People turning up without warning- rude?

[notedbiscuits]

I find this behaviour rude and thoughtless. As the homeowners may have plans themselves or in the midst of a cooking marathon esp this time of the year.

Be nicer for them to message/call saying are you available to have a chat as in the area etc.

If you are one of those people who turn up at others without informing them first. Why do you do it?

I'm on the fence about whether it's rude or not, but personally it would be very unwelcome and I'd never do it to anyone else. Nothing to do with being too busy or the house being untidy, but my home is my sanctuary and as a general rule I don't like having people here outside of our immediate family. Our Ddogs are also not used to visitors and our older rescue in particular gets quite stressed out. If someone was to turn up unannounced (which has never actually happened), they wouldn't be coming in. Fortunately DH feels the same.

It's rude, and they are telling you their time is more valuable than yours. How can it be anything but rude.

Maybe when I retire, I will find it a delight. Nowadays, I haven't got the time. I have kids to juggle, work to do and I have plans! I'd be fuming if i have to cancel my run because some bored visitor wants to be entertained, and my plans for the day are messed up.

If I am up to date with work, then yes, do pop in after 10pm - kids are in bed, and 1 hour chat will be lovely. Any earlier, you are a nuisance.

If you are one of those people who turn up at others without informing them first. Why do you do it?

Your post lacks context - has this happened to you, or are you getting outraged on someone else's behalf?

I grew up in an era where people would frequently drop round, but then not everyone had telephones in their house, and mobile phones were a thing of fantasy, so if someone was in the area then it was perfectly normal for them to ring the doorbell ad hoc, as ringing ahead was almost impossible.

These days I know who I can just drop in on and who I can't, and if I have no intention of going in to the house (say if I'm dropping something off) I won't think twice about just turning up.

My best friend lives about 20 miles from me, and is impossible to talk to on the phone or whatsaap. Just about the only way I can speak to her is to turn up unannounced, and I'm never made to feel unwelcome.

So it's horses for courses - I could ask you why you think you're in the right to dislike people taking time out of their lives to spend it with you.

Of course it's normal.

If I am in the middle of something, I am not interrupting my day.

I could be: in the middle of a work call/ in the shower/ bleaching my moustache/ in the middle of cooking, in the middle of a home workout, in the loft getting stuff.. basically busy.

If I see on the CCTV it's not a kid who forgot his key or a delivery driver who MUST get a signature - very rare - then no, I don't drop everything and rush to open.

WHO thinks they are so important everyone else has to rush to greet them? That's not normal 😂

I hate it. My home is my safe space.
The letting agent in my old home just turned up one day, unannounced. They had a key so let themselves in. I was just sat there in my PJs.
Another time, my door was unlocked, and man just walked into my house. Nothing nefarious... was a case of wrong house.

Obviously, I keep my door locked at all times now. It is basic manners to give someone notice that you are going to visit. If I am in the middle of something, it is very hard for me to get back on track and continue with what I was doing once I have been disturbed.

IMO YANBU. I was brought up to believe this to be inconsiderate and not to do it. My DH, on the other hand, thinks it's fine to drop in unannounced. I remember, years ago, when we were staying with his parents and he wanted to visit an uncle and aunt who lived nearby. I suggested he give them a quick call to check it was convenient for them, but he refused, said I was making a fuss about nothing and insisted it would be fine. So, we turned up and it was ages before they answered the door ..... No, not what you're all thinking! 😂It was late autumn and they were tidying up their enormous garden; leaf-gathering, pruning, etc, dressed in their scruffs and welly boots. They graciously put the kettle on and we made small talk in their kitchen, but it couldn't have been clearer they'd rather we hadn't interrupted their day. After we left I made it clear to DH that I would never allow him to put me in that embarrassing position again (and I never have).
*I should point out, this uncle and aunt were the most amazing, generous, gracious hosts if you went for a pre-arranged visit. 😊

I think it depends on four main factors:

1. Culture. Many cultures dropping by us almost automatic. So it's common to have stuff in the house you can always serve and dropping round is a sign that you are part of the family/friends circle.
2. Community. Much more normal and accepted if you all live close and are in constant contact, so it's not a big deal if you're not there or busy, because they make some big trip, and will bump into you at the coop in the afternoon, instead
3. How busy you are or rigid your schedule. If you're a stay at home parent, or retired, you may well welcome the company and/or help, and not be struggling to meet a specific deadline or trying to be in an official call/get to a meeting etc... so a disruption to the 'schedule' can be less of a big deal.
4. Introversion. If you generally think of human contact as a welcome, enriching thing, you are more likely to welcome unexpected contact. If you're a serious introvert and solitude is your oxygen, there are few things you would hate more.

