School raised concerns over childs home life

[Smith212]

For some context my child is 9 asd diagnosed and has had very destructive behaviour only towards me and my home for years now. Co parent situation. My child literally rules me. Breaks my things, rips ALL of my clothes, empties liquids everywhere, destroys his siblings clothes, belongings etc, empties freezer fridges etc and puts the contents in household items such as desks drawers etc. Is physically and verbally abusive to me, very angry in general and defiant won't do a thing I say. If I say something like I'll have to tell dad about you pushing and hitting me it can't carry on (his dad's useless but when I'm desperate he is my only go to to get my child to listen) he will say things like I'll tell him you pushed and hit me he will believe me. I feel totally trapped. So he ends up just getting away with everything. I try consequence no tv etc or no I'm not getting you that new thing you asked for etc.... but nothing works. He has no respect or care for me. His school in so many words told me he's great at school and his dad's so it's my problem. All of the sudden get an email for a taf for concerns around his home life and no information. So have all christmas now to think what on earth has he said now. His dad takes I'm to a dodgy pub 24/7 but you can bet it's me in the firing line. I am no saint, especially as my child Never admits to all of these things which frustrates me more especially when I have nothing to wear for work as it's all been ripped even underwear etc. So yes sometimes I raise my voice- but everything I say he twists and turns. I told him that him ripping my last outfit was nasty behaviour and he wasn't being a nice boy, he turned that in to telling his dad I said I wish he wasn't born and I don't want him over Xmas.... like what the hell can I do!!!???? I have a younger child in this mix who is scared and apologises every time he sneezes I'm worried about his future too. I am hurt that his school and his dad don't seem to believe me (why on earth would I lie about any of this!!??) And now want this meeting... I'm wondering what it could be about and what I'll be accused of next. I am just trying to work and support my kids and I not even allowed to do that. Any insight advice words etc, please.

WTAF. it is absolutely not your role as a parent to be a punchbag for your child - just in case there was ever any doubt in your mind about that!!

Also, there may be be some useful information on here https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/education/different-behaviour-between-school-and-home

Wheelchairs don’t destroy your stuff and exhibit violent behaviours towards parents and siblings. This is a ridiculous comparison and completely overlooks the needs of non disabled siblings which are different but not less than the disabled sibling. I say this as the parent of a ND child with a NT sibling, as the wife of a ND spouse and physically disabled myself. I know what ableism is and valuing The needs of all family members is not it.

I agree. In some SEN forums parents are banned or restricted or shouted down for talking honestly about some of the violence that occurs in their home. During the pandemic my non verbal children just exploded and we were literally beaten by them day in day out. I spoke about it once in a private closed group and got told off for putting too much blame on the children. I knew rationally it was not their 'fault' but I felt so alone being shut down like that.

Do you think it’s got to the point where he needs to live somewhere else so you and your other child can feel safe and not stressed? This could mean at his dads permanently or social services take him?

and that is wrong. Beating up people is a criminal tendency and should be stopped immediately , no matter how. You are human with a human right of not being abused. ND is not a disability giving green light to be beaten up. Once they go out and beat someone out there, they would be put on special records etc

There was unrelated thread about kids prisons. Apparently once you reach 10, you can qualify for a prison. The people who work with that sort of kids should be working with families whose kids are beating their parents and help the parents.

The poster does not want what kind of help she wants. She was first defensive that the school notified her of lies her son is making up in school ( her words) and there would be TAFF meeting. She did not want to look the wrong woman. Then she did not want anyone to intervene and change her son's behaviour no matter that she actually wanted help for her belonging not to be destroyed anymore. She wanted help but then when I mentioned someone has to do it for you, she got defensive again. So asking help but defensive against everyone.

Good luck with that.

OP is in a very vulnerable position both at home and in a system which is geared to believe whatever children say - because not to do so would be irresponsible. She has had some bizarre things said to her in counselling and is at the end of her rope it’s hardly surprising she feels defensive and stuck whilst knowing she needs help but being afraid of where that might lead or what hard decisions might have to be made. She’s in a horrible situation and this is her every fucking day. Honestly my heart breaks for her and I personally think she deserves some grace while she realises she cannot do this alone, which she will - but maybe is not there just yet.

He is choosing. He is choosing to display these behaviours out of camera view. That is self regulation.

Sad to see a disabled 9 year old being vilified after at least two professionals on this thread have explained he lacks developmental capacity to behave more adaptively at the moment.

Normally I would agree with you (while still maintaining the family’s right to feel however they feel about it), but these posters haven't actually assessed his mental capacity; like everyone else they've speculated based on a description.

I'm not sure how much 'blame' any child with significant needs should take. I'm certainly sure I get it wrong on the daily with my children (one non verbal, one verbal but severely intellectually impaired etc). Even a NT 2 year old needs to be told (in a developmentally appropriate way) not to hit so I do think SEN children should still have boundaries etc.

OP's situation is different though, say this 9 year old has the emotional capacity of a 4 year old, no 4 year old I've known would put their family in so much danger by threatening to claim to be abused when they're not and have the planning capacity to say that away from adults and cameras.

Get I touch with the children's Occupational Therapy team at your local authority. Safety adaptations can be provided for your son such as locks to restrict his access to certain areas biometric locks so that only certain people can access certain areas, window restrictions solid wooden doors rather than hollow fibreetc. Ask for an urgent assessment.

Sad to see two professionals generalising about the developmental capacity of a child they have never met. Very UN professional.

Some people are being very hostile and judgemental towards a 9 year old disabled child.

It is quite possible to feel compassion for parents facing hugely challenging circumstances, and to feel compassion for a child who has yet to develop to the point they can express their distress more adaptively. Of course we can make clear that we don't hit once a child has calmed sufficiently to hear this. We can do this whilst recognising the child is coping in the best way they currently can, and that the child and family will need skilled support and time for behaviours to change, including reducing stressors in the environment.

There are no magic wands and punishment and shaming will only make this situation worse.

Johnnyhadasister please get your facts right. He hasn't said anything to the school- that I'm aware of any way. Secondly, I want to make clear AGAIN that I am desperate for help, have accepted every bit of support and also have reached out and begged for support also paid for support I have never refused help. The comments I was perhaps defensive about were when I was just being judged and attacked for no reason when I was asking for advice not to be stoned to death! These comments have since been deleted by mumsnet for breaking talk guidelines so I'm guessing they thought they were a bit un called for also. If you're going to preach read the book carefully please.

I did this and involved his school they made the call for me etc and the teams feedback was he can not be helped as he doesn't present at school....