To tell them they can’t drink in their own home?

[Toddlertantrums222]

Hi, I am a single mum to a toddler and have been invited by my family (parents and siblings) to spend Christmas with them and stay for the week.

I sent out a text a few days ago to basically say that I’d really appreciate it if people withhold from consuming alcohol around my son, excluding Christmas Day. I explained that most nights he goes to bed by 6/7pm so obviously still plenty time to drink in the evening. Reason being is that I just don’t like the atmosphere of people being drunk, especially when it brings out an aggressive/argumentative side which I have seen in certain family members. I wouldn’t take him to a pub everyday for the same reason. It’s also a safeguarding concern as a few months ago one family member was watching my son and he had a fall, resulting in a lump on his head and bruise lasting a week. I didn’t know they had been drinking, apparently it was only a couple, but I really felt like the alcohol was partly to blame. Maybe I’m being paranoid and it had nothing to do with it, but that’s how I feel.

2 out of the 3 adult family members have responded with yes that’s totally fine but the others have not. Not a peep.

I don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not. Personally I don’t really care for alcohol, could go months without touching it, so doesn’t bother me. But appreciate others do enjoy drinking a lot more than me.

Good grief, don't be so ridiculous! My daughter and son in law are very strict Muslims but even they wouldn't have the timerity to ask us not to drink in our own house.

Yes this is exactly how I feel.

Oh come on. Massively OTT. Stay at home if you don’t want people drinking on christmas day. So no-one can have a glass of fizz with their dinner because of your child? If my brother who has a 2yr old requested this i’d laugh so much, and say no, cook your own dinner if not happy

So as I said - ‘don’t go’

it’s so simple

Having grown up in a similar environment I'd not be attending this event.

As a child you have no control over your environment but you're now an adult.

I refused to be around any family that become aggressive in drink.

This is all very well and understandable but you can't make them follow your rules in their house. If you don't want your child around it, which is commendable, then you just don't take your child around it.

I did say in my post excluding Christmas Day. Im talking about the other 6 days.

This

Your request was unreasonable. But wanting to limit your son’s exposure to aggressive, argumentative drunks isn’t. I’ve been in this position and I do understand.

1)Plan a shorter visit
2)Consider whether one or both parents or siblings might feel the same as you if you shared your dilemma and would be in a position to help limit early drinking. Plan activities, don’t bring out the booze until mid-afternoon, be ready to tell a person when they’re getting unpleasant. This is obviously easiest if the “offender” isn’t supplying the alcohol or seen as in charge, and it’s hopeless in some families.
3) If 2 doesn’t work or isn’t an option then tell your family that you aren’t willing to expose your son to shouting and that feeling like you can’t safely walk away from your son in the house for a few minutes is too much, so you’re cutting visits short or staying home as long as that’s part of the environment at their house. They can decide whether to make a change. “I’m not willing to have loud arguments and unsafe behavior around my son so I’m not bringing us into that environment” is healthy boundary setting, but “no one can consume alcohol until after my son’s bedtime while I stay for a week” is controlling and will usually end in you being seen as the person causing drama not the heavy drinker.

Don’t leave your son without a reasonably sober adult you trust to protect him. If other adults aren’t willing to step in to stop a plastered adult picking up a child then they’re not safe adults either and you just can’t visit for longer than you can provide close supervision the way you would in a location with physical dangers. It’s hard, I’m sorry.

I get you OP. My dad is basically an alcoholic and you can tell he's had a drink as soon as he's had just one or two. When sober he's fine but when he's on the sauce he has picked fights, sworn at me, made inappropriate comments about my cleavage, written me insulting messages and generally becomes bitter and aggressive. Of course I don't want my kids to be around that and I can see why you don't want it either. Alcohol changes certain people and it's reasonable to ask them not to drink before 6/7pm. You won't get a lot of support here though I don't think.

No really you can’t ask people not to drink on Christmas Day, I’m not surprised someone didn’t reply, they are probably still recovering from the shock of being asked.

Of course you can't dictate what folk do in their own house. if you aren't happy about the way they behave you shouldn't have accepted the invitation. Entitled,selfish, judgey and controlling.

I couldn’t spend a few days with my Bro, we love each other. We enjoy an hour or two together in social times (or longer when working on a project etc) but I become so stressed if we are around alcohol that I probably wreck the atmosphere.
but we’ve had some car crash holidays etc and I just seem to be waiting for it to happen.

so I’m sorry if you have a similar experience and I think it’s shame, but you might have to limit the length of your trips

I’m afraid you can’t dictate how other people behave in their own house. If you are worried about people drinking around your child, then stay at home.

You can't stop lairy drunks from being lairy drunks unfortunately. And even if they say they won't do it or they don't think they have a problem, they are often in denial about both how much they have drunk and its effects on them. I refuse to stay overnight with a family member who has a drinking problem. I'll visit for lunch or stay in an airbnb nearby, but I prefer not to be around them or have my kids around them after a certain time of the day.

Has anyone replied to your message? Would be interesting to know what they say.

If there was someone whose behaviour I didn’t like when they were drunk, I’d make sure I wasn’t around them when they were likely to drink.

If it’s someone else invited for the holiday who is the problem drinker, I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to (privately) discuss your concerns with whoever is hosting. But I wouldn’t be happy to be told I couldn’t have a glass of wine with lunch if I wanted one (and I say that from the perspective of someone who isn’t a big drinker and rarely drinks at Christmas through choice - I’d definitely be having one if I was told not to, though!)

I cannot imagine why you would do such a thing. If relatives are aggressive when they drink don't go, but you have no right to dictate.

Look after your own child and don't worry about the other it's Christmas you can't dictate what other people do.

Don’t leave them in charge of your son (he is your responsibility not theirs!!)

Leave at 6pm and take him home to bed before they have drunk too much?

Don’t go?

This thread is full of knee-jerk responses from people who have never had to cope with problem drinkers and their awful behaviour and it really shows. Some people just don't know when to stop, on any day, and Christmas gives them the perfect excuse to drink morning, noon and night and ruin it for everybody.

My mother is a nightmare when drunk, slurry and loud and obnoxious and I wouldn't want a child around that either. Stay in a hotel OP and then leave at your leisure. By texting a group, you've got all the defensive social drinkers thinking they're the 'target' whilst the person who is really the source of the problem is probably oblivious anyway. If some people could see how atrocious they are when drunk, they wouldn't do it.

I don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not
Oh, you really are, have no doubts on that score…

You can't tell other people whether to drink or not unless it's in your house.
If you think they're all going to get pissed and argue/ fall over I would reduce the amount of time you plan to spend there. All you can do is stay sober yourself and look after your son yourself.

Fair enough, but presumably op wouldn’t be contemplating staying for a week if this were the case?

Totally get it. My dad can either be my nice laid back funny guy or an arsehole after a few drinks. You just never know what your going to get. I basically grew up with functional alcoholic parents and I will not let my children be exposed to that. Thankfully they do not drink around my children except maybe one or two glasses with Sunday lunch or dinner and at weddings/parties which is fair enough.

One time I was round my parents, my dad came home from the pub drunk unexpectedly. I was meant to be staying overnight with my DD, I packed up and left because it made me anxious I didn't want them seeing what I grew up with. My dad quickly realised that he needed to never do that again and hasn't. He knows if grandkids are over - he can have one or two drinks of course but getting drunk is a no go for me.

But unfortunately you can't dictate it to people and let's face it over Xmas period, people who are alcoholic are less likely to stick to it.