To think you can't go over the top at Christmas in these circumstances

[starlymarly]

Some context first, DH and I have one DD, she's now 22 but when she was 18 she entered into a relationship with a man who was 16 years older we were not happy about this, she was on her gap year, she was a bright girl, AAAB at a-level, a place at uni waiting for her. It was the Covid year so she decided to wait and go to uni the next year and spend the year working.
Anyway she met this man, 16 years older. The relationship spiralled very quickly and within a couple of months DD was pregnant and insisting she would be keeping the baby and moving in with him. Soon after that she was going to be moving back to his home country with him which she did not long after our DGD was born.
We were walking a tightrope, we were devastated this is what our DDs life had become but equally keen not to be too loud as she was pushing us away more and more.
For the last 2 and a half years the relationship with our DD was nothing more than some text messages, pictures and a FaceTime once every 3/4 months. We'd make plans to visit, book flights and then something would come up and she couldn't possibly see us. It was heartbreaking and we knew something wasn't right but there wasn't much we could do. She always refused to give us an exact address of where she was staying and I knew if we pushed too hard she'd shut us off completely.
Anyway fast forward to last month. DD called me sobbing saying she was in a hotel with DGD and he'd booked flights back to the uk for her for not the next day but the day after that. He had been cheating and the relationship had been very abusive, this was the first time DD had said it out loud to us. He then basically told her he wanted her gone and not to see her again. He let her bring sentimental things (DGDs first shoes or picture albums etc.) and some clothes, but no toys and not enough clothes for anyone to live in.

We borrowed a car seat and picked DD and DGD up from the airport. This was all about 4 weeks ago now. We are in a position to help DD, we have a small 2 bed rental and the last tenants had just moved out, so we are redecorating it for DD now. We have gotten her therapy, DGD enrolled in nursery at a lovely local prep school and a place offered for reception next year which we will fund and we are helping DD with reapplying to uni.

Now the issue, between DD and I we have gone wild on DGD Christmas. She has more or less nothing here. We picked up some small bits which she plays with now but no big toys. I don't want to count how much I've spent as it must be crazy.
We've got a bike and scooter, dolls house and all the accessories, play kitchen and play food, baby doll, with pram/highchair etc. My sister who lives in America is bringing her an American Girl Doll over as a gift from her. We've bought Lottie Dolls and Disney Princess dolls, dressing up clothes, books, so many books and then little things like playdoh, puzzles and magnetic play sets.

DH thinks we've way over done it, left nothing for her to get in the future and set an expectation that Christmas will always be like this. I think in the awful circumstances and the fact she has nothing at all really means we can't over do it this year.
Obviously it will be a lot to open so we are just going to put the play food in the kitchen or the furniture in the dolls house so it's one item rather than 5/6.

But AIBU to say we can't over do it this year? Her birthday isn't for months so it makes more sense to ensure she has lots of toys to play with now.

Honestly I fully agree. She wasn't even 18 when the contact began, she met him through a sport she was doing competitively when she was just a month or two past her 17th birthday. Covid then increased the communication and it was horrible slope from there.

If you can afford it which it seems you can then I think it’s lovely. You’ve missed out on a lot and your daughter has clearly had some awful times so if it brings some joy then why not.

She didn't make any effort with your relationship while she was abroad, were you not very close when she went?

Did you miss that she was being abused?

They were in Qatar which I don't believe is a Hague Convention Country.

Very very lucky. I hope your DD knows they can probably not set foot in Qatar safely until DGD is an adult.

This is a good idea. Too much can be overwhelming for a child all at once. She will get better enjoyment if you gradually give her things through the year.

Think how much she will love a random gift on a rainy day in February. It will light up her day. On Christmas it's just one more thing.

I agree with other posters that your trying to make things right because if what’s gone on over the last 4 years.

Thats understandable.

But your DH has a point.

It is overwhelming, all this stuff. Because with all this, the expectation you’ll have of your DGD will be high. For example, what if she didn’t like the doll? I fear there’s too much being placed on the gift giving. American girls dolls are beautiful but they are also expensive. I know, my daughter has them. Imagine if it isn’t played with on the day, or worse, tossed aside. You’d be devastated and worried that you’d got it wrong!

