To tell them they can’t drink in their own home?

[Toddlertantrums222]

Hi, I am a single mum to a toddler and have been invited by my family (parents and siblings) to spend Christmas with them and stay for the week.

I sent out a text a few days ago to basically say that I’d really appreciate it if people withhold from consuming alcohol around my son, excluding Christmas Day. I explained that most nights he goes to bed by 6/7pm so obviously still plenty time to drink in the evening. Reason being is that I just don’t like the atmosphere of people being drunk, especially when it brings out an aggressive/argumentative side which I have seen in certain family members. I wouldn’t take him to a pub everyday for the same reason. It’s also a safeguarding concern as a few months ago one family member was watching my son and he had a fall, resulting in a lump on his head and bruise lasting a week. I didn’t know they had been drinking, apparently it was only a couple, but I really felt like the alcohol was partly to blame. Maybe I’m being paranoid and it had nothing to do with it, but that’s how I feel.

2 out of the 3 adult family members have responded with yes that’s totally fine but the others have not. Not a peep.

I don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not. Personally I don’t really care for alcohol, could go months without touching it, so doesn’t bother me. But appreciate others do enjoy drinking a lot more than me.

It sounds like your family have problems around alcohol, so yes, I'd either not go of ask them to not drink around your child. But I wouldn't go myself, social drink or 2 during the day- fine. Drinking to the point of being loud, argumentative or generally have their behavior visibly affected by it then I want no part of it and would absolutely not have it around my child. Including Christmas day.

I do understand where OP is coming from. Clearly some members of her family have a real problem with alcohol and I don't think she's wrapping her child in cotton wool, situations can turn very ugly when drink is involved.
I also understand that OP wants to spend time with the members of her family that she gets on with well rather than feel isolated and out of things alone with her child.
I do agree that you cant tell/ask people not to drink. They may agree but not stick to it and you can't police other people.
If you join an organisation like Al Anon one of the first things you learn is that you cannot control other people and that you are powerless over their use of alcohol.
You can however control your own response.
If you are worried OP I would make the visit a bit shorter.
Think in advance how you will handle it if things go badly. Will you have a room where you can take your child? Do you have any friends nearby you could visit? Could you go out for a walk or drive home if it was bad enough?
Plan ahead and don't react emotionally, just put your plan into action. And try to chill, relax- don't watch whether people are drinking or not just act if you see that they are becoming argumentative and aggressive.
You will antagonise people by trying to tell them what to do but I do understand why you would want to.

I want to say YABU and if you don't like the atmosphere, don't go... but... Christmas Day aside, who drinks before about 6pm anyway unless they've got a serious problem with alcohol? I drink way too much myself but have no desire to start before about 6 o'clock anyway. Plenty of time to have a few in the evening.

" It’s not even every family member, mainly just one who gets like this; but I sent the message to everyone so that they didn’t feel singled out."

This is the problem. The ones who don't get aggressive when drinking are being penalised because of that one person. It's not fair on those people.

I’m a non drinker and even I think YABU 😀

Of course you can't ask people not to drink in their own home!
That's incredibly unreasonable.

If you don't want to be around people having a drink or you are concerned that your family can't enjoy a drink without getting drunk and aggressive then maybe just go and visit in the morning and return home after.

It sounds like a potentially miserable Christmas. I think just pop in early on during one of the 'main' day, if you want to, and then just head home and have a non-aggressive Christmas at home instead.

Truth is OP, that a lot of people are alcohol dependent (especially in the UK) and can't imagine not drinking before 6/7pm every day so you won't get much sympathy in the comments. I was the same once, but when my dad became a raging (but functioning) alcoholic I bought him books to help him give up... turns out he had already read them and they didn't help him as he was too far gone, but I read them and don't drink any more and now I see how corrosive alcohol is and how in denial most people are about their psychological reliance on it.
All those who feel personally attacked by this comment should probably read The Easy Way to Control Alcohol by Allen Carr, and This Naked Mind by Annie Grace. Trust me, your body and mind will thank you later.

what??? You can't be serious! Most people have drinks with their Christmas lunch. At 6pm Christmas day is basically done and dusted. I know of no one that would wait til the day is almost over to drink!

Surely this isn't a genuine post?!
Of course you can't dictate how people spend their Christmas, in their own home.
As a parent you should be the one not drinking as you're watching your child, if anyone becomes aggressive then surely you leave or if you're certain this will happen you don't go.

The thing is, that's like saying if everyone followed the law, we would have a wonderfully safe society - it's just not life.

You're best off breaking the cycle of acceptance and staying away. Perhaps it will shine a light on another person's behaviour being so intolerable that it's pushing family away and others will need to make a choice about whose company is more important. I remember reading a sad case on here where a man had stood by his alcoholoce wife for so long that his adult kids had basically nothing to do with either of them, so be prepared that the may not choose you and your son.

But take comfort that you're breaking the cycle and that that is more important in the long run.

I do feel for you though. So many people have a problem with alcohol, even if its not dependency, and it stains peoples lives and ripples further than just the user.

This is madness, don't go, or go and look after your own child, what happens if they drink, do they get locked falling around and starting arguments, if thats the case don't go, if its not the case go and let them do what they want. Yabu

Op, I really don't like people getting drunk either, especially early on but honestly, you're being so precious. I get that you really like everyone and they are more fun without alcohol but you're storing problems up for yourself in the future. You're coming across as unreasonable, not here on MN, but to those you actually care about. It may effect your interactions in the future. Eg whether you are invited etc

Also, who's hosting? Have you actually asked them first? I'd be annoyed with you stipulating your rules without having asked me first if I was hosting.

The other thing, he's 6 years old, not 6 months. If you need to use the loo, tell him to wait for you outside if you're so very anxious.

While I don't think YABU to ask, you can't dictate the rules in someone else's home.
If you know there is a genuine issue with alcohol with certain family members, I'd not bother risking it. I'd stay home. As a parent it's on you to safe guard your own child. Unfortunately not everyone will put them first, even their family. (Not even for the sake of alcohol).
It's very sad but that's British culture for you.

Where have you got 6 years from? He’s 2.

And it’s my parents hosting.

Still, he's yours and you sound unreasonable. Hth

Yeah but in THEIR house? Go or don't go but you can't ductate to people in their own homes

I think perhaps you should stay at home.

Entitled doesn't begin to describe it!

I understand where you are coming from but the problem drinkers won't stay sober anyway.
I wouldn't go but clearly communicate why.
Maybe your parents will pick your side and disinvite the problem drinker. Also judging by som answers to your request there might be family members who agree with you.

It's their home, not yours. You are the guest. Did they give you a hard time when you had your baby?

Good lord

But they won’t be watching your child you will.
if people start getting drunk then take them home if you are concerned. You have a choice to go or stay.

You are unreasonable.

And there will be no safeguarding issue because you are will be there to watch him and you won't be drinking.

With or without alcohol involved, a group of disparate people cohabiting in one house - even a big one - for seven days is inevitably going to lead to quarrels / arguments.

The effort of being civil to each other for that length of time will become intolerable, particularly with your request in place.

Why don’t you go for 24/25/26 and then everyone, yourself included, can make an effort then relax?

I actually think good for you. I wouldn’t want drunk aggressive people around my child either. Maybe it will make them think twice about their behaviour at the very least anyway.