To think you can't go over the top at Christmas in these circumstances

[starlymarly]

Some context first, DH and I have one DD, she's now 22 but when she was 18 she entered into a relationship with a man who was 16 years older we were not happy about this, she was on her gap year, she was a bright girl, AAAB at a-level, a place at uni waiting for her. It was the Covid year so she decided to wait and go to uni the next year and spend the year working.
Anyway she met this man, 16 years older. The relationship spiralled very quickly and within a couple of months DD was pregnant and insisting she would be keeping the baby and moving in with him. Soon after that she was going to be moving back to his home country with him which she did not long after our DGD was born.
We were walking a tightrope, we were devastated this is what our DDs life had become but equally keen not to be too loud as she was pushing us away more and more.
For the last 2 and a half years the relationship with our DD was nothing more than some text messages, pictures and a FaceTime once every 3/4 months. We'd make plans to visit, book flights and then something would come up and she couldn't possibly see us. It was heartbreaking and we knew something wasn't right but there wasn't much we could do. She always refused to give us an exact address of where she was staying and I knew if we pushed too hard she'd shut us off completely.
Anyway fast forward to last month. DD called me sobbing saying she was in a hotel with DGD and he'd booked flights back to the uk for her for not the next day but the day after that. He had been cheating and the relationship had been very abusive, this was the first time DD had said it out loud to us. He then basically told her he wanted her gone and not to see her again. He let her bring sentimental things (DGDs first shoes or picture albums etc.) and some clothes, but no toys and not enough clothes for anyone to live in.

We borrowed a car seat and picked DD and DGD up from the airport. This was all about 4 weeks ago now. We are in a position to help DD, we have a small 2 bed rental and the last tenants had just moved out, so we are redecorating it for DD now. We have gotten her therapy, DGD enrolled in nursery at a lovely local prep school and a place offered for reception next year which we will fund and we are helping DD with reapplying to uni.

Now the issue, between DD and I we have gone wild on DGD Christmas. She has more or less nothing here. We picked up some small bits which she plays with now but no big toys. I don't want to count how much I've spent as it must be crazy.
We've got a bike and scooter, dolls house and all the accessories, play kitchen and play food, baby doll, with pram/highchair etc. My sister who lives in America is bringing her an American Girl Doll over as a gift from her. We've bought Lottie Dolls and Disney Princess dolls, dressing up clothes, books, so many books and then little things like playdoh, puzzles and magnetic play sets.

DH thinks we've way over done it, left nothing for her to get in the future and set an expectation that Christmas will always be like this. I think in the awful circumstances and the fact she has nothing at all really means we can't over do it this year.
Obviously it will be a lot to open so we are just going to put the play food in the kitchen or the furniture in the dolls house so it's one item rather than 5/6.

But AIBU to say we can't over do it this year? Her birthday isn't for months so it makes more sense to ensure she has lots of toys to play with now.

Just another little bit, the poster who said kidnapping is still a risk, and you need to make sure school know who can and can't pick up your granddaughter, they are so right. School knows under absolutely no circumstances should anyone else pick up granddaughter. This means friends parents too.
My daughters ex's sister came to visit and somehow found out where granddaughter went to school and started hanging around outside for 3/4 days, she claims she was just looking to see that she was okay but we were terrified. Granddaughters teacher has a little laminated card with a picture of my daughter, my husband, my other daughter and myself. If it isn't one of us granddaughter cannot under any circumstances go with them, even if granddaughter is sick and we want to ask a neighbour to pick her up, it's a no. One of us can always get there, even if that means granddaughter staying for an hour in the sick room. It's an absolute non-negotiable.

As an aside, I would take the stabilizers off the bike if your DGD has risen a balance bike and was good on it. Learning to balance is harder than pedalling so if she has already mastered the hard part she should be riding pretty quickly.
Your DH can do that classic "running along behind holding the saddle while she pedals" until she has enough speed up to go on her own.
If you leave the stabilizers on she'll just rely on them

following on form this

Id be telling the school no photographs
Coming off social media, you your daughter and husband, so there isn't a trace of you on line and no identifying photographs.
Also tell friends and family not to put photographs of dgd online due to facial recognition

Like I said, it's set in stone. This is how DD wants to do it and as I've already been compared to her abusive ex I certainly won't be telling her "put half of them away".

I don't see the point in discussing this any more @starlymarly and am puzzled why you posted at all.

