To think you can't go over the top at Christmas in these circumstances

[starlymarly]

Some context first, DH and I have one DD, she's now 22 but when she was 18 she entered into a relationship with a man who was 16 years older we were not happy about this, she was on her gap year, she was a bright girl, AAAB at a-level, a place at uni waiting for her. It was the Covid year so she decided to wait and go to uni the next year and spend the year working.
Anyway she met this man, 16 years older. The relationship spiralled very quickly and within a couple of months DD was pregnant and insisting she would be keeping the baby and moving in with him. Soon after that she was going to be moving back to his home country with him which she did not long after our DGD was born.
We were walking a tightrope, we were devastated this is what our DDs life had become but equally keen not to be too loud as she was pushing us away more and more.
For the last 2 and a half years the relationship with our DD was nothing more than some text messages, pictures and a FaceTime once every 3/4 months. We'd make plans to visit, book flights and then something would come up and she couldn't possibly see us. It was heartbreaking and we knew something wasn't right but there wasn't much we could do. She always refused to give us an exact address of where she was staying and I knew if we pushed too hard she'd shut us off completely.
Anyway fast forward to last month. DD called me sobbing saying she was in a hotel with DGD and he'd booked flights back to the uk for her for not the next day but the day after that. He had been cheating and the relationship had been very abusive, this was the first time DD had said it out loud to us. He then basically told her he wanted her gone and not to see her again. He let her bring sentimental things (DGDs first shoes or picture albums etc.) and some clothes, but no toys and not enough clothes for anyone to live in.

We borrowed a car seat and picked DD and DGD up from the airport. This was all about 4 weeks ago now. We are in a position to help DD, we have a small 2 bed rental and the last tenants had just moved out, so we are redecorating it for DD now. We have gotten her therapy, DGD enrolled in nursery at a lovely local prep school and a place offered for reception next year which we will fund and we are helping DD with reapplying to uni.

Now the issue, between DD and I we have gone wild on DGD Christmas. She has more or less nothing here. We picked up some small bits which she plays with now but no big toys. I don't want to count how much I've spent as it must be crazy.
We've got a bike and scooter, dolls house and all the accessories, play kitchen and play food, baby doll, with pram/highchair etc. My sister who lives in America is bringing her an American Girl Doll over as a gift from her. We've bought Lottie Dolls and Disney Princess dolls, dressing up clothes, books, so many books and then little things like playdoh, puzzles and magnetic play sets.

DH thinks we've way over done it, left nothing for her to get in the future and set an expectation that Christmas will always be like this. I think in the awful circumstances and the fact she has nothing at all really means we can't over do it this year.
Obviously it will be a lot to open so we are just going to put the play food in the kitchen or the furniture in the dolls house so it's one item rather than 5/6.

But AIBU to say we can't over do it this year? Her birthday isn't for months so it makes more sense to ensure she has lots of toys to play with now.

I totally agree with this.

I think posters have been overly critical here. I do think there is a lot of jealousy of your financial position and ability to buy lots of presents and also of your support of your daughter. She is very lucky and I’m sure she know it but I would note this and not tell many people of how you are supporting her as they will be jealous in real life too. Tell her to be discreet too and not be naive about it.

As for the presents, I think you’ve worked it out. You have bigger things to deal with like trauma and potentially a legal fight with the ex. A bagful of presents will only help for a little bit and if you’re not going to get her things all year round, she won’t get spoilt. Also she’s only 3! She needs a magical Christmas!

Sounds like you’ve done a lot of reflecting but try not to feel too guilty about your parenting. The past is done now but it is now that your daughter really needs you. She will get her life back on track with your support. And you are being very thoughtful with your own emotions and this will help you set the right path with the right boundaries to help them - and you - thrive. Good luck, hope she makes it to uni.

I think it is fine as a one off and very understandable given what the op's daughter and granddaughter have been through. The little one won't be expecting the same very year, she is still very young and the next Christmas will seem like years away to her.

Just don't give her everything at once, op, so she can savour it all.

