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Original poster

DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

639 replies

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 09:17

My ds 25 and dd 16 dad died yesterday, he's my exh. His diagnosis was 6 weeks ago and he went downhill rapidly. My DP of 7years had been doing lifts to and from hospital as he's the only one that drives out of us all.
My dd lives with me and ds lived with his dad.
My dp was already in a mood with me yesterday morning and then last minute through in that we needed to get my dd to the hospital ASAP before her DF died as she really wanted to say goodbye to him and he had only a couple of hours left if that.
My dp didn't want to take her said she shouldn't be there to see him die it will scar her for life, It resulted in her crying and shouting 'I need to see my dad to say goodbye' and he said to her he shouldn't have to be dictated to by a little girl.
He relented, complained on the way to hospital that he's just a taxi driver for everyone and he doesn't have to be doing this ect..... He dropped us at the hospital....30min drive and told us to find our own way home.

I'm I being unreasonable to think that if he was annoyed/angry he should have just kept his mouth shut and sucked it up for one more day, as he made the whole thing so much more traumatic for my daughter.

I kept saying to him, this is not the time for you to be venting at us now can you please stop.

I can't speak to him or see him right now, I'm so angry with him. He doesn't live with us BTW.

OP posts:
CarrotsAndCheese · 22/12/2024 18:45

I never forgot the way people treated me when my Dad was terminally ill and especially how they treated me in the hours and days after he died. I will always remember those who were there for me in small or big ways. However, I was never able to forgive and forget those who let me down or said unkind things. It's a time of heightened emotions and how people react and support you, or not, in those circumstances really colour your view of them forever more I found.

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 22/12/2024 18:48

hiddeninplainsite · 22/12/2024 16:33

It wasn't his place, but we don't all react perfectly under pressure.

The OP was planning on marrying him. She's said her DD hates getting in cars with strangers (but is capable of getting a taxi as she's done this a few times) and suffers from anxiety. DD is happy for him to drive her around. He's driven her around loads, especially since her DF has been sick. All of this suggest that he's close to the girl and understands what her struggles are.

He didn't refuse to take her on the grounds he was fed up but that he didn't want to scar her for life.

It's entirely possible that based on the above and his own traumatic experience of watching a relative die, he was trying to act out of kindness, and was lashing out as no one was taking his opinion seriously, and he wanted to protect the girl.

I don't think it was his call. Given her age, I think it was DD's call. Ultimately, he took her because she insisted - not because the OP did.

But I'm not sure he should be written off as easily as some posters are suggesting.

People always say they want to be with a loved one when they die, but it's absolutely horrific to watch when they die from something they've been fighting for a while. Death doesn't always come quickly, even after The Call. It's messy and it's horrible, and it means your final memory of a loved one is them looking like a version of themselves that doesn't reflect your life with them. Witnessing the actual moment when they die is haunting.

I'm glad I was there and yet hate every part of that memory. It's complex. I can see why an adult would want to shield a child with poor mental health from that pain.

He could very well have been trying to kind. Why assume he was trying to be cruel?

As for being a grown up human - well, so am I. But I don't think I'll ever not feel scared for life. I'm crying writing this post, that's how strong those emotions still are, and I think will always be.

DD was always going to be devastated. Maybe DP was trying to make her a tiny bit less devastated but didn't handle it correctly.

Show quote history

That's not the way it comes across at all.

starlight889 · 22/12/2024 18:49

This would be an immediate break up and no contact for me.

If he feels like a taxi service, that’s fair enough. He is entitled to feel how he wants to feel. What he isn’t entitled to do is shout at you and especially your daughter. The poor girl just wanted to say goodbye to her dad. Having lost my dad at a young age (and never got to say goodbye), I feel for your daughter so much.

For me, there would be absolutely no coming back from someone treating any of my children like that.

I hope you’re all (you and your children) are doing as well as you can.

Dutch1e · 22/12/2024 18:49

Ohthatsabitshit · 22/12/2024 09:25

I’d drive a stranger off the street to say goodbye to their father.

