Mother in law thinks formula is poison

[curiouslycoy]

I am now combi feeding my 12 week old.

Have to face mother in law next week and DH suggested we just sneak around hiding formula and making it upstairs out of view pretending I am feeding up there.

I am at the point where I don't see why I should have to, it's my baby, my decision but I know it's going to go down like a lead balloon.

We have another DC and last time we did sneak around with formula as only 2 feeds over night were foruma, but this time it's also one morning feed and one afternoon feed.

I didn't continue EBF for a number of reasons and am much, much happier as a result.

How do I handle this? She is mid 70s incredibly old fashioned views and makes no secret of how much she hates it. Borderline refused to ever look after DC1 as couldn't bring herself to prepare formula.....

No mum wants to be judged and I know I will be and by her much older daughter whose children are grown up but breastfed her DCs until they were over 1.

For the record DC1 was almost EBF for 12 weeks with supplement of formula towards the end, then was combi fed until 5 months before EFF.

DC2 was EBF for 7 weeks then the 10/11pm feed became formula followed by 5/6pm feed and now 10am feed. BF at 7am, 2pm and 4am.

I intend to keep up at least 1 BF feed until DC is 5 months like DC1.

How do I handle this? Give my list of excuses, sneak around or just say it's my choice and shut it down. Any other suggestions? Or AIBU to even combi feed my baby who is still so young in any case?

She could be right tbh. Read about UPFs

but you have to do what you have to do

Your DH is a proper coward if THIS was his suggestion to lighten your metal load

If he normally quite weak spined?

He needs to tell his mum in a calm and friendly manner to cut out the tutting and judgement

He needs to stand up for you

If he has a spine

But he sounds a bit weak and pathetic here tbh

If you feel this is genuinely how mil and sil will carry on do you have to go there? No way would I go and stay there if my husband expected me to sneak around while feeding my baby. I wouldn’t tolerate this at all. And now my own DC are older and I'm well past the baby stage you really do see how utterly ludicrous the whole breast v bottle nonsense is.

As so often in these cases, you have both a DH and an MIL problem.

I wouldn't be going round there, but also I'd tell whatever lie about feeding would piss her off most. The only way to deal with this sort of person is to be belligerent, so be creative. Maybe tell her you persuaded all your friends to stop breastfeeding too, or that baby is fully on solids because your breastmilk isn't enough? You know her, you'll know what would best do the job.

A DH this pathetic will be a harder problem to solve, sadly.

I’m with your MIL on this, but hopefully I wouldn’t let it show like she does.

YANBU to feed your child however suits you (provided it is safe obvs) and to ignore whatever MIL says. But personally I think you are mad - mixed feeding is a hassle and the worst of both worlds for the parents imo 🤣 You go through all the (sometimes extreme) difficulty of establishing breastfeeding (sore nipples, irregular supply, latch issues, sudden let down etc etc) , only to then have the extra hassle and expense of sterilising bottles, purchasing formula and and always remembering to bring it with you too!

I really really struggled to breastfeed and had to mix feed for the first 6 or 7 weeks. Can’t tell you what a relief it was to finally be able to stop formula feeding and EBF. DS reflux and tummy issues eased a lot (I think breast milk has health benefits up until they are about 2 years old?) and it was so much easier to stick him on the breast if he was hungry when we were out or if he was poorly or overtired - instant comfort for him (in fact I’m currently breastfeeding my 2 and a half year old to sleep as I type - he’s full of cold and miserable so wants the comfort ).

But, again YANBU to do what suits you and your child best - what suits some, isn’t going to suit everybody (as your MIL should be aware).

Why do you think this is useful. Telling me how awful preparing bottles was for you, when you know I prepare bottles for my 3 month old and have another 9 months of this journey left.

Ignore it. Making and sterilising bottles is hardly onerous. I had a breast refuser who adored a bottle. He slept through the night at four weeks and was the most chilled baby imaginable. Look at all the adults you know and you can’t tell whether they were breast or bottle fed and it doesn’t matter.

Get a perfect prep machine (or 2, I had one upstairs and downstairs) and if he isn’t fussy about bottles, mam bottles are self sterilising in the microwave and so easy to use.

I have formula fed since birth and I’m currently formula feeding twins. It isn’t awful for me at all.

Why do I think this was useful? Because I was in virtually the same position as you with the mixed feeding (except for that I was trying to pump, breast and bottle feed every two hours as a single mother to a baby with reflux and colic and didn’t have a DH to help) and was trying to show sympathy and that it can get easier. I had a lot a support from Mumsnet to try to make my life easier by encouraging me to push through to EBF so I wouldn’t have the extra work , even though I thought I should mix feed - and I appreciated their help. I was trying to help you by (lightheartedly) telling you what worked for me and making a joke of that awful time now I’m finally past it and that eventually you will be too.

