Mother in law thinks formula is poison

[curiouslycoy]

I am now combi feeding my 12 week old.

Have to face mother in law next week and DH suggested we just sneak around hiding formula and making it upstairs out of view pretending I am feeding up there.

I am at the point where I don't see why I should have to, it's my baby, my decision but I know it's going to go down like a lead balloon.

We have another DC and last time we did sneak around with formula as only 2 feeds over night were foruma, but this time it's also one morning feed and one afternoon feed.

I didn't continue EBF for a number of reasons and am much, much happier as a result.

How do I handle this? She is mid 70s incredibly old fashioned views and makes no secret of how much she hates it. Borderline refused to ever look after DC1 as couldn't bring herself to prepare formula.....

No mum wants to be judged and I know I will be and by her much older daughter whose children are grown up but breastfed her DCs until they were over 1.

For the record DC1 was almost EBF for 12 weeks with supplement of formula towards the end, then was combi fed until 5 months before EFF.

DC2 was EBF for 7 weeks then the 10/11pm feed became formula followed by 5/6pm feed and now 10am feed. BF at 7am, 2pm and 4am.

I intend to keep up at least 1 BF feed until DC is 5 months like DC1.

How do I handle this? Give my list of excuses, sneak around or just say it's my choice and shut it down. Any other suggestions? Or AIBU to even combi feed my baby who is still so young in any case?

DH needs to talk to her before she comes.

"Mum, I wanted to let you know that we are combi feeding baby and I know your opinions on formula but I don't want you to make any comments about it while you're visiting. We've made the decision that's best for us and we are happy with it. Looking forward to seeing you"

I did this with my dad when I had tattoos and was going on holiday with him so he was going to see them. He's a notoriously opinionated man but he kept his mouth shut.

Feed in the way that works for your family. If it's a problem for her, reassure her she doesn't have to drink it.

Tell her not to drink it then!

She's mid-70s not mid-90s!!

She might be very wrong with her attitude (she is!)

But she wasn't using watered down tinned milk!

OP you absolutely don’t need to explain yourself to anyone, including your MIL. She’s not the head of the anti formula task force!!. No one should have an opinion on how you feed your own child. As suggested above, your husband needs to tell her to keep her opinions to herself, otherwise I would not be going to her house, where I would not be welcome to be myself, and comfortable with my baby.

I would proudly stick the formula tub on top of the Xmas tree, it's none of her bloody business. DH needs to grow pair and not tolerate any BS from his Mother.

Otherwise, get your coat on and head off out for a nice lunch leaving DH with the kids.

If she really pisses you off, take the kids with you.

I chose to never use formula for two of my three children out of ethical objections to formula companies and their marketing, and also because I just hate the idea of it for MY children, but even I think your MIL is nuts. Pretend you don't know what she thinks. If she says anything just smile and nod and ignore.

She sounds silly.

The attitude you describe isn't as old fashioned as you think. When my 75 yo mother had her children, post natal wards had a breastfeeding nurse and a bottle feeding nurse who would teach women to feed in their preferred way before they left the hospital. I suspect there was far less rigidity about what mums should do than there has been in the last 20-30 years or so, so it is surprising to me that someone her age is so extreme on this.

Anyway, don't sneak around like you are doing something wrong when you are not. Unless she or your DH proposes to start lactating you need to feed your children however works for you and your family. I'm sure she'd prefer them to be fed than not. If she is unpleasant about it you don't need to visit and I think your DH needs to grow a pair on this one and make clear your shared position.

Tell her she doesn't have to drink it and that you're going to feed your baby in whatever way works best for your family

Don't sneak around.

Explain about your oversupply and that medically you've been told to not feed as much because there is a risk to your health. Warn her once that any judgemental comments and you will leave. Then if she makes any comments, leave.

Your husband should phone her, tell her you are mixed feeding and if she's going to be a twat about it she should stay at home

There is absolutely nothing wrong with FF. It is Mum's choice how she feeds HER baby; you don't need to justify YOUR choices either; it isn't her business, don't explain why. This has nothing to do with MIL. Don't sneak about, feed baby infront of her confidently with the bottle.
If MIL says anything rude, remind her that it is detrimental to a baby's development for the Mother to neglect her own health and what she is comfortable with; fed is best. Then get your dh to have words to tell her in no uncertain terms to change her attitude, if she wants to come over again.
I wouldn't say anything beforehand, as MIL may not say a thing.

I’d get DH to phone her beforehand and say the baby is combi fed, we know your opinion on formula, wife is sensitive about it and keep your mouth shut or we’ll be walking straight back out the door again! (Politeness variable)

Sneaking about is madness. It implies you’re ashamed.

We all have our reasons for how we feed our babies, but many women find bf challenging for various different reasons (and some just don’t want to and that’s fine too). The most important thing is that the baby and mother are healthy and happy.

Are your DC healthy and thriving? That is all that matters, FED is best whether that's from a boob or a bottle! I wouldn't sneak around and I wouldn't be slow in telling her to fuck off if she starts any nonsense!

She's entitled to her opinions and to have made feeding decisions for her own children when they were at that stage, but not yours.
I agree with those who have said that your husband needs to speak to her beforehand. I'd go for something like "Mum, we know your views on feeding but our baby is being mixed fed. We've got our reasons, we're happy with the decision and nothing is going to change that so please let's not spoil Christmas by making an issue over it pointlessly."
I definitely wouldn't try to hide anything - that just makes it look like you're ashamed and will encourage her behaviour.
I do have some sympathy with her if she doesn't want to feed the baby herself though. I've never given a baby a bottle or made up formula and am somewhat out of practice with newborns so I would be anxious about doing something wrong and would prefer to leave it to the parents.

Can you make some up in bottles in advance? If she asks, just say its expressed milk?

You're a generation out, I think with the watered down tinned milk. I have 70+ year old friends who would never have done such a thing. I think you must be thinking pre-war. Could be wrong, obviously
With formula, I think one should do what suits mum and baby best. My DD was very early and formula fed a bit as well as boob. It makes life so much simpler if the baby will take both.

This sounds good. I'd be tempted to truncate it a little more with every repetition, till you're down to "shut up, Gladioli." The OP can, of course, use stronger language if she prefers.😁

No, op doesn't have to lie, there is absolutely no shame in formula feeding. This just perpetuates the misconception that there should be.

I agree with this. Have DH phone her beforehand & lay out the rules.
"Mum, we are feeding DC2 in the ways that work best for our family. I will no tolerate any negative comments about our choices to either myself or my wife. If I hear one word out of you or sister then we will be leaving immediately and you will not see DC2 until they are on solids or you can behave."

Then follow through.

I think your DH should have an honest conversation with her, preferably before you visit. And the conversation should include that he fully supports you, that he actually suggested it, AND definitely that if she behaves badly about it that you will be packing up and leaving.

She can feel however she wants about formula. She cannot attempt to make you feel bad about what works best for you.

Do whatever you want but don't expect free childcare

I wouldn't be staying with her or seeing her

This is great! DH also needs to be prepared to pick her up on any non-verbals, e.g. disapproving looks. It is none of her business how you feed your baby.

You don't need to do anything . Your husband needs to talk to them both and support you .
This is one of those things that further down the line will cause resentment.