School raised concerns over childs home life

[Smith212]

For some context my child is 9 asd diagnosed and has had very destructive behaviour only towards me and my home for years now. Co parent situation. My child literally rules me. Breaks my things, rips ALL of my clothes, empties liquids everywhere, destroys his siblings clothes, belongings etc, empties freezer fridges etc and puts the contents in household items such as desks drawers etc. Is physically and verbally abusive to me, very angry in general and defiant won't do a thing I say. If I say something like I'll have to tell dad about you pushing and hitting me it can't carry on (his dad's useless but when I'm desperate he is my only go to to get my child to listen) he will say things like I'll tell him you pushed and hit me he will believe me. I feel totally trapped. So he ends up just getting away with everything. I try consequence no tv etc or no I'm not getting you that new thing you asked for etc.... but nothing works. He has no respect or care for me. His school in so many words told me he's great at school and his dad's so it's my problem. All of the sudden get an email for a taf for concerns around his home life and no information. So have all christmas now to think what on earth has he said now. His dad takes I'm to a dodgy pub 24/7 but you can bet it's me in the firing line. I am no saint, especially as my child Never admits to all of these things which frustrates me more especially when I have nothing to wear for work as it's all been ripped even underwear etc. So yes sometimes I raise my voice- but everything I say he twists and turns. I told him that him ripping my last outfit was nasty behaviour and he wasn't being a nice boy, he turned that in to telling his dad I said I wish he wasn't born and I don't want him over Xmas.... like what the hell can I do!!!???? I have a younger child in this mix who is scared and apologises every time he sneezes I'm worried about his future too. I am hurt that his school and his dad don't seem to believe me (why on earth would I lie about any of this!!??) And now want this meeting... I'm wondering what it could be about and what I'll be accused of next. I am just trying to work and support my kids and I not even allowed to do that. Any insight advice words etc, please.

Surely if the behaviour was happening at school towards other children their parents would be asking questions even if the school were determined to say otherwise, no?

I'm just believing the OP, she knows her child, we don't.

Send him to live with his Dad for a month and see how that goes! He needs to see this other side to him. I'd also start documenting his behavioirs so you have this as back up.

I'd also start punishing him - who gives a shit about his threats, you can't be his prisoner!

The school are irresponsible for sending you that message and then letting christmas break happen.

The behavior probably isn't happening at school that's what masking is ,the Ops child is just about keeping everything together at school and then explodes at home ,that doesn't mean the child is fine on school just that they are not exhibiting the undesirable behaviour there.

Does he mask at his dad's as well then? Sorry I don't buy that

Punishing a child for not yet having developed sufficiently cognitively or emotionally to cope in better ways will not work. Their current developmental capacities are insufficient to cope more adaptively with the environmental stressors they are facing.

You wouldn't think it was reasonable to punish a child in a wheelchair for not walking quickly enough.

I

This is true. It is also true that children with disabilities can also be naughty. It is a challenge to work out what is going down sometimes. Also non disabled siblings have a right to peaceful enjoyment of their home.

Behaving punitively in this situation is not going to help.

He may well do. It's not unheard off at all.

It's also not unheard of for one parent to have no problems because they have no boundaries. the parent left trying to enforce bedtimes, homework etc gets all the push back, not the one that says it's fine to be on your Xbox til 2am, eating sweets.

It's also not unheard of for a child experiencing abuse in one house, to act up on the other as they don't know how to explain it.

I'm not saying any of these are the situation, but it's really not as simple as behaving in one setting, means that's the good settting getting it right.

It is of course possible that dad has more patience, is responding better to the situations. It might be because he has the child less often so has more rest or just has a different temperament. (Just for balance)

No, it seems the father is a male and has that kind of authority ( not the best kind of authority) over his son, but also goes with him to pubs - no restraint, just freedom

YeaH you got it. He respects his dad is desperate for his love and approval, mune is unconditional and he knows it. However wouldn't want him thinking otherwise of course he has my love.

If I'd been offered this kind of proactive intervention 2 years ago, I'd have jumped at the chance to get the support. At the time I very nearly did a self referral to SS. Thankfully, our lives have transformed (for the better) since then, but there was a very, very low point. Take the help, op. That's my strong recommendation. Also, sounds like your child could be masking at school leading to the behaviours you see at home. A TAF meeting is a positive step because it means the school recognise you need more support.

Do you think he is a PDA profile of autism?

If so they need a completely different approach to parenting. It's really really hard. Iv saw lady on fb clips called at peace parenting and have found it helpful.

I work in a related field. I find that actually the TAF and having other professionals involved means they take the issues you are dealing with from your son more seriously.
I find schools can be terrible for gaslighting parents that it must be their fault if they don't see the behaviours at school (I say that as a former teacher and unfortunately this is a real problem).

I would use it as an opportunity to try and get some help and support for you, your autistic son and their sibling.

If they feel you need help it will because your son's needs are complex not because they feel you are lacking as a parent.

It's really common for children to mask at the non resident parent's house. They only let the mask slip when with the parent they feel safest with.

There is a wealth of professional research indicating this, whether or not you 'buy' it.

Unfortunately, teachers currently don't have any specialised SEND training as a matter of course, meaning you will find uninformed opinions amongst them as well as random posters on mumsnet.

Hopefully getting more specialised professionals from the LA involved will help your son OP.

This is a really ill informed post.
Would you say that the siblings if a physically disabled child should be able to live in peace without the clutter of wheelchairs and hoists?
I'm not trying to be rude but you are commenting on something that you really don't understand.

This

That's a very typical presentation do for an autistic child.

What a ridiculous post.
There are no magic wand answers for families whose children have complex needs.
The LA won't take him into care if he has a safe and loving home.
And it would damage him irreparably.

Honestly the ignorance of some posters on here is ridiculous.

"problem child".
What a lovely way to describe a child who is struggling with his disability.

If a parent in any other scenario on here suggested not wanting their child to live with them to make it better for the golden child, they would rightly be handed their arse.

However people talk about disabled children as though the are disposable.

If he is struggling emotionally now, just what do you think the rejection of his one safe person, mum, would do?

It's just an awful attitude.

That is a ridiculous comparison, hoists and wheelchairs in the house and hallway dont cause significant emotional or physical harm or cause the house to have criminal damage to it

I've had many a taf meeting never refused one

Just to clarify neither of my children are golden lol I haven't said I don't want him just don't want him to hurt everyone and their belongings anymore.

In both cases it is the impact of one child's disability on siblings. It is well known to have a negative impact and instead of vilifying the child with the disability seeking support for the family is appropriate.

The fact that you can accept a problem is beyond a child's control due to a physical disability but not a neuro diverse one, is typical of the ableist attitudes that families with ND disabilities face.