School raised concerns over childs home life

[Smith212]

For some context my child is 9 asd diagnosed and has had very destructive behaviour only towards me and my home for years now. Co parent situation. My child literally rules me. Breaks my things, rips ALL of my clothes, empties liquids everywhere, destroys his siblings clothes, belongings etc, empties freezer fridges etc and puts the contents in household items such as desks drawers etc. Is physically and verbally abusive to me, very angry in general and defiant won't do a thing I say. If I say something like I'll have to tell dad about you pushing and hitting me it can't carry on (his dad's useless but when I'm desperate he is my only go to to get my child to listen) he will say things like I'll tell him you pushed and hit me he will believe me. I feel totally trapped. So he ends up just getting away with everything. I try consequence no tv etc or no I'm not getting you that new thing you asked for etc.... but nothing works. He has no respect or care for me. His school in so many words told me he's great at school and his dad's so it's my problem. All of the sudden get an email for a taf for concerns around his home life and no information. So have all christmas now to think what on earth has he said now. His dad takes I'm to a dodgy pub 24/7 but you can bet it's me in the firing line. I am no saint, especially as my child Never admits to all of these things which frustrates me more especially when I have nothing to wear for work as it's all been ripped even underwear etc. So yes sometimes I raise my voice- but everything I say he twists and turns. I told him that him ripping my last outfit was nasty behaviour and he wasn't being a nice boy, he turned that in to telling his dad I said I wish he wasn't born and I don't want him over Xmas.... like what the hell can I do!!!???? I have a younger child in this mix who is scared and apologises every time he sneezes I'm worried about his future too. I am hurt that his school and his dad don't seem to believe me (why on earth would I lie about any of this!!??) And now want this meeting... I'm wondering what it could be about and what I'll be accused of next. I am just trying to work and support my kids and I not even allowed to do that. Any insight advice words etc, please.

Not necessarily she might get direct payments but this will obviously have to assessed etc.

It was nasty of school to do this at the end of term op leaving you worrying about it all over Christmas. But maybe they've done you a favour because it will now be documented.

Please make sure that you have someone with you, a friend at least when they come round so they don't bombard you. Whatever you do don't be alone.

I had a nightmare with school, and then SS, but fortunately both my parents are retired very senior SW'ers and they saved me.

Probably an unpopular opinion but I agree.

I'm sorry you are going through this op. Is your ex trying parental alienation? Does he work? Does he want dla you get for taking care of your son?
Or is he just the fun parent? My ds2 has asd and he really struggles with change. Is your ds2 blaming you for the divorce? I remember carrying ds2 to school after my separation from his dad. For months and he had to wear his ear defenders alongside with some regression with toilet training.

Divorce was truly horrible for him.

Do you have scrap clothes he can rip? Is he safe with a needle? Could you teach him how to sew? Or would some clothes glue help? He has taken interest in fabric, is there any way you could help him explore different fabrics in a controlled manner? Buy few fabric or clothes from charity shop for him explore/ rip/ cut ect.

@Smith212 firstly, breathe. Keep breathing and remember to breathe. It sounds like your child is totally dysregulated and in a manic state for a lot of the time at home, through no fault of your own, most likely caused by anxiety and lack of feeling in control. To help our kids to regulate, we need to show our regulated state, or behaviours will become more dysregulated on both sides leading to heightened situations like you describe. I say all this from a place of support as a parent of an asd child with pda who, with the right approach and support, is thriving and happy. When he was younger at mainstream school, this was not the case. I am so thankful that I found the PDA Society, their strategies are amazing. They are great, so supportive. Essentially, demand avoidance autistic kids need a different approach to discipline. They need to feel at least partly in control, they need lots of compromises to feel safe, they need to have regulated behaviour modelled for them so that they can copy that behaviour back. Otherwise they copy your dysregulation and things escalate. It is hard, so hard, but try to remember that he's not a monster as some have said here: he is a young boy who is most likely terrified of his own behaviour. Social stories can also help. And when he is calm, talking about why we have to be careful with clothes for example, as they cost money and are important to the people we care about. Or frozen food needs to stay in the fridge as otherwise it goes off and then we can't have our fun fish finger Fridays, for example. So you're always giving reasons why not, not just blindly saying don't do that. I have heard that Yvonne Newbold is great too for strategies around challenging behaviours.
I think the hardest thing with this type of parenting is to hold your calm while the.storm of your child's dysregulation rages, but if you do, you'll see your child eventually start to model your behaviour. When he's calm, talk about what is unacceptable and why. Any hitting etc, leave the room and tell him you're going to a different space to keep everyone safe. My DS now goes to a different room himself for 5 mins at home if he feels very cross. Look at Zones of Regulation too, it's helped us so much as it separates the behaviour from the person. I would also ask for this thread to be moved to the sen boards, where all us lovely supportive sen parents hang out. No parent of a neurotypical child will ever understand the complexities of our parenting journey and our kids. And most importantly: breathe. A TAF meeting is a standard thing. Enjoy the holidays then accept the support. Breathe. You've got this.