It's set in stone yet you asked for advice? Your DD hasn't exactly made good decisions with her life yet, but you're happy to let her do what she wants here and actually enabling it through your money.
History repeating itself?

Oh well, you're the expert on this, clearly.

You've gone from asking for advice to putting your fingers in your ears when anyone dares to suggest something you don't agree with. Even your husband has more sense.

Toys are everything clearly in your life. And the more toys the better.

Spoil them both. They deserve it in every single way. Mentally, emotionally, physically, materially - your daughter is incredible and well done you for her being able to reach out for your help and support. Give them all the love they need, go mad this Christmas and make up for the lost time. Have a wonderful Christmas x

@starlymarly

The facts are you and your daughter are both having therapy around your parenting of her, and her experience with this man.

You have spent the entire thread asking for advice and admitting what a terrible parent you were.

Your husband said you should think again about too many gifts. You asked for opinions.

Now, you've decided that your DD who is 22 knows best.

Does it not occur to you that she's spent the last 4 years making terrible choices? And now you've come to the rescue.

But she's still very immature and not necessarily looking at this dispassionately, as she's too close to it.

"They don't know my daughter like I do and I believe she will be more than able to handle it, so I'm not worried"

Honestly, this just shows she's no idea at all what we've been trying to explain.
And why you bothered to post is inexplicable.

@JuliaSmith

Like I said to a previous poster, not doing it exactly how YOU think we should doesn't mean we haven't taken on board the advice.
The number of presents being opened on Christmas Day has been halved!
Suggesting giving your child 15 gifts is a terrible parenting choice and absolutely absurd.
If you read other comments, people already think I'm being too heavy handed with DD and I should give her more independence. So regardless of what you a stranger thinks, DD has decided which changes she's willing to make.
I think my DD is a wonderful mum and as you don't know you have absolutely no right to suggest otherwise.
The best part of parenting is we don't all have to do it the same way. Some will give their children 4 gifts some 20. Less gifts doesn't make you a better parent, neither does more, it's just different ways of doing things.

@starlymarly do you know what AIBU stands for?

@IcecreamWhatSandwich

Do you realise that not everyone suggested it should be as few as 4/5 toys and all families do Christmas different and I can be both unreasonable in my initial idea and still not do exactly as some posters want without it meaning the post was a waste?

@starlymarly

I think you've made some good choices. And I'm sure all of you will simply step back and let DGD open what she wants and if she opens one gift and doesn't want to bother opening anything else (right then) you'll look at the rest of the pile, laugh, and say 'leave her to it, she'll open others when she's ready'.

My sister 'married well' and her children had mountains of gifts, up to and including brand new cars as teens. They grew into two of the loveliest, kindest, and most generous adults you ever knew. But they always had the time and attention of both parents, which apparently your DD didn't really have. That's not a 'slam', you did what you thought was right at the time. As parents that's all we can do. I certainly hold my hand up and say I'd do some things differently as a parent. And if anyone says they 'did it all right' they're either full of shit or deluded.

I think you and DH setting up some financial 'safeguards' around DD at this time shows that you have learnt from your mistakes. You aren't 'controlling' her, you're setting up boundaries that she can 'lean against' during this time of adjustment for her and DGD. With therapy, time, and experience she'll gain in wisdom and confidence. At some point she'll be self confident and a better judge of herself, and of relationships. Then you'll be able to relax and she'll be able to fly.

I wish all of you the happiest of Christmases and a peaceful New Year.

@starlymarly TBH I'm really shocked at the change in your tone compared to yesterday when you started this. It's almost like you're a different person.

Yesterday you were unsure, questioning if your H was right, and asking for opinions.

Now, you're pushing back and saying your D has the final word and she thinks it's all fine.

I said there were too many 'big' toys. It's not about the number of toys per se.

But to give a bike, which is a right of passage for many children, and a cooker, and a dolls' house all at the same time - that's different.

I wonder if you have really asked your daughter to read this thread. Or if you're inventing that?

How does she feel about having her life discussed in public, right down to her A-level grades? About her rebellious teenage years, her marriage, her life now?

You've given an awful lot of detail that could mean she's identified where you live, when the issue could have been described very briefly.

We moved back to the uk with a baby and toddler, we had nothing, no home furniture, toys so I get how easy it is to go crazy on your first Christmas, we did exactly the same, it actually made me feel sick when I added up what we spent. But it’s done, my DDs had so much stuff and loved it. I think at a young age your DGD won’t remember how much she got.

