School raised concerns over childs home life

[Smith212]

For some context my child is 9 asd diagnosed and has had very destructive behaviour only towards me and my home for years now. Co parent situation. My child literally rules me. Breaks my things, rips ALL of my clothes, empties liquids everywhere, destroys his siblings clothes, belongings etc, empties freezer fridges etc and puts the contents in household items such as desks drawers etc. Is physically and verbally abusive to me, very angry in general and defiant won't do a thing I say. If I say something like I'll have to tell dad about you pushing and hitting me it can't carry on (his dad's useless but when I'm desperate he is my only go to to get my child to listen) he will say things like I'll tell him you pushed and hit me he will believe me. I feel totally trapped. So he ends up just getting away with everything. I try consequence no tv etc or no I'm not getting you that new thing you asked for etc.... but nothing works. He has no respect or care for me. His school in so many words told me he's great at school and his dad's so it's my problem. All of the sudden get an email for a taf for concerns around his home life and no information. So have all christmas now to think what on earth has he said now. His dad takes I'm to a dodgy pub 24/7 but you can bet it's me in the firing line. I am no saint, especially as my child Never admits to all of these things which frustrates me more especially when I have nothing to wear for work as it's all been ripped even underwear etc. So yes sometimes I raise my voice- but everything I say he twists and turns. I told him that him ripping my last outfit was nasty behaviour and he wasn't being a nice boy, he turned that in to telling his dad I said I wish he wasn't born and I don't want him over Xmas.... like what the hell can I do!!!???? I have a younger child in this mix who is scared and apologises every time he sneezes I'm worried about his future too. I am hurt that his school and his dad don't seem to believe me (why on earth would I lie about any of this!!??) And now want this meeting... I'm wondering what it could be about and what I'll be accused of next. I am just trying to work and support my kids and I not even allowed to do that. Any insight advice words etc, please.

Yes I did. I didn't realise living with the other parent might be an option. But if it isn't then a short period in care would give everyone a chance to get away from this destructive situation which is awful for everyone involved.

Yes Ive also worked with people who are very good at de escalation but they're not on shift 24/7 and it also doesnt stop children attacking in the first place or causing criminal damage, sometimes its not about the response given to the child, sometimes the triggers are unpredictable, it may also not stop allegations being made which then results in staff suspension, an investigation and most placements dont want that, they literally cant function if they have to keep suspending staff while that goes on.

But that's not a simple or realistic process.

I'm so sorry for you and your youngest child, as well as your son but there is a positive element of this, hard though it must be to see. He is manipulative but he knows to behave in a school setting and with his (fairly useless) father which means he can actually understand right from wrong.

I understand that your ex offers you no help but I wondered if your son could live there for a short while (without it being presented to him that way). How soon before he tries that behaviour at his dad's home and what you've been saying all along is finally seen? It also buy you and your other child some peace and the school will see it as a child, not a parent issue?

He knows where the cameras are but what about nanny cams? They're designed to capture what's going on that people want to hide. That would be useful before you go to the school and they would be able to see his real behaviour.

I'm just so very sorry that you're all in this situation and hope there's at least some help soon but, in the meantime, you and your youngest need a break from all the bad behaviour and assaults.

OP, I have read your posts, but not the rest of the thread, as AIBU threads about disabled children and behaviour just end up being a sewer, with loads of judgey types turning up to get a cheap kick out of looking down on families, or being poisonous about autism, with absolutely no insight into what neurodevelopmental conditions are or how to respond to challenging behaviour arising from them in a home setting. I'd recommend starting a thread on one of the SEND boards where you will get replies from people who have lived through this and know what they are talking about. I'd also recommend finding out from local autism groups where the services are for neurodevelopmental children in your area, and pushing really hard to get a referral (ask GP and raise at TAF meeting).

There have been locks on my doors for a while we just moved house so going through the process again, also I am only human sometimes forget to lock etc

www.pdasociety.org.uk/resources/pda-and-christmas/

Unless the risks are of death or really serious injury or sexual harm then the local authority won't put a child into care. And a short period in care wouldnt be a fix either.

Please ignore any poster who describes your child as manipulative, or suggests says they know how to behave and are choosing to respond at home as they do. It's a red flag to use a blaming narrative about a disabled child who is clearly struggling with emotional regulation and social interactions - and not anything anyone with insight into autistic behaviours would do.

