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Original poster

DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

639 replies

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 09:17

My ds 25 and dd 16 dad died yesterday, he's my exh. His diagnosis was 6 weeks ago and he went downhill rapidly. My DP of 7years had been doing lifts to and from hospital as he's the only one that drives out of us all.
My dd lives with me and ds lived with his dad.
My dp was already in a mood with me yesterday morning and then last minute through in that we needed to get my dd to the hospital ASAP before her DF died as she really wanted to say goodbye to him and he had only a couple of hours left if that.
My dp didn't want to take her said she shouldn't be there to see him die it will scar her for life, It resulted in her crying and shouting 'I need to see my dad to say goodbye' and he said to her he shouldn't have to be dictated to by a little girl.
He relented, complained on the way to hospital that he's just a taxi driver for everyone and he doesn't have to be doing this ect..... He dropped us at the hospital....30min drive and told us to find our own way home.

I'm I being unreasonable to think that if he was annoyed/angry he should have just kept his mouth shut and sucked it up for one more day, as he made the whole thing so much more traumatic for my daughter.

I kept saying to him, this is not the time for you to be venting at us now can you please stop.

I can't speak to him or see him right now, I'm so angry with him. He doesn't live with us BTW.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 22/12/2024 09:34

Personally I couldn’t get past this. I couldn’t love someone who was so cruel.

Yesterday was not the day to be expressing any resentment. And no day was the day to speak to your daughter so cruelly.

Im sorry for your and especially your DC’s loss.

ChaosHol1 · 22/12/2024 09:34

All the treating him like a chauffeur comments, ffs. He's a member of their family supposedly. Family are supposed to support each other in whichever means is necessary when they are going through the hardest points of their life. He also doesn't get to determine and decide if it will affect a 16 year old to see their dad die. That was her decision solely. Who the hell would sit home and let their 16 year old stepdaughter who is upset and about to lose her dad, take a taxi to the hospital.

Eyresandgraces · 22/12/2024 09:34

Sorry for your loss op.
Give dp the petrol money and then tell him it’s over.

AnyoneSomeone · 22/12/2024 09:35

Winter2020 · 22/12/2024 09:32

You don't live with him - he is your boyfriend and it sounds like he has spent the last 6 weeks ferrying people to the hospital and back. I imagine yesterday he was told he was doing it regardless of his own ideas for his day.

It's a shame he couldn't bite his tongue for one more day knowing it would be the last but I imagine he reached the end of his tether

Rather than ditching him as many previous posters have suggested I would say that you as a family have been through an extraordinary amount of stress the last 6 weeks and this has strained your relationship - but it is over now.

I think blaming your boyfriend for adding to your daughters stress is probably just deflecting your and her anger at her dad dying onto your boyfriend. She was going to visit her dying dad - I can't imagine she gave much of a shit if the driver was grumbling. It was never his responsibility to facilitate that visit.

Your boyfriend is a person too in his own right not an employee so if you want to continue to see him I would suggest you phone him - tell him that the last couple of months have been stressful buy it's now over and you are sorry for the strain it has put on your relationship. I think he did a lot that he didn't have to do - for you.

You might find that your boyfriend wants to end the relationship after the last few days anyway.

No it wasn't his esponsibility but any decent person would do it in a heartbeat and put their own feelings aside.

Themaths · 22/12/2024 09:35

Meadowfinch · 22/12/2024 09:31

He was being unreasonable given the circumstances, but why are you all relying on him? Two grown adults and a 16yo should be able to organise travel by themselves.

Why don't you or your son drive? What are you doing to put that right? Why couldn't you get a cab?

Maybe your dp doesn't like hospitals- who does! Maybe there was somewhere else he wanted to be. How many times had he already had to run you back and forth? You don't live together so you aren't a family unit.

If you rely on him all the time, I can easily see why he is fed up.

Op had already said that her driving test is next month.

WhereverElse2019 · 22/12/2024 09:35

Meadowfinch · 22/12/2024 09:31

He was being unreasonable given the circumstances, but why are you all relying on him? Two grown adults and a 16yo should be able to organise travel by themselves.

Why don't you or your son drive? What are you doing to put that right? Why couldn't you get a cab?

Maybe your dp doesn't like hospitals- who does! Maybe there was somewhere else he wanted to be. How many times had he already had to run you back and forth? You don't live together so you aren't a family unit.

If you rely on him all the time, I can easily see why he is fed up.

OP has said upthread that she has her test next month.

I think a lot of people (particularly those who have been driving a long time), forget/aren't aware of how bloody expensive learning to drive is now. Where I am the CHEAPEST instructor is £40 an hour. Even just one two hour lesson a week would be £320 a month. Then a test itself is £120. Then the cost of running a car... for many it is completely unaffordable.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 22/12/2024 09:35

Similarly my exh complained at ferrying me to see dgm over 6 weeks... When she died he went ballistic that I refused to ask her dd for fuel costs.... Our relationship didn't last much longer... True colours op. Their true colours. Ltb and don't look back..

ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 22/12/2024 09:35

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 09:33

We were pushed for time to sort anything else out. Also my daughter has severe mental health issues around getting into cars with strangers. She suffers from severe anxiety at he best of times.

Show quote history

You don’t have to explain any of that. Any normal person would take their Step Daughter to see their dying Dad. I’d take my neighbour who I barely speak to, your DPs behaviour is outrageous.