My DDs are older now, oldest 12yo. They remember having things but not getting them all in one go. Some toys they don’t remember at all, some they still have as we had a 3rd child so lots passed on and still in the house.

There is no expectation from my DDs, we set Santa and present rules over time, they are allowed to ask for 4 things from Santa and that’s the rule they follow.

I think yes you can go overboard but also given your DGDs age it’s not a big deal, she won’t know next year if she’s gotten less.

In your position I’d spoil my DD and DGD too.

I don’t think you should spread the gift giving out, I think that sets an expectation that DGD gets new things all the time. A one hit at her first Christmas with you is absolutely fine @starlymarly

It sounds completely overwhelming for the child, she'll get bored opening it and I say this as a reformed Christmas over doer (( stopped when ds became so overwhelmed he hid under the table for most of Christmas day ))

Give her it now but have it just set up in the house. Don't make a big thing about it. Then give the big exciting stuff such as the bike and things she'll get a lot of joy from for Christmas.

Don’t give them all for Xmas. I made the error of overdoing Xmas for years. It overwhelmed my kids who ended up not even using most of the stuff. I bought forty Barbie’s for example one Xmas. My child left most unopened plunder the tree and lots still in the boxes months later.

just give a few things early as bedroom stuff in the new house.

We went big for DD when she was 3 and she got really upset. I would perhaps just keep some aside and add them slowly.

I absolutely u derdtand the logic and emotion behind this but I think it's too much and it will overwhelm her.

You can't both somehow apologise and plaster over the perceived upset of DGD and DD hy throwing money and a joyful day at the problem.

I know you're coming at this from a good place but I think you're giving DD too much too quickly as well. I 100% get wanting to rescue her from her horrible relationship but I think you've unwittingly organised her life (from a kind place) in the same way her ex did (except his came from a bad place. You've both paid her bills, sorted out her home, set her up in a new routine, you've helped with school...I just worry that you're trying to be kind but inadvertently doing so much that your DD isn't getting the opportunity to break her own patterns of allowing others to run her life. Let her live with you, choose a school she can fund, look for a job when she is ready and save money to move out. The problem with doing it all for her is that she will be vulnerable to another man coming in, who initially looks to be as nice as you and her dad, and then taking over those things and taking her away. Just slow down. It's all too much too soon.

@starlymarly I haven't read all they replies and some of them are totally OTT. I think you should give all those gifts on Christmas, it's your first Christmas back together and will be lovely for your DGD to have those toys in her new house.
Not sure if this is the right word to say but congratulations on your DD being back and your DGD. Happy Christmas, enjoy it.

I would step in and “save” my daughter like this too. What a trauma she has been through. She’s so lucky to have you. If your daughter is onboard with everything, I would just go ahead. Ignore DH.

40 barbies! Why?

Omg I’m a big pile of gifts for Christmas person and do go mad but even my DDs who don’t get overwhelmed or bored opening presents would get bored of forty Barbie’s and I’m saying this as the mum of 3 girls who have had dozens of Barbie’s over the years. How on earth did you manage to find 40 different Barbie’s in one year, I don’t think I’ve seen 40 different Barbie’s available at any one time.

I split with my cheating partner when my son was little and had a couple of years of financial poverty. I asked my mother to get cheap Xmas presents for the same reason as your daughter. Mum gathered egg boxes, cereal packets, tissue paper and so on for months and gave it to him in a big box with paints, glue, paper scissors and brushes. It was wonderful and he and his toddler friends played model making with it all for months. I gave him some Lego and books. Everyone was happy.

I've got 3 year old twins who celebrated their birthday a month ago. With the presents from us and family they were completely overwhelmed for a few weeks and didn't really know what to play with and they didn't get that much. I think for a young child who's world has just completely changed this could be completely overwhelming. Why not give a present or two every fortnight so she builds up her toys but doesn't get it all on one day

Go for it, as others have said she won’t be able to remember how much she has next year as she is only nursery age. She has had a rubbish time and you’ve missed out on so much, I can’t see the issue, each to their own

Yanbu

This reminds me of the prodigal son parable.

Your daughter and dgd were lost to you now they're found.

Enjoy every minute and don't let scrooge get in the way.

At 18, she was groomed by an older man amd now she has emerged from a horrendous place.

(For context my daughter was groomed by an older man and became estranged briefly)

Just enjoy her. 🥰