Please focus on small things- like making Christmas cookies, or getting your DGD to help making the trifle etc. These are fun things that forges bonds and will make your DGD feel loved and secure.

Return some of the items and the money you can put into a little account for your DGD. The bike is a great one to give for Xmas though

I know DD is aware of this and she has said she'd rather never be in the country again so has no issue with it.

And thank goodness they are out of those circumstances. Being safe and loved is the best gift!

My experience with my DD twenty years ago was that things were way over the top even in normal circumstances and when trying to be restrained. So many toys and presents that plenty wouldn't have had much use out of them. I think when she was three it took her three days to open all her Christmas presents.

It's the same with normal children today. The parents of my nephews and nieces all say that their children already have more stuff than they could need. One requested no presents for a recent birthday (but still received nearly a dozen).

What you've done is to bring this child up to that level in one giant leap. Of course it's over the top. It's over the top for almost every child.

What I would suggest is to spread the presents out. Give them over the twelve days of Christmas so that the child has some time to play with them before opening another one.

I think you're doing what a lot of us would do OP. Who cares if you are spoiling both your DD and DGD at this point in the equation after what they have been through.

Get your DD back on an even keel with love and support, financial or otherwise. Let her look forward to uni and creating a better future for herself and her child.

Op you sound like you have been wonderful in a crisis, and in a position to in existent safeguard your dd and dgd. You also sound sufficiently educated in DA to understand that your dd was alienated from you, and that this type of abuse is insipid and effective. I hope your dd is getting the emotional support she needs and is on the road to recovery.

Enough posters have commented on the volume (I am deffo in the camp of just having the things in the house; bedroom set up with her toys, bookcases filled, toy box ready to dig through on a boring afternoon, shed with her bike and scooter in, ready for sunny days in January, and just having a stocking and one or two gifts from guests) - I just wanted to check that your dd does actually have her own funds now, and not having to ask you? With her being financially abused, it is so important that she develops independence and autonomy over her finances. It sounds like you are putting your hand in your pocket for everything she needs. If you are able to give her a lump sum to set her up, that would be far better than taking her shopping for this and that, and be very strict that you don’t want to be told what it’s used for, and give no provisions on the lump. Or if you are planning on funding her through uni, she needs to know what your support will be and know that that money is coming without strings. Ideally she needs to take some financial ownership away from a benefactor but I can understand you wanting to help.

Beacon house does trauma counselling and has advice on Christmas which is about low key. Some more about older children but stresses overwhelming as an issue

beaconhouse.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/12/The-Christmas-Storm.pdf

I think yours is a very human response to a fantastic Christmas with your DD and DGD. Enjoy every moment of it.

Yes it’s too much. I agree with your husband.

Am I the only poster who thinks, sod the excessive amounts of presents, what about the mess that this man has created for your DD and her child? Where is this nasty man now?

We are in the process of setting up meetings with a financial advisor etc.
We are keen to note that while DD has been so strong and is now safe she is still at risk of future relationships which are the same and being fully in control of large amounts of money could leave her even more vulnerable to the wrong people.

For now she is a named user on our credit card and we have given her a lump sum which she keeps in her account we have no access to. We've been careful to ensure it's not so much money though that someone would want to take advantage of her for access to this.

We are looking to set up a trust fund though, one for her which will see her through university comfortably and include the home we have given her. Another for DGD which school fees etc. can be paid from.

This just takes a little time so while it's not total financial freedom, it's as much as we can do while protecting her.

That sounds like such a hard time for both you and your daughter, I'm not surprised you want to spoil her and your granddaughter now.

Your daughter is so lucky to have parents that are both able and willing to help her so much and I bet you're so relieved to have her home and safe again

I think using some of the gifts to stage her new room and wrapping bits together is a good idea, but as long as you can afford it, I don't think making up for the toys she has lost is a bad thing. I'd just build some quiet times into Christmas Day so it's not all too full on (and she has time to play with her lovely new toys!).

All the best to you and your family OP, I hope you have a wonderful first Christmas back together.

Sadly, living his life quite the thing, he's in another country so I'm not sure there is much we can do.
We will be contacting the freedom project and any other relevant agencies to protect DD and DGD though.

I can see why you’ve both done it because your DD has had a traumatic experience but you’re trying to fill a hole with presents - it sets expectations that this will always happen and also an unhealthy relationship - “something bad happens? Just buy something to make yourself feel better”

If you can’t return things, just hold them back for gifts for birthday/Easter. Your granddaughter is three, she won’t have any idea.

It literally says in the OP that the DD has been part of the buying.

It's not the dd that is saying too much it's the dh.

I think that this is different from grandparents who go over the top with presents at Christmas and birthdays for grandkids that already have a lot of stuff.

OP's grand-daughter has nothing as they had to leave everything behind and OP has hardly seen her grandchild since she has been born. It is understandable why she is enjoying going shopping with her DD. Her DD and DGD have been living with an abusive man and have now escaped. As long as OP doesn't go overboard at every Christmas and birthday, this is understandable as a one-off.

I appreciate that your DGD doesn’t have many toys in the UK already but what you have bought is a lot for a 3-year-old, most 3-year-olds don’t need so many toys and if your DD is moving into a small 2-bed is she really going to have room for a play kitchen and a doll house and a dolls pram/ high hair etc!? Plus presumably storage for all the dressing up clothes and playdough and Lottie dolls etc. Most of the three year olds I know do not have all of these toys at home!

3-year-olds can also become overwhelmed if they have too many toys, they can’t get into flow when they play because they are flitting from one activity to the next. A 3-year-old isn’t old enough to take care of her toys and tidy up properly yet, with that many toys in a small house the toys and parts will end up getting mixed up and will be a chore for your DD to keep on top of. Your DD has dealt with trauma which she will need to process once she it settled in her own home and contrary to what you both may think having huge amounts of toys which get strewn around the house and mixed up isn’t going to help either her or DGD feel happy and settled. She might think she can fix the trauma she and DGD have been through by making Christmas magical but she can’t, she isn’t considering the reality of filling a tiny house full of toys, shes got a social media style picture of a perfect Christmas but once the big day is done all of those toys need to fit in a small 2 bedroom house. It’s also likely DGD will become overwhelmed on the day having so many new things and not knowing what to play with next and not having time to get to know anything which may lead to meltdowns and upset on the day itself and, if spread out, over the entire Christmas period,

I would scale things right back. I would probably save the Lottie & Disney dolls for Easter or her birthday as I think 3 is right at the younger age range for those anyway. The rest of the stuff doesn’t all need to be given on Christmas Day or even Christmas week. Think about how much, realistically, she is going to be able to play with properly on the day and don’t go over and above that. If there are other toys you feel she needs then give them gradually over and beyond the festive period but also consider how much can realistically be stored, tidied up and looked after by a single mum in a small 2-bed house, DGD will get far more out of just a handful of toys that her mum has time to play with alongside her than a huge playroom of toys but a mum who is constantly tidying up after her and who ends up getting snappy about the volume of toys strewn all over the place!

It's way too much, and I agree with others, keep some aside. Maybe put some in her new bedroom as "decor"? Toy kitchen already in the kitchen, playhouse in her bedroom, some bookshelves with books already on them?

I tend to go over the top with my kids, especially by MN standards - remember that ridiculous and miserable "one thing to wear, one thing to read, one thing they want" nonsense. Your list is over the top because a little one won't enjoy it. It's too much, she'll get overwhelmed and you would end up having the opposite effect that you wanted. She'll honestly be much happier with a lot less to unwrap and be excited about.

You want her to have a very special Christmas, a more manageable one will work better.

This poor child has had her life turned upside down, as has your DD who's still very young. God knows what the two of them have been through.

What they both need now is love and security not to be overwhelmed with stuff.

I can understand that you and her mum want to spoil her and make up for her early life and losses but buying all this stuff is about making the two of you feel better not about what the little girl needs.

Talk to your daughter, tell her that you and her dad think it might be a bit much for the little girl all at once and suggest keeping some things back and maybe returning a few more until you can see what your GD really likes. She is probably feeling overwhelmed too and needs some guidance from you.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas together. I'm very happy for you. You sound like a lovely family.