SuperfluousHen · 22/12/2024 09:36

Well he has just ruined any potential happy future relationship with your daughter. Anytime she thinks of her father she will remember this sulky bad behaviour. He’s made an indelible link in her mind and in that of your son and of course yourself.
Sorry, OP. 💐

NoSourDough2 · 22/12/2024 09:36

First time I’ve ever said it on MN; LTB!!!!!!!! Unforgivable. You DD will never forget this, ever.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 22/12/2024 09:36

Why didn't he want to drive?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 22/12/2024 09:36

First response as always nailed it. He’s a cunt. He’s shown you who he is; believe him and dump him. Don’t be considering how when you’ve passed your test you can “pay him back with lifts”. Fuck sake-he’s not worth it. Put your children first.

crumblingschools · 22/12/2024 09:37

It was awful what he said.

You don’t live together, so how involved are you as a family? Some posters have called him stepdad, does he have that role or is he just your partner?

Has he experienced loss where he was traumatised by being by the bedside of someone dying?

AngelontopoftheTree · 22/12/2024 09:37

Hercules12 · 22/12/2024 09:26

You should have taken your daughter by taxi. However I couldn’t get past what he said so relationship would be over for me.

This is what I think.
You have been way overly reliant on him, if you can't drive then you need to sort out a taxi or get public transport sometimes.
He was obviously pissed off with all the chauffeuring - however, you're right that this was not the time to raise it.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 22/12/2024 09:37

Your partner is a wanker. Frankly I would be leaving him.

Your poor dd. My thoughts and prayers go out to her.

DepartingRadish · 22/12/2024 09:37

I get the irritation about feeling like a taxi driver - but there is absolutely a time and place where certain events have to take priority. This was one of them.

He tried to emotionally manipulate your DD into not seeing her dying father simply because he didn't want to drive her there.

I would never be able to forgive this. Dump him - good luck with your driving test.

AngelontopoftheTree · 22/12/2024 09:38

Hercules12 · 22/12/2024 09:26

You should have taken your daughter by taxi. However I couldn’t get past what he said so relationship would be over for me.

This is what I think.
You have been way overly reliant on him, if you can't drive then you need to sort out a taxi or get public transport sometimes.
He was obviously pissed off with all the chauffeuring - however, you're right that this was not the time to raise it.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 22/12/2024 09:38

Not so 'D' after all, then. I totally acknowledge that it's irritating to be the only driver, but really? This was the time he chose to kick off about it? What a horrible, selfish man.

LadyQuackBeth · 22/12/2024 09:38

He sounds pretty awful but you don't sound great either, it doesn't have to be either/or.

He clearly didn't want to be right in the middle of it all and you pushed and pushed rather than calling a taxi. If your DD treats him like the default lift giver at all times, that's also on you, especially as he isn't even living with you.

He told you he wanted no part in what he thought was a bad idea, you pushing it contributed to making a bad situation worse for everyone. A taxi would have got you there without the stress and baggage.

PokerFriedDips · 22/12/2024 09:39

He's an arsehole and a pitiful excuse for a human being. No basic compassion at all. Do not continue the relationship. He's not your "partner" if he doesn't have your back in a crisis. Don't wait till next time life gets shitty to find out if he's still just as much an areshole.

ClicketyClickPlusOne · 22/12/2024 09:39

He has no business making judgement on whether Dd ‘should’ be with her dying Dad , and was out of order in having a strop on that day.

And I am sorry for your DD’s loss, and it must be a complex situation for you.

Does he often fail to manage his emotional outbursts? Show signs of being controlling or having no emotional intelligence?

I dare say it’s odd for him, if he has given hours driving to and from the hospital, feeling, to him, as if he is facilitating your ex, and your Dd that he doesn’t live with. A 30 min trip is an hour return. Has he been dropping you off and then coming to collect? That’s 2 hours driving.

But whatever, he just had no business criticising your Dd’s wish to be with her Dad, and he is just wrong about scarring her for life. His behaviour is more likely to do that.

It’s good you’re learning to drive, if you are not prepared to use taxis and buses,l.

But this isn’t really about that. It’s about communication, whether your DP feels jealous about the focus on your ex, his cruel insensitivity to the circumstances, whether he feels taken for granted, and how he communicates.

I would want a long reflective (on both sides) conversation once things have calmed down.

Mozzarellaballs · 22/12/2024 09:39

I'm not one to say leave him, easily but this was horrible, so yes leave. People saying it"s annoying him being the driver, ffs it is to drive to see her dying Dad, this partner has been in the daughters life since before she was 10, it's not driving her to random parties, it was desperation to see her Dad before he dies and he acted like that. Wow.

DangerMouseAndPenfoldx · 22/12/2024 09:39

Ohthatsabitshit · 22/12/2024 09:25

I’d drive a stranger off the street to say goodbye to their father.

Exactly this.

LTB. I don’t have words to say what a despicable excuse for a person he is.

Have your daughters back here and show with your actions that it’s not OK to be treated like that. Honestly I could never speak to him again.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 22/12/2024 09:40

If he loves you, he would have behaved like a decent human being rather than a srroppy child. I would not be able to get past this so it would be over for me.

Mummyratbag · 22/12/2024 09:40

So he's "concerned" she might be scarred for life being there, but not concerned that having just lost him she would be left to find her own way home after the devastating loss of a parent.

To quote MN favourite ..when someone shows you who they are believe them.