Mother in law thinks formula is poison

[curiouslycoy]

I am now combi feeding my 12 week old.

Have to face mother in law next week and DH suggested we just sneak around hiding formula and making it upstairs out of view pretending I am feeding up there.

I am at the point where I don't see why I should have to, it's my baby, my decision but I know it's going to go down like a lead balloon.

We have another DC and last time we did sneak around with formula as only 2 feeds over night were foruma, but this time it's also one morning feed and one afternoon feed.

I didn't continue EBF for a number of reasons and am much, much happier as a result.

How do I handle this? She is mid 70s incredibly old fashioned views and makes no secret of how much she hates it. Borderline refused to ever look after DC1 as couldn't bring herself to prepare formula.....

No mum wants to be judged and I know I will be and by her much older daughter whose children are grown up but breastfed her DCs until they were over 1.

For the record DC1 was almost EBF for 12 weeks with supplement of formula towards the end, then was combi fed until 5 months before EFF.

DC2 was EBF for 7 weeks then the 10/11pm feed became formula followed by 5/6pm feed and now 10am feed. BF at 7am, 2pm and 4am.

I intend to keep up at least 1 BF feed until DC is 5 months like DC1.

How do I handle this? Give my list of excuses, sneak around or just say it's my choice and shut it down. Any other suggestions? Or AIBU to even combi feed my baby who is still so young in any case?

Oh my god my mum is like this! I tried and tried to breastfeed and we just couldn't get it. So I expressed for 6 months and honestly it was terrible, I'd never do it again. She blamed everything from colds, excema, allergies etc etc to the fact I was formula feeding. I wouldn't hide it from her, and every time she mentions anything just say "breastfeeding wasn't for us"
"Formula is fine for babies"
"Fed is best"
I wouldn't even get into a debate with her tbh. Good luck!!

Oh my god my mum is like this! I tried and tried to breastfeed and we just couldn't get it. So I expressed for 6 months and honestly it was terrible, I'd never do it again. She blamed everything from colds, excema, allergies etc etc to the fact I was formula feeding. I wouldn't hide it from her, and every time she mentions anything just say "breastfeeding wasn't for us"
"Formula is fine for babies"
"Fed is best"
I wouldn't even get into a debate with her tbh. Good luck!!

Just feed your baby in what way is normal for you. Hiding formula is just silly.

I had the opposite my MIL didn't like the idea of breastfeeding. She would to ask me to leave the room if I was feeding (at her house). I was more than happy to go upstairs and feed my babies in a calm environment.
It was amazing how often baby needed breastfeeding on demand at her house!

Feed your baby and ignore any disapproval.
DH can forget his sneaky ideas of hiding formula.

Don’t sneak around. There’s nothing shameful about formula feeding.

One negative comment and tell her she must leave.

Rip the band aid off otherwise it’s going to cause nerves each time. She’s entitled to her opinion (even if it’s wrong), yes breastfeeding is scientifically better but formula isn’t poison. If she starts just agree to disagree.

I’ve breastfed for years and love it. I still think formula is life saving medicine for babies and it’s literally no one’s business how you feed your baby. Tell DH to tell her to be supportive or dont come.

Your MIL is ridiculous. If anything, shouldn’t she be happy that she can help feed her grandchild? My mother have the first ever feed to my baby (as my gran did to me) and it was a lovely experience.
No way should you hide anything. Park baby in DH lap and say loudly, I will go and get the bottle. And a glass of wine for me while I am at it! (You deserve one)

Just tell her to mind her own business , and being 70+ has nothing to do with it , my mum formula fed all of us and we were born in the 60s .

How bizarre you'd even consider 'sneak feeding'. It's ridiculous. She has no right to voice her opinion on the subject and if she does, firmly, politely, assertively tell her it's your choice. And you will not be discussing it with her whatsoever. If she carries on, stick to your guns and leave.

Your husband needs to be telling her to butt out as well. No idea why he has such a lack of back bone to fail to defend your mutual parenting decisions. Not that he should have to.

Of course don't sneak around.
You and your DH are grown adults and parents to multiple DC. Your MIL can disagree with your choices all she likes but she doesn't get to make them for you.

Is she visiting you or are you visiting her?

In your shoes I would just be up front about it if you are expecting her to criticise you. Get it out of the way. Let her express her opinion and then say "thanks but we didn't ask and this is what we have decided to do".

