People turning up without warning- rude?

[notedbiscuits]

I find this behaviour rude and thoughtless. As the homeowners may have plans themselves or in the midst of a cooking marathon esp this time of the year.

Be nicer for them to message/call saying are you available to have a chat as in the area etc.

If you are one of those people who turn up at others without informing them first. Why do you do it?

Most people don’t answer the door?? What normal person refuses to answer the door because they haven’t issued any invitations / appointments that day?

Most of mumsnet.

Then start loads of threads bitching about missed deliveries, or grumpy neighbours or how they don't have any friends.

Agree I don't like drop ins. But I think it was far more normal when I was younger - people have definitely become more hermit like since the pandemic (me included). I might have found myself in someone's neighbourhood and rung the doorbell in case they were in - no mobiles back then. I'd only do it to good friends.
Now of course there's no excuse not to pre warn them - even a 'hey I'm just down the road at Lidl's are you free if I drop by in 20 minutes'? No awkwardness on either side then and gives them a chance to do a quick tidy if so inclined.

I find this to be a massive cultural difference. I'm not from British culture and random visiting is very common. If you're passing by then it's polite to stop by. We actually class it as impolite to not visit!

Most people I don’t mind dropping by, a two minute chat can be lovely. However there is one family friend of ours who I need to have pre warning for! She expects a chat of minimum an hour and could easily go on for four hours or more!! Which I find very unreasonable and as I struggle with my social anxiety, I find it really panic inducing that she could turn up unannounced. So i think you should keep it really short if you go in without warning them first.

Yep - they're also the ones who complain that they don't have any friends/neighbours who they can call on in an emergency.

There was a thread the other day about how having a "village" isn't possible nowadays, but most didn't seem to realise that you have to make the effort to get the village in the first place

As a child in the 70s in a small community it was common for people to turn up unannounced, especially on a Sunday. We would always have cake on standby. My parents were very sociable and have lived in the same house for 50 years so everyone knows where to find them. It wasn’t uncommon for dad to be chatting to a local farm labourer and then a Lady to turn up. Back in those days we didn’t lock the door either so people would just let themselves in.

But back in those days people not only didn’t have mobile phones but not everyone had a telephone at all. There was no way to check in advance.

Life is just too busy to accommodate this these days. A lot of households have two working adults, which means that the only time to do chores, shopping and family things falls on the weekend.

Exactly. Some people would rather drive an hour to drop it in, while messaging on their way to say they're coming. Then they look perplexed you didn't know, because they messaged you when you were busy, or out, half an hour ago to say they were on their way!
They would rather do this, and risk you being out than pay for a stamp. Db was very controlling, and everything was on his terms. If you said he couldn't come on thay given day, he would turn up regardless "with a gift." We had been distant, and this wasn't okay. It wasn't a nice gesture, it was a last minute gift that was his taste, and a form of control, because when he had something in his head, he couldn't bear being told no.

Many years ago we had friends who lived 2 hours away and they would regularly 'drop in' on speck and it was so bloody annoying! it was always on a Sunday, in the late afternoon.
They always expected to stay for tea and admittedly they would bring some food with them BUT this was always cheap 'plastic' ham, cheap mayonnaise, overripe tomatoes, tub of cheap margarine etc..........I' m sure you get the picture. BUT they would then eat all our better quality food in place of their own. To ad insult to injury, anything of ours that was left on the tae table would always find its way home with them.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't see anyone go hungry but they were certainly taking the piss!

The lives some people lead 🤯

You are allowed to get dressed before you answer the door...

I'd much rather put off scrubbing the loo or emptying the dishwasher to have a 30 minute catch up with a friend who's popped in. Chores can be left for later. And if you're out shopping, you won't be in when they call, will you?

This trend of having to warn people you might want to speak to them on the phone or in person without a 48 hour warning completely reflects how pathetic people have become

Surely it's just practical to check someone is actually home before you drive or walk to their house? I think its more "pathetic" to make a completely unnecessary journey - you've just wasted petrol and time

God I hate this!!