I don't think it's fair to say dropping by is blanket rude, but that it's good to think about the above before you do it!

It really depends who it is, closest friends and family totally fine, anyone one else I’d expect to be notified.
I think the issue is that these days people tend to be in comfy “indoor clothes” when they are are chilling out home, and would rather be a bit more presentable for visitors. That’s my issue anyway, don’t mind my kids or bestie seeing me slobbing about in my joggers and oodie, but rather not inflict the sight on anyone else.

I don't think people see it as their time being more valuable - it's more "I'm in the neighbourhood so I wonder if Jane is in for a catch-up". Just a spur-of-the-moment decision rather than a deliberate ploy to piss you off.

I also think most of the "popper inners" are quite happy to be told "sorry, we're busy", so if you genuinely don't want to stop, they don't actually care. They'll just head off to do something else.

I love unexpected callers.

If I am in the middle of something, I am not interrupting my day.

This is so arrogant, so lacking in give and take. Honestly, if you want to have good relationships with other people, whether friends or just members of the public, it's give and take. This idea of never putting yourself out for anyone else in any situation whatsoever is just so alien to me.

I don't think it's "rude". I think how nice that they wanted to pop in and see me. If it's not convenient, I either don't answer the door or I say "So sorry, I'm just doing x, y and z and my hands are a bit full. We'll see you soon ok?" and they go on their way.

It's called friendship and community.~

All those MNers saying it's "rude" sound arrogant to me - "I'm so special and important that you need to book me in advance".

hahaha

If you are on the phone with a call centre worker, who happens to be working from home, and they hang up because Susan has decided she was bored and needed entertaining without pre-warning, see how understanding you are.

You jump out of the shower with hair full of shampoo to answer the door, do you really?

I do have good relationship with people, they are as busy as me, if not more. They have manners.

Yes, this! I would be really embarrassed. I like to get people something in return whether they "expect" it or not! It would cause me a headache trying to frantically get something delivered back to them, or having to go over at a time I'm busy, with plans. Arrange a coffee/or lunch to exchange cards at least, then the friend may get the idea that a gift may be involved. Or do it well in advance. Too close to Christmas now.

All those MNers saying it's "rude" sound arrogant to me - "I'm so special and important that you need to book me in advance".

no, just busy.

I am not bothering you or claiming to be anything, why can't you just let me be?
You are the special and arrogant one, expecting others to drop everything for you. I am not asking anything from you.

Just a tip for those who take the wired bras off at home , try a stretchy one like a sports bra but softer. I am on medical leave and my door is like a royal mail delivery office. I am very full chested and the DH gets them off amazon. Four for £20. I've got a inflamed gallbladder and they don't press on my rib cage at all. They just stop me swinging low.

As for the assertion that "people are more busy nowadays", is that true? Haven't people always been busy?

People are just over stimulated I think. Surely sitting back with a cup of tea and chat with a friend is good for you?

Yes me too. Friend turns up - great. In-laws , not so good, but it rather depends on their attitude to ‘take me as you find me’. I mean it literally, MIL never understood why the best chine and the doilies were not forthcoming. 🤷🏻‍♀️

How do you know what I do?!

I love when people pop round 😊 my SIL has that kind of house where people just go round all the time, you just help yourself to a drink, I'm jealous!

Um, wrong thread? 😂

Nobody is saying you have to hang up on a work call or leap to the door naked, though, are they?

Personally, I think it's lovely that people think of me and pop round to my house to spend time with me like that.

Most people are not just out of the shower or working at home as a call centre worker when someone rings at the door. Most people are just downright antisocial, resent that an appointment hasn't been booked, or don't want anyone crossing the threshold into "their sanctuary".

If that's you, own it. At least acknowledge your reasons rather than dressing it up in oh i'm always SOOOOO busy at home I just don't have 30 seconds ever to answer the door.

I'd rather people respect my time and personal space and send me a message in advance, because I really value these things. Doesn't mean I love people less, just means I can be more energised and present for them if I can have some notice. Randomly dropping by makes me feel pressured and irritated (particularly if I'm in the middle of something) and like my time doesn't matter to the other person. Sending a text to see if I'm free, then dropping by once it's been confirmed it's convenient makes me feel more understood and valued.

It just seems more practical to me too. If I'm on the phone on a long call to someone else, extremely busy or have gone out then it's a wasted visit for the other person anyway. If you arrange it for a mutually convenient date and time then everyone knows where they stand and can have time for each other. Quality, planned time like this actually feels more special to me.

I do wonder if there's a connection between people being "too busy" to answer the door and all the threads about people who are lonely and have nobody to call on in the event of an emergency.