And I don’t see how awful I was being by saying that your MIL is wrong to criticise you as different things are right for different people. But next time I won’t bother - if you are determined to see people in a negative light, I can’t help you 🤷‍♀️ Tbh it now makes me wonder if your MIL really is that awful… or if you are making assumptions about her like you have for me.

I could see you were trying to help. Formula is a faff. I did it for a bit due to allergies. Glad back to EBF

Definitely don’t sneak around. If she says anything at all it’s your husband’s job to say ‘we’re happy with our decision and there is no need to discuss it’, and nauseam until she winds her neck in.

@curiouslycoy I mix fed at first then did ebf from about 4 months after ds began bottle refusing, I then breastfed until he was almost two.

Combi feeding was great for when he was a newborn for us. But you need a thick skin. You'll get shite from both sides. My personal 3 highlights -

"Don't you just feel like a cow" from my mil who was baffled by me choosing to breastfeed

Breastfeeding "enthusiasts" at a baby group telling me I should stop the formula as it increased sids risk - they knew I was anxious about this because they knew he was premature and that there was a family history of sids.

Being asked to breastfeed in a corner at another baby group because I might "trigger" other mums.

Feed your baby how you want op and ignore/shut down anyone who tries to tear you down. Don't let them stop you from just enjoying your baby.

We had the opposite attitude from some in our family. It was very clear that their opinions were not being sought and that anyone who tried to cause any kind of problem, including through comments, with how I was feeding would be leaving our home.

Some things are non-negotiable and keeping your thoughts to yourself on this topic when dealing with a vulnerable new mum is one of them. Every adult who cares about you can manage this. Every single one.

It’s very clear from the OP that she doesn’t need to ‘push through’ (a very loaded term in this context even if the OP were seeking advice on this point, which she is not).

There is nothing to suggest she is determined to see anyone in a negative light. Your words were poorly chosen, and not needed.

Then why jump on me in the first place? I’m not the only person on this thread who has mentioned that they found bottles a hassle or that EBF was eventually easier for them? I was very sympathetic to her (and in my post) and not her MIL, until her reaction.

I guess it’s a mindset thing - I was in a seemingly tougher situation than the OP at the time but still appreciated all the people trying to help me on Mumsnet, even if I didn’t agree with everything they said 🤷‍♀️ “Pushing through” was one of the terms used by posters trying to help me btw and I didn’t find it “loaded” - but then again, unless I’m singled out when I’m trying to help, I generally try to assume posters mean the best.

Utter codswallop! Watered down tinned milk! The majority of my friends and acquaintances breastfed, those who didn’t used powdered formula or ready mixed. Any solids before six months ( on the advice of the health professional) were likely to be baby rice.

You can buy ready made formula. It’s more expensive but you can if you choose, it’s less faff and just stick with first infant formula so you don’t have to prepare bottles if you really don’t want to. Still need to sterilise the bottles though.
It was clear to me @IamnotwhouthinkIam was trying to be helpful. She was passing on advice that helped her when she was in the think of it.

Assuming the MIL had her children in the 80s or 90s it was pretty common to be giving Farley’s rusks, Milupa rice and jars of egg custard pudding from about 4 months on in my mother’s circle.

How do I handle this? She is mid 70s incredibly old fashioned views and makes no secret of how much she hates it

Her problem, not yours. You're the parent, making parenting decisions. Don't hide and dither around. Just carry on as you are if it works for you.

Because it's hard when you're younger and you've got an overbearing , pushy grandparent bulldozing over your views and opinions when it comes to parenting.
Then you get older and think "fuck this" and can't take it anymore 😬

@Pottedpalm if the Mother in law is in her mid 70s then she probably had her children in the 1960s or 70s.
Back then some babies were fed on watered down tinned milk.

It isn’t codswallop it’s correct. They cut the teats off of bottles and put in Farleys rusk and raw egg, my mother was encouraged to way before 6 months by health professionals because I was a “hungry” baby from birth There was non of the guilt mongering we have now re breast feeding.

Absolutely, and the fact that they were intended to be helpful is even more depressing. A woman asks for advice on how to deal with problem relatives, says nothing whatsoever to suggest she has any interest in anyone's views on her feeding choices, and is told she's mad for feeding the way she does. Ugh.

What year was this? It certainly wasn’t the advice when my peer group were having children, and breast feeding was very much encouraged.