To think you can't go over the top at Christmas in these circumstances

[starlymarly]

Some context first, DH and I have one DD, she's now 22 but when she was 18 she entered into a relationship with a man who was 16 years older we were not happy about this, she was on her gap year, she was a bright girl, AAAB at a-level, a place at uni waiting for her. It was the Covid year so she decided to wait and go to uni the next year and spend the year working.
Anyway she met this man, 16 years older. The relationship spiralled very quickly and within a couple of months DD was pregnant and insisting she would be keeping the baby and moving in with him. Soon after that she was going to be moving back to his home country with him which she did not long after our DGD was born.
We were walking a tightrope, we were devastated this is what our DDs life had become but equally keen not to be too loud as she was pushing us away more and more.
For the last 2 and a half years the relationship with our DD was nothing more than some text messages, pictures and a FaceTime once every 3/4 months. We'd make plans to visit, book flights and then something would come up and she couldn't possibly see us. It was heartbreaking and we knew something wasn't right but there wasn't much we could do. She always refused to give us an exact address of where she was staying and I knew if we pushed too hard she'd shut us off completely.
Anyway fast forward to last month. DD called me sobbing saying she was in a hotel with DGD and he'd booked flights back to the uk for her for not the next day but the day after that. He had been cheating and the relationship had been very abusive, this was the first time DD had said it out loud to us. He then basically told her he wanted her gone and not to see her again. He let her bring sentimental things (DGDs first shoes or picture albums etc.) and some clothes, but no toys and not enough clothes for anyone to live in.

We borrowed a car seat and picked DD and DGD up from the airport. This was all about 4 weeks ago now. We are in a position to help DD, we have a small 2 bed rental and the last tenants had just moved out, so we are redecorating it for DD now. We have gotten her therapy, DGD enrolled in nursery at a lovely local prep school and a place offered for reception next year which we will fund and we are helping DD with reapplying to uni.

Now the issue, between DD and I we have gone wild on DGD Christmas. She has more or less nothing here. We picked up some small bits which she plays with now but no big toys. I don't want to count how much I've spent as it must be crazy.
We've got a bike and scooter, dolls house and all the accessories, play kitchen and play food, baby doll, with pram/highchair etc. My sister who lives in America is bringing her an American Girl Doll over as a gift from her. We've bought Lottie Dolls and Disney Princess dolls, dressing up clothes, books, so many books and then little things like playdoh, puzzles and magnetic play sets.

DH thinks we've way over done it, left nothing for her to get in the future and set an expectation that Christmas will always be like this. I think in the awful circumstances and the fact she has nothing at all really means we can't over do it this year.
Obviously it will be a lot to open so we are just going to put the play food in the kitchen or the furniture in the dolls house so it's one item rather than 5/6.

But AIBU to say we can't over do it this year? Her birthday isn't for months so it makes more sense to ensure she has lots of toys to play with now.

A combination of personality and her childhood, mixed with mental health issues (she was very confident as a teenager but is now very anxious and has been manipulated into thinking without a man she is worthless, obviously we are working on this and she is receiving therapy but nothing happens over night).

Oh I must have misread, sorry! I thought you said she has money in an account you DO have access to.

Well since you're asking, this sounds too much and DH is right. Better to return what you can, decide what most needs to be given to the child now and give the rest when more appropriate - she'll enjoy it more that way.
You can have too much of a good thing.

@Bumblebeestiltskin

Apologies I may haven taken out some frustration in my reply to you. Please don't think I meant ill by it, very emotional situation and I'm still getting to grips with it.

@starlymarly as the mother of a daughter, I can't imagine being in your position - I understand how heartbreaking it must be for you, and would probably do the exact same for my daughter/granddaughter, and do whatever I could to keep them safe.

Good for you. Enjoy it, every moment of it!

You’ll find on Mumsnet that you often get criticised for daring to spend more than £100 at Christmas…my 4yo has had a lot of trauma in the past few months & this Christmas I am replacing a lot of toys. I’ve got her pretty much the exact same list you’ve given, with some extra bits.

I grew up getting spoiled at Christmas and never became ungrateful. The only thing I would say is don’t let it all be from Santa. My daughters kitchen and stocking is from Santa and the rest is from me/her grandparents.

Enjoy your first proper Christmas with them both, it’s so special and enjoy the fact that you can spoil her! Also, saving outdoor toys until Spring is absolute rubbish - my daughters favourite time to be outside is in proper thermals/waterproofs splashing through puddles in her scooter. No such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing and we will be outside everyday practising on her new bike!

