School raised concerns over childs home life

[Smith212]

For some context my child is 9 asd diagnosed and has had very destructive behaviour only towards me and my home for years now. Co parent situation. My child literally rules me. Breaks my things, rips ALL of my clothes, empties liquids everywhere, destroys his siblings clothes, belongings etc, empties freezer fridges etc and puts the contents in household items such as desks drawers etc. Is physically and verbally abusive to me, very angry in general and defiant won't do a thing I say. If I say something like I'll have to tell dad about you pushing and hitting me it can't carry on (his dad's useless but when I'm desperate he is my only go to to get my child to listen) he will say things like I'll tell him you pushed and hit me he will believe me. I feel totally trapped. So he ends up just getting away with everything. I try consequence no tv etc or no I'm not getting you that new thing you asked for etc.... but nothing works. He has no respect or care for me. His school in so many words told me he's great at school and his dad's so it's my problem. All of the sudden get an email for a taf for concerns around his home life and no information. So have all christmas now to think what on earth has he said now. His dad takes I'm to a dodgy pub 24/7 but you can bet it's me in the firing line. I am no saint, especially as my child Never admits to all of these things which frustrates me more especially when I have nothing to wear for work as it's all been ripped even underwear etc. So yes sometimes I raise my voice- but everything I say he twists and turns. I told him that him ripping my last outfit was nasty behaviour and he wasn't being a nice boy, he turned that in to telling his dad I said I wish he wasn't born and I don't want him over Xmas.... like what the hell can I do!!!???? I have a younger child in this mix who is scared and apologises every time he sneezes I'm worried about his future too. I am hurt that his school and his dad don't seem to believe me (why on earth would I lie about any of this!!??) And now want this meeting... I'm wondering what it could be about and what I'll be accused of next. I am just trying to work and support my kids and I not even allowed to do that. Any insight advice words etc, please.

You said it had been your experience.

It isn’t online hearsay! I also support parents of disabled DC across the country and have down for years.
Just this academic year some incorrect information I have had parents from across the country tell me/show me they have been told by their SENDIASS includes:
Their DC can’t get an EHCP at 2 year old.
Can’t get a new EHCP post 16.
Can’t get an EHCP for a deferred child.
Their DC can’t get an EHCP if the school hasn’t spent £6k.
Their DC can’t get an EHCP if there hasn’t been 2 APDR cycles.
They can’t request an EHCNA because their child is at ARE.
Can’t request an EHCNA if the child isn’t attending school.
Can’t have an OT assessment as part of the EHCNA unless the child is already under OT.
The only s19 provision available is the PRU.
The EHCP ceases if you EHE.
The LA the school is in has to agree to the school being named.
Oh the LA is so behind on EHCNAs, you just have to wait.
CBT goes in G.
Physio goes in G.
This LA does EOTIS by naming a school and the school providing the provision.
We don’t do EOTIS in this LA.
That vague and woolly wording is acceptable.
I could carry on.

I can understand that you have been on a journey with your autistic child but that doesn't make you qualified to theorise in Thai way.

The camera comment doesn't suggest something else at all. The 'fight/flight/freeze' response of someone whose nervous system is overwhelmed often leads to behaviours which would be seen through a NT lens as manipulative, aggressive, sneaky etc. it's survival mode and the way to reduce those behaviours is education for the child about what is happening biologically, repeated and supported chances to practice strategies, an environment which makes this more manageable (e.g. low sensory arousal, predictable etc...) mirrored at home and school, sensory diet to promote regulation of the nervous system.

Having a disabled child makes you an expert... On your child. The professionals who will support will have a knowledge base based on study and working with children with a huge variation of presentations over extended periods of time.

I will make this the last reply to you. I can tell you about the evidence base and professional practice that have led me to these views. But on an internet forum people will always express alternative views based on broad experience, narrow experience and no experience!

I know from my experience that when children I have worked with have had this 'choice' accusation pointed at them it has never, ever been helpful to improving the behaviour.

This is very focused on EHCP applications which is not what we are talking about.
Am I right in assuming you are an advocate who charges?

This child is an autistic 9 years old who would typically be functioning more like a 6 year old, developmentally. If he is showing 'textbook' dysregulation, by definition his higher cognitive functions will be offline during a meltdown.

You are attributing motivations to this child in a way that is unfair.

No, you are not right.

My post is about SENDIASS rather than specifically about EHCNAs/EHCPs. I could give other examples not related to EHCPs such as:
You can’t record meetings.
You are only allowed a carer’s assessment if your child gets DLA.
You can’t make a credits only new style ESA application for a 16 year old.
You can’t get transport to a placement in another LA.
You can’t get a DFG without a diagnosis.
Again, I could continue.

You sound very passionate which is commendable.

This thread is about an OP who wanted to know how to challenge school's perception that her parenting is contributing to her DS's presentation and how to pull in some multi disciplinary support through the TAF process. I think we have veered off topic a little.

She is having a very tough time and it's possibly not the right place to vent your frustrations about the EHCP process.

"brute"?
He is a small boy who hasn't found a way to regulate his feelings, and will no doubt feel powerless, even whilst wrecking the house and destroying property.

I am passionate about all DC getting the support they need and are entitled to. I haven’t vented my frustrations about the EHCP process. My recent posts were about SENDIASS rather than EHCNAs/EHCPs specifically.

I am well aware what OP’s thread is about, thank you. My advice to be careful with SENDIASS is very relevant to her thread. I am sorry you don’t like me cautioning OP to be careful. It wasn’t a slight on you. Nor on those services which are good. But it is something OP needs to be aware of in case her SENDIASS is not one of the ‘good guys’.

That's absolutely fair. Similarly there are some independent advocates who are amazing and some who are absolute charlatans exploiting vulnerable families. We are probably both a little wary based on previous experience.
Hopefully the OP's son will start getting the appropriate support.

Hi
Not sure if any of my response will be helpful but I will tell what is my experience.
I am a single mother, my child has been struggling with school, highly masking just to react at home.
The diagnosis helped him to understand his own behaviour when he researched it by himself. He had no idea why he was deeply upset.
As for me, I stopped reacting and when he does stuff, I don't talk, any reaction or no reaction is still upsetting for him, but I worked out it helps him when I don't talk.
I try to talk with him when he calms down. It could take few hours or days, when he had his days to calm down, had to accept that the talking wasn't being processed anyway as he wasn't ready, he was in flight or fight response with high cortisol level most of the time.
I validated his emotions, tried REID diet which helped him a lot,I did researched PDA (pathological demand avoidance). He still had his days, but fighting with him didn't work, and trying him to understand didn't work either.
He feels always guilty to the point, that I have impression he has a split personality, there are things he does he is not aware, and fights that it wasn't him even the proof is black and white as it is nobody just me and him under one roof.
It might be helpful to validate your own feelings as it is impossible to function when you feel attacked all the time.
Try meditations twice a day, before and after you sleep.

Give to yourself lots of love and compassion. You can start envision the healing, loving light coming from your feel up to your all body.
You start being kind to yourself and you will be ready to give your child kindness and compassion as well.
My experience and looks like you have similar experience isn't understood by education experts or doctors. I studied physiotherapy, I learned about autism and had my brother diagnosed but as a parent I have different experience as to what I learned studying, therefore nobody validated my experience.
You love your child, your child is struggling, probably due to trauma and masking he has some split personality/ hidden different aspects of himself, not loving parts of himself which wasn't accepted, for example being angry for reaction for something which wasn't commonly accepted.

When we tried experts and doctors none of the tablets worked for my son and it actually made him worse to the point he was suicidal.

I did research, listen autistic podcasts as well.
Anti inflammatory diet helped him immediately, but I do not recommend drastic food change.
Being prepared for being disrespected at time it is something I prioritised over standing up for myself. That means yes he does shout and still reacts intensively but he knows that I won't react. He knows I don't react now, it was protesting before as he needed fuel for his anger but he got used to it.
Now it takes less time for him to calm down.
Now he understand things and I am able to talk with him when he calms down, being careful not to be accusing at the same time direct and telling him my boundary. I still stand for myself and having the boundary but when he is ready for it. If not then I tell him that I am not ready for interaction with him, I am still there for him when he needs to talk, but I want him to be aware that what he did needs to be expressed or dealed differently. I am trying to validate his emotions but he is just at the beginning stage at the moment, he hates himself. I will be trying to help him with loving himself or will try to find recommended therapist.

One of the issues iI struggle iss when he takes all the items without the permission but he doesn't want his items to be touched.
And his awarnes made it unconscious so he behaves as if he wouldn't do it, as if he knows with his heart (his words) that he didn't touch it.
Not easy to talk when he isn't consciously aware, when he thinks it isnt right, so doing it and not consciously remembering it as if it would be different person.
I think it is all what the drama is from.
It is from self hate, from splitting personality, not loving all the parts of himself.
I only learned from other people experiences, definitely not from the experts. And Pda is on the scale and is part of autism, sometimes invisible die high masking outside.

I feel you and I am sending you love as you deserve it.

As I posted, I agree with you about advocates. As you say, not all, but it is another area OP would need to be careful of if she went down that path. I too have seen some horrific cases where families have been charged thousands for the ‘privilege’ of poor advice and support.

So it is your position an autistic child can never knowingly misbehave?

No. I am saying the ability to consistently defer overwhelm to a time and place of their choosing in order avoid being recorded suggests complex planning, an impressive degree of self regulation and a knowledge that what they are planning to do is wrong. This is actually good news. Lots to build on there. It is very sophisticated higher cognitive functioning.

I have no idea why you are so invested in attributing malign motives to other people's disabled children, but like the previous poster, I am not going to engage further with you.

I have no idea why you think the parent of an autistic child, married 25 years to an autistic partner would not have a valid contribution to make to this discussion around autism and family life. But hey, what do I know?

I am no expert but I will say he has been very advanced developmentally from day dot, walked at 9 months talking like an old gentleman from 3, doing well academically, crazy amazing at art, ARE or above at most things..... I have tried so many things to support him in regulating himself. Sadly art is the only thing that helps but he uses the pencils to the rip clothes or curtains so I have to be with him when he draws etc can't even go to the loo as all he needs is 20 seconds to destroy something whilst I'm gone..... I agree he's struggling BUT believe me this is a clever young man

I feel for you, I have a close relative who is autistic and he would treat me completely differently to anyone else because I am the closest to him and I would get all his frustrations. He once threatened to burn my hair if I didn’t give him money and stab me with a garden fork! No one would have believed me as he only behaved this way with me. I understand you saying he is calculating and manipulative, he is behaving this way with you because he thinks it’s how he will get what he wants. For us, the only thing that improved the behaviour was daily medication, he still gets frustrated but not to the point of destruction or violence. You need to take pictures of the distruction, call the police and have the bruises documented. All of this will fed to the agencies and they will may start to believe you.

Yes but what about the younger DC and the OP's mental and physical health?
Surely there comes a time when you can no longer sacrifice the whole family for the needs of the one?

If the eldest DC was an adult, there would be no question that the OP should make him leave. If he was 18, many people would say he had to go, be made to leave.
What about if he was 17? 16? Where is your line?

He needs to live with his dad. I know you love him but not only is life intolerable for you and your other child now but he could set a major bomb off and completely destroy your lives.

Say he does say you hit and push him while your other child is not looking? All school and social workers will see is he is happy at school and Dad's but not at yours. I am not saying you are not telling the truth, but he's sort of right, people will believe him. Having CCTV will change nothing, that little boy Arthur who was murdered by his family, they had CCTV to 'prove' that they were supposedly good parents. Unless you have 24/7 recorded footage with sound stored for every area of your home, including toilet, it will mean very little. If a family court believes on the balance of probabilities you have abused one child, you could lose both of them.

No matter how much I loved my child, I wouldn't risk the above, especially when there was another parent who could look after them.

You need a lot of help and support. Behaviour is generally learned, so first he needs to unlearn how he currently is and then follow a better path. It is quite right - but understandably painful - for outsiders to express concerns about your child and his home life. Neither of you should go on like this.

@Smith212

You haven't said who else is in the household. Do you think he is jealous of them? Is he the only one who goes to his Dad? I'm just wondering if he feels unsettled by going from one place to the other & maybe there are siblings who are always with you? You mentioned you had a relationship once & he didn't like it but it sounds like you went on to have more children so I can't work out if they are full siblings or half siblings.

Thousands of families are doing that there just isnt the resources to remove the disabled child from the family and most families don't want that anyway.

Easy for you to say when it's not your life or your child.

It's not easy but you have to consider the impact on the other children which could cause severe mental health issues.

Again it's easy to say when in your case it's hypothetical not so easy when you are living it.