Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

Still not a place i want to go to the day before christmas

except for the fact that people are weirdly "making up" their own scenarios in order to defend a random woman they've never met - don't you know that the DH actually DOES want to go shopping, he can't think of anything better, but he's so scared of OP he lied to her and told her he didn't? 🙄

I know. It's vile, isn't it. Followed by #BeKiiiiiind, i.e. #BeADoormat.

I'm a bit sad reading this - sounds like a lovely thing for a son to do - and if I wasn't well I would be happy to put a film on and leave them to it

That's not my experience, at all. Last year the staff in Waitrose were handing out chocolates to the queue and you couldn't even get onto the car park at Sainsburys. Both mid-morning on Christmas Eve.

I'll be going tomorrow, early evening. Experience has taught me that's the best time to go. I'll still have to traipse there at stupid o clock on CE morning because my Dad will want to panic buy milk.

Maybe it's regional.

She sounds like a nightmare trying to control him as an adult. She doesn’t need food does she let’s be honest. That’s just an excuse.

But your DH left you on New Year’s Eve with a baby 😳 He needs to stand up to her.
There is no reason why she can’t come to you. She clearly only wants to see him and only him. If she wanted to see him and his family she’d come to yours and see the kids too.

How on earth did she steal him? He sees a lot of her and does her garden and DIY.

Well yes I mean all men I know love a trip to the supermarket with their mother on the worst day of the year 🤣🤣

I'm amazed how many people on this thread think that mothers trump wives.

Blimey, talk about the season of goodwill. It’s his mum. She will be of a generation where Christmas food was a treat, to shop for it, was a treat. It part of the ritual, when food was fresher not stuffed full of preservatives and you wanted it as fresh as possible. I’m not that old and can remember picking up the ordered meat at the butchers, queuing up outside a shop at 7am with the line stretching up the street to get some stuff at the bakers etc. your mum thinks this in now something her and her son get to do - their Christmas ritual. If he goes first thing you have plenty of time after. I hope your future daughter/son in laws are a bit more understanding when you want to do something meaningful with your children at Christmas for a couple of hours.

BTW all the tea in China wouldn’t get me to do an online shop at Christmas. I think the “food shop” is a part of Christmas

YANBU.

Sorry you are getting jumped on. You are unwell/ recovering, and have young children. You have offered multiple compromises. This feels more about her claiming an important chunk of the holidays with your husband.

I'd say 'sorry, we are not free this year. We've been unwell and are behind sorting Christmas.'

OP I am 100% on your side here!! It sounds like you’ve tried to be very accommodating in helping her on the 23rd. Christmas Eve is sacred with little ones, you get so few in the grand scheme of things where they buy into the magic, it makes absolute sense to want to spend the day as a family. I would be so upset if my husband was away for half the day every Christmas Eve, and I had nice Christmas plans with the dc’s which he had to miss out on. If he wanted to then that would be another thing (I’d still be annoyed but I’d accept it) but it sounds like he does it under duress. Also, 66?? That’s still young by today’s standards! And elderly 80-something again I’d understand, but absolutely not in these circumstances! She goes on the 23rd with him or via taxi on the 24th! I’m stunned at how many people have jumped down your throat, I bet they wouldn’t be painting themselves to be so angelic if it was their fun Christmas Eve plans with their little ones being affected!

The MIL is only 66...

How much does he see her, usually? It could be a lovely thing that she really looks forward to. I feel sad to think my DS would have his wife tell him he couldn’t do this with me one day.

Your attitude is awful.

Oh, love, just let her have him for this one morning. Yes, this might all be a bit manipulative - she doesn't want to come to yours, she can't do any day but Christmas Eve, etc etc - but if it is, you throwing a fit about it is playing right into her hands and she's clearly better at it than you, as she will tell everyone how awful you are. If it is manipulative, then refusing to fight about it neutralises her. And if it isn't, it's just a mum wanting her son to take her shopping, then YABU to stop them for no other reason than you don't want him to. I know you don't have a wider family, but he does, and that means you will always have to share. Step out of it, let them sort it out themselves.

So she’s about 20 years older than me and most of those things ring true about my childhood Christmas

In my experience, Christmas Eve morning is always busy - I see the queues of cars waiting to get in, and nothing would induce me to join them! It tends to die down in the afternoon. I sometimes nip over to M&S later on.

I don’t think YABU or controlling OP. Your DH needs to stand up and say no, she had a lot of options and also she is only 66. She can go to the shop alone or prearrange an earlier date.

Sounds like MIL is the controlling one.

Fair play to you OP for sticking around and engaging.

I don't know WTAF is so "fun" about Christmas Eve - other than getting the littlies to bed waiting for Santa!!

I had mixed feelings about this until I saw she’s only bloody 66!!!! I was picturing a little old lady who couldn’t fathom online shopping.

Do you think she’s being rigid and stuck in her ways or do you think it’s more that she wants to spend that time with her son? I imagine she likes having that 1:1 time with him on Xmas eve.

In my opinion you are definitely not being unreasonable

I voted YANBU but you are unreasonable not to allow him to take her shopping at all. They could go on Monday evening. YABU to remove the experience all together as it means something to your MIL but she needs to compromise and your desire to have a family day on Christmas eve should be included in the plans.

It's not much of a social event if half the attendees don't want to be there!

If she wants to go at a time when things haven't run out she could go today, or on the 23rd. As has been offered.

The DGC probably are noisy, most small children are! That doesn't mean most grandparents just don't bother to see them! Let me get this right....you'd rather toddlers take medication they don't need so they can be trundled round to the house of a woman who finds them annoying and can't be arsed to come and see them even if her DS picks her up and takes her home?

A few hours shopping on Christmas Eve with someone who has been guilty tripped into coming isn't going to alleviate long-term loneliness. Having a good relationship with your family, i.e. not actively insulting your DIL and making the effort to occasionally see your GC, might. It's been more than 4 years since the FIL passed away. If the MIL doesn't want to adapt to her circumstances she could end up living miserably for another 30 years. That's on her, not her DS.

On this occasion.

I think it's praiseworthy to see a son who is considerate of his mother. The OP will also reap the benefits of his respectful nature.