To think you can't go over the top at Christmas in these circumstances

[starlymarly]

Some context first, DH and I have one DD, she's now 22 but when she was 18 she entered into a relationship with a man who was 16 years older we were not happy about this, she was on her gap year, she was a bright girl, AAAB at a-level, a place at uni waiting for her. It was the Covid year so she decided to wait and go to uni the next year and spend the year working.
Anyway she met this man, 16 years older. The relationship spiralled very quickly and within a couple of months DD was pregnant and insisting she would be keeping the baby and moving in with him. Soon after that she was going to be moving back to his home country with him which she did not long after our DGD was born.
We were walking a tightrope, we were devastated this is what our DDs life had become but equally keen not to be too loud as she was pushing us away more and more.
For the last 2 and a half years the relationship with our DD was nothing more than some text messages, pictures and a FaceTime once every 3/4 months. We'd make plans to visit, book flights and then something would come up and she couldn't possibly see us. It was heartbreaking and we knew something wasn't right but there wasn't much we could do. She always refused to give us an exact address of where she was staying and I knew if we pushed too hard she'd shut us off completely.
Anyway fast forward to last month. DD called me sobbing saying she was in a hotel with DGD and he'd booked flights back to the uk for her for not the next day but the day after that. He had been cheating and the relationship had been very abusive, this was the first time DD had said it out loud to us. He then basically told her he wanted her gone and not to see her again. He let her bring sentimental things (DGDs first shoes or picture albums etc.) and some clothes, but no toys and not enough clothes for anyone to live in.

We borrowed a car seat and picked DD and DGD up from the airport. This was all about 4 weeks ago now. We are in a position to help DD, we have a small 2 bed rental and the last tenants had just moved out, so we are redecorating it for DD now. We have gotten her therapy, DGD enrolled in nursery at a lovely local prep school and a place offered for reception next year which we will fund and we are helping DD with reapplying to uni.

Now the issue, between DD and I we have gone wild on DGD Christmas. She has more or less nothing here. We picked up some small bits which she plays with now but no big toys. I don't want to count how much I've spent as it must be crazy.
We've got a bike and scooter, dolls house and all the accessories, play kitchen and play food, baby doll, with pram/highchair etc. My sister who lives in America is bringing her an American Girl Doll over as a gift from her. We've bought Lottie Dolls and Disney Princess dolls, dressing up clothes, books, so many books and then little things like playdoh, puzzles and magnetic play sets.

DH thinks we've way over done it, left nothing for her to get in the future and set an expectation that Christmas will always be like this. I think in the awful circumstances and the fact she has nothing at all really means we can't over do it this year.
Obviously it will be a lot to open so we are just going to put the play food in the kitchen or the furniture in the dolls house so it's one item rather than 5/6.

But AIBU to say we can't over do it this year? Her birthday isn't for months so it makes more sense to ensure she has lots of toys to play with now.

Just be aware that DGD might find it overwhelming. I know you want to spoil her but new home, new people, new town etc etc is a lot especially after living in an abusive home. Can you maybe give her something on Christmas Eve so it's a bit more spread out?

DD is very grateful and in all honesty we weren't always the best parents. We've really had to reflect about how at least partially our parenting pushed her into the arms of such a horrible, abusive man.

It also wasn't DDs choice to alienate us, she was being physically abused and emotionally manipulated. She wanted us to visit but as soon as her partner found out he would threaten her or even hurt until she shut it down etc.

The least we can do as parents is be there to pick up the pieces as we aren't blameless in this.

I understand why you have gone over the top but I think all of that might be a bit overwhelming for her.

I would stretch the presents out. So do some bits Christmas Day, some New Year’s Day and then maybe keep some of it like the dolls house to have as a surprise when the new flat is ready for them.

It's too much, Amy child needs time to enjoy a fes toys till they get bored and then want something else. I would put some away and grt thrm out later, yout poor daughter won't be able to move in her flat.

Its not about what you can and can not afford, it's about giving a child opportunity to enjoy and value.

Looking at your responses though you have made your decision. If you are giving them all to her now, then I would still rotate them once she's opened them all.

DD has picked all the toys, she never had any financial freedom with her ex so was never able to just buy her child toys, it was always his choice and his way.

I actually think it was the opposite of overdoing it that pushed DD away. When she was young DH and I both worked in high pressure city jobs, she'd be at breakfast club from 7.30 and not home until gone 6. As she got older it looked like other the other kids getting dropped off and picked up from sports practice and the other parents asking how it went and DD having to ask herself as we just weren't there.
I think when a man who wanted to look after her and show her lots of attention came along she lost perspective and fell for the tricks.

This!

