to change what has probably been the habit of a lifetime.

Maybe the DGCs are noisy. The DIL and DGCs won't visit her either because of the convenient cat allergy (take antihistimines!!)

Yes on the face of it, the MIL does appear unreasonable to anyone who adapts and improvises to the circumstances. This older widowed woman, likely many older people, doesn't want to do that and for the sake of a few hours on Christmas Eve morning I think the OP should suck it up.

Exactly.

OP, I don't understand why your DH gets to spend significant amounts of time with his mother WITHOUT HIS KIDS.

How does that happen? Christmas Eve? Boxing Day?

I honestly don't know many parents in this situation. Most of us are PARENTING OUR KIDS, if we're not working. If we see our families, the kids come.

If I see my parents, it is WITH MY KIDS except on the very rare occasion I've booked a babysitter or DH has them by himself because we're doing something child-unsuitable (I'm accompanying them to a medical appointment or stuff like that).

He needs to say to his mother, "Yes, I'll take you shopping, but the kids will be coming soon and then we're going to this place afterwards with them, because I'm not working, it's Christmas Eve and they're my responsibility because @Bookitonlinenextyear is under the weather."

She relies on him for a lot of things that take him away from his family. Has she recently retired? Could she pay for a gardener to do her garden?

It seems mad that your MIL is willing to risk catching whatever you all have, but whatever.
Why can't she get a taxi there and your husband pick her up when she's done? That way they can still unpack & have lunch but it's cut down by a couple of hours.