It is very clear that the relationship between you and your child is broken and needs a reset and repair. This is what the TAC is about. You may not agree that all behaviour is communication, but he is certainly venting his frustration with you. You are probably quite unaware of what you are doing to trigger him, but there will be something or numerous things. ASD children need a very different approach to neurotypical ones. They need gentle, softness with clear boundaries. It is counter-intuitive and a skill that has to be learned (for me, teacher training), but this TAC will help put the parenting support in place to help you learn how to manage your child's outbursts so that you all have a nicer family life.

I would send an email back saying that you welcome the investigation and looking forward to ways they are going to support you.
I would also keep a diary of times and dates, descriptions of what he has done and what triggers set him off, even photographs. I would also document what you did to support him in crisis and what happened afterwards. I would keep everything factual and not use emotive language except to say you are tired and admit you are struggling.
This documentation will back up what youve been saying.
Don't see the meeting as a negative and go in like a bull in a China shop, although I can understand why feel frustrated.
Ask them to signpost you for support or respite or what strategies they would do in your shoes.
Don't worry over Christmas, maybe reframe it as ' at last, something might get done!'
Good luck. I hope it goes well.

So get additional cameras so there are no blind spots. Refuse to engage and walk away to where there is a camera.

@Frowningprovidence Why no cameras? 🤔

Thst csn be quite common with some children with autism it's known as the coke bottle affect.

He behaves at school?
He behaves at his dads - so CAN behave if he chooses to.

This does sound very familiar to a person who posted a couple of days ago whose son (11?) was attacking her and her home.

Get locks on the fridge freezer and on your wardrobe or wherever you keep your clothes

No way could I live with this level of appalling behaviour- your poor other child must be living in hell.

It's a completely unrealistic opnion
And gets trotted out fsr to frequently on here .

He needs to live with his dad permanently. Your other child must be terrified.

I was thinking the same. You need a break from this as does younger child. If dad has him so well behaved he can have him for a Bit/ longer

I'm struggling to follow your post. I can't see where yoube been accused of anything but I might be missing it.
Accept the help, there's clearly something very significant going on for your son and passing blame to his dad for taking him to a dodgy pub 24/7 isn't going to help- you're an adult too, stop his dad from taking him to a dodgy pub.

I'm so sorry to hear this, OP. I understand the nuance of 'all of a sudden': sure, every moment of everyday is a challenge, but at least it's 'known'. Allegations and disclosures made outside the home about the home should rightly be taken seriously and investigated as per safeguarding protocol, but if you don't know what they are, it can be very unsettling. My ASC DC with a PDA profile was melting down both at home and at school and frequently said some quite hair-raising things in school about things happening at home / outside of school, which definitely weren't true. I was in weekly contact with school nurse, pastoral care and support staff who were relaying DC's statements as part of safeguarding protocol: it is a special kind of helplessness which dictates that you cannot simply defend yourself and refute or explain what your DC has said, but have to accept that it forms part of the bigger picture of DC's needs, and throw yourselves in unreservedly (obviously submitting evidence where possible which explains why the thing you are accused of cannot be true). We requested and were offered support from more agencies than I care to remember and leaned in to the process 100%. However besieged you may feel, school and allied agencies are your friends: be responsive and proactive. You've been doing this for years, just keep on putting one foot in front of the other.

Unless you have lived this experience, it is very difficult to really comprehend. And even if you have experienced something similar, there is no guarantee that what worked for your family will work for others. Suggestions of boundaries and locks and restrictions are all well and good -many DC with these kinds of profiles will be entirely undeterred by such measures, my own DC included, when dysregulated, although we ‐fingers crossed‐ seem to be entering a new, better regulated, chapter. OP's child's repertoire of behaviours doesn't suggest a young person who will be put off by a lock or an attempt at sticking at a boundary. Some young people I've worked with (as an education professional) would simply avail themselves of a screwdriver, disassemble said lock and carry on. Or smash the door off its hinges.
This is living hell, OP, and I hear you. There are some really good FB groups for parents in this situation.

I dont feel social services woukd view this favourable and I think there would be issues around consent

It seems like the child is better off living with his dad, do you agree OP?

What has happened in your household is significant and is an ongoing struggle for everyone who lives there. I appreciate that it’s your son who might be causing the trouble as opposed to you, but it must also be difficult for him. He’s likely got heightened emotions. If at his dad’s house he doesn’t destroy the place and lie and manipulate etc, he’s likely more level headed.

Personally I would push for him to live with his father. Gives you space to recover and look after your other child and get on your feet.

I wouldn't be able to cope with this. I think you should ask for your child to be taken into care for the short term, Even I only for the sake if your other child who is suffering

I don’t think it’s helpful to refer to OP’s son as a “problem child”. A residential home certainly might be helpful, but @BMW6 it’s not appropriate to label children this way. But I’m not sure what a residential home would entail. Is it a permanent residence or for a weekend to provide respite for the primary carer?

Posters need to stop posting this nonsense
You can't just put a child in a residential school, it doesn't work that way .

A residential homev/school us not a realistic prospect.

If you can't offer any sensible advice don't offer any.

If it’s something permanent then maybe not, but if it’s for the weekends, wouldn’t that help OP?

Good point, OP. Your child is making your life hell. You and both DC need help. Please don’t see the TAF as criticism, but as an effort to help you. I hope it works for you.
Sending you hugs, sympathy and best wishes xx