To think you can't go over the top at Christmas in these circumstances

[starlymarly]

Some context first, DH and I have one DD, she's now 22 but when she was 18 she entered into a relationship with a man who was 16 years older we were not happy about this, she was on her gap year, she was a bright girl, AAAB at a-level, a place at uni waiting for her. It was the Covid year so she decided to wait and go to uni the next year and spend the year working.
Anyway she met this man, 16 years older. The relationship spiralled very quickly and within a couple of months DD was pregnant and insisting she would be keeping the baby and moving in with him. Soon after that she was going to be moving back to his home country with him which she did not long after our DGD was born.
We were walking a tightrope, we were devastated this is what our DDs life had become but equally keen not to be too loud as she was pushing us away more and more.
For the last 2 and a half years the relationship with our DD was nothing more than some text messages, pictures and a FaceTime once every 3/4 months. We'd make plans to visit, book flights and then something would come up and she couldn't possibly see us. It was heartbreaking and we knew something wasn't right but there wasn't much we could do. She always refused to give us an exact address of where she was staying and I knew if we pushed too hard she'd shut us off completely.
Anyway fast forward to last month. DD called me sobbing saying she was in a hotel with DGD and he'd booked flights back to the uk for her for not the next day but the day after that. He had been cheating and the relationship had been very abusive, this was the first time DD had said it out loud to us. He then basically told her he wanted her gone and not to see her again. He let her bring sentimental things (DGDs first shoes or picture albums etc.) and some clothes, but no toys and not enough clothes for anyone to live in.

We borrowed a car seat and picked DD and DGD up from the airport. This was all about 4 weeks ago now. We are in a position to help DD, we have a small 2 bed rental and the last tenants had just moved out, so we are redecorating it for DD now. We have gotten her therapy, DGD enrolled in nursery at a lovely local prep school and a place offered for reception next year which we will fund and we are helping DD with reapplying to uni.

Now the issue, between DD and I we have gone wild on DGD Christmas. She has more or less nothing here. We picked up some small bits which she plays with now but no big toys. I don't want to count how much I've spent as it must be crazy.
We've got a bike and scooter, dolls house and all the accessories, play kitchen and play food, baby doll, with pram/highchair etc. My sister who lives in America is bringing her an American Girl Doll over as a gift from her. We've bought Lottie Dolls and Disney Princess dolls, dressing up clothes, books, so many books and then little things like playdoh, puzzles and magnetic play sets.

DH thinks we've way over done it, left nothing for her to get in the future and set an expectation that Christmas will always be like this. I think in the awful circumstances and the fact she has nothing at all really means we can't over do it this year.
Obviously it will be a lot to open so we are just going to put the play food in the kitchen or the furniture in the dolls house so it's one item rather than 5/6.

But AIBU to say we can't over do it this year? Her birthday isn't for months so it makes more sense to ensure she has lots of toys to play with now.

There has been no contact since despite DD trying. She did speak to his brother who said she and her DD were as good as dead to them, I guess time will tell though.

I think that it is entirely possible to go over the top, according to the question in the OP. It is more important to help them settle in, after what sounds like traumatic circumstances.

By the sounds of it your DGD is still quite young (I'm assuming 3-4 years old?).

I would suggest keeping all the outside toys until the weather turns and bring them out when she will be able to play with them.

Id also suggest doing a "normal" amount of gifts on Christmas day so it's not too overwhelming, but then you could give a few bits to open on the 26th and 27th etc until it's all been opened.

I think usually you'd get these things as you go along so it would feel less overwhelming but obviously this situation is very different so it's totally understandable that you'd want to "make up" for what has been lost.

You both sound supportive parents, I don’t think you should just ignore you Dh. Have a real chat with him without dd there and ask what’s going on, and what the problems are.

Keep half of it for her birthday. She will still love it in a few months time and it just sounds too much.

Christmas Day should be about being together and a few presents, but she might end up feeling over pressured that she has to open so much and not really enjoying it.

Also be prepared that she might just end up playing with one or two, and not even wanting to open any of the others.

I think you are over-compensating for all your feelings of loss from what has gone before, but the material presents are not really what it's all about for any of us, in reality. It is about being together and building memories. Your memories will be much better if you make some Christmas biscuits or mince pies together or play a board game or simple child's game with her – not just lots of materialistic stuff for her to open.

I don't mean this harshly, as I am terrible for buying far too much for my son and luckily as it's his birthday in late January, I then tend to have a raincheck and put half of it aside to give him for his birthday.

Her birthday isn't all the way until August so it seems such a waste to say she can't play with any of these for that long and I'm sure by then there will be new things she wants.

Don’t get her to open it all on Christmas Day. That really is way too overwhelming. Some things now, some for Christmas. Bike for New Year maybe? Or just sometime after Christmas but not making a big deal of giving it, just tell her that you want her to see if she can learn to ride it to nursery. Some things save for later.

Absolute bunch of miseries on this thread - your DD and DGD have fled what sounds like a horrible homelife and have nothing.

I would be spoiling the pair of them rotten - if your mum can't do that for you then who will?! God forbid my kids would ever be in this situation, I would 100% be doing exactly the same.

Ignore your scrooge DH

Also I never said we weren't making memories too, we've done Christmas lights trails and made cookies for the care home my parents are in. We are going to see the snowman tomorrow. DD has done many Christmas crafts with her and taken her to meet Father Christmas. This isn't instead of quality time and experiences but in addition to.

