School raised concerns over childs home life

[Smith212]

For some context my child is 9 asd diagnosed and has had very destructive behaviour only towards me and my home for years now. Co parent situation. My child literally rules me. Breaks my things, rips ALL of my clothes, empties liquids everywhere, destroys his siblings clothes, belongings etc, empties freezer fridges etc and puts the contents in household items such as desks drawers etc. Is physically and verbally abusive to me, very angry in general and defiant won't do a thing I say. If I say something like I'll have to tell dad about you pushing and hitting me it can't carry on (his dad's useless but when I'm desperate he is my only go to to get my child to listen) he will say things like I'll tell him you pushed and hit me he will believe me. I feel totally trapped. So he ends up just getting away with everything. I try consequence no tv etc or no I'm not getting you that new thing you asked for etc.... but nothing works. He has no respect or care for me. His school in so many words told me he's great at school and his dad's so it's my problem. All of the sudden get an email for a taf for concerns around his home life and no information. So have all christmas now to think what on earth has he said now. His dad takes I'm to a dodgy pub 24/7 but you can bet it's me in the firing line. I am no saint, especially as my child Never admits to all of these things which frustrates me more especially when I have nothing to wear for work as it's all been ripped even underwear etc. So yes sometimes I raise my voice- but everything I say he twists and turns. I told him that him ripping my last outfit was nasty behaviour and he wasn't being a nice boy, he turned that in to telling his dad I said I wish he wasn't born and I don't want him over Xmas.... like what the hell can I do!!!???? I have a younger child in this mix who is scared and apologises every time he sneezes I'm worried about his future too. I am hurt that his school and his dad don't seem to believe me (why on earth would I lie about any of this!!??) And now want this meeting... I'm wondering what it could be about and what I'll be accused of next. I am just trying to work and support my kids and I not even allowed to do that. Any insight advice words etc, please.

Absolutely, I agree and perhaps I would make different decisions in those specific circumstances. I have two severely disabled children and whenever I have posted on here several posters say "just put them in care", which is a bit insulting to be honest. But (again not in these circumstances myself), I'm not sure I would risk losing everything when there was another parent the child could go to. It's not like I'm saying she should put her child in the care system.

You sound like you don't understand what process OP is in, which is leading you to make some needlessly alarming comments.

Team Around the Family (sometimes called Team Around the Child) is a multi-agency response to a child with complex needs. It is a way of working which is designed to provide joined-up support.

It is not a child protection intervention.

Even if it was child protection team. Do you think this woman is safe and her other children around her oldest son? This is still a criminal damage done in her poster's home. One more year and he will be liable

Child protection team right. LOL. If someone did anything to my property and clothes to this extend, I would be calling the woman protection team

I am all the way with the poster, I believer her and I don't think someone should be excusing apparently very mentally alert boy for doing what he is doing. Also the poster wants help, not her children just taken her away, who wants that in their right mind.

Also I don't agree that calling this just ND disability behaviour shows any signs of wisdom. There was another similar post before. The boy lacked proper male figure in his life. No one suggested this alongside all the therapies that could be given them. You cannot rip a family apart, have a father who bribes you with junk food and drags you to bars and leave all rubbish to the woman. Where are the males figures

This behaviour comes clearly because someone somewhere has shown a very mysoginistic behaviour to this poor boy, either his father, or he heard it in the pubs, or has seen things online which he shouldnt

He's nine he's a child even in a year the police are not going to treat him as an adult

Regardless, the criminal tendencies should be dealt with.

You seem c!useless about 'the very many different presentations of autism
Stop trying to demonize a 9 year old child.

I think the school is spot on. This cannot go on like that. If the mother does not know how to deal with it, the nanny state will.

I can't see the police coming down hard on a disabled child tbh.

Not sure what you think the school are spot on about but it's a team around the family meeting they will try to offer ( nothing much useful ime) support

If the mother can't deal with it lol I'd like to see someone else try, be my guest....

Hopefully someone will deal with him for you, love

I was thinking more about the threats her son made that he would accuse OP of abusing him, which (from what I read) it sounds like he hasn't actually done yet.

Lol I missed this one, probably something I'm doing to trigger the behaviour hahahhaa and there it comes again.... that ignorant assumption. If it was something I was doing to deserve this then I'd of stopped it a long time ago. I do not raise my voice more or less than your average parent and with the situation I live in I'd say most would agree that makes me a bloody saint if nothing else

@Smith212

I don't think most people think you have done anything wrong & that you just need support.

You haven't answered who else lives with you as this could be affecting him.

I hope you can get some help as it's no way for any of you to live.

Me him 2 siblings, different dads I live alone with them. Never any of talk of half siblings in my house, we are a family and that's that x

@Smith212

I just wonder if he is jealous of his 2 other siblings & resents going to his Dad. So plays up for you to try & get attention. Obviously he's going about it the wrong way. Is there any way you can make time for him 1-1 & not have the other siblings there?

Or do his siblings go stay with their Dad & there’s something he is jealous of?

Just trying to work out what might be upsetting him. He's obviously lashing out & not being very nice to people.

He prefers going to his dad's, dad's loaded, as long as he doesn't bother his dad he gets what ever he wants. We have one on one time when siblings go to bed 2 hours before him. Then 2 whole days a month on weekend just me and him sometimes more as my mum steps in so I can allow him more one on one. He has what most would see as a very nice life, lots of fun things with me a a shed load of gifts with dad.

Kids with SEN can 'mask' all day at school, then 'unleash' everything when they are with mum. Not helpful whatsoever I presume. Can you look into counseling for you and possibly him. Have you asked for respite care?

He is in therapy.... for me- hilariously I'm all talked out. I've also tried parenting courses etc- load of condensending crap didn't help at all. It was very watered down, phrases may as well included ' don't deter your child from hitting you in the face, instead, compliment their aim!'it was not the parenting course I needed!!?? You are sign posted to so many charities to call to vent to which is fine but after a while you stop wanting to explain your while miserable existence over and over and it becomes boring x

I also think some disabled children can be over therapised. My eldest had a rough patch a few years ago and was in lots and lots of therapy, things actually improved when we stopped the various therapies for a bit.

It's very new to him about 2 months in and he seems to really like the lady- they judge how much they can cope with and what breaks he needs they are a really great bunch x

@Smith212

I hope things improve for you. As others have said he is probably holding it together for everyone else & then letting it all out at home. I do feel bad for you having to cope with it all. It sounds like his Dad just buys him whatever he wants. I think that he is unsettled by this too.