You're doing fine, I wish you all a happy Christmas and hope that 2025 is a much better year for your daughter, poor love,

There are a couple of posters here recently who seem to miss the point.

The tiny GD doesn't necessarily miss her toys to the extent she needs showering with them.

This is an adult perception of a child's emotions.

That's the bit so many posters aren't getting.

And the idea that giving more or getting more means someone is happier.
Look at all the multi billionaires and their mental health- are they happy, rounded people? Hardly.

If anyone is accusing me of jealousy you're wrong.

I'm extremely comfortably off , house paid for, huge amount of savings, but at Xmas me and my adult DCs put a limit of spending around £50 per person on gifts. They're tokens, that's all. None of us need more 'stuff'.

I think people have been harsh and some are incredibly over invested! @JuliaSmith in particular. How do you think most single parents go to uni? With a lot of support from parents/family. The single student lifestyle is not for a single parent with a three year old.

I'd just give the lot this year. Overwhelmed isn't guaranteed, most small children will lose interest and focus on something in particular rather than being overwhelmed imo. The kid came back to the UK with nothing.

Criticising the OP for working hard in a career that took her away from her DD will do absolutely no good at all (and is a bit of a disconnect from the position on Mnet for a lot of people). That bit is done, the result of that hard work is rescuing the situation financially as at today.

I hope you have a great Christmas OP.

It isnt 'the' point Julia, it is 'your' point.

A random on the internet.

You ´re making up for lost time;) Enjoy it ! Unless you spoil her rotten through the year it’ll be fine. She’s only a baby really and won’t notice the difference if she has a normal Xmas next year

The father kicked her out and sent her back to her home country so I don't believe he has the right to pursue her under The Hague Convention at all. If she has evidence of this then they are safe.

It doesn’t matter. I’m glad you have your daughter back and she’s so lucky to have you.

Agree. It is a whole different scenario to be able to take the consumerist moral high ground when not dealing with a load of trauma with it and in this case, having money is helping with some of it.

I have my doubts as to whether this is a true story 🤪 but it’s an interesting debate ! if it is true OP I wish you all the best. Enjoy having DD and DGD home. Have a lovely Xmas everyone !

Take like a third or half or it back

I’m sorry you’ve been given such a hard time op.

When you hear of a family fleeing domestic abuse, you hope that they will have support, help to rebuild their life somewhere safe and a way of replacing their lost belongings. You have been able to give your daughter and granddaughter all these, they are lucky to have you.

Thank you everyone. I really do appreciate all the advice and support.

@JuliaSmith
I'm not sure why you are so invested, but let me clarify, I don't think this is the magic potion that will fix all our woes. I know that my DGD doesn't miss her toys as such but home, and having toys won't take that pain away from her. However, I can't take that pain away, not immediately, it's going to be a process and slowly over time here will become more and more like home for her. We have carefully considered what we can do to make it feel more homely. Of course a lot of it is just time spent together, playing together, walks around the park, helping with dinner, reading stories etc. The gifts have never been in place of quality time.
I think you'd be surprised how many of her toys she remembers, the scooter, her baby dolls, her toy kitchen all get mentioned quite often. I'll assume you haven't had a child who has literally left everything behind so maybe weren't expecting it all to be missed.
For DGD she has grown up with lots of toys and I think what DD is trying to do is recreate home for her. This isn't a child who's only ever had 5 toys at a time suddenly being given 40. This is her normal, whether you agree with it or not is really beside the point, as parenting doesn't have to be done once specific way. Im sure both ways have their pros and cons.
I do appreciate that you are only so invested as you care. That genuinely means a lot. But please bear in mind that this isn't your child or grandchild.
When I first posted I was thinking the living room would look like some santas workshop come Christmas morning. Now it really won't look much different from how it did when DD was little.
I've stopped taking on board advice as DD has made it clear that she doesn't want to do any less gifts than this, that this is her norm and she couldn't care less what anyone has to say.
Ultimately I'm only open to advice for as long as DD is, this is her baby and her life and I'm not going to take over and tell her how to parent.

