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Original poster

DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

639 replies

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 09:17

My ds 25 and dd 16 dad died yesterday, he's my exh. His diagnosis was 6 weeks ago and he went downhill rapidly. My DP of 7years had been doing lifts to and from hospital as he's the only one that drives out of us all.
My dd lives with me and ds lived with his dad.
My dp was already in a mood with me yesterday morning and then last minute through in that we needed to get my dd to the hospital ASAP before her DF died as she really wanted to say goodbye to him and he had only a couple of hours left if that.
My dp didn't want to take her said she shouldn't be there to see him die it will scar her for life, It resulted in her crying and shouting 'I need to see my dad to say goodbye' and he said to her he shouldn't have to be dictated to by a little girl.
He relented, complained on the way to hospital that he's just a taxi driver for everyone and he doesn't have to be doing this ect..... He dropped us at the hospital....30min drive and told us to find our own way home.

I'm I being unreasonable to think that if he was annoyed/angry he should have just kept his mouth shut and sucked it up for one more day, as he made the whole thing so much more traumatic for my daughter.

I kept saying to him, this is not the time for you to be venting at us now can you please stop.

I can't speak to him or see him right now, I'm so angry with him. He doesn't live with us BTW.

OP posts:
BelgianBeers · 22/12/2024 09:40

I Wouldn’t have any interest in this man. Either he is a lacks empathy to a startling degree and will make anything about anyone else ultimately about him or he is incapable of calmly discussing and planning ordinary life issues. If bait g the driving he could have said weeks ago when or how many he would be available for and you could have sorted the rest. A taxi for a final emergency visit to a dying parent is a last resort lift - I would take any random person. Most decent people would. His response is so lacking in kindness and capability I would not be seeing him again.

Original poster
Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 09:40

YouMeandBrie · 22/12/2024 09:27

Bin him and book yourself some driving lessons. He’s not a kind person and has made a very upsetting situation all about himself with no consideration for what your poor dc are going through. Never give someone like that any element of control / power over you because they will abuse it as and when they feel like it.

My driving test is already booked in for next month 🙂

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 22/12/2024 09:40

I wonder if he has some subconscious jealousy at play. I think it’s quite common at these sorts of timings and might be part of his reaction.

ChaosHol1 · 22/12/2024 09:40

LadyQuackBeth · 22/12/2024 09:38

He sounds pretty awful but you don't sound great either, it doesn't have to be either/or.

He clearly didn't want to be right in the middle of it all and you pushed and pushed rather than calling a taxi. If your DD treats him like the default lift giver at all times, that's also on you, especially as he isn't even living with you.

He told you he wanted no part in what he thought was a bad idea, you pushing it contributed to making a bad situation worse for everyone. A taxi would have got you there without the stress and baggage.

Where has the op said they don't live together? Why are people saying that.

Winter2020 · 22/12/2024 09:41

Everyone falling over themselves to drive people to hospital to visit dying relatives (including strangers and neighbours you have stated) I hope you volunteer as hospital transport?

No matter if you have work or your own plans and the expectation goes on for 6 weeks- you would do it for anyone remember.

As if you would.

Magnastorm · 22/12/2024 09:41

Meadowfinch · 22/12/2024 09:31

He was being unreasonable given the circumstances, but why are you all relying on him? Two grown adults and a 16yo should be able to organise travel by themselves.

Why don't you or your son drive? What are you doing to put that right? Why couldn't you get a cab?

Maybe your dp doesn't like hospitals- who does! Maybe there was somewhere else he wanted to be. How many times had he already had to run you back and forth? You don't live together so you aren't a family unit.

If you rely on him all the time, I can easily see why he is fed up.

Why op and dd needed a lift is completely irrelevant.

Decent people put trivial annoyances beside in such circumstances. This man has doubtless destroyed any relationship he may have had with the poor girl.

Bin the fucker. He deserves to be alone and miserable.

DeepRoseFish · 22/12/2024 09:41

Please don’t stay with this man.

poemsandwine · 22/12/2024 09:41

LadyQuackBeth · 22/12/2024 09:38

He sounds pretty awful but you don't sound great either, it doesn't have to be either/or.

He clearly didn't want to be right in the middle of it all and you pushed and pushed rather than calling a taxi. If your DD treats him like the default lift giver at all times, that's also on you, especially as he isn't even living with you.

He told you he wanted no part in what he thought was a bad idea, you pushing it contributed to making a bad situation worse for everyone. A taxi would have got you there without the stress and baggage.

