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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell them they can’t drink in their own home?

413 replies

Toddlertantrums222 · 21/12/2024 20:23

Hi, I am a single mum to a toddler and have been invited by my family (parents and siblings) to spend Christmas with them and stay for the week.

I sent out a text a few days ago to basically say that I’d really appreciate it if people withhold from consuming alcohol around my son, excluding Christmas Day. I explained that most nights he goes to bed by 6/7pm so obviously still plenty time to drink in the evening. Reason being is that I just don’t like the atmosphere of people being drunk, especially when it brings out an aggressive/argumentative side which I have seen in certain family members. I wouldn’t take him to a pub everyday for the same reason. It’s also a safeguarding concern as a few months ago one family member was watching my son and he had a fall, resulting in a lump on his head and bruise lasting a week. I didn’t know they had been drinking, apparently it was only a couple, but I really felt like the alcohol was partly to blame. Maybe I’m being paranoid and it had nothing to do with it, but that’s how I feel.

2 out of the 3 adult family members have responded with yes that’s totally fine but the others have not. Not a peep.

I don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not. Personally I don’t really care for alcohol, could go months without touching it, so doesn’t bother me. But appreciate others do enjoy drinking a lot more than me.

OP posts:
SeAmableSiempre · 21/12/2024 21:30

ilovelamp82 · 21/12/2024 21:12

I don't think that's fair. I'm sure everyone has been around plenty of people they don't want to be around when they've had a drink. No one on here is stupid. We can have sympathy for her situation. The issue here is whether she is entitled to dictate the rules in someone else's home over Christmas, which is obviously ridiculous.

Show quote history

I agree, OP cannot be expected to impose rules in another persons house

adviceneeded1990 · 21/12/2024 21:32

I wouldn’t like this either @Toddlertantrums222 but you can’t dictate what happens in their house so I just wouldn’t go. No one in my family drinks at Christmas during the day so I agree with you that it’s not essential and often harmful. Sadly though a lot of people in the UK can’t do anything without alcohol 🙄.

Henbags · 21/12/2024 21:34

Is this a joke?

NiftyKoala · 21/12/2024 21:35

biscuitsandbooks · 21/12/2024 21:24

On the contrary, I have multiple relatives who are alcoholics as well as knowing other close friends who had problems with drink.

I have every sympathy for the OP but I still don't think she has the right to tell others how to behave in their own homes.

Exactly. Personally I don't drink. If I had relatives that were aggressive when drunk it would never cross my mind to dictate rules to them in THEIR home. I simply would not go.

Icanttakethisanymore · 21/12/2024 21:38

Purplecatshopaholic · 21/12/2024 20:28

Don’t be ridiculous op! I’m afraid I’d refuse to comply on principle - you can’t ask this of people it will just get backs up for no good reason. You stay sober, it’s your child. You may need to reconsider going if you really can’t bear people drinking.

Edited

Me too, even if I wasn’t planning on drinking I’d massively object to being asked not to have glass of wine in front of your little prince.

Elizo · 21/12/2024 21:43

Toddlertantrums222 · 21/12/2024 20:23

Hi, I am a single mum to a toddler and have been invited by my family (parents and siblings) to spend Christmas with them and stay for the week.

I sent out a text a few days ago to basically say that I’d really appreciate it if people withhold from consuming alcohol around my son, excluding Christmas Day. I explained that most nights he goes to bed by 6/7pm so obviously still plenty time to drink in the evening. Reason being is that I just don’t like the atmosphere of people being drunk, especially when it brings out an aggressive/argumentative side which I have seen in certain family members. I wouldn’t take him to a pub everyday for the same reason. It’s also a safeguarding concern as a few months ago one family member was watching my son and he had a fall, resulting in a lump on his head and bruise lasting a week. I didn’t know they had been drinking, apparently it was only a couple, but I really felt like the alcohol was partly to blame. Maybe I’m being paranoid and it had nothing to do with it, but that’s how I feel.

2 out of the 3 adult family members have responded with yes that’s totally fine but the others have not. Not a peep.

I don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not. Personally I don’t really care for alcohol, could go months without touching it, so doesn’t bother me. But appreciate others do enjoy drinking a lot more than me.

dictate what everyone does for the week over Christmas. Nope

Coffeewithtwosugars · 21/12/2024 21:44

You can’t do that. You are responsible for your son , if it’s that bad that you think it’s unsafe for him then you don’t take him. You can’t dictate what others do . I understand it , I also don’t care for drinking and could go without and would prefer to not be in a situation with drinking but in that case I would make the choice to not go or just deal with it .

Wonderi · 21/12/2024 21:44

You cannot control other people behaviour.

But you can choose to not go so you don’t have to deal with it.

