Mother in law thinks formula is poison

[curiouslycoy]

I am now combi feeding my 12 week old.

Have to face mother in law next week and DH suggested we just sneak around hiding formula and making it upstairs out of view pretending I am feeding up there.

I am at the point where I don't see why I should have to, it's my baby, my decision but I know it's going to go down like a lead balloon.

We have another DC and last time we did sneak around with formula as only 2 feeds over night were foruma, but this time it's also one morning feed and one afternoon feed.

I didn't continue EBF for a number of reasons and am much, much happier as a result.

How do I handle this? She is mid 70s incredibly old fashioned views and makes no secret of how much she hates it. Borderline refused to ever look after DC1 as couldn't bring herself to prepare formula.....

No mum wants to be judged and I know I will be and by her much older daughter whose children are grown up but breastfed her DCs until they were over 1.

For the record DC1 was almost EBF for 12 weeks with supplement of formula towards the end, then was combi fed until 5 months before EFF.

DC2 was EBF for 7 weeks then the 10/11pm feed became formula followed by 5/6pm feed and now 10am feed. BF at 7am, 2pm and 4am.

I intend to keep up at least 1 BF feed until DC is 5 months like DC1.

How do I handle this? Give my list of excuses, sneak around or just say it's my choice and shut it down. Any other suggestions? Or AIBU to even combi feed my baby who is still so young in any case?

If you are going to formula feed then that’s your choice. It’s not MIL’s choice. And ultimately when it comes to your breasts it’s not even your DH’s choice.

You’ve made a choice, as an adult and as a parent and you will come across people who don’t agree with what you’re doing forever more. So practice whatever phrases you want to repeat.

My MIL doesn’t like that I breastfeed and asked a few times when I would stop. She looks away if I do it. Not that any boob is on show anyway.

Another poster (sorry can’t remember name) said she and her first child got their first feed from their grandmothers. That elicited a visceral reaction in me. I didn’t want anyone else to feed my baby when so young and if you don’t want to you don’t ‘have’ to let others feed your child just because you’re formula feeding. Especially not someone who is looking down on you for doing so.

Supportive would be telling his mother to butt out as it's not her child. You are doing what is best for you and YOUR child so if she tuts and rolls her eyes or makes any comments then your husband should be telling her if she can't keep her opinion on BF/FF to herself when it has nothing to do with her then she should leave.

No way should he even have suggested sneaking around, hiding it and making it upstairs so she thinks you're BF.

She’s very rude. I am very pro breast feeding, and am happy to provide support to anyone who asks for it.

If you were my DIL I would not say a word about YOUR choices on how you use YOUR body to feed YOUR baby.

Don’t sneak around her, she’s a bully who needs to be told her opinion is not wanted. If she’s huffing and puffing just leave.

Really hate people who have such wild and loud opinions on what is essentially none of their business. Don’t hide it though- it is your choice and if people feel differently just remind them of that fact. I went through it all with ff my ds but he just couldn’t bf no matter how hard I tried and manually expressing when he slept and not sleeping myself was not working. I got the comments initially but eventually they just learnt to accept my choice. But it really annoys me people feeling free to comment on things they have no right to.

Your DH needs to tell her straight. Your baby is yours and his and you will feed her as you see fit. It is none of her business how your baby is fed as long as she is thriving.

I breastfed until 6 months and it was tough going. In the end even my DF said it just had to stop.

I was only formula fed and that was a lifetime ago when formula wasn't as good but the important thing was I was fed.

The formulas now are fabulous and mimic breast milk.

‘This is the decision i/we have made as parents, and we won’t be discussing it further’

Repeat as necessary.

Your DH needs to stand up to his mother and sister. He tells them any criticism or negativity about how your children are fed and you will all leave. Don’t skulk about making feeds, do it openly, she wants to see you being scared of her.
I don’t get these women at all. We’ve had our children, we chose how to feed them. Grandchildren don’t belong to us, we’re guests in their lives, not dictators.

Do NOT go!!!! You know it's going to end in tears, most likely your own.

Just to reassure you, when baby DD was seeing her consultant (Professor) and I mentioned that I'd had to change to formula due to my (essential) medication, he said to me that modern formula such as Aptamil Gold for example, is in many ways, more advanced than breast milk.
Unless the mother is living on a diet containing nothing besides mountains of fresh fish, tonnes of seeds and raw veg etc. Plus formula these days contain added DHA & ARA for immunity, omega 3 oils, ProBiotics and Iron alongside all the vitamins & minerals they need.

Whereas breastmilk, although it contains the mother's immunity, as far as nutrients are concerned it only contains a reflection of the mother's diet and most adults in the UK are deficient in many vitamins, especially vitamin D. He also said that any supplements a mother takes don't usually cross into breastmilk which I was surprised at.

I'm sure I'll get replies declaring this to be 'nonsense' but I'll take the highly well regarded Professor's word for it on this occasion.

Why bother breast feeding at all if you want to use formula?
If you can breast feed, why bother with manufacturers mixes?

That’s as much your business as it is MiL’s, ie not at all.

But why should she lie? She’s a grown woman and not a naughty child who has done something wrong. Her MIL needs to get a firm grip.

Because its still good for baby to have breast milk

What a load of rubbish. Breastmilk is more nutritional than formula and better for baby!

I would get there. Put all my formula bits, bottles, steriliser etc. in the kitchen. Then if she says anything or gives me the eye roll etc. I would call her out on it. I would make it clear that she does not get a say in how I feed my children and if she has a problem with me being happy and healthy then we can go home.

Sorry but that is bollox. Formula is not the same as breast milk and is not better. Breast milk is a living source of food that adapts to the baby's needs etc. gives them antibodies develops their gut health and so on. formula is a good second and is a valid choice for anyone for any reason they want to use it but please don't go spouting rubbish that isn't true.

There are many reasons people might combi feed.

For example, my DC was primarily breastfed but had some formula. Those formula feeds meant DH could take DC out and I could sleep for a few hours at a time and not feel like I was going to die from exhaustion. They helped a lot. DC needed a lot of milk, and I physically couldn't express or stay awake without sleep enough to meet that need 100% of the time.

This. I wouldn't leave it until you see her as you don't want an argument on the day. And she needs to know that if she starts being judgy, you will walk out.

@VegTrug that professor is stuck in the 80s when this was a common view. Science has moved on. This is complete nonsense.

@VegTrug just because someone is a professor that doesn't mean he can't be wrong. In this case, he is.

She's be getting it loud from me.
"I'm so glad I made this choice MIL"
"DH is able to share the load with me and he's so caring with it"
"Baby is so much more settled now"
"We are all so much more peaceful now we've settled into a good feeding routine WITH FORUMLA"
etc etc

I agree with this, bye MIL

She sounds awful! Definitely don't hide!!

OP didn't ask to be questioned on her choices

DH needs to say sometime before the visit,
"Mum you know CC was a bit upset about your comments to her about giving DC1 formula. I'm so proud of her for continuing BF DC2 in spite of all the problems she's had with it, and I thought I'd flag up now that it is being topped up with formula. Please don't comment on it to her, as I don't want her upset again."

Does your DH avoid conflict in every day life or just with his mother?

It's your baby, your house, your family life, no one should be judging or even commenting on your parenting choices.

If mil/sil say anything your DH needs to tell them they are being rude and it's not acceptable.

I can’t believe you’re proposing sneaking around like this.

There is nothing wrong with formula.

And it’s got absolutely fuck all to do with your MIL.

If she even mentioned it I’d shut her down immediately.