Same. I'd do it for 6 weeks too, especially if the person was a youngster who needed to take a chauffeur for granted while their father was dying.

My god, what a selfish twat this guy is.

Donttellempike · 22/12/2024 18:49

ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 22/12/2024 09:27

Jesus Christ.

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This poster can always be relied on to post similar.

Lizzie67384 · 22/12/2024 18:50

Ohthatsabitshit · 22/12/2024 09:25

I’d drive a stranger off the street to say goodbye to their father.

Me too!

starlight889 · 22/12/2024 18:53

discocherry · 22/12/2024 09:28

No I am not being funny but you need to leave this man.

How could the right man for you POSSIBLY be someone who made your daughter cry (even more) on the morning of her father’s death, called her a “little girl” to her face in a derogatory way and then made you and her get back from the hospital alone after she has seen her dad for the last time?!

Fair enough it’s probably been annoying for him having to do all the driving but for fuck’s sake there’s no excuse. You genuinely cannot keep seeing this man. It would be such a betrayal for your daughter.

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God I would never forgive my mum if she stayed with someone who did this to me.

OP please leave this man.

Donttellempike · 22/12/2024 18:55

Edingril · 22/12/2024 09:19

He is you chauffeur not your partner, so maybe he has a point?

Typical response from you. Do you think you’re being clever?

Ilikemymenlikeilikemycoffee · 22/12/2024 18:56

Hmmm. Maybe he felt a bit used?

EmotionalSupportCuttlefish · 22/12/2024 18:58

VacuumPacked · 22/12/2024 17:59

@EmotionalSupportCuttlefish ESC this thread has now run out of steam as lengthy ones tend to do - your post sounds petulant considering none of my posts
are OTT and are exceedingly helpful.

I reported an extremely offensive post earlier which was removed and why
we have the facility, not so that posters with whom you do not agree can have
their remarks magically whisked away.

Show quote history

it's not because we disagree, it's because you are being so horribly unpleasant to everyone. The Op doesn't need it.

Eddielizzard · 22/12/2024 19:04

Wow what a completely shit thing to do to you and your DD on such an awful day. What a mean, miserable, selfish, self-absorbed reaction. And to leave you there alone to make your own way home when you were so recently bereaved. Just awful treatment of a child who is dealing with so so much.

You really want to make a life with a man this insensitive and selfish?

I think you and your DD deserve so much more. Take care, and so sorry.

CraverSpud · 22/12/2024 19:16

What a selfish asshole- Protect your daughter & tell him to f**k off

ttcat37 · 22/12/2024 19:30

What a fucking arsehole. He just made an already traumatic experience even worse. It was in his power to make this day, which you will all remember forever, much less horrendous. A decent partner would have rallied and been on call to take you all at any hour. You’ve said that you’ve got your driving test soon (great) but I actually think it’s irrelevant here. Any decent person would take over the driving in this situation, knowing that they’d be upset and it’s safer for them not to be behind the wheel.

toomuchfaff · 22/12/2024 19:57

Your daughter will never forget his actions at this painful time. She will never look at him the same.

Eskarina1 · 22/12/2024 20:04

I've struggled to rebuild my relationship with my mum for 7 years after she said/did something stupid the day my dad died. I was 37, a lot more mature and forgiving than 16.

Whatever his perspective might have been, he told your 16 year old he "would not be dictated to by a little girl", caused a stupid drama when she should have been focused on her dad and you should have been focused on her and he deliberately left her to do something that terrifies her immediately after saying goodbye to her dad. Very little would justify any of that. And very little would justify you accepting any of it.

BruFord · 22/12/2024 20:23

You’re wise to take a step back, OP.

@JustMyView13 makes an interesting point about him possibly being jealous of your ex and that’s also made me wonder about something you mentioned: I have been subjected to abuse from an early age on and off throughout my life.

Was your ex abusive towards you? Is your partner angry that you and your DD were visiting him despite his past behavior? Of course children still love their parents, regardless of their behavior.

