To think you can't go over the top at Christmas in these circumstances

[starlymarly]

Some context first, DH and I have one DD, she's now 22 but when she was 18 she entered into a relationship with a man who was 16 years older we were not happy about this, she was on her gap year, she was a bright girl, AAAB at a-level, a place at uni waiting for her. It was the Covid year so she decided to wait and go to uni the next year and spend the year working.
Anyway she met this man, 16 years older. The relationship spiralled very quickly and within a couple of months DD was pregnant and insisting she would be keeping the baby and moving in with him. Soon after that she was going to be moving back to his home country with him which she did not long after our DGD was born.
We were walking a tightrope, we were devastated this is what our DDs life had become but equally keen not to be too loud as she was pushing us away more and more.
For the last 2 and a half years the relationship with our DD was nothing more than some text messages, pictures and a FaceTime once every 3/4 months. We'd make plans to visit, book flights and then something would come up and she couldn't possibly see us. It was heartbreaking and we knew something wasn't right but there wasn't much we could do. She always refused to give us an exact address of where she was staying and I knew if we pushed too hard she'd shut us off completely.
Anyway fast forward to last month. DD called me sobbing saying she was in a hotel with DGD and he'd booked flights back to the uk for her for not the next day but the day after that. He had been cheating and the relationship had been very abusive, this was the first time DD had said it out loud to us. He then basically told her he wanted her gone and not to see her again. He let her bring sentimental things (DGDs first shoes or picture albums etc.) and some clothes, but no toys and not enough clothes for anyone to live in.

We borrowed a car seat and picked DD and DGD up from the airport. This was all about 4 weeks ago now. We are in a position to help DD, we have a small 2 bed rental and the last tenants had just moved out, so we are redecorating it for DD now. We have gotten her therapy, DGD enrolled in nursery at a lovely local prep school and a place offered for reception next year which we will fund and we are helping DD with reapplying to uni.

Now the issue, between DD and I we have gone wild on DGD Christmas. She has more or less nothing here. We picked up some small bits which she plays with now but no big toys. I don't want to count how much I've spent as it must be crazy.
We've got a bike and scooter, dolls house and all the accessories, play kitchen and play food, baby doll, with pram/highchair etc. My sister who lives in America is bringing her an American Girl Doll over as a gift from her. We've bought Lottie Dolls and Disney Princess dolls, dressing up clothes, books, so many books and then little things like playdoh, puzzles and magnetic play sets.

DH thinks we've way over done it, left nothing for her to get in the future and set an expectation that Christmas will always be like this. I think in the awful circumstances and the fact she has nothing at all really means we can't over do it this year.
Obviously it will be a lot to open so we are just going to put the play food in the kitchen or the furniture in the dolls house so it's one item rather than 5/6.

But AIBU to say we can't over do it this year? Her birthday isn't for months so it makes more sense to ensure she has lots of toys to play with now.

I think you’ve over done it
i can really see the kindness in what you’ve done as the story you’ve told is so traumatic for all involved

but if you look at it from your daughters perspective , she MAY feel like she’s failed, either failed herself or her daughter. Or MAY feel like she can’t provide her daughter whay she had hoped. So you over doing it may make her feel even more like a failure or redundant
jusr give her Abit of Grace and space and be guided by what she needs and wants at the moment
Best wishes to her and her daughter and family

I think if you were my parent I would feel very overwhelmed and as if everything is about You.
Several times you have mentioned spending tons of money, which is childish. Your post is just attention seeking.
I imagine your daughter is already planning her escape. You're too much. Calm down and listen to quieter people

I am so glad that your family is reunited and I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas 🎄
My two cents is that I'd be worried about overwhelming your DGD.
I took my DD (2) shopping for Christmas decorations and in my head it was going to be this special day of excess and she could choose whatever she wanted. But we went into one store, she chose a single felt Christmas mouse, and loved it so much she wasn't interested in anything much else. It was wonderful! She was wonderful!
I just wonder if your little DGD might have a similar experience. The first couple of gifts she opens will feel so special and satisfy that urge for "new" and "exciting" and then if there is still so much left to open it can all become a bit much and she won't be able to focus on anything properly.

What a nasty thing to say.