I hope you and all the other wonderful posters have a lovely Christmas and New Year

I hope you and your DD and DGD have a wonderful Christmas together.

I was thinking about the books - I think you said you had bought lots of them too? What about keeping some of those back and introducing them as part of a habit like a new book and a hot chocolate on the sofa with Mummy or you or your DH each week? So it’s about the time and the attention as much as the new book. And when she gets a bit older it could be a weekly trip out for hot chocolate or whatever and a trip to pick new books from the library. My Dad used to take the grandchildren to the shop every Friday to buy them a comic and some sweets and it was more about having time with grandad as much as the sweets or whatever. A comforting habitual ritual might be nice for her.

I'm invested partly because you came along asking for advice then appeared to have ignored whatever didn't fit with your own mindset. But now you're saying it's about what your daughter wants and you are going along with that.

Would you never question what your daughter wants as to whether it's right or not? She's only 22 and has a lot of maturing to do. My guess is she too was showered with stuff as a child and she thinks it's the norm to have this amount of toys.

Ultimately I'm only open to advice for as long as DD is, this is her baby and her life and I'm not going to take over and tell her how to parent.

But you are influencing her parenting by providing all of these things. Your very first post was to ask if you were doing the right thing! Your H had already queried it.

You've very much taken over by providing a flat, money, a place at a fee paying school.

I can see why because any mother would given the circumstances, but at the same time you need to step back a bit.

Anyway, I won't post again but I hope it all works out for you and especially the little one.

@JuliaSmith

I do appreciate your pov.

If I thought what my DD was doing was genuinely bad parenting (sitting DGD in front of a screen for hours a day, not disciplining etc.) then I would absolutely say something, however at the end of the day even if that was the case it's not my child and DDs age or maturity aren't relevant. It's her child and she gets to parent her child her way.
However I don't think this many presents is bad parenting. I was just chatting to a friend who has 2 grandchildren this morning and she said that her grandchildren are getting the same amount if not more and they already have a room full of toys.
I don't think there is anything wrong with 4/5 presents but I also don't think there is anything wrong with 15/20. Every family will have their own method and approach and neither is better than the other. We all do what's best for us.

As for her missing the toys, she absolutely does! Her language is really great for a 3 year old, and until she got the scooter over the weekend we endlessly heard "mummy can you get my scooter from home", her nursery has a play kitchen and when we asked what did you do at nursery it was always around that and often followed with "I had play food at home".

Anyway, have a lovely Christmas and new year!

I would keep some bits back for DGD's birthday.

If you think you have bought too much maybe save some behind for their birthday.

OP, my mother fled a foreign country and hostile marriage with me and my sibling when I was 6. We returned to her home country where my grandparents welcomed her with open arms and gave us full support, very similar to you. I remember my grandparents going out the week we arrived and doing a big toy shopping haul for us children - a lot of the bigger toy items were from car boot sales, but they knew how we left in traumatic circumstances and as a little kid leaving your bedroom filled with your favourite worldly belongings was quite upsetting.
I never grew up spoiled from this I would like to add - if anything I am the least materialistic person, never being interested in expensive or flashy things and have always shown appreciation and gratitude over anything I have owned. Some of my childhood toys I kept in such lovely condition I’ve been able to pass them onto my own kids.

Hope everyone is having a lovely Christmas.

DGD is over the moon with all her gifts, there were no tears or overwhelm and she's had a lovely day.
She's now cuddling with her mummy watching a film.

Ahhh I'm so glad she's coped OP. I think by setting stuff up at her house you've been v sensible. Wishing your DD and DGD a happy and secure future and a healthy relationship with you going forward, you are clearly invested in doing the work to make up for the mistakes of the past.

I can’t knock that. I know I over compensate with my DDs to make up for my childhood too xx

That is lovely to read, Starly.

I wish your daughter and granddaughter all the happiness in the world when they move to their new home, that will be very exciting for them. You're a great mum.