I’m not a big drinker but there’s no way someone would be telling me what I can and can’t do in my own home.

Make an excuse not to go and perhaps visit them on a different day where you can stay in a nearby hotel and leave when you want.

SeAmableSiempre · 21/12/2024 21:45

Toddlertantrums222 · 21/12/2024 20:39

I’ve been told!

my issue isn’t with alcohol in general, I have friends who are welcome to come to my house and drink because they don’t go overboard and are the ‘funny drunks.’ Certain family members have history of being aggressive when drunk and having bad moods, which I’m almost certain my son would pick up on and I don’t want him exposed to. They are absolutely fine when sober tho that’s why ideally I’d prefer they are sober around him.

I rarely drink but I would object to being asked not to in my own home at Christmas. He’s your son, your responsibility, and if you fear he’ll be exposed to aggression your decision should be to stay at home. You cannot expect your family to agree to your ridiculous request.

elliejjtiny · 21/12/2024 21:45

You can't do that. Although people who are drunk and aggressive at home during the day clearly have an alcohol problem.

johnyhadasister · 21/12/2024 21:45

Don't go. Celebrate it with your husband
it does not seem you have good relatives tbh
what will be the loss
drunakrds, argumentative, leave a toddler to fall on their head because their alcohol is more important

RawBloomers · 21/12/2024 21:46

As soon as you said that some people had responded yes, I thought - there’s a family with problematic drunks and many of them know it!

I understand why you asked. It’ a difficult situation. It’s unreasonable to ask people not to drink in their own home, but people who get drunk and behave badly are also unreasonable. It can be hard to know how to make the best of the situation without cutting people out of your life.

Personally I think a very up front conversation where you don’t pussyfoot around the fact some people behave appallingly is the way to go. But that doesn't work for everyone. I hope you get the result you’re after, OP.

BillieJ · 21/12/2024 21:46

I would say, just don't go. In fact, rather than waiting for more replies, I'd be sending a message apologising and saying you realise you were being unreasonable.

Nocameltoeleggingsplease · 21/12/2024 21:47

YABU
and also hard work.
Watch your child and let people enjoy their Christmas

Parisienne123 · 21/12/2024 21:48

Some people do get difficult / agressive when they’re drunk I don’t like being around that either. If this is the reason why then I understand and it’s maybe why two of the guests have agreed already.

PreferMyAnimals · 21/12/2024 21:52

I'd be more concerned about normalising the level of drinking that leads to aggressive drunkeness, or even the drunkeness by him observing it. That's not a good example for your son.

You can't ask them not to drink but I don't think you'd be unreasonable to ask them not to get drunk. It sounds like your family has a problem around alcohol. There is a difference between drinking and drinking too much.

I'd just stay home.

pestowithwalnuts · 21/12/2024 21:53

What a ridiculous idea.
You look after your son. It's nobody else's responsibility.
I can't think why anyone would agree to such an entitled request.

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 21/12/2024 21:54

I'd think you'd been on the Sherry if you even asked me that.

DoWhatIDo · 21/12/2024 21:54

Rainingandlookslikeitwillneverstop · 21/12/2024 20:27

You can’t dictate what others do in their own house.

you stay sober - you watch your son .

let them enjoy Christmas how they chose.

if being around alcohol is such a problem - don’t go.

Edited

Yes this.

Talk about entitled . Just don’t go.

purpleblue2 · 21/12/2024 21:54

Are you for real? It’s on you to not go to their house if you don’t like what they do. My mum has a glass or two of wine a few nights per week. I wouldn’t dream of telling her what to do in her own home and I also assume your relatives wouldn’t get blind drunk in the day time for you to complain about

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 21/12/2024 21:55

This can’t be real.

You will be looking after your child. Why can’t anyone else have a drink?

Starlight7080 · 21/12/2024 21:56

If you are supervising him at all times it should not be a problem.
Obviously I wouldn't leave him in the care of the person who was drinking again .
And if things get high strung you could go to another part of the house/bedroom.
Christmas is a tricky time for people being off work and drinking earlier then normal

YouMeandBrie · 21/12/2024 21:56

If it was your home I’d say no problem, you can state the terms and then let people decide if they want to come or not. In this situation, you are the guest and cannot dictate the terms. You can however choose not to go.

Kisskiss · 21/12/2024 21:57

My in laws drink a lot and fight each other when drunk ( has happened every Christmas for the past few christmassds) and even then I don’t feel it’s reasonable to tell them what they can do in their own house.. when they are at mine I ask my dh to try and reduce the booze offering past a certain point to try and avoid a problem but that’s the reasonable extent of it I think.
it seems booze and Christmas are v interlinked in this country and it’s just the way people do things

PickledPurplePickle · 21/12/2024 21:58

YABVU if you don’t like it don’t go

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