I felt a bit uneasy about OP's comments along the line of her daughter potentially being susceptible to another abusive relationship as an explanation for why they're still, ultimately, financially controlling her.

So, have I got this right, OP? For years you and your husband were so busy making shedloads of money that you ignored her and didn't do most of the basics of parenting. Then she went on a gap year and met a man who showered her with attention, which was such a new experience that she threw judgment and caution to the wind and didn't realise she was in a coercive, controlling relationship? Now he's chucked her out and she's back with you, still not an independent adult and still dependent on you for money, housing and everything else.

You, after all this time in therapy, feeling bad, have decided to use money and a mountain of 'stuff' (basically a lot of expensive plastic tat) as a way of making everything special. You think that because she's got a credit card linked to your account, and because she can choose colours and furnishings for the flat you're giving her, that means she's independent. You do realise that although she has a child and looks grown-up, she has never really grown up? A neglected child and an abused young adult, now rescued by her neglectful parents.

I suggest you go back and talk to your therapist about this because it looks as if you've not learned much from all those years of therapy. You don't show love and care by showering a child with a mountain of plastic tat. Your daughter thinks this is what you're supposed to do because it's probably what you did to her. I'm guessing that when she was growing up you compensated for the lack of time and input you gave her by showering her with loads of stuff, too.

Can I give you a tip? You show your love for someone by giving them your time and attention and being present — not giving presents. The best gift you could give your daughter is listening and helping her to independence. The best gift you can give your granddaughter is hours of sitting with her, or running around with her: gluing, cutting, sticking, making biscuits, playing mindlessly with whatever comes to hand. She doesn't need five different expensive dolls, she needs time and input from you.

Your husband sees this, I think. You still don't get it. I hope you will, for your DD and DGD's sakes.

After taking on board the replies and passing them to DD. She has decided

• Toy Kitchen straight to the new house, aiming to have them moved in between Christmas and New year. She has had toy kitchen since she was about 15 months old so it won't necessarily come with excitement but maybe make the place feel more homely
• Bike from DH and I, won't have it out in the morning but when we get back from church if they weather is good DH will take her outside to have a go (it has stabilisers and she's had a balance bike before when they lived in Qatar so hopefully it won't be stressful). This will give her a chance to get outside while the cooking takes off and away from the overwhelm of inside on Christmas day.
• Dolls house - we will put all the furniture inside then stick a little bow on it, so nothing to unwrap, will be there Christmas morning and she can interact with it as much or as little as she likes.
• Puzzles/Play Doh/Magnatiles open on Christmas eve, fun for us all to do together
• This leaves The big Disney doll set, frozen doll set, Lottie dolls (which can be wrapped together), Baby Annabell and pram etc. and dressing up clothes to open through the day
• American Girl Doll from my sister on Boxing Day

DD has gone ahead and gave her the scooter today, DD said that Father Christmas wanted to give her something special early as she did such a good job in her nursery nativity and he knows she had to leave her scooter back in Qatar and misses it lots.

I don't think you've read all my posts.

1. This is in addition to our presence, we went to a Christmas light trail, we are going to see the snowman tomorrow, DD and I made cookies with DGD and are taking her to give them to my parents on Monday. Not to mention the stories, the softplay, walks to nursery, open top bus to see the Christmas lights and many more.
2. We never spoiled our daughter, not even close to being like this
3. Play kitchen, puzzles, baby doll, fashion doll, magnatiles, dolls house and bike/scooter isn't actually an absurd amount of toys for a child to have and she had most of it before anyway.

I don’t think you can overdo it. She is about 3 from your timeline?? She won’t remember this year’s excess or have any expectations for future Christmases.

Saving some stuff as a surprise for her new room will help manage the inevitable overwhelm. Possibly also doing a few Christmas Eve presents and maybe even saving some for Boxing Day, twixmas etc…

You sound like wonderfully supportive parents/grandparents.

Can you keep some toys at you house for when they come to visit you. Bikes and scooters for when the warmer weather comes.

Op this had made me cry

It's so wonderful but yes just keep some back!! It's no big deal..