She is overstepping if she continues criticising you.

Mothers can't win, can we?

Just to say in response that I EBF my son for 6 months, and am still B-feeding him now (19 months) and he has eczema, an allergy and has had colds non-stop this winter. Breastfeeding is not an elixir for baby health.

To the OP, please don't hide away. She has no right to make you feel uncomfortable. This is your child, not hers.

Not to give your MIL too much sympathy - as no one should be making you feel like this - but I think it can be hard to be a MIL when there's a baby. I got a lot of advice from my mother, but I really didn't like getting unwarranted advice at all from my MIL (who is lovely) - it just felt like she was judging me, even if she wasn't.

I'm not a fan of formula milk if the mother hasn't at least tried to breastfeed (excluding medical conditions) but it's not my business to dictate what other women do.

Why on earth are you pretending to breastfeed? That's just as pathetic as her going on about how you feed your baby.

Pull yourself together and tell her that you'll feed your baby what you want and she can leave if she doesn't like it. Her loss.

I’d ask DH to phone her in advance and tell her the situation and that you, the mother of his child, have is full support and he won’t tolerate any criticism of you at all, at this vulnerable time in your lives. If he’s not able to do that, I’d keep any interactions very brief, no overnight.

I would not be hiding it, and your DH needs to grow a pair and tell his mother to butt out if she starts with the comments

a happy baby is a fed baby either breast milk or formula

If she starts it oh mil we do whats best for us all, please stop and if she carries on her bags would be packed and she would be sent home never to be invited again

Tell her when she has her next baby not to feed him or her formula but right now you will do what’s best for your family.

"Mildred, the way we choose to feed our baby is not open for discussion. You are entitled to feel strongly about this but please keep it to yourself. " change topic. Repeat ad infinitum until she gets the message.

The real issue here though is why the actual fuck your dh is suggesting you sneak around and lie and hide it instead of calling his interfering mother out and shutting it down? He needs to step up and have your back instead of pandering to her.

I ebf and I think you'd need to be pretty ill informed to think formula is the devil. It's the reason why many babies and mothers have survived over the years and it's a perfectly acceptable alternative if someone cannot or chooses not to breastfeed. Plus combi feeding is breastfeeding. Breastfeeding does not only look like a baby latched to the breast for every feed it looks like pumping and expressing/ combi feeding/triple feeding/ feeding with shields/exclusive pumping etc etc etc.

This Is not on. This has nothing to do with your MIL. You don’t have bow down to her and her backward Victorian mentality. You are a grown woman, and it’s your decision how you feed your baby. I would point blank refuse to see her until she agrees to keep her nonsense beliefs to herself.

Husband needs to call her up and tell her the baby is being fed as you and he see fit. End of. "Mum, if you say ANYTHING about how our baby is fed, or how breastfeeding is best (in your opinion), or how formula is bad for babies, we will pack up and leave immediately and never visit you again. You need to take this on board now. Because we're done tiptoeing around you on this issue."

I had the opposite problem with my DM and MIL, but the same solution applies: it isn't their business. You do what works for you and your baby, end of story.

Former breastfeeding support worker here.

Do not give yourself permission to feel ashamed or embarrassed about your choices. If bottle feeding is working for you, then let MIL know that.

I used to work in breastfeeding support not to force breastfeeding on anyone, but to support mothers to do what was right for them. You're happy with your choices. Enjoy your baby.

Over the coming years people with have opinions on what you feed your child, how you dress them, whether you sleep train or not, what nursery or school you choose. The list goes on. If you let people get inside your head now there will be no end to it.

There is rarely one way of doing anything. But there's usually a good choice for you and your family. Just ensure you and DH put on a united front of "this works best for us"

You don't need to justify your feeding decisions to anyone.

Your husband needs to step in....tell his mother and sister that this the decision to have made that's right for you as a family and if they can't keep their opinions to themselves you will have to give visiting them a miss this year.

What a weird situation. What are you scared of?

I would not respond or engage with any conversation about it. Any comments met with silence and internal reminder to yourself she is rude rather than feeling criticised. Easiest for a quiet life, but if it does upset you definitely speak up or leave.

Definitely do not lie and hide it. Your baby, your choice!
If she starts tell her you won't be discussing this. If she continues then tell her she will need to leave.

Why would you sneak around while she "makes no secret"?

Who made her the boss?