Of course you've gone way over the top!
Keep some back for future presents - birthday, whatever, use others to dress her room, keep some at your house. Return others and replace with some building sets or gender neutral toys?!
Your husband can probably see a future of both your lives changing radically while you look after this new little person in your lives for substantial periods and perhaps has mixed feelings about it?
It's lovely you are so supportive of your daughter and granddaughter.
Have a lovely xmas

I’d have done exactly the same as you, especially if your daughter is onboard.
she can always have some of the toys at her house and some at yours too.
i hope you all have an absolutely amazing Christmas together ❤️

It’s a good job she’s not your parent then isn’t it.

if you’d read the OP’s posts properly, you’d see her daughter knows all about the gifts.

What does your daughter say? It's so easy to go overboard but you need to remember she's the mum. I never buy anything without running it by my DD first. As for Christmas I try to stick to something they want, something they need, something to wear and something to read. Otherwise I would buy an entire toy shop!

I’m glad they are ok and with you, it seems like a terrible and worrying time leading up to this.

I would put some things away for her if you can and bring them out gradually but not return.

Obviously you are your DD have enjoyed choosing things together, I would have a quiet word with your DH, this isn’t a battle to pick now.

You have overdone it. I am with your DH on this.

Having said that, I completely understand the need to celebrate having your DD back, being glad to be in a place to provide for and spoil DGD. I get it. And no-one can begrudge you, honestly.

But be careful of precedents and expectations you may be setting up with your DD. Even though you have the means, you want to support her to be her own strong person, not to provide for her like she's a little child and not an adult.

But OP, i am really happy for you that your DD is back and back with her child. Wishing her every success in rebuilding her life.

It sounds like a nice amount and you've put a lot of effort in, all sounds age appropriate and nothing extreme so I don't think it's overboard at all.

Maybe he needs to see what some celebrities do for their kids to see what going overboard actually looks like.

Congratulations on having them back!

Sorry but i do think that amount of gifts is excessive and probably overwhelming.

Return others and replace with some building sets or gender neutral toys?!

Agreed.

I can't help noticing that the toys are stereotyping her.

A pram
A cooker
A dolls' house
Dolls - lots of them - Princess dolls, Disney dolls
Dressing up outfits - no doubt 'princessy'- probably not an astronaut.

Toys for little girls don't have to be all about making a home and having babies.

It's as if you're establishing her future as a housewife and mother at age 3.

There are loads of other educational toys that encourage other skills. Construction toys, Creative toys for art, music, etc.

You’re overcompensating and you know it, hence your post, but I can’t blame you, I’d so do the same! I think if you’ve kitted out the bedroom and gone a bit nuts on toys, pull it back a bit, although I’m assuming you’re kitting out the house too-tv, furniture etc?

I suppose if you can afford it, fine, just don’t make your dd think she can always expect everything, hopefully she’ll want to stand on her own 2 feet eventually, bless her. She must have had a horrible time. It will be lovely for her and your dgd to finally have people who love them and support them.

It’s too much. Pick a handful of things and keep the rest to pop by with when her mum is happy with it. Please don’t go overboard - it’ll ruin your Christmas Day. Everyone will be overwhelmed and at the end of the day, it’s about the feeling of security and safety and love. The stuff doesn’t matter. Usually my mum and my mother in law will speak to me before Christmas to check what would be a good gift. We said no to a toy kitchen one year because we had no where to put it. It’s like a big bit of furniture. What a generous thing you have done though and it’s clearly come from a place of love. It sounds like you are dealing with your own trauma surrounding all of this and it might be worth seeking some counselling of your own. She’s home now, you can take a breath. One day at a time. Xx

Oh Gosh OP this has really made me feel so emotional.
DHs Cousin was groomed and later abused in a very very similar fashion (This man (age 29/30) started talking to her online when she had just turned 17 via instagram and snapchat, he then confused her to come visit Dubai with him when she was just weeks past 18. She never came home from that trip for almost 5 years. When she did she had 2 small children and had been abused for years. He basically gave up all rights to contact in exchange for not providing any financial support. He has left her alone but she is truly scarred and broken).
When they came home the whole family rallied around and you best believe those 2 little boys were spoiled rotten. They didn't get overwhelmed, perhaps because most of them were toys they had seen and had before so a lot of the excitement was already gone.
The issue we live with now is this perverted groomer and abuser is just free living his life with no consequences, it sickens me.
Spoil the, love them, cherish them, I'm so glad they are home to you. Good luck OP!

