School raised concerns over childs home life

[Smith212]

For some context my child is 9 asd diagnosed and has had very destructive behaviour only towards me and my home for years now. Co parent situation. My child literally rules me. Breaks my things, rips ALL of my clothes, empties liquids everywhere, destroys his siblings clothes, belongings etc, empties freezer fridges etc and puts the contents in household items such as desks drawers etc. Is physically and verbally abusive to me, very angry in general and defiant won't do a thing I say. If I say something like I'll have to tell dad about you pushing and hitting me it can't carry on (his dad's useless but when I'm desperate he is my only go to to get my child to listen) he will say things like I'll tell him you pushed and hit me he will believe me. I feel totally trapped. So he ends up just getting away with everything. I try consequence no tv etc or no I'm not getting you that new thing you asked for etc.... but nothing works. He has no respect or care for me. His school in so many words told me he's great at school and his dad's so it's my problem. All of the sudden get an email for a taf for concerns around his home life and no information. So have all christmas now to think what on earth has he said now. His dad takes I'm to a dodgy pub 24/7 but you can bet it's me in the firing line. I am no saint, especially as my child Never admits to all of these things which frustrates me more especially when I have nothing to wear for work as it's all been ripped even underwear etc. So yes sometimes I raise my voice- but everything I say he twists and turns. I told him that him ripping my last outfit was nasty behaviour and he wasn't being a nice boy, he turned that in to telling his dad I said I wish he wasn't born and I don't want him over Xmas.... like what the hell can I do!!!???? I have a younger child in this mix who is scared and apologises every time he sneezes I'm worried about his future too. I am hurt that his school and his dad don't seem to believe me (why on earth would I lie about any of this!!??) And now want this meeting... I'm wondering what it could be about and what I'll be accused of next. I am just trying to work and support my kids and I not even allowed to do that. Any insight advice words etc, please.

I know you weren't, I was responding to the previous poster who suggested you should put the child with a disability in care for the benefit of the sibling.

You are absolutely entitled to want some peace and respite from his behaviours/presentation.

I hope you didn't think I was criticizing you.

I didn't and to be honest I wouldn't of noticed if any one had sometimes, this is such a bizarre situation to most I have to accept sometimes that they may judge. ... sadly it's my life

It's really like shit for parents in your position with a child in mainstream a team around the family meeting can only offer so much your entitled to have your child's needs assessed you might possibly be offered parenting course ,s such as Triple p and may be direct payments for a few hours a week. People suggesting residential school are completely out of touch with reality unfortunately

I think that is what is hard for people to understand. I have 3 kids with ASD who have all been through extremely challenging phases behaviour wise and it was awful. It's bad enough without stigma and judgement.

What actually was a turning point for my youngest who has the most complex needs was moving to a special school for year 7. He's a changed child. But I really had to fight for it.
I genuinely believe all the anger was the distress of having to cope with school/life/dads (I'm also divorced from far, and he also doesn't see these behaviour during his limited Disney dad time)

Life as a SEND parent can just be shit at times

Just like he's damaging the youngest child irreparably?

Maybe some time out of the house would each him to behave better.

Honestly, I know what you are saying seems logical to you. If you read up on attachment theory, PDA and autism you will realise it would not help things all.
It would traumatise the disabled child. Traumatised mum with the guilt of sending her child away. The youngest child would live with the guilt the siblings was sent away for their benefit.
Honestly it would just cause trauma all round.
Professional support and intervention in a planned and person centred way is needed.

Are you saying children on the spectrum can't misbehave? Of course they can!

I'm saying that what the OP is describing is not 'misbehaving'. He will not be able to just choose to regulate himself and control his impulses in that moment. Dysregulation is a complex state involving brain function and the central nervous system.
I'm going to step back from your comments because after 20 years working in this field (both research and practitioner worl with children and families) and as a mum of 3 autistic children what I am saying is based on extensive, evidence based, peer reviewed research and practice. I don't really know how to respond to someone who disagrees based on assumptions...

I have had successful outcomes with many children and their families and it was never as a result of punishment or labelling them as naughty.

I would appreciate any advice you have for me, I'm at a loss.

I agree with what you say. I just disagreed with the point about behaviour.