I’m probably on the wrong track with this, but it could explain why he suddenly flared up after being supportive in the past.

Mamasperspective · 22/12/2024 20:23

Why didn't you just get a taxi? You said yourself that he's been doing all the trips backwards and forwards and you're getting annoyed at him for saying no. He's perfectly within his rights to decline but for you and your daughter to argue the point with him is super entitled. I appreciate it's for someone important to you and your daughter but it sounds like your DP had already been more than accommodating. You and your daughter should book some driving lessons.

Original poster
Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 20:32

To all the posters feeling sorry for him because he's fed up of being the driver. It's not completely a one way street, I do stuff for him also. We always say thank you for the lifts, just as he always thanks me for helping him out with stuff and cooking his meal most evenings.
Does he do more for me than I do for him? Yes he does! But I have more commitments than him with work and my daughter so I'm busier than he is

OP posts:
BruFord · 22/12/2024 20:38

@Ifinkyourefreaky Do you have any idea why he blew up like that then? Could it be connected with your ex? You said that he was already moaning (presumably about something unrelated) prior to the phone call.

itsgettingweird · 22/12/2024 20:39

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 18:37

Wow!!! I did not expect so many responses. I've tried hard to read them all and really appreciate the support and advice offered here. Some really good points, not sure about some of the hate comments towards my partner, some are a bit extreme! I really appreciate the ones seeing it from my partners perspective also, as there are 2 sides to every story, and his side seems to have been picked up on by quiet a few people and that helps me see things from his perspective.
I've a lot to think about and think I will take a step back from this relationship.
It doesn't really matter who's to blame, obviously something is not working.
Thank you everyone, much appreciated!

I hope you dd and ds can salvage a Christmas after this.

I know he was your ex but he gave you 2 wonderful children so you're allowed to grieve with them.

Flowers
Lavender14 · 22/12/2024 20:44

Sorry op but I think that would be the end of my relationship that he didn't WANT to support my dd in such a traumatic moment.

stichguru · 22/12/2024 20:45

Please make sure that your life is set up so that if your poor children never ever want to be in the same place as this horrible man again they never have to be.

Candy24 · 22/12/2024 21:01

Mamasperspective · 22/12/2024 20:23

Why didn't you just get a taxi? You said yourself that he's been doing all the trips backwards and forwards and you're getting annoyed at him for saying no. He's perfectly within his rights to decline but for you and your daughter to argue the point with him is super entitled. I appreciate it's for someone important to you and your daughter but it sounds like your DP had already been more than accommodating. You and your daughter should book some driving lessons.

WOW As if you would be ok with your partner saying no at that time. Some people on here forget real life.

Lotsofsnacks · 22/12/2024 21:26

Fair enough he was fed up of always driving everyone around, but the day your dd’s dad was dying, was not the day to kick up a fuss about this!! He should have just said of course with no drama. Poor girl had enough on her plate than to deal with his moody outburst. He really didn’t read the room did he?! Do you want to be with someone who moans and complains over a literal tragic death situation where he could help out the dd of the women he loves? !

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 22/12/2024 21:29

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 20:32

To all the posters feeling sorry for him because he's fed up of being the driver. It's not completely a one way street, I do stuff for him also. We always say thank you for the lifts, just as he always thanks me for helping him out with stuff and cooking his meal most evenings.
Does he do more for me than I do for him? Yes he does! But I have more commitments than him with work and my daughter so I'm busier than he is

What the posters who say that they feel for him because he's always the driver seem to forget (deliberately?) is that your daughter got to say goodbye to her father as he died once.

It wasn't normal circumstances. They were unique, and this was not the time to throw a dramatic wobbly. Not now.

I'm sorry for your daughter's loss @@Ifinkyourefreaky This will be a very difficult Christmas for her. The way your partner handled this whole thing has really made it worse. The poor girl struggles with her mental health, and for her to have to beg him to take her, feeling powerless against his appallingly timed tantrum, will not make this any better at all.

This was not the time.