Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

Hard disagree.

Can see both sides. I think as this happens every year, it is up to your DH to manage it. Perhaps he can agree that he does 10am-1pm shopping with her and you get the rest of the day with him?

The OP is controlling his actions.

And so he should, if he's any kind of a decent son. That's what decent people do for their parents.

I am in my 70s and I have been widowed for four years. I don't have much sympathy for the MIL at all. I think she's very selfish and unless she has health issues that haven't been mentioned, she should be able to sort out her own shopping and put it away.
I don't understand how anyone would regard shoving a trolley round a rammed Tesco while suffering from a bad cold a "memory making" exercise. I would not be remembering it with fondness.
I loved my own Mum who died at the age of 97, I miss her and would like to be able to chat with her. I would not, however, "give anything" to be back pushing her wheelchair around a crowded supermarket while she hummed and aahed about her choices. It involved slow breathing and mindfulness techniques to stop myself from snapping at her.
Christmas is a nostalgic time and its difficult when you're bereaved but at 66 if the MIL is living a sad and empty life it's partly her own choice.
She sounds prematurely dependant and doesn't even enjoy playing with the grandchildren.
That said OP is wrong to tell her husband what to do, its up to him. She and the children can watch a film or do an activity without him if he chooses to go. Its only half a day and he will be with them for most of Christmas. Many people work on Christmas Eve anyway.
MIL is very selfish, Op is a bit selfish. Drop the rope OP, don't let anyone see that it bothers you. Your husband isn't a bone and you and your MIL aren't dogs.

Because OP and the kids are allergic to MIL's cats, and MIL is allergic to the noisy GC. Which is a huge shame, as they appear to only have only grandparent.

It amazes me that on MN men aren’t allowed to do anything for their mother or they are a mummy’s boy. There is no way the replies would be so scathing if it was the wife who was helping her mother on Christmas Eve.

I'm of that generation and nothing could be further from the truth. Love Christmas, hate food shopping especially at Christmas.

She wants to do it herself, nothing wrong with that.

with what? that being taken to asda by your son for a few hours on christmas eve will magically cure loneliness, but making the effort to spend time with your extended family over Christmas (and the year generally) won't?

Or with the view that at some point people have to take responsibility for their own happiness?

Or that more food will be available on the 24th than the 23rd?

Not really a very useful comment....

I was in & out of the shops in 20 mins as soon as they opened this morning because shopping at this time of year is a circle of hell. And in a couple of years time, at the OP's MIL's age I expect to be spending the largest part of my week at work and socialising with fellow shoppers is definitely not on my radar!

I'm 66 and I pay for a gardener. My adult children are busy with work and their families so why would I expect them to do things that I can organise and pay for?

She's not doing it fully by herself though is she?

Kids are really useful when shopping in busy stores, at least when they get to around 5/6 or so, as they can dodge through small gaps between people and make loud comments like "Mummy, that lady's been standing in front of the desserts for AGES and we only need to choose ONE".

I frequently send my older one into gaps I can't fit it to fetch "the green one" or "that big one there", if asking politely to get through hasn't worked. He has no compunction in ducking his way in and then I just say with faux sincerity "LittleCroc! Watch out for other people!"

You'd be doing both your DH and MIL a favour to send the kids with them.

Utter rubbish. I'm almost the same age and yes I make a good Christmas spread with home cooked food but definitely didn't ever do what you describe. My mother may have done.

The wife does get to decide that she doesn’t want to be left with the young children on her own when she is not feeling great.

I know people that age who wouldn't be capable of doing an online shop!!

I always shop online now because I hate supermarkets but it does have some drawbacks too. This woman wants to pick out her own goods, most likely selecting the most well-dated.

Go on the 23rd as has been offered then!

The wife would probably take the kids with her while her partner was enjoying some peace and quiet.

I don't know any women who regularly abandon their kids to spend time with their mothers.

Good for you. Maybe the OP's MIL can't afford that?

I agree with you @Bookitonlinenextyear . She's 66, not 86. She can do her own shopping and get a taxi.
Christmas should be about the family being together, not one partner trotting off to help someone who's making up excuses to waste other people's time. Your MIL should get life, especially as your DH doesn't really seem to enjoy it.

You are being mean and selfish ! It's his mum !
Some people would give anything to take their mum food shopping .
One day he won't be able to

And yours was "useful" why?

MIL isn't allergic to the noisy grandchildren. She just isn't interested in them and isn't bothered about building a relationship with them.

Saying 'they appear to only have one grandparent' sounds as though you don't really believe this. As MIL's DH has died and OP was a looked after child, she is the only grandparents these children have. It's a pity she isn't a better one.

They probably are noisy as they are small children and it comes with the territory. I would be willing to bet that she doesn't enjoy her son's attention being on the children rather than on her.

Is this something that your MIL did for her own mother on Christmas Eve? If not, she has no right to demand this of your DH.

I also wonder if MIL's manipulative selfish ways are one of the reasons that one of her children emigrated to Australia.

Who would enjoy it? Other than the MIL here!!

You don't know whether she has health issues either. MIL is family too. She lost her husband only 4 years ago. Grief affects people in different ways and Christmas can be very poignant for them.