I understand why you did it. I don't think it sets a precedent because your granddaughter is still very young and each Christmas will be different from now on so don't worry about that. Perhaps keep some gifts back and give them to her at other times in the year. Reassure your daughter that this is a one off because you are so thrilled to have them back with you and leave it at that. It sounds as though all will work out quite well, it's delightful you have a place they can move into and that the little one has a nursery and school to go to. You'll find the right balance, you're doing fine. Enjoy yourselves!

I haven’t read the whole thread, so apologies if this has been said.
I appreciate you’re extremely excited to have your dd and dgd back, and will do everything…..
But doing everything involves being there, forcing them to stand on their own two feet. Helping to gain an independent life of their own. Not showering them with unnecessary stuff which they may just assume will be constantly forthcoming. Because actually that will help no one in the long term…….

Your daughter has just been ejected from a controlling abusive relationship. She needs to start again and be able to take back control of her life. Her self confidence will have been annihilated and the support and love you give her now will be invaluable. Hold back on the gift giving or keep it at a level your DD is comfy with, as she needs you to listen to her. For the last few years she has had no control, its a delicate subject.

She is a single mum, money will be tight and she knows in the years to come she will not be able to replicate your generosity. She will have learnt some very hard lessons and her inner fear wiil eventually drive her to want to be self sufficient so she is no longer dependent on any one so badly again. And it is generosity, its obvious you love them both and want to make up for the rough time they have had. But this is not the way. Its not about you and making up for how you feel you failed her in the past, its about giving your daughter control back of her life and creating a safe stable home for the Grandchild.

Unwrap some stuff, and put it in the house, take some back and get a refund, and keep a few nice things for Christmas.

Your generosity and love shines through but you need to stop over-compensating.

I say this with kindness but when your daughter was growing up, you supported her financially but emotionally, you say yourself you weren't there for her. Don't just throw money at it again. Spend some of the money on therapy and support for your daughter and be the type of parents that are there for your daughter emotionally, as that is what she will need more than anything.

Good luck, I hope you and your returned family have a great Christmas and that your daughter emerges from this stronger and more in control of her destiny.

Don't let anyone piss on your chips. You're making for lost time and repairing after a horrible time for your DD and DGD (and you too). It's Christmas and you clearly needed to get some toys and give that child some fun escapism. Enjoy it. Don't overthink it. Next year, you'll get less and if DGD is disappointed, then it'll be the perfect moment for a life lesson. That's fine.
I'm so glad for you that your DD is out of that abusive relationship, that you can keep her and DGD safe and that the future is looking bright for you all. Celebrate! Merry Christmas to you and your family

Can you keep some back for her birthday? I've done this in the past. Works out well as their birthday is in march.

You need to look at this from a child's perspective.

They don't have the bandwidth to appreciate so many new toys all at once.

Your H is right.

It's not just about the money spent, it's about your GD's development.
she's only 3.

Children that young should have 3 or 4 toys to play with and get the most out of them.

I know you can' t put yourself into the mindset of a 4 year old, but do some reading of sites online by child psychs etc on development and play.

From your list, I'd suggest only 2 -3 of the things.

You've got 3 big items- a bike, play kitchen and a dolls' house.

ONE of those is enough. Plus maybe the dolls and some (educational) books.

She's 3!

Many kids whose parents aren't well off would get one (or none) of those big items.

My parents were very poor. Almost all my toys (like my bike) were 2nd hand. I've never had a leg-up from them as they didn't have any money.

But I did have love and a stay at home Mum who was always in when I came home from school.

I think you overestimate how much small children can appreciate and focus on so many new toys all at once. Many are happier with the cardboard box than the actual gifts.

Child psychs say that the fewer toys the better. It develops creativity, imagination and focus, rather than being surrounded by loads of toys.

It depends how her mum feels about it.

I do feel they can get overwhelmed with gifts so I would give the things she'll be thrilled with and keep the kits and books etc to be brought out when she's bored. She will be much more interested in a new book on a rainy Tuesday than hidden in all the plastic.

It’s lovely and exactly what I would do. Your DGD is 3. She won’t really remember by next Christmas that her toys were Christmas gifts so I wouldn’t worry about her having unrealistic expectations. You can also manage any expectations by telling her that this is a special Christmas because she needs all new toys. I might save one of the big gifts for her birthday though if you can’t think of anything else you could get for her birthday!

It's going to be way too overwhelming.

She will if she's like my 4 year old

Also, DGD doesn't need to open it all in one go. Can be a couple on Christmas morning, then maybe another couple after the dinner, then some on boxing day, new year day, spread it out.

@JuliaSmith Is spot on