If the doorbell goes and we’re not expecting a parcel or visitors, we collectively look at each other and go “who the hell is that!?” 🤣🤣

I read something once…

If someone knocks at your door, and you’re not expecting anyone, put your coat on before you answer the door-that way, if it’s someone turning up for a surprise visit you can say “oh! Sorry, I was just on my way out”

Genius! 🤣

Oh, I like a drop in visit. Friends and family are always welcome here.

I like it but I grew up with it, so maybe see it as normal. It's less common now and I miss it.

While my inclination is that unexpected guests are a good thing and I find most of the responses here to be odd, I wouldn’t drop in myself nowadays unannounced apart from to very good friends who live nearby, and my sister and mum. However I understand the mindset - Op asked why anyone would do it - for me it would be “would love to see this person/ drop off a gift/ card but don’t want to invite myself round for a formal lunch or whatever, if I call beforehand they will feel obliged to tidy up/ cook/ whatever and it will become a formal visit, but if I just turn up they don’t have to do this. Also I fully accept they may not be in or may be busy, and I won’t be staying long unless they ask me to”. Again, I wouldn’t actually do this because of the types of people on this thread, but that would be my thinking.

In my opinion the very worst response on this thread was ‘why would you drop round with a present when you could just post it”. Yes, why don’t we all live in bubbles forever and never have any contact with the rest of humanity. When I was little we hand delivered every card to anyone who lived in a 5 mile radius, if people invited us in we didn’t go because we had 20 more cards to deliver and mostly we just popped them through the door and moved on, but imagine the consternation we’d cause nowadays! “OMG Gwyneth the Footprints are coming up the drive, hide, hide!”

Will she answer the door? I don't if I am not expecting anyone.

Are you sure you are not about to put her in a position of having to dash out to get you something and then come over to your house with it? Ok that you don't want anything, but generally when gifts are given, you also get something back and a lot of people would be uncomfy with just receiving. While this is a nice gesture on your behalf, are you sure you aren't creating extra work for your friend?

I just think people have different priorities now, and not always in a good way.

I see thread after thread about people wanting weekends for "family time" or Christmas to be "just our little family". People turn down nights out during the week because they want to sit at home with their DH instead, or insist on doing bedtime every single night at the expense of their friends and social life.

I don't think it's a coincidence that there are also a large number of threads from women with older children who suddenly find themselves feeling very, very lonely and lost because their old friends have moved on and they find themselves with nothing.

You literally leave people standing on the doorstep if they haven’t made an appointment?
That is not a normal thing to do. Are your social skills deficient in other areas too? I suspect they are.

This happened all the time when I was a child as we didn't even have a phone but nowadays there is no excuse.

My sister is the worst - always turns up unannounced and usually when we're about to serve dinner. I've asked her to let me know in future but all she says is "Oh we're just spontaneous, spur of the moment kind of people. We don't make plans in advance"

You may not, but others do.

And not just visitors to the door. It seems it is even considered rude now to telephone people without them expecting it!

If someone knocks at your door, and you’re not expecting anyone, put your coat on before you answer the door-that way, if it’s someone turning up for a surprise visit you can say “oh! Sorry, I was just on my way out”
Genius!

Genius, or anti-social and totally weird? Going out of your way to avoid interacting with people?

Maybe it's a Scottish/Irish thing but I really cannot get my head around any of my friends ever doing that.

Years ago, my uncle called round. He lives 5 hours away and was escorting a child to visit his dad down here from up north. I was mid vacuuming, sweaty and not expecting anyone, opened the door, didn’t immediately clock who it was, said ‘No thanks’ and promptly closed the door! He rang again and I’d registered who it was by then. I was horribly embarrassed, he helped bring me up, I don’t know why I didn’t recognise him!

Sadly, I’m someone who does not appreciate unexpected drop ins, but I get almost none ever, living so far from family.