I'd go over the top in these circumstances too. Go nuts, make it the best Christmas ever! Sounds like you can afford it, so I really don't see the problem.

Does your DH not think they will be bringing out any new toys in the future?

I honestly don't get why this is an issue? It's my babies first Christmas, he's 11 weeks and won't know but my parents have bought him loads, because they want to and because they can.

I'm glad they're both safe now. I'd let her open all her presents, it will be exciting and memorable for her, especially with all the change she's had! New country, new house, new nursery, spending time with people she didn't know very well etc. Hope you all have the most special Christmas ever x

TBH I doubt she'll remember just how much she got by the time it's Christmas 2025. IF she does, then I'd just casually say Father Christmas thought she needed a lot more toys last year as she'd had to leave nearly all of them behind when they came back to the UK, so he made a super big effort. Hopefully that will shut it down.

I think leave the bike and the scooter not as presents but just things she has when the weather is good. It's raining the whole time at the moment anyway.

Then she's got the dolls house and the toy kitchen as massive amazing things to play with

I hope your daughter recognises how lucky she is . She alienated you and dropped you like a hot brick yet as soon as her circumstances change she's on the phone . Instant home set up / nursery fees paid etc .
As for DGD gifts they sound excessive so I would hold some back for birthdays etc

It might be a problem if the child was older but from your post sounds like she's 3 or 4? So unlikely to clearly remember much more than the magic let alone exactly how many presents she got. I'd not try to give all the gifts on Christmas day as that might be overwhelming but you could do a 12 days of Christmas of gifts or something? I think it sounds lovely and you sound like a great mum and grandma. They're lucky to have you.

I wonder if this is one of those "language of love" things, and gifts/acts of service is yours and DD's. I would have done exactly the same OP, and I would encourage you to do whatever feels right. I cannot bear to think of the anxieties and worries you must have lived through in the last 4 years, and I expect the gift buying is a treat for yourself, too. I am genuinely chuffed for you that you've got your DD, and DGD, back. Enjoy enjoy enjoy.

I'd say spread it out . The intent was lovely but it will be too much in one day.

Have some at the new house and spread some out for other times too

I'm thinking we can probably mitigate some of it by say not wrapping the books and just putting them on the shelves in her new room and same for the play kitchen.
Then wrapping everything else in sets (so while there are 5 Lottie dolls they'd all be opened together, the Disney dolls are already a set etc). After that it's only maybe 10 categories (play doh, American girl doll which she won't get until Boxing Day anyway as it's from my sister, baby annabell, Lottie, Disney, mganatiles, dolls house, bike and scooter). Maybe that would make it less overwhelming?

We can also open some from Father Christmas as soon as we wake up, then some after breakfast, some after church, some after dinner, rather than all at once.

I think it's very understandable you want to celebrate in a big way, what an awful time you've all had.
But I think maybe I would dial it back a bit. Your granddaughter has just had a very confusing few months on the background of goodness knows what she saw and experienced with her father around.
My experience of small kids is that they get massively overwhelmed and then things spiral into disappointment for everyone. Why don't you pop some toys into the loft, ready for rainy days or similar, and just start with a few bits that she will definitely enjoy (play kitchen would be a great shout). That way she gets to enjoy the toys and you guys get to watch her enjoying them.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your DD and GD, what a joy to have them with you again

You're taking over far to much and will be smothering your DD.

Yes help her get set up in a nice home but let her do the rest or it will be like she's left one controlling relationship for another and you'll push her away.

If you were truly honest with yourself, could your tendency to 'over do it' have pushed her away in the first place?

I get why you have done it but it does sound way too much.

Yes she will want different things in August maybe or at Easter but actually it’s important to have things you want and have to wait for.

My sister and her DH always went overboard with their DC at Christmas as they wanted the wow factor of a massive pile under the tree. They came to us for Christmas one year and it was actually sickening to see the pile and to see the children totally overwhelmed and over stimulated and going from one parcel to the next and just throwing it aside for the next thing to open.

Your DD and GDD have been through a lot and it is totally understandable that you want to spoil them both but it does sound way too much.

My DC found too many presents way too overwhelming at that kind of age.

I can see why you’ve done this and it’s totally understandable- especially given the crappy year she’s had so far. You’re a brilliant and supportive mum which is all we want to be. And your DD is still young too and will really appreciate this support.

I think keeping the bike back until new year and maybe bringing that out when the weather is a little better as a nice special treat would be good (maybe in March?).

And the toys such as the kitchen to set up in her new bedroom - she’ll be overjoyed when she has her new home with her mum and toys like this set up and ready to play.

Maybe just have a chat with DH and ask if he thinks this is something he thinks is a good idea (so he’s involved).

He may be worried about the expense as he’s totting up the practical expenses over the next 3-4 years that you’ll likely assist with. So a chat with him away from your DD would be ideal.

With all of the terrible, awful things going on in the world to women and children, here is a success story of a young woman who has escaped an abusive relationship. It could have been far, far worse.
OP, perhaps you could keep a few things back if that makes sense, but apart from that, don’t beat yourself up about any of this.
You and your DH are fantastic parents and can now be fabulous grandparents.
Enjoy this special time.

From where I stand it looks very much like your are trying to buy your daughter's love with material goods. She didn't make any effort with your relationship while she was abroad, were you not very close when she went?