Brilliant post

I had mental health issues that made me want to give my kids things I didn’t have as a kid. I spent a lot of my childhood pretending stones from the driveway were princesses etc so when my daughter was 3-6 I was trying to give her the things I had wanted. I found an addiction to eBay and that Barbie’s and Sindys from my childhood were only $5 new in box so I just bought all the dolls of the world and a load of the Christmas ones in ballgowns etc. and in another year I was obsessed with sylvanian families even buying the Japanese sets, playmobil, happyland etc we had to have complete sets. My kids never gave a toss about any of it.

now they are older and I managed to get control of my craziness. My therapist says we tend to be like scales - tipping to one extreme to try to fix the mistakes of our past. It’s much harder to find the balanced place.

I think you sound lovely and very supportive. It sounds like your DD is appreciative and I hope she is doing better, it’s an awful situation she has been in.
As someone who goes overboard myself (my husband told me this yesterday too) I would suggest holding a few bits backs. The things she can’t realistically use until the nicer weather etc. Or staging it throughout a few weeks. Your DGD has been through a lot too, not overwhelming her on the day I think would be the kindest approach.

Staging her room?
She isn't an interior bloody designer, she's a child.
And who stages a room. Sensible, unpretentious, real people, decorate.

This thread has made me cry. I'm so glad you have your DD back and the chance to be a grandmother to your DGD. It must have been such a hard few years. FWIW I think the responsibility you have accepted for your part in what happened is really important for you and will help your DD to heal too. If that's part of what therapy has given you a space to be able to do then that's a huge part of the work. It's not about guilt, it's about gaining understanding of the whole picture. I wish you all a peaceful Christmas.

In all honesty, I fully understand and I'd likely do the same. The poor child has been left with nothing.

However, she is still young and having that amount of stuff on one day could be super overwhelming, especiallygiven the changes she's already had to deal with. When my sister and I had our kids our mum would buy them the same amount of stuff as we would. And I remember one year that they were so overwhelmed that they actually cried and didn't want to open any more presents on Christmas Day.

I think, as has been suggested, I'd set up some of the things in the house when it's ready and keep either the bike or scooter back for her birthday. She'll still be over the moon.

I hope you get to make lots of lovely memories and have a lovely Christmas.

I think it might overwhelm her. Maybe give her a few things to open Christmas morning (from Gather Christmas), a couple later in the day and introduce the rest over the next few weeks.

What is wrong with this huge amount of presents is this @starlymarly

Money and 'stuff' doesn't make people happy. This is all about values.
Several posters have tried to explain this too.

You've experienced this with your daughter. you worked all hours. Although your D didn't see much of you, she was well cared for with material things including private education. But what she lacked was your time. Why you chose to work those hours rather than be there for her, we don't know. And when an older man ( a father figure) appeared, she abandoned you and chose him.

Now, you're trying to show love by buying stuff.

A 3 year old has no concept of lots of toys equalling love. They don't care if they have 6 toys or 60. What they want is love, time, stability.

'Stuff' doesn't make people happy. Look to your own life and how you worked for money and the price you've paid.

You clearly think more is better, but it's misplaced values.

Just because she left material things behind when they came back to the UK doesn't mean she 'needs' those things replacing to make her happy. She's not missing her toys in the way you assume. She'll be upset at the change in her life but that's a far deeper issue.

It's making you happy to buy all these toys.

You appear to have a value-set that's very materialistic. Throwing money at things including what you're now doing for your daughter, isn't going to erase the past. It might even make it worse. Your D needs to focus on being self supporting, planning how she can go to uni (which is what you said she wants) how her child will be cared for etc. Presumably she won't be able to live away from you now, and live a student lifestyle, but she needs to be able to mature emotionally without you deciding everything for her.

I'm not the only poster saying this.

@starlymarly I think you're very possibly the most level headed and self aware OP I've ever seen on MN. Your therapist must be amazing.

I don't think what you're doing is OTT at all, especially after you've taken onboard all the advice and toned it down. Personally, I loved opening lots of gifts as a child, even if they were just individually wrapped packets of sweets or chocolate, opening presents is fun!

One point I don't think you've addressed is who all the gifts are from? If they're all from Father Christmas this could cause issues for others at nursery who don't get as much. Some of DD's friends have had Nintendo switch, a bike, a Furby, a piano and more, all from Santa in one year. That then leads to my DD asking why Santa would give her friend all of that and not her (we can't afford all of those things in one year). So maybe give 2/3 of those things from Santa and the rest from you/DH and your DD. Or give all the gifts from you/DD and have Santa take them to wrap and deliver but they're all from family/friends. That's possibly the best way to do it.

I hope your family have a wonderful Christmas now you're reunited, you sound like an amazing mum.