People turning up without warning- rude?

[notedbiscuits]

I find this behaviour rude and thoughtless. As the homeowners may have plans themselves or in the midst of a cooking marathon esp this time of the year.

Be nicer for them to message/call saying are you available to have a chat as in the area etc.

If you are one of those people who turn up at others without informing them first. Why do you do it?

I am never dressed to open the door to somebody unexpected. I don't like wearing anything uncomfortable including stretchy bras. Obviously if I am expecting somebody then I make sure that I am properly attired.

Completely agree @notedbiscuits . Then again, apart from my 2 adult DC and their partners, I don't like visitors anyway. I have done all my entertaining, and welcoming people, and looking after them (feeding them, and giving them drinks,) throughout my 20s, 30s, and 40s. On the rare occasion someone comes (even invited,) I am clock-watching after about an hour and a half, wishing and hoping they will leave. Just CBA with most people these days.

but visitors are not coming for 30 seconds are they?

And if people want their house not to be invaded, surely it's their right?

During heatwaves, I will most likely be sat in front of a fan in just my undies. I wont be answering the door to anyone!

I'm Scottish and when I was little it was expected that, not only did you invite unexpected visitors in, you were also expected to offer them food. Many was the time I was taken aside and given money to run out to the shops and get some cold meat and salad to feed such guests.
The worst was when an auntie and uncle called unexpectedly called on New Year's Day. We were having steaks so our 3 steaks had to be halved to accommodate them!

Personally I hate unexpected visitors and never answer the door if I'm not expecting a visit or a parcel etc

So joyless
dropping off a gift at this time of year and chatting on the doorstep is absolutely fine

Yes, exactly this. I personally find it rude, and entitled to just land down on somebody unannounced, expecting them to drop everything, because YOU wanted to go, with no regard for their plans. My db would do this, and it was a control thing in his case. He didn't like being told "no, we cannot see you on that day, we are busy." He would completely disrespect boundaries and land down with a birthday gift (he had picked up that day) as an excuse to come here anyway. The latest was a halloween gift, who the hell does that? We haven't been close for years, and for years he wasn't even a gifting person. He would be "put out" if we were out, or stand there with his partner half way out the car like they're coming in. If we were to do that to them, it would be extremely unacceptable however. One rule...

Sometimes parents/ friends will knock on our door in case we are in. If we are in a d free, it is nice to see them. But if they have not checked before, or we are busy, then they understand and all is well.

It is not rude to call over on the off chance, providing you set your expectations accordingly.

I think whether it's rude or not depends on your relationship with the visitor. Close family member/established boyfriend or girlfriend/close friends no problem, though they run the risk that I'm not in or on working (I WFH and if on a call can't just answer the door).

Acquaintances? Please phone or text first. Very new relationship? Again, phone or text first

How do you know how long they're coming for unless you answer the door and speak to them, though?

Answering the door doesn't mean you have an obligation to ask them in, you can just have a quick chat, exchange pleasantries, say you're busy and will catch up on X day. It doesn't need to be this big drama.

nice try, but no.

My kids will disappear to a club for 2 hours. I am planning to wrap all their presents while they are out of the way.

If you decide to "pop in", then yes, you are pissing me off. It's not practical to receive visitors in my bedroom where I wrap the presents and it will be a pain in the arse to wrap their things later when the kids are in the house.

That's just an example.

I am busy at home so I have time to meet my friends and have a life later on. I am not lonely, I am busy. Since women work as much as men, many of us are busy.

Who nowadays that is not retired or unemployed has time to sit with friends, natter and have a cup of tea in the middle of the day 😂

There is a line in the show the IT crowd where moss says 'a closed door is a happy door'.
I think for older generations it was probably more common to call on people unexpectedly but I think with the way life is these days, it's not acceptable.
I have some older relatives that would never leave given half the chance but I understand they have more time on their hands so don't see what the issue is.

I hate this! Sil and mil used to do this weekly until we went Nc with mil and Lc with sil for unrelated reasons.

I love people just turning up. I hate all this arranging a time and you must adhere to it - it’s like going to work.

I have a theory, formulated from observing many people over the years, that the people who ‘set boundaries’, take it personally when someone is a few mins late and get angry if someone dares to call without an appointment all feel very sad and anxious a lot of the time.

Its rude and why we have a no guests policy.