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas together

I think you're reading too much I to the idea she will see this as a precedent and expect it forever. I don't think she will at her age, and you both spending this much on her is an enthusiastic expression of having her and them back in your life, safe after trauma. Perhaps make sure this kind of expression isn't indulged in all her childhood as that does create a recipe for expectation but for this year, after so much estrangement, you're having a celebration and I think that's fine.

Good to know what landlords are spending their hard-earned money on. Anyone struggling to pay rent and buy presents this Xmas will find this heart warming.

I think she won't appreciate it as much coming all at once and may overwhelm her, then you and your dd will feel very disappointed.

As a slightly different idea, why not save 12 presents, and have "Father Christmas" leave a letter saying he's been watching her and she's been really good and helpful to mummy, and he chooses one child a year to leave one extra present a month.

Then once a month when she's coming over to you, she can have an extra present - you can make a little game about it, leave it in the same place and she can check when she comes, or hide it and give a clue that it's arrived or something.
Depending on her age, this might work.

Why don’t you show DD what you have got DGD; say ‘this is absolutely all for her but we can drip feed it if you think it’s too much for one day’. Let her take control; she needs to feel that she has some autonomy.
And for what it’s worth; she’s very lucky to have you and you’ve played an impossible situation very very well. She came back to you because of how you handled things. And you are not making it about you.

I think it’s lovely that you’re spoiling your granddaughter. On a purely practical note, I would keep the scooter and return the bike - she won’t need both for now.

So happy for you OP! What joy to have your DD and DGD back. Whatever you decide re: pressies, have a wonderful Christmas 🎄!

Op’s dd was almost certainly in a controlling relationship.

@starlymarly enjoy your first Christmas with your dgd.
The prodigal son got the fatted calf so ignore the pp’s on here pissing on your chips.
Have a fabulous Christmas.

@starlymarly In these circumstances, no I don’t think you can overdo it. Your DD will remember this forever and your DGD will have the best Christmas in the midst of what has been a hugely traumatic and turbulent time for her. Good on you I think!

I think it's a lovely idea OP and the suggestions of spreading out the presents, putting some straight into the new room etc are great ideas to make it less over-stimulating on the big day. Your DD and DGD are so lucky having such wonderful family to help them pick up the pieces.

She was in an abusive relationship.

Of course her parents welcomed her back with open arms when the relationship ended.

If you don't understand coercive control, please research it. A flippant comment like yours could be enough to stop someone taking an opportunity to escape such a relationship, condemning them to a lifetime of abuse.

Thank goodness your DD and DGD are safe and she’s got you to support them both.
An abundance of presents isn’t going to “set expectations “ for a toddler. I wouldn’t give it all at once, doesn’t matter if you open gifts over several days, keep a few back for her birthday maybe.
You’ve missed out a lot the just few years and your dd has had an awful time so I think DH can let this go as a one off. Spread the presents and it’ll be fine.
And I’m glad they’re ok.

DD actually bought most of it, and her view is that between Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day it could be spread out and still fun. I suggested we just take the kitchen to the new place though and she thought that was a good idea.

As cliche as it is, presence not presents. Its well documented now the more children have to play with the less they actually play. Far better to have one big thing, a few little things and engage in meaningful play, then on lovely random afternoons in the new year and take out other little bits and pieces. She's not going to know what to do with so much stuff.

I’m so happy Op that you have your DD and DGD safely home with you. Fingers crossed the horrible partner is gone forever. Are there legal steps that can be taken to help ensure this?

It’s lovely you have got so much for DD. I’d probably spread it out a bit and keep some for her birthday and Easter and just generally throughout the year. Only because she’ll be overwhelmed with the amount of gifts in one day.

Enjoy your time with your family!

You have gone way over the top. I agree with your husband actually.

Children who have been through upheaval need security, love and routine, not a fuck ton of stuff, especially when they are so young.

Give over.
We spent the rent on all the repairs after our tenants trashed the house.
And if you pay into a company pension I can assure you it will be invested at least partly in property that is rented out so you are benefiting from rentals too.

I always hold some things back for New Year's Day. I like to spread it out.

It sounds like everything has come from a great place.
i would maybe put somethings away to be used as spontaneous presents over the next few months.
We went mad for my niece last year as she was definitely overwhelmed to the point we agreed to give some things at a later date. It’s been great spoiling her out of the blue over the last few months.

@starlymarly in that case as it is all from both you and your DD and she has had autonomy and chosen them then that is the important thing.

I do agree with spreading everything out though and think it's a lovely idea to dress her room with the bigger items and you can still wrap them as a suprise.

Jan - March isn't a good time to learn to ride a bike it's cold and hard when you fall off and the ground is muddy. Keep the scooter. If you can take the bike back so you can get her an appropriate sized one in April in case she grows and she may enjoy going with you to try them out and choose accessories like her helmet and streamers for the handle bars.