Agree. The relationship is over, though, I would think.

bozzabollix · 22/12/2024 09:41

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 09:26

This is clearly how he feels, so part of me feels bad for him. But I am taking my driving test next month so hopfully I'll pass and he won't be put upon anymore and I can return the favours when he needs to go places. Just at the moment I'm reliant on him.

Show quote history

Hopefully you’ll pass, but also hopefully you’ll think about how awful he’s been to your poor daughter at her worst time and dump him rather than paying him back lifts.

If he was taking her to the supermarket by all means whinge, to her dying Dad - suck it up uncomplainingly. Anything else is unforgivable.

Mozzarellaballs · 22/12/2024 09:42

MiddleClassProblem · 22/12/2024 09:40

I wonder if he has some subconscious jealousy at play. I think it’s quite common at these sorts of timings and might be part of his reaction.

I thought this too!

DollopOfFun · 22/12/2024 09:42

ChaosHol1 · 22/12/2024 09:40

Where has the op said they don't live together? Why are people saying that.

Show quote history

Because they've read the OP? Last sentence.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 22/12/2024 09:43

I know it’s been tough for you all but he was cruel and it was uncalled for . He would be my ex now .

DurhamDurham · 22/12/2024 09:43

The death of her father will always be connected with the awful way your partner treated her so the relationship between them is irreparable. It's whether you can (or want to) find a way forward with him.

He definitely has a point about being the only driver but that was absolutely not the time to bring it up.

My boss was unsupportive to me when my brother died suddenly and I cannot think of his death without thinking of the way she treated me, the two things will always be connected. I hate that and despite therapy cannot stop looking them together in my head.

DazedAndConfused321 · 22/12/2024 09:44

Leave him. You will lose your daughter if you stick by this awful cruel man

Winter2020 · 22/12/2024 09:44

ChaosHol1 · 22/12/2024 09:40

Where has the op said they don't live together? Why are people saying that.

Show quote history

Last line of the OP

"I can't speak to him or see him right now, I'm so angry with him. He doesn't live with us BTW."

nonkynink · 22/12/2024 09:44

Absolutely unforgivable behaviour. Your dd was literally about to lose her dad and he used it as an opportunity to exert his power and make a point. He is a pathetic man child, probably jealous of a dying man and I don't see how you or your daughter will ever be able to look at him the same way again.

AngelinaFibres · 22/12/2024 09:45

Get rid of him.
Good luck with your test next month.
Your son needs to drive. Not knowing how to drive at 25 is very limiting.

olympicsrock · 22/12/2024 09:46

So what are you going to do about it OP?

nonkynink · 22/12/2024 09:47

LadyQuackBeth · 22/12/2024 09:38

He sounds pretty awful but you don't sound great either, it doesn't have to be either/or.

He clearly didn't want to be right in the middle of it all and you pushed and pushed rather than calling a taxi. If your DD treats him like the default lift giver at all times, that's also on you, especially as he isn't even living with you.

He told you he wanted no part in what he thought was a bad idea, you pushing it contributed to making a bad situation worse for everyone. A taxi would have got you there without the stress and baggage.

Maybe she couldn't afford a taxi? An hour taxi ride would not be cheap.
It didn't matter what his opinions on it were, it was the dd choice to say goodbye to her father. He made a horrible situation much more traumatic.
Classic victim blaming once again on MN.

Cherrysoup · 22/12/2024 09:48

Big drip feed re your dd being anxious about getting into a car with strangers-even if you were there too? I don’t see how she will get over him doing this, although he sounds fed up. It’s not really fair to have been relying on him to chauffeur her back and forth.

Wolfiefan · 22/12/2024 09:48

He chose a shitty time to make a stand nut he doesn’t live with you and you’re expecting him to act as a taxi for weeks on end. He kind of has a point.

Balancedcitizen101 · 22/12/2024 09:48

Venting at that time is a bad idea. It might be a chore but that is not the time to rage about it. It's not for him to decide what might scar who for life. Your daughter's not 7, she's old enough to understand decisions and reality and death. I would want an apology off of him for DD anyway.

UpUpUpU · 22/12/2024 09:48

OP, this altercation with the vile man you call a partner is potentially going to cause your DD more harm than losing her dad. Can you possibly imagine how she feels knowing this man, who you brought into their lives, has such little respect and disregard for her on the day her dad was dying. Even more so, her mum will now not further protect her and will continue to be in a relationship?

If I were you I would be casting him aside and putting every ounce of myself into supporting my daughter and son.

IkeaJesusChrist · 22/12/2024 09:48

He's an absolute bastard, I'd be getting rid.

3peassuit · 22/12/2024 09:49

He may well be fed up of driving everyone around but this was not the time to display his irritation. Your poor daughter, I hope she can get past this.