To tell them they can’t drink in their own home?

[Toddlertantrums222]

Hi, I am a single mum to a toddler and have been invited by my family (parents and siblings) to spend Christmas with them and stay for the week.

I sent out a text a few days ago to basically say that I’d really appreciate it if people withhold from consuming alcohol around my son, excluding Christmas Day. I explained that most nights he goes to bed by 6/7pm so obviously still plenty time to drink in the evening. Reason being is that I just don’t like the atmosphere of people being drunk, especially when it brings out an aggressive/argumentative side which I have seen in certain family members. I wouldn’t take him to a pub everyday for the same reason. It’s also a safeguarding concern as a few months ago one family member was watching my son and he had a fall, resulting in a lump on his head and bruise lasting a week. I didn’t know they had been drinking, apparently it was only a couple, but I really felt like the alcohol was partly to blame. Maybe I’m being paranoid and it had nothing to do with it, but that’s how I feel.

2 out of the 3 adult family members have responded with yes that’s totally fine but the others have not. Not a peep.

I don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not. Personally I don’t really care for alcohol, could go months without touching it, so doesn’t bother me. But appreciate others do enjoy drinking a lot more than me.

This is so controlling. Just stay home if it is such an issue .

@Toddlertantrums222 You can't POSSIBLY think you are being reasonable. COME ON!!!!! If you don't want your child around your family when they've had a drink, then don't take him to their house!

I don't think that's fair. I'm sure everyone has been around plenty of people they don't want to be around when they've had a drink. No one on here is stupid. We can have sympathy for her situation. The issue here is whether she is entitled to dictate the rules in someone else's home over Christmas, which is obviously ridiculous.

We have had many family parties ruined when the cousins get drunk and start fighting. Had to chase them down the street. My brother has had to become de facto babysitter. Things have been damaged or broken.

I still think she's being unreasonable. Fine to dictate at your own home that there's no drinking but you don't dictate in someone else's house. You just don't accept their invite

Just checked and another has responded.

One said: okay (my name) x
The other said: of course (my name) ❤️
And one said: Absolutely x

One of the family members I was most worried about gave the absolutely response so was a bit surprised but also relieved. Hopefully the other 2 respond soon. One of the ones who hasn’t responded is also a bit problematic when drinking, so I will feel much better once they’ve agreed. And the other one is awful at replies but I’m not worried about him anyways.

At least this way if everyone has agreed then if something happens and people fall back on the agreement, they can’t complain that I’ve left. It is a long drive but I would pack up ASAP if the vibes were bad for my son.

You can't control other people's behaviour unfortunately can only control your responses/actions to it. You can ask but they also have the right to say no so you need to decide what your boundaries around this will be, will you remove you and your child from the environment if alcohol is around whether to another space or completley, always ensure is supervised etc which you should be doing anyway as it is your child ultimately. Or you make the decision not to go if you think that they are going to be aggressive or rowdy. And tell them exactly why if they ask.

One side of my family is like this so I do understand but YASBU. Just don't go. I do remember being told as a child if I heard anything smash or someone shouting, to put my shoes on ready to leave. It didn't particularly traumatise me but I can understand you don't want your child around it.

I'd just not go.

Yeah this. ^

YANBU

It's clear that many of those shouting unreasonable haven't even read your first post correctly (Christmas day excluded).

If I understand it correctly, you suggest drinking only in the evenings, and understand something small at Christmas dinner.

I can imagine part of your family is actually quite happy about this suggestion, why should the small number who can't behave poison Christmas for everyone?

I hate drunks, but know it's not up to me to control people's drinking. On team nights out or anything that invites excessive drinking I leave early, simple.

You're unreasonable for asking that there is no drinking all day. If your family are badly behaved drunks, go early and make a quick exit.

Well, maybe not, but there is a lot of social pressure to spend Christmas with family (no matter how dysfunctional) and the OP sounds a bit trapped by the sheer distance / not able to drop in and out as you might usually. I see my father most Boxing Days for the same reason - he's usually drunk before we get to the restaurant, leaves the table to smoke every 5 minutes, complains about the food and the cost, turns up unshaven and unbathed, burps, etc etc. People tolerate all kinds of crap for the sake of wider family or because they feel they have to at Xmas. I wish somebody had saved me from that as a child and I am glad the OP is at least trying to protect their toddler.

Rather than putting down rules, I would have just politely refused the invite. It’s not compulsory to go, nor do you need to give an excuse, but you can’t really accept a kindly extended invite by saying ‘ yes I will come, but I am setting out my ground rules first’. It’s just rude and self entitled.

Unbelievable. There is entitlement and there is, well I don't even know what to call it.

Just be prepared for the arguments happening anyway when someone decides that they do want a glass of wine with their evening meal at 5:30

"Oh so because Toddler said we can't drink we all have to bow down to her do we?" Kind of thing

The world doesn't revolve around you or your son.

Yeah, no-one can dictate to someone else. But it's a pretty sad situation to be in (from the outside) - and sad that someone's drunken behaviour makes a friend or relative feel this way about being around them at Christmas. I think the 'request' is unreasonable but I can see why it was made, OP is just trying to protect her child.

On the contrary, I have multiple relatives who are alcoholics as well as knowing other close friends who had problems with drink.

I have every sympathy for the OP but I still don't think she has the right to tell others how to behave in their own homes.

Of course. But the question was AIBU to tell them that can't drink in their own home? Not even 'ask', but 'tell' people they can't. Her reasons are admirable. But you can't 'tell' anyone what to do in their own home. It's absurd.

That was meant to be a quote, no idea what happened!

That's a bit controlling. I don't drink much but always have a couple of drinks Christmas. Yes I'm a single mum with 2 grown up children both severe disabilities. I know my limits I wouldn't have any more than 2 before they go to bed. I might have another one once their in bed. But hey ho I've had to call an ambulance out on Christmas day for DD and the paramedics or were fine with me going in the ambulance. Most wouldn't get drunk with a child present anyway.

Sooooo unreasonable! Wow, just wow.

If you’re not comfortable with the behaviour of the family when under the influence of alcohol you shouldn’t be going. YABU by expecting to impose rules in someone else’s home, you are responsible for your DC, no one else, and if you believe DC is at risk then decline the invitation. Their house, their rules, simple

You’re being really selfish and it’s such a shame that they feel that they have to pander to you.

What have you done! No of course you can’t do that.

if you feel uncomfortable you really have two options

you have two options just don’t go or watch him like a hawk when there ….

I'm sorry but if it was me, I'd be hoping you don't come/leave early. It's their Christmas too...