People kept doing it AND criticizing our house/hosting to boot (have a family member whose a minimalist and if you own more than a sofa and TV you might as well be a hoarder according to them) no matter how many time we politely reminded them they gave us ZERO warning, so we stopped answering until they got the message.

I'm disabled and have 3 kids and 2 pets, my house is not pristine, we are not minimalist and I don't care to be. We live here 24/7 and it looks like we live here complete with pet hair and toys etc... plus sorry I don't have a stock pile of random hosting nibbles, party platters and drinks (we don't drink tea/coffee so why would I have it) we didn't actually invite you to come or offer to host.

The worst was a family member that wouldn't even knock, they just barge right in. There was once I was in the kitchen and heard the front door shut, then almost instantly heard a yell. They had let themselves (and a friend we didn't even know) in then gone straight up into our bedroom where my DH was asleep to wake us up... like who the fuck does that??? apparently thats 'normal' because 'family'.

Also had friends over who just could not respect the no smoking rule (its a rental we could have got evicted) and violated it multiple times. Opening a window or doing it in the bathroom STILL counts.

So no, even with prior warning no one gets in anymore. We will meet you someone public where I don't have to care what you do because its not violation of my private space or personal attack. Like if you light up in the doorway of weatherspoons or spill coffee on everything in starbucks or moan how you think the decor is 'tacky' in the cafe or rant about someone having a dog in the beer garden because you think 'animals are unhygienic' I don't care but in my house about my stuff you'll just piss me off.

I do remember this from my childhood and it is sad that people aren't so free about popping in and out of other people's houses now. But having said that, any time someone does pop round to mine, I always cringe as I realise the hall needs a hoover or the washing up needs doing and I wish I'd had ten minutes warning at least.

We used to have friends locally who would regularly come by Saturday teatime uninvited and it was just the worst possible time. We were all knackered after a busy day and needing to chill out for an hour or two before making dinner. They would stay for ages and I'd feel like weeping.

So just tell the visitor you're busy on the doorstep? You're acting like you're forced to entertain them for five hours just because they've knocked on your door.

I have plenty of time for a chat and a cuppa during the day - one of the many benefits of being self-employed and picking your own hours. Many of my friends are the same - or work shifts so have days off in the week or during the day. It's not exactly uncommon

My mum used to be a nightmare for this. She sees nothing wrong with popping in on someone she hasn't seen for ten-fifteen years because she's in the area. They may have even moved house and she'd have no idea. My childhood was spent traipsing and getting second hand embarrassment when she missed all the cues. The worst was her best mate when we popped in for no reason about half 8 at night on a weekday when they said in a very friendly way that they were about to get ready for bed soon and she said don't worry I won't be long and pushed through the door. They sat awkwardly and mostly in silence for a good hour. Luckily she can't get anywhere herself nowadays due to a disability so it all takes meticulous planning. Dark humour before anyone's offended.

What in the name of the wee donkey does that mean?? ‘Properly attired’??? For when a friend pops by? Our worlds are veeeeeery different places. My ‘attire’ would give you a right eyeful, you should pop in sometime, you could dine out on it for years.

I agree with a pp, it depends who it is -

• family member (up to uncles/aunts/first cousins who live locally): not rude. I wouldn't expect them to tell me they were coming, but also wouldn't make any effort to entertain them. I would just get on with what I needed to do and chat to them as I went along. I also wouldn't be bothered about telling them I needed to go out if I genuinely did.

• very close friend: as above.

• less close friend or someone who lives further away and doesn't visit often: would appreciate a call in advance. But would stop and chat for a few minutes if I had the time. Would be annoyed if they expected to be hosted.

• neighbour/work colleague/acquaintance: would definitely expect advance notice if they expected to come in rather than just drop something at the door.

It's the law on Mumsnet that you have to answer the door to anyone who knocks. Even if it's a dodgy looking bloke and it's 2am. Apparently there's something wrong with you if you don't.

It takes so little effort to just drop a text ‘might be passing yours later mind if I pop in for a coffee and a chat?’ I massively appreciate the heads up personally. Very few of my friends wouldn’t do this.

Yes this! They always overstay too! I always find I'm running around after them to fulfil their expectations, than when go to theirs (prearranged), you get one cup of tea.

Totally agree with you, but I suspect that observation won't go down very well on here!

I am