Not to let dh take MIL food shopping on Xmas eve

[Bookitonlinenextyear]

Every year we prompt MIL about what a good idea it would be to book an online delivery. Every year she says ‘oh no - I like to pick my own fresh things the day before!’
Every year she then asks dh to take her. It takes AGES because she wants to look at everything and chat to everyone. It takes Dh away from me and the dc on Xmas eve and I find it irritating.

This year it’s been no different we told her please book an online delivery as we have plans this year we can’t take you shopping. She didn’t.
We offered to add anything she needed to our delivery due on 23rd. Not good enough, she as usual wants to pick her own things.

We have all come down with an awful cold/flu and she’s called dh to try to arrange to
go food shopping on Tuesday !!!! He is saying he feels he has to I’ve told him categorically no. That he can’t as if we aren’t all better I just want to rest and if we are all better I want to do something with the dc. She can get a taxi. AIBU to put my foot down ?

even better if you're feeling ill!
OP must be stupid to believe him when he said he was "dreading" it, silly woman, she should have listened to the random MNers who know him much better than her, despite never having met him....

A son helps her elderly mother shop on Christmas Eve. He really seems like an awful, awful person, right?

You get him 365 days a year. Why can’t you let his mum have his company and a tradition she seems to enjoy?

She won’t be around forever. When someone you love gets old, maybe you’ll understand. Giving your time to others is a form of love.

Online groceries are convenient but you aren’t going to change the ways of someone at 60+. It’s not about getting the groceries, it’s about your son taking you shopping on Christmas Eve. It really is as simple as that.

Is she not "family". You are the reason i'm dreading having a DIL.

I'm sorry but he needs to put his foot down. He can tell his mom he can go with her in the 23rd or He can go early on Christmas eve, as He has plans with you and dc. He has then given her 2 choices let her pick one. If neither suits then that's on her. But this has to come from your husband and be his choice not because you demand it.

Why are you correcting my use of "appears"? It "appears" from the information given on this thread that she is the only grandparent. The OP I believe said she doesn't have a relationship with her mother but I don't recall any mention of her father? So "appears" is actually correct!

Some older people do struggle with noisy children. Maybe these kids are particularly badly behaved and don't get disciplined?

I haven't seen anything here to suggest that she is competing for attention with the GC.

ETA - you clearly missed the irony of my "allergic" comment!!

All our parents are dead now but when they were alive we were both quite relaxed about helping them out and putting up with their 'little ways so I would probably have just rolled my eyes and accepted that DH would be out for a few hours shopping.
If one of us really strongly objected for a good reason the other one would probably listen but on balance I don't think that doing a theoretical, unplanned and unbooked 'something else' with DC the day before Christmas is a particularly good reason.

That being said, the first time my DH says he won't 'let' me do something is the time I will do that thing twice and then repeat ad infinitum.

Your DH is a grown adult as is his mother, it's not down to you to 'let' them do anything. If she wants to go shopping on Christmas eve and her son is happy to facilitate it that's down to them 🤷‍♀️

She’s 66 - it’s hardly elderly.

It’s also not like she’s wanting to do something lovely with her son - it’s super busy supermarket shopping on Christmas Eve.

Maybe she just wants to do it?
we are our parents families.

Let him model this behaviour, your children will keep that in mind when their wives and husbands are moaning about exclusively nuclear family time every single year from being married the whole of the holidays.

You reap what you sow.

Annoying I know but think of the big picture

Don’t be so spiteful, it’s a few hours out of the day.
i think you’re being very mean indeed.

MIL can choose any other time - why a day where the OP planned a day together? Especially as MIL doesn't really enjoy OP and their children. If, as OP says, her son doesn't enjoy that particular activity, then this is a chore that is more of a must rather than an enjoyable time between mother and son. Christmas should be about the closest family. Partner and children come first.

Here we go, when the OP doesnt get the responses on her side, the stories come out.

because it consisted of full sentences and a clearly expressed opinion that contributed to the discussion, which is, you know, the specific point of a chat forum?

a "conversation" consisting of each party just saying 2 words wouldn't be much of a discussion, would it?

OP "AIBU"
1: you are
2: hard disagree
3: NO
1: Yes
4: I agree

Riveting stuff...

It was quite a long post, if you're going to say you disagree at least specify what you're disagreeing with, even if you cba to say why.

Pretend he’s at work like many others on Christmas Eve. What would she do then? She just needs to stop making life difficult.

Wow this got hectic!

I think the age is irrelevant here. Weather you can do it alone or not is not really the point is it? My mum is 56 and will do her own shopping Xmas eve but won't and isn't able to get one train alone - she is less mobile and independent than my MIL who is 72 and flys abroad 5 times a year ( lives there) alone. Age is relevant to the person. I know tech savvy 70 year olds and then my mum who has JUST grasped WhatsApp.

The point is MIL asked DH to take her shopping Xmas eve.

I think DH needs to decide this and tell his mum either way.

It would be a nice thing to do but also if DH doesn't want to that's also OK.

I think you are being unreasonable even getting involved OP. Let DH decide.

The more I think about this thread the more I feel upset for OP. She has grown up in the care system, i'm sure her own Christmases as a youngster will have been difficult. Now she has her own family she wants to be able to make it a special family time. And yet here is her manipulative mother in law causing ructions by refusing to compromise on the way SHE has decided things are to happen.

It's not even as if she's not invited to OP's house on Christmas Day. She has refused to come. Says the children are too noisy etc. I mean, come ON!. She is a selfish excuse for a grandmother, mother and mother-in-law and I'm embarrassed that so many people are saying that OP is the unreasonable one!

Some older people do struggle with noisy children. Maybe these kids are particularly badly behaved and don't get disciplined?

That's a bit of a reach! And they are her grandchildren after all. I wouldn't miss christmas day with GC for anything if I'm invited like the MIL has been more than once. It's not as if she spends christmas day with older GC or anything. She chooses to avoid her GC.

It's not young either. Plenty of people have health issues by that age.

Yep, I agree
Also if he were working on Xmas Eve like so many parents who would spend half their day supporting her to buy sprouts etc

I know several elderly people who switched over to online shopping, it's improved their lives

The OP said this very quickly on her thread, within 20 minutes of her first post. And the majority of posters agree with her.

I think it's a real possibility.

Maybe she just isn't interested in children? Or maybe the OP makes her feel uncomfortable because she clearly resents her DH spending time with his mother?

Your mother sounds like she is actually disabled in some way, if she's only 56. So that is totally different to the OP's MIL, as OP doesn't mention any disabilities. It sounds like OP's MIL is seeing herself as elderly and incapable and the matriarch of the family whose needs must come first.

@LindtCurves

i agreed with most of your post but I have to take issue with saying you can't expect somebody 60+ to change their ways.

I'm mid 60s now and I have changed so much over the last few years. I'm so much freer and more relaxed. When I was younger I tended to be quite controlling - it was very much my way or the highway. As I've aged I've realised how often I was wrong in the past and am much more flexible and open to suggestion.

This was brought home to me earlier. My adult DD is home for Christmas and while I was out she took in the online Christmas grocery shop and packed it away in various fridges. She arranged it completely differently to the way I've been doing it for the last 20 years and it is SO much better than my old way! Neater, more organised, more accessible. It was a revelation. I hope for lots more of these revelations as I age.

Unless there's a specific thing can only be done on Christmas eve with the DC, you're being mean.