School raised concerns over childs home life

[Smith212]

For some context my child is 9 asd diagnosed and has had very destructive behaviour only towards me and my home for years now. Co parent situation. My child literally rules me. Breaks my things, rips ALL of my clothes, empties liquids everywhere, destroys his siblings clothes, belongings etc, empties freezer fridges etc and puts the contents in household items such as desks drawers etc. Is physically and verbally abusive to me, very angry in general and defiant won't do a thing I say. If I say something like I'll have to tell dad about you pushing and hitting me it can't carry on (his dad's useless but when I'm desperate he is my only go to to get my child to listen) he will say things like I'll tell him you pushed and hit me he will believe me. I feel totally trapped. So he ends up just getting away with everything. I try consequence no tv etc or no I'm not getting you that new thing you asked for etc.... but nothing works. He has no respect or care for me. His school in so many words told me he's great at school and his dad's so it's my problem. All of the sudden get an email for a taf for concerns around his home life and no information. So have all christmas now to think what on earth has he said now. His dad takes I'm to a dodgy pub 24/7 but you can bet it's me in the firing line. I am no saint, especially as my child Never admits to all of these things which frustrates me more especially when I have nothing to wear for work as it's all been ripped even underwear etc. So yes sometimes I raise my voice- but everything I say he twists and turns. I told him that him ripping my last outfit was nasty behaviour and he wasn't being a nice boy, he turned that in to telling his dad I said I wish he wasn't born and I don't want him over Xmas.... like what the hell can I do!!!???? I have a younger child in this mix who is scared and apologises every time he sneezes I'm worried about his future too. I am hurt that his school and his dad don't seem to believe me (why on earth would I lie about any of this!!??) And now want this meeting... I'm wondering what it could be about and what I'll be accused of next. I am just trying to work and support my kids and I not even allowed to do that. Any insight advice words etc, please.

A what? Not sure what SW means

I think that despite the school saying that he's fine there, this might actually be the help that you have asked for, arriving late and badly packaged in wording to make you panic. As @delilabell says, TAF is not the same as a child in need meeting.

Social Worker...

How does he know where the blind spots are?!
as for any meetings, take the support!

All of the sudden get an email for a taf for concerns around his home life

Well, it really doesn’t sound like it’s ’all of a sudden’-it sounds like this has been brewing for a long time. Engage with the TAF and tell them you are struggling.

Could he live with his Dad for awhile?

Dear OP, I am so sorry you are in this position and I don’t want to read and run.

Unless someone has been in your position they will not truly understand what you and your other children are going through day in/day out, week in/week out, it is never ending and that is soul destroying.

Please put your child in care. This way they will get the help and support they need. You and your other children can’t live the way you are.

i admire your courage to keep going but you can’t give up your live and those of your other children for this one child who sadly will destroy you.

Hes very techy and clever and don't need to be anyway I am not very teach minded and I can see which direction a camera points in- I need more in lots of different places it's money I don't have right now

No not on glue had years of hell but thanks. I meant his dad doesn't want to believe me, which makes it hard as I don't want to fight the man just want us to work together

If no one from SS will believe you, and he skirts round cameras in blind spots cleverly, then set your phone to video, you don't need the video part, just the sound. Try and catch him twice, without him knowing, as evidence.

Set the phone, if nothing happens turn off the video and set it again. Even if you have 2 hours of nonsense before, your'll have the bit at the end as proof.

Don't let on to him. Set it again. Catch him again.

Then when you meet social worker and he's not around, explain how clever he is explain what you had to do to catch him and play the end of the video the proof for both times .

No one believes ASD parents regularly. Arm yourself with evidence.

No you dont need more cameras. Don't solve a thing.
You need proper help which the meeting is called to discuss.

Have you considered him living with his dad? It would give you a break.

Why can't he live with his dad?

Op is right. Actual SS support is pitiful. They'll Send a list of organisations that you can contact for a listening chat. Useless.

Thank you for being kind. I am desperate for help and it's such a shame I've had to beg for any and fight for it until its got to this point. I feel sorry for my children and know life isn't perfect just want them to have clothes, happy times, nice home and a mum who can give them so much. Nothing else bothers me. I guess I have to hope the school want to finally support rather than sling mud I just wonder what he's said now it's lie after lie and it's hard as children can say what they want true or not.

Honestly OP accept all help and I think he needs specialist care/residential this can't go on for you or your other DC.

And it must be hard to be a judgemental person who doesn't think before they speak, open your mind and heart for goodness sake.

You say his behaviour is fine at school?

If that is the case, there will obviously be a limit in what the school can do to ‘finally support’ you if the issues are solely at home.

There hasn't been one judgemental post on this thread OP. Hearing something you don't like isn't 'judgemental'.

That's an excellent point, if the undesirable behaviour is, as OP says "only at home and towards me" then what exactly would the school be working to change?

Oh purlease. School saying am ASD child is 'fine' is classic from schools who don't want to see. Maybe this would be better on the SN board op where more posted have knowledge of how awful customs to parents of ASD children can be.

Loads and loads of schools, sw'ers etc don't believe the mum.

Here you are getting general MN'ers , some judgemental, who would never believe some of the awful things that schools and SS do.

What I like and do not like is irrelevant I'm a grown woman, I'm open to anything as long as it's helpful. You have been antagonising off the bat. Thank you for your advice of accepting help, if I'm actually finally offered any I certainly will do that! Here is hoping!

It's clear you are his "safe space" so get all of this behaviour from him.

It sounds like your ex doesn't parent him particularly well if they are constantly at a pub. I think for your younger DC sake he needs to be in a residential unit. His needs are greater than you can provide as a single parent to 2.

I don't see anyone here being judgemental . You have done so much for your children. It's okay to get help to sort things. And you are offeret help. Go for it.