Or should I say misbehaving but now you have worded it like that I understand.

It depends what support is available in your area, but a typical TAF intervention in my LA might look like:
Young carers referral for sibling )as impacted even if not giving care) and explore what nurture support school can provide.
Camhs referral for anger management
Specialist teachers who can do a programme of emotional literacy work, PBS (positive behaviour support) practitioners
Ed psych referral to understand his presentation more.
Paediatrics referral if suspicion of ADHD
Parent sessions (not suggesting your parenting is lacking, but to learn specific techniques for managing ND behaviours)
Carers assessment from social care to look at the impact on you and siblings
Pressure from social care to school to explore if needs are being met and if that is impacting presentation at home)
Does he have an EHCP? If it appears that unmet needs at school are impacting his presentation you may need support from social care to push for this
I would also contact your local SENDIASS service for advocacy and support if school are trying to batt it all back to you.
In my LA the early help /TAF team will also do targeted family support sessions.
If you meet the threshold, they could make a social care referral for a 'child with disability' social worker (nothing to do with child protection or safeguarding). This is usually a prerequisite to getting any sort of respite support.

Your key supporters at this point should be the TAF coordinator and the SENDIASS advisor.

I hope things get better for you xxx

Which point
Sorry missed your last post

Thanks you @HelloWorldItsNiceToMeetYou. It's important people understand this.

Self refer to social work/early help in your area, as a matter of urgency.

No, I would say that they have a right not to be exposed to risk of physical harm, the trauma of seeing their mother physically and verbally abused and never knowing which of their belongings will be destroyed next. I am confused why you think their physical and psychological safety is less important than that of their ASD sibling. Whether intentional or unintentional this behaviour will have a lasting impact and parents have a duty of care to all of their children. I say this as someone who is physically disabled and is a parent to a child with ADHD and ASD challenging behaviours with an NT younger sibling.

Having disabled children and being disabled yourself is an example of now life can be bloody unfair. But rejecting a child whose disability makes them difficult to live with, rather than seeking the help and support they need isn't the answer.

The OP has asked for advice on how to challenge school's view that this is related to her parenting and how to secure support for her family.

For posters to randomly suggest she send her DS to live elsewhere or go into care is unbelievably cruel.

At what point did I suggest rejecting any child? I said it is possible for a child to have a disability and have behaviours beyond their control whilst also having behaviours which are in their control and are just poor choices and that will vary according to their ASD.

The behaviours she describes are textbook dysregulation which are likely causing DS as much distress as the rest of the family.

There is no magic solution and so suggesting that the OP is 'failing to keep her younger child safe' is just nasty keyboard warrior behaviour, kicking someone who is already at rock bottom.

It will take a coordinated approach by professionals to help her DS manage his behaviours and remain regulated. Unless you know of a magic solution that they rest of the world of social care/child psychology/educational psychology aren't aware of...

Be careful with SENDIASS. Some are good but many are not and repeat the LA’s unlawful policies and practices.

That hasn't been my experience. Definitely avoid the private advocates who are completely unregulated, don't need to have any qualifications and charge.

And that’s brilliant for you. As I said, some are good. Many are not.

I agree, about advocates. If OP goes down that route, she should choose carefully.

Brilliant for me? I mean I have worked with their case officers professionally across a number of LAs. So brilliant for the families rather than me.
There always some who aren't great in any profession, but it is important to access the pathways available to you. If you feel you have a bad experience you can challenge it, but should not avoid accessing it due to online heresay.

If you have had a poor experience I'm sorry to hear that, that must have been very difficult.

So sorry you are going through this. You are not a bad parent. Just be honest and accept help. I wish you and children well.

No, but I am further along this road and sharing my experience of the impact ASD can have on NT siblings. Life is full of hard and oftentimes unfair choices. Having ASD is unfair. Having a sibling with ASD who demands 💯 of your parents’ attention, destroys your stuff and has you walking on eggshells is unfair. Parenting ASD is hard. Really hard, and sadly NT siblings do pay a price particularly when parents don’t have any support in place. I would agree most of the behaviour OP describes are textbook. The ability to plan behaviours around camera blind spots seems atypical to me suggesting this behaviour is ‘something else’. The two can coexist.