He is what we would say once upon a time, very highly functioning, has developed a love of reading and to my delight and surprise has reached ARE and GD at some subjects due to this (and I hope my help too) I do agree he knows how to behave but is angry at me.... I had a relationship once- this was years after my divorce and he has never forgiven me. It's like he doesn't want me but doesn't want anyone to have me, he loves his siblings but then resents them then misses them.... it's really hard. This is why I pushed together the play therapy for him so he had someone to vent to whilst doing something he loves- art. I do agree he's struggling but I'm not sure how to help him anymore. I have tried so much, I am ASD and ADHD myself, so have some understanding but also massively respect that we call I a broad spectrum for a reason.

I would also say in defence of this poster that they are right in a sense- it is assault and not welcome behaviour- it hurts us all and we aren't perfect but just want to love him, our weekends are all about things that will support him, give him self worth, happiness, independence- I feel I have spent so long trying to support him that my others and me are no where in this and my others actually deserve some safety and happiness too.

None blames you but offers help. Take it.

When I get an offer other than a list of useful websites I'll be biting their hands off believe me! I've taken all support ever offered to me I can't afford to be proud I will do anything to stop this hell and that won't change x

You need to ask for help dealing with your child at home.
Be honest. It's not safe for you, for your son or siblings.

With the TAF think about why you want from
it.
If his behaviour is a difficult as you say, then think about what channels they may have to support you and get them to pin down dates, use the word crisis a lot. it can be really hard to reach out and not receive any help and and a generic letter with some websites on.
I think children’s services are good at sound bites but not actioning.
Think about what is a good outcome for you all.

I’d also wear a body camera around your son to start collecting evidence of his behaviour.

Does your area provide a crisis line for parental
Support for children waiting assessment? Start running that if they have one.

Keep going, make a list for the TAF of all the interactions have had with school, and SS and all the support you used and all the dates you have asked for help.

Take it with you, and ask to escalate to a strategy meeting.

Yes but some kids mask are school and then let it all out when they get home it's called the coke bottle affect
Obviously it's a broad spectrum and not all mask ,my son doesn't have the capacity to mask but it is a known phenomenon.

You can think whst you like but it ain't going to happen.

Respite? Residential care? Dream on!

You don't ever do that are you stupid? What if there was a house fire?

But he's ok when he's at his dad's too

Mum might be his safe space?

Could be but whatever way you look at it the poor other children are at risk of being hurt or ending up with severe mental health issues. So for all round it would be better that the child goes to live with dad or goes into care because the op cannot deal with him and he's only going to get bigger and stronger.

This is really hard. All parties in this situation deserves compassion.

You might want to have a look at PACE (Dan Hughes) which is a way of thinking about parenting where there have been issues of trauma or attachment issues. Not saying those are factors at play here (although a lot of neurodivergent children do experience trauma), just that it is a really helpful framework for reflecting on your relationship with your child and what might be going on for you and them.

Some autistic children find it hard to admit to having broken rules, as that can feel quite a threatening thing to acknowledge, if you are very rules-focused.

This is the problem with AIBU.

Many families of disabled children the length and breadth of Britain go through stages of having very difficult home lives. They are denied the specialist support to help manage their children's conditions, they are denied respite, their children are often shamed and excluded within mainstream education, they are frequently victimised by peers and are enduring an uncomfortable sensory environment at school in which their needs and distress are often not well understood. They may not be able to access the sorts of childcare other families take for granted, which in turn can add financial pressures to the mix. This amounts to a major social crisis but it plays out in individual family homes, where to add the final insult to injury, onlookers then feel entitled to criticise children and parents for failing to behave normatively, adding social stigma on top of everything else. This takes a toll on the health of all household members.

This is how hundreds of thousands families live at any given time. The idea that the answer for children in this situation is to be taken into care is wildly unrealistic if you think of the cost and capacity issues, and aside from a much small number of exceptional situations, wildly inappropriate if you consider the child outcomes associated with this. With specialist input, Families can often find strategies that dramatically improve their situation. Getting needs met at school can also make a massive difference. As a nation we should be prioritising these things. They are much better to fix than dark fantasies about institutionalising large numbers of neurodivergent children.