Mother in law thinks formula is poison

[curiouslycoy]

I am now combi feeding my 12 week old.

Have to face mother in law next week and DH suggested we just sneak around hiding formula and making it upstairs out of view pretending I am feeding up there.

I am at the point where I don't see why I should have to, it's my baby, my decision but I know it's going to go down like a lead balloon.

We have another DC and last time we did sneak around with formula as only 2 feeds over night were foruma, but this time it's also one morning feed and one afternoon feed.

I didn't continue EBF for a number of reasons and am much, much happier as a result.

How do I handle this? She is mid 70s incredibly old fashioned views and makes no secret of how much she hates it. Borderline refused to ever look after DC1 as couldn't bring herself to prepare formula.....

No mum wants to be judged and I know I will be and by her much older daughter whose children are grown up but breastfed her DCs until they were over 1.

For the record DC1 was almost EBF for 12 weeks with supplement of formula towards the end, then was combi fed until 5 months before EFF.

DC2 was EBF for 7 weeks then the 10/11pm feed became formula followed by 5/6pm feed and now 10am feed. BF at 7am, 2pm and 4am.

I intend to keep up at least 1 BF feed until DC is 5 months like DC1.

How do I handle this? Give my list of excuses, sneak around or just say it's my choice and shut it down. Any other suggestions? Or AIBU to even combi feed my baby who is still so young in any case?

I think there are 3 responses if she mentions anything...

1. Yes we're combi feeding, would you like to give baby a feed?

1. Yes we're combi feeding. I know you might not agree but please respect our decision as baby's parents.

1. MiL, get fucked.

You can choose one as appropriate for your relationship.

Ask your DH to step up!

You should not feel the need to hide any of your parenting choices .
You are a responsible, loving experienced parent. This is how you care for your family.

This is your DH’s issue to deal with and I would tell him I will not be made to feel I have to hide my parenting as if I was an abuser.

And if he won’t, I would.

“This is the decision we (WE) have made and we are happy with it. I understand you have a different opinion, which is fine, but you have explained it now and we don’t need to have the conversation again “

If she carries on, I would actually leave, if at her house.

If she is at yours I would say “it doesn’t sit right with me to be judged and criticised in my own home so feel free to go home if you insist on continuing this conversation “

You don’t need a list of excuses, you need to learn how to assert yourself.

It’s not old fashioned to be pro breastfeeding.

That aside, don’t hide it like it’s something you are ashamed of. Just get on and feed your baby in the way you have chosen and if she criticises tell her it’s none of her business.

It makes me so mad when other judge mothers on how they feed their babies. It's great if you can breast feed but formula also makes you a mother with a 'fed' baby.

Lots of good advice about standing up to your MIL but on a practical basis, perhaps try the prepared formula in the small cartons. For a few days over Christmas it will save an awful lot of faffing around.

DH suggested we just sneak around hiding formula and making it upstairs out of view pretending I am feeding up there

Good god, your DH needs to grow up and tell his mother to keep her nose out of your business. He should be supporting you, not suggesting that you sneak around to appease his mother. If his mother can't keep her unwelcome opinions to herself, then he should be telling her to leave.

I agree with this really. I formula fed my DC and there’s no way I would be sneaking about or trying to justify my decisions to people who are hostile to FF. Luckily nobody I know would have been rude enough to criticise me but if they had done they would have been given short shrift. I’m sorry you’re being treated this way OP.

Her age has nothing to do with her attitude, if it wasn’t this I’m sure she would find something else to ‘give opinion’ about.
My grandmother was older than that and loved being able to feed her great grandchild.
Do not sneak around and hide away. Formula is nothing to be ashamed off.
Without formula DD would have died of starvation. She was unable to feed and expressing didn’t work.

Your DH should be standing up to his mother and protecting you.

You feed your baby as you want and if she makes a rude / unpleasant comment then you tell her to leave.

simple. She doesn’t get to be rude and unpleasant with zero consequences

Yeah just own it. It's not really her business how you feed your children. You already know her opinion, so she doesn't have to keep telling you and if she does it's just criticism for the sake of wearing you down. Just tell her you aren't interested in hearing it.

Anyway your baby is being breastfed, just not exclusively, so she should be happy enough with that.

I will come too.
I FF and am generally known as "feisty" so nobody dared to comment (apart from 1 complete stranger who regretted it pretty quickly) BUT i have friends and family who had a hard time because of their decision.
No sneaking OP and its time your DH stood up to his Mummy

I’d laugh in her face and say “interesting view point” with a pronounced eye roll. (I’m quite immature but fine with that).

Sneaking around making formula so the MIL doesn’t see? No way, absolutely not. You should have told her and your husband to fuck off the first time when they suggested you shouldn’t give it to your other children. Now you’ve just made a rod for your own backs.

As someone who spent the first couple of months formula feeding in hiding, (e.g. in the car), because I was too ashamed to do it in public, I want to ram her face into an open tin of formula powder on your behalf. I realise that’s not helpful but seriously, don’t hide yourself in any way, she sounds like a judgemental old bat and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

No sneaking around. When she says something you tell her she had her chance to raise her kids back in the days and she has no say how you TC yours.

I amn100% for breastfeeding. However, the only perrson I have the right to decide this for is me... I dont judge others on their choice as its their choice.

Everyone else gets to chose for themselves.
Tell mil to stop the comments if she can't say anything nice don't comment.

.don't sneak around.

Have to face mother in law next week and DH suggested we just sneak around hiding formula and making it upstairs out of view pretending I am feeding up there

Your husband is absolutely pathetic. Why on earth hasn’t he told her to keep her opinions to herself years ago?

You do know op, you don’t have to face her at all? You can opt out of visits for any reason. You don’t have to join in and be as scared of her as your gutless husband is.

It’s none of her business, and she gets absolutely zero say. You tell your husband that he either tells his mother to mind her own business about how you feed your own child or she stays away from the house. Warn him that if he doesn’t, then the first peep you hear from her will send you nuclear. Follow through on it.

Isn't it a shame, I've seen women hide themselves breastfeeding babies in empty rooms and under covers, and we also have formula feeding hidden by sneaking around. Everyone should be able to feed their kids without comment or shame from other people.

Absolutely.

I went with option 1 when my MIL realised I wasn't breastfeeding when we went round to hers when baby 1 was a few weeks old. She 'recovered' from the realisation instantly and happily took the baby and bottle from me and happily did so for every visit going forward. Everyone was happy.

I wouldn’t bring it up as a topic, but I also wouldn’t hide it.

But knowing how MIL is, I’d have some fun with it. I’d get DH to do the first feed in front of her, and when she comments DH should respond asking ‘how exactly he should breastfeed his child given that the nipples his DM birthed him with are useless!?’

If it’s got sunflower or any other vegetable oil in it then it’s toxic, coconut oil is better as it’s saturated.

We are going to theirs. DH fully supports FF and has told me multiple times to stop BF as he can see how hard it is.

I had an over supply and when I was doing 7 feeds a day my life revolved around eating and drinking water between feeds, I had no life. If I tried to go out and do something and took my eye off the ball I'd have headaches, dizziness, and if I didn't eat enough in the day then I would get insomnia. Often coming downstairs at 1am having not slept trying to eat before the next feed. I was miserable. He was struggling to see me like that. I'm so much happier having every other feed not coming from my body.

DH is very supportive and has seen it all unfold and is happy to tell his mum but it's me who is worried and he suggested it so I would lose some of the mental load. I'm ready to face her now though but still can't take the tuts and eyes on me, she isn't particularly vocal but very suggestive with her body language and such.

Anything negative at all then stand up and leave. Don’t justify or anything, why you are formula feeding is no one’s business.