To tell them they can’t drink in their own home?

[Toddlertantrums222]

Hi, I am a single mum to a toddler and have been invited by my family (parents and siblings) to spend Christmas with them and stay for the week.

I sent out a text a few days ago to basically say that I’d really appreciate it if people withhold from consuming alcohol around my son, excluding Christmas Day. I explained that most nights he goes to bed by 6/7pm so obviously still plenty time to drink in the evening. Reason being is that I just don’t like the atmosphere of people being drunk, especially when it brings out an aggressive/argumentative side which I have seen in certain family members. I wouldn’t take him to a pub everyday for the same reason. It’s also a safeguarding concern as a few months ago one family member was watching my son and he had a fall, resulting in a lump on his head and bruise lasting a week. I didn’t know they had been drinking, apparently it was only a couple, but I really felt like the alcohol was partly to blame. Maybe I’m being paranoid and it had nothing to do with it, but that’s how I feel.

2 out of the 3 adult family members have responded with yes that’s totally fine but the others have not. Not a peep.

I don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not. Personally I don’t really care for alcohol, could go months without touching it, so doesn’t bother me. But appreciate others do enjoy drinking a lot more than me.

This post can't be real surely? OP you sound like a right bag of laughs to be around. Of course people can drink if they want to and you can't tell them otherwise

I struggled MASSIVELY with post natal anxiety and still battle such high levels of anxiety surrounding my DC to this very day, that would cause an absolute riot of a pile on, on Mumsnet. So I know it when I hear it. This is classic parental anxiety so I’m not being passive aggressive or offensive when I say that you need to speak to someone like your GP about this as I know only too well myself, it will only get worse.

Oh FFS.
The OP not wanting her child around aggressiv drunks isn't a mental health matter.

The majority of the adult family members do agree with the OPs point of view.
Seems being horrible demanding(or just asking) is part of the family makeup.

Why assume that? How about just not agreeing with telling others what they can’t do in their own home?

Occam’s razor.

OP - you haven't mentioned any alcohoism in your family or abuse, excluding the one incident that someone dropped your baby and you think it was because of the 2 drinks they had ( highly unlikely 2 drinks doesn't touch the sides for an alcoholic). The only other thing you've mentioned is aggressive talk. Don't come to my house, we all start ranting about politics and Israel and trans issues etc. We love each other dearly but disagree on certain issues. That is not a bad family, to me, that's a normal family.
If you want someone sober to look after your toddler that's on you , or their Dad. Nobody else's problem.I'm the kind of mum that will get up early to grab baby and soothe for a while if their mum and dad are sleeping at our house normally. But Xmas I start on the bucks fizz and my poor DH rolls me into bed about 9pm Mind I'm always the first one up as DH and the adult children stay up till about 2am. So I end up cooking breakfast as welll. Silly marmia , but I wouldn't have it any other way. By about 11am we are all in the pool, then a bbq , then pingpong ( have to get out of the house and into the air/con.) Yes our pingpong table is in our second lounge room. It's too damn hot to play outside in summer and then we are too damn lazy to take it out in Winter, just chill. If you feel uncomfortable with someone holding the baby then just say no.

Disagreeing is one thing and I have no problem with it. It's the ridiculous amount of outrage and nastiness that suggests defensiveness.
It's basic to human psychology that to go so nutso over something so minor means OP has struck a nerve.

Having been exposed to drunk (alcoholic) family members as a child I think why not ask if people can take it easy until your son goes to bed. They can ‘choose’ whether to comply or not but the issue is now in the open. I remember my siblings and I trying to get away from ‘emotional drunk’ family members and lots of excuses being made and an edgy atmosphere. I also have had to deal with/navigate drunken behaviour now that I’m a mum. It’s hard @Toddlertantrums222 , hope Christmas goes as well as possible.

If she was my daughter / sister Îd rather she asked than not come. I could always refuse but I wouldn’t because her reasons for it are understandable.

I think I understand and I completely feel your anxiety coming off your posts 🩷 could you stay for one night, with the provision to stay longer as long as you're comfortable? I think you need to let them know if you're going or not, but have a get out plan xx

I think your request was very entitled.I think that despite their polite responses, there will have been a lot of comments and bad feeling behind your back about this request, and probably to your face when the time actually comes.You have basically said your wishes trump everyone else's.

I wouldn’t take him to a pub everyday for the same reason.

So if it weren't for people getting aggressive while drunk you would take your toddler to the pub every day?

Agreed.

It's because they haven't bothered to read the OP's subsequent posts.

I think you are unreasonable. You’ve said it’s not everyone so if you have to leave your son to go to the bathroom etc., leave him with a ‘trusted’ family member.
If others do become drunk and aggressive you’ve said it’s a big house, remove yourself and son from that situation and give the host a chance to deal with it. Unless it is the host then you decide if after having some space and things calm down, you are happy to rejoin your family or you would prefer to leave anyway.
I do think you may have created an uncomfortable atmosphere now anyway. Hopefully I’m wrong and you all have a lovely Christmas.

That's batshit. People aren't raging alcoholics with a drinking problem because some self entitled lunatic wants to impose ludicrous restrictions on how adults act in their own home for a fucking week.

This is a you problem. If there's a massive drip feed coming about some abuse or drinking issues then don't go, otherwise the world doesn't revolve around you.

Why exclude Christmas day? If you want to avoid drunken hissy outbursts then your rule should be enforced for every day of your visit.
You child would be no less traumatised if they kick-off on any day of the break.
No logic at all. Arbitary rules will be broken

They all folded really quickly OP. If they all like a bit of a daytime drink as much as you say they do, expect lots of Baileys-laced coffees and suspicious looking "mocktails" to be consumed.
Because as the others have said you are of course being unreasonable.

My initial reaction was no, you can't do that. But now I've read all your posts I actually do think you have a point. If certain family members have form for aggressive/unpleasant behaviour when drinking, then as a family you all need to call them out.

"Listen X, Y & Z, you get gobby and obnoxious when you day drink, so stay off the booze until the little kids have gone to bed, or you'll spoil the week for everyone"

You are being a bit precious, but I actually get it, if these few family members are on the ale in the day it'll put you, and probably others, on edge, meaning you won't have a good time, and it sounds like they are the problem, not you, and maybe as a family you all need to supervise their drinking, even on Christmas Day, so they don't get pissed.

(Also, it's not a safeguarding issue if you, and other responsible adults, are caring for your son whilst X, Y & Z are drinking, only if the piss heads are in sole charge of him)

No you can't, you are being very unreasonable. What you can do is not let drunk people interact with your child. You'll be there yourself the whole time so there is no reason at all to let any of your familymembers watch/babysit your child. And if a person has had one-too-many you can always pick up your baby and take him to your room. But you don't tell people what to do/not do in their own home where you are a guest. This said, I like a glass of wine with a good meal, but I don't consume alcohol if I'll be the main carer for (a) small child(ren) that night. It's a bit like "don't drink&drive. Since you'll be there yourself the whole time the other adults present are not in any way supposed to stay sober for the benefit of your child.

This is a you problem. If there's a massive drip feed coming about some abuse or drinking issues then don't go, otherwise the world doesn't revolve around you.

@Youhaveyourhandsfull here you are:

Certain family members have history of being aggressive when drunk and having bad moods,
Arguing with anyone and everyone; it’s obviously worse when the 2 problematic people are arguing with each other.
Being very negative, name calling, over dramatic. And also just generally strange behaviour like walking in to a room full of people talking and turning the light off and walking off again.

I understand why you don't want people drinking before your son goes to bed. However, it's not for you to try to impose what others can do anywhere other than your own home.

I suspect that the really problematic individual will ignore your request anyway. And that is their right. They may even be worse than normal by having a few quiet drinks on their own before joining the rest of the family.

Of course you can't do that. If you're not comfortable in that environment then don't stay for the week

Sorry but I think YABU, if I was concerned about drunken behaviour I just wouldn't go in the first place, or maybe just for lunch Xmas day then leave.

Erm you are going to be there, right? As long as you are sober then there should be no issues. Unless your family are the type who get pissed at midday and fight each other violently.

Very unreasonable